The Persistent Reality of It

[88]

It's been a long time. The last time was so overwhelming, I had no wish to go back Inside ever again.

But lately I have heard the call. I have caught the scent of blossoms in the Autumn, so like the sweet dirty stink of spice, and the Other World we know is there. the Idea hooked into my mind and I could not dislodge it.

And so, tonight, I returned.

I prepared well - it is easier now, my life is more organised. I am ridiculously clean and tidy these days. The house cleaned, matters that needed dealing with, dealt with. Some light yoga. Half-lotus on a comfortable bed, with low light, 100mg of Deep Purple (Caapi leaf/Blue Lotus/Rooibos changa). It takes me to hyperspace, but I am greeted by an impenatrable wall of green and yellow coils blocking further entry. I look for the gateway, the jester, anything - but there is no way further in. I drop out into the Insect realm. They are agitated. I ask, why am I not allowed in? What have I done? They indicate to me with some urgency that I need to smoke more, and I need to do it now.

So I load up again - eyeballing a large dose of Golden Temporal (Pau D'Arco infused with Caapi vine extract).

Before the first hit was out of the pipe, it had turned into a bounce of glass monkey faces. Everything went monkeys. I got the pipe down and closed my eyes.

You came back. With a hint of surprise.

Everything exploded into an enormous jestery WHY construction of red and white points connected by beams of red and white, and whatever I was melded into this huge pulsating WHY.

I had no clear intent going in. I'd spent hours contemplating it before setting off - why am I going back? What is in my heart? I could find nothing clear; just a desire to reconnect.

Now I was being asked by an extraordinarily powerful intelligence - WHY.

And then it took me. Like a lion shaking a lamb in its massive jaws, it overpowered me. It showed me that hyperspace is not somewhere else - it is here, around us, always, now. Our perception of reality is limited to a single facet of a much larger reality. And what we do here matters... we must prepare for this larger reality, for it overwhelming; it is like death itself.

I found myself lying on the floor, the pipe invisible, merged with the air and the floor, scattered around me. My composure, my sense of self, obliterated.

I found myself in another room wanting only to return to Earth. Why did I do this? Why? Because I cannot escape The persistence of the reality it reveals. I don't know what to do with it. Because It is always there, and I don't know what that means and I want to know what to do with this knowledge.

I found myself doubled over the toilet, primal animal grunts growling out from the base of my spine, from the darkest pit of my deepest guts.

It showed me my human needs, like a row of constipated sumo wrestlers, fused together in a writhing melted single-mindedness made of human flesh.

It showed me the demons that live in my psyche, if I can call them that ... though not necessarily malevolent, they are certainly parasitic; and It showed me that I can be free. That I am a warrior. That I make choices and those choices matter.

Why? I go to hyperspace, it seems, to be healed and to prepare myself for death.

 

[Felnik]

Wow man the evolution of these experiences is amazing. I resonate with what you've said. Its become an all or nothing thing now.
there seems to be no middle ground anymore for me. It either does nothing at all or totally obliterates any sense of reality with overwhelming force showing me this super-otherness thats everywhere. I too am trapped by its all-encompassing never relenting allure.

I too ask the same questions WHY... etc. I have to believe that our access to this is not an accident.

all the best to you....

 

[jbark]

Glad to hear there's life after fear, that terror doesn't always stare out from the mirror! Welcome back, and much admiration for your courage. Not easy to plunge after free-falling in the obsidian abyss... And yes, I concur - preparation for death seems to be the meta-paradigm behind the WHY.

cheers,
JBArk

 

[Morphane]

And then it took me. Like a lion shaking a lamb in its massive jaws, it overpowered me. It showed me that hyperspace is not somewhere else - it is here, around us, always, now. Our perception of reality is limited to a single facet of a much larger reality. And what we do here matters... we must prepare for this larger reality, for it overwhelming; it is like death itself.

I'm interested to know what you think this preparation involves. Is it a striving for moral perfection, as the religions suggest, or the transcending of the self, or maybe becoming accustomed to the psychedelic experience?

What are the consequences of living as if life doesn't matter?

It showed me the demons that live in my psyche, if I can call them that ... though not necessarily malevolent, they are certainly parasitic; and It showed me that I can be free. That I am a warrior. That I make choices and those choices matter.

Do you mean actual demons, like parasitic entities, or maybe demons symbolic of our instincts or cultural conditioning?

 

[88]

Its become an all or nothing thing now.
there seems to be no middle ground anymore for me. It either does nothing at all or totally obliterates any sense of reality with overwhelming force showing me this super-otherness thats everywhere. I too am trapped by its all-encompassing never relenting allure.

Thanks Felnik - I believe it might be another long while again before I go back to it, but when I do, it will still be there, as always.

I wonder if there are others here who experience spice as a chemically induced distortion of perception, rather than an alternate, coherent reality ...

much love

 

[88]

Glad to hear there's life after fear, that terror doesn't always stare out from the mirror! Welcome back, and much admiration for your courage. Not easy to plunge after free-falling in the obsidian abyss... And yes, I concur - preparation for death seems to be the meta-paradigm behind the WHY.

cheers,
JBArk

I was very glad to get back to Earth, but it was, ultimately, a healing trip. The journey brought me face to face with things within me that need to be addressed, and in that sense it is, as always, medicine.

As much as I see it to be so, I'm still uncomfortable with the notion that hyperspace is a persistent external reality, and that it is preparation for a journey after death - because by definition then it's a spiritual experience. And I really don't know what to make of that, to be honest.

I feel its very important to keep my feet firmly rooted into this world, and I don't want to lose that ... I love my life here in the monkey cage. But if this is what we face after death then by fuck I want to be ready for it, you know? Because its pretty full on ...

cheers JBark

 

[88]

I'm interested to know what you think this preparation involves.

I think it's about the point of our awareness ... this seems to me to be the only part of us that survives the onslaught - a single point of awareness. In that sense, I feel the preparation required is to be able to hone and focus this.

Everything else in us - the vast storeroom of collected memories, impressions, values, emotions, neuroses and so on - this shapes our experience of life here and, I believe, of hyperspace. And the choices we make determine where our point of awareness is, and shapes what it then perceives. I think this is what I meant by saying that what we do here matters.

So to me yes, its a moral preparation of sorts, if that makes any sense.

Do you mean actual demons, like parasitic entities, or maybe demons symbolic of our instincts or cultural conditioning?

When I say demons, I didn't mean the horror movie type - I meant the things within our psyches that we struggle with, like addiction for example ... but yes, within hyperspace, the demon in question had a form, though it was not some kind of horned beast or anything, more of an intelligent, plant-like structure of sorts that seemed to live in my mind, or off my mind somehow.

 

[Phantastica]

sounds like quite a rough trip, yet healing journey. What did the question "Why" that kept recurring in your trip exactly mean? Was it a threatening "why," or just out of curiosity? did the hyperspace not want you back?

Also, did the long break from DMT after your last bad trip result in any sort of integration? Or is there even any integration in the first place, for the malevolent scenario you experienced in that "bad" trip?
Does this recent trip seem to tie in, in anyway with the previous trip?

 

[Felnik]

"I think it's about the point of our awareness ... this seems to me to be the only part of us that survives the onslaught - a single point of awareness. In that sense, I feel the preparation required is to be able to hone and focus this. "



This is an important piece and one that fascinates me. In the face of total oblideration of all known and familiar reality awareness there does seem to be an entact point of awareness. It feels like there is a unit within us that contains all that is us. This small point of consciouness seems to not only stay intact but has the ability to travel and move to other realms of existence.

Perhaps its a matter of accepting and becoming comfortable with this single point of self.
I think death is tied into this but not the only possibility. I have reluctantly begun to think about the idea of this single point of consciouness being like an eternal seed evolving and moving through a forward motion of time. This matter- human -body- reality is only a short stop off in a much longer journey. There must be a reason we have the ability to sample this "other" realm from this place and point in time .

 

[ragabr]

Welcome back brother, it's beautiful to hear that your seeds continue to bear fruit.

 

[88]

Phantistica - thank you for your comments and questions

What did the question "Why" that kept recurring in your trip exactly mean? Was it a threatening "why," or just out of curiosity? did the hyperspace not want you back?

it was my own 'why' reverberating around in that sort of infinitely fractal manner that is distinctive of many things in hyperspace. it was not aggressive or threatening, but neither was there a shred of sympathy, if that makes any sense ... it was slightly mocking - but then, it was delivered by the Jester. So it seemed to be a riddle of sorts ..

Also, did the long break from DMT after your last bad trip result in any sort of integration? Or is there even any integration in the first place, for the malevolent scenario you experienced in that "bad" trip?

The integration over the past few months since my last journey has been interesting. I ended up going down to the baseline, where I barely remembered what hyperspace even was... but something in me had shifted. Massive changes began to happen; massive, life-changing stuff. It's hard to know where the boundary is between the impact of these changes and the influence of spice on my behaviour and outlook.

Does this recent trip seem to tie in, in anyway with the previous trip?

My journeys have seemed to follow a discernible narrative, but this one seemed a little different; almost like they forgot I'd been there before.

 

[88]

- it is required to show her respect and change what is not appreciated by her...

Good observation, curious1 - thanks. I think the things we find wrong in ourselves manifest in the trip. This directs the healing.

safe travels, friend

 

[Phantastica]

hmmm interseting experience, thanks for sharing the feedback

I ended up going down to the baseline, where I barely remembered what hyperspace even was... but something in me had shifted.

its funny how when out of touch from such psych substances for a while, memory seems to forget these unusual dimensions. I have little experience with spice, but i have noticed this a lot as well with shrooms after a long break from them of 8 months now. and spice is already a very fleeting experience in itself

it was my own 'why' reverberating around in that sort of infinitely fractal manner that is distinctive of many things in hyperspace. it was not aggressive or threatening, but neither was there a shred of sympathy, if that makes any sense ... it was slightly mocking - but then, it was delivered by the Jester. So it seemed to be a riddle of sorts ..

yea i kinda know what u mean. i have experienced my thoughts on dmt reverberating within sort of a void. the jester does indeed make it sound like a riddle though.

 

[88]

... It feels like there is a unit within us that contains all that is us. This small point of consciouness seems to not only stay intact but has the ability to travel and move to other realms of existence.

It's like the present. If you think about it, the present is never here. By the time we realise, it's gone. There is no unit of measurement able to measure the present; we can only analyse the past and anticipate the future... the present is not really there.

And yet, it is at the same time the only thing we experience - we can remember the past and consider the future, but we can only ever experience the present; though it does not seem to exist within the measurable framework of our physical reality.

By definition, the experience is only experience by virtue of the fact that it is experienced by something; and so we come to consciousness, which is fundamental. So our consciousness exists somewhere that does not fit into the dimensions of physical reality; and yet it exists.

This is the problem I'm having.

There must be a reason we have the ability to sample this "other" realm from this place and point in time .

Precisely.

much love

 

[88]

Welcome back brother, it's beautiful to hear that your seeds continue to bear fruit.

Thank you

 

[Felnik]

man i don't want to go back to the jesters again . I better get out there soon .
It is funny how as time passes the immediacy of the experiences drifts into a dream like memory as if it may not have even taken place.

Just like a dream it is in the recounting of it that maintains its vitality as a tangeable relevent experience.

I think its important to Remember as much as possible to move forward in the evolution of repeated journeying.

Remember to remember ...

 

[breakMYhead]

It is funny how as time passes the immediacy of the experiences drifts into a dream like memory as if it may not have even taken place.

This has always been a problem of mine. it seems to fade to a dream like memory so fast.

But a low dose for me can bring it back more clearly. How I feel after a low dose dictates for me whether or not I should go in again.

 

[KwisatzHaderach]

Great read.

I wanted to say I really like the perspective and attitude you put into this. I think it helped me placed in perspective my own experiences. As another said, recently its been all or nothing for me too, and I've been finding it harder and harder to push myself to go all in. As I struggle with the same question "Why?" After you see the other side what more? Why? Why return unless you ready to give it all up. I dunno, I feel like I took so much from my first breakthrough that I still have "I get" epiphanies months later.

Thanks for the inspiration and courage. I'm glad to know there's others out there who are still fearfully respectful.

thankyou

 

[88]

man i don't want to go back to the jesters again . I better get out there soon .
It is funny how as time passes the immediacy of the experiences drifts into a dream like memory as if it may not have even taken place.

Just like a dream it is in the recounting of it that maintains its vitality as a tangeable relevent experience.

I think its important to Remember as much as possible to move forward in the evolution of repeated journeying.

Remember to remember ...

It's weird isn't it, how it just disappears - the sheer power and intensity of it, the shredding of self and of every certainty - and it goes, like a mist. Today, where I am, there was this huge thunderstorm, and I was driving through it, barely able to see the car in front of me. Yet, twenty minutes later, the clouds moved on, and the sunshine on the wet road was all that remained of it. And yet, I can recall clearly the thunderstorm - but hyperspace eludes memory.

I've watched my own children being born, swam in the middle of the Atlantic on the Equator, walked the Great Wall of China, hitch-hiked for days through a desert, seen the sun come up over New York from the top of the Empire State building ... and I remember these things clearly, though they pale in comparison to what happened to me the night before last on this journey. And yet, the memory of it is what I have written here - and little else.

I take a lot from the journey - there are always the lessons - and I am still struggling with what it showed me. The power of my human need over my life; and the very existence of spice and the extraordinarily coherent world it brings us to ...

But I have always felt a strong need to share the experience, to write it down as soon as I am able to after returning. It is a vital part of the experience, and perhaps why it feels like a continuing narrative.

 

[88]

... a low dose for me can bring it back more clearly. How I feel after a low dose dictates for me whether or not I should go in again.

That's a really good point - I have been quite particular about being precise in my dose, but the last two times I felt the need to leave that behind and load up a second time by eye. Both times it blew my world apart.

When the dose is perfect, it is an unbelievably intense but loving journey. These loose measurements seem to take me somewhere else all together, to the root of its power. Increasingly, I feel the dose is dictated by the spice, and not by me. sometimes very large doses have no effect, and small ones can blast a hole in reality.

namaste