Thank you for a great summer, dmt nexus. In fact, the last 6 months have been the greatest of my life, and truly this was the most awesome summer ever. It was like everyday was a new adventure, and much thanks to my weekly, or bi-weekly ayahuasca journeys. None of that would have been possible, if it were not for the knowledge I have gained from this site and the very nice people who have provided the knowledge and guidance. It has been a time of much learning. This summer I dedicated myself to learning through psychedelics, and I am very pleased with the results.
There was one trip in particular that represented the spirit of the summer, and the greatness of it. It was like the peak of summer and the peak of my aya journeying. And quite a strong trip it was. It was a night in late July, near the full moon. In fact, this summer trip was so great that it deserves a term of its own. In honor of this trip, I hereby coin the term, "July-ahuasca". I went to a beach to take a night time pharma trip and watch the moon and stars on a clear night. Just a warning to anyone person new to dmt who might read this and think every trip is like this. It isn’t. Not only is every trip not perfect like this one, but even this trip had moments of great confusion at times, and odd body effects like tremors. Don’t think about taking it unless you are certain you’re in a safe place and are ready to get confused. If you take enough dmt, you reach a point, while under the influence, where the usual thought processes you’re used to, start breaking down. You become simple and weak, impressionable, tired, and dizzy, you’re not up for any kind of problem solving, or moving around. You might feel broken for a couple hours. And the only reason this trip was good is because I have become comfortable with the effects of this substance over many trips.
The first thing I remember was looking at the stars, and marveling at how peaceful it was. My ipod was tuned in to some orgel music. The world as I knew it started to wash away and gave way to a realm of peace. The sense of peace went up and up and up until it reached a point which I call, point zero. It is like a point of total release. At that point, it feels like all my internal mechanisms are reset, like I am being reborn. At that point, I sigh, “ahhhhh” and smile. I have visions of chirping birds and slide whistles and see vines of life growing. This is the point where I am welcomed in to a world of divinity by some entity of perfection. There is a vision of face with clocks for eyes. The clocks are each rotating in a different direction, indicating the stoppage of time at point zero and the timeless, boundless state that I have been blessed to observe.
The rotating clock eyes represent the total insanity of existence. It’s somehow here, yet it’s impossible, and it is all here out of a love so intense that I can’t describe it. Somehow, I had the sense that everything that exists only exists because the universe is in total impossibly crazy love with all of its manifestations, even the “bad” ones. It’s not a human kind of love, it’s a love that spins out in all directions in all manifestations. It’s a love so intense it’s spiraling out everywhere at an insane rate. I even hear the sound of a coo-coo clock accompanying this sense of insane love. I was told, “wakey wakey, rise and shine. This is reality. This unfathomable insane love is your nature”. I felt so completely refreshed, like I had slept forever and reached a critical point where everything on the inside gets reset to point zero, total refreshment.
I began communicating with the entity, an entity which I felt was responsible for all of existence. In a state of total peace, I would say, “you were right, God, you were right. I shouldn’t be resisting things like I do.” I felt like for my whole life, God has been watching over everything I do, and allowing all of it, and that it’s all done out of love. God said, “it’s ok, everything that happens is just my plan for you. Just go with it”. I was like, “I don’t know if I’ll always be able to go with it.” And God said, “that’s ok, that’s part of my plan too. You can do whatever you want, it’s all done out of love. The bad things that happens always have a message of love behind them, you might only see it when you die.”
I listened to more songs, and the visions became more realistic and powerful. I was listening to some chorale music, and had a vision of my own death. I imagined these angels were putting my coffin in a cremation furnace so that my life would end once and for all. They celebrated like crazy as they watched me burn. It was like my transition in to the afterlife, the world of angels and divine darkness. After my coffin burned, it all turned to energy and rose up with the angels, who celebrated every step of the way. Then it all fizzled out and eventually turned to nothing. Like the burning of my body was the final hurrah of my life, one last firecracker to burn off.
My imagination became boundless. I imagined traveling through space, and communicating with far away beings. I had the sense that I go there every night in sleep, but always forget when I wake up. I had a flashback to a night time experience where I was asleep, and an entity took my body up to space, we traveled to another planet where aliens performed surgery on my body so I could heal for the next day of life. Even though they were cutting me up and it was painful, I could tell it was all done out of love.
After much dreaming things of impossible beauty with eyes closed, I opened my eyes and looked around beautiful nature scene in which I found myself. Everything became beautiful. The sand, the water, the waves, everything was so filled with meaning. Suddenly, the trip progressed to another level. The visions I was having in my head seemed to be spilling out in to the real world. All of a sudden, the world started spinning, my thoughts became dream like. To my astonishment, there was alien rune language written in the sand. I couldn’t tell whether I was hallucinating the language, or just seeing patterns that were always there, but only now seeing the meaning of the sand language.
I remember the moment where things of the spirit world started breaking through in to the real world and I realized, “holy shit! It’s really happening! I’m not fine anymore”. And it felt like all of reality was falling apart and I was losing my mind entirely. The beautiful thing was, I was pretty much ok with it all, I knew I wasn’t really going to die or anything. In fact, I was amused by it on some level, but for a few minutes, it was pretty disconcerting. It was like God was saying, “you wanted to go for a ride right? Well here I am, let’s go.” And the spirit world broke through in to this world. I looked in the sky and saw whisps of clouds, but at the time looked like spirits flying by at incredible speeds. I was surrounded by spirits of the night.
I was listening to a song with heavy drums, and my whole body was vibrating to the music. With each beat of the drum, it was like my heart was pounding along with the drum. It felt like a psychedelic dragon had taken control of my body and mind and was taking me for a ride through the cosmos, and using my body as a vehicle. At first I was afraid of it, but then I was like, “THIS IS AWESOME!! OK, dragon, take my body, do your thing.” It was all too perfect. It was a perfect summer night, listening to my favorite music that I’ve been listening to for decades. It was like all the dreams that I’ve had about that special music, all the love I have for nature, was all culminating to this one perfect night where it all went to another level. It was the night that dreams became reality. There was so much meaning that night, it was overflowing to the point of being absolutely hideously terrifying. It was just moments of perfection that can only be understood in the moment and not taken back in to this world because they are so intense.
All of this mental activity became exhausting after a while, and I realized that every song I was listening to was carrying me to a whole other mental realm, and each mental realm that I visited was its own universe, and it became tiring having so many thoughts racing around. I decided to take off my headphones for a while. I was shocked at how beautiful the simple sounds of nature were. Everything I looked at was so beautiful. The crickets in the night, the small waves on the shore, the full moon, the sweet scent of summer. It was all so perfect. I kneeled in the sand in perfect stillness watching over the water, happy beyond comprehension.
I reached a state of total stillness and perfection. I had the sense that for my whole life, I have been protecting myself because I want to avoid death, and protect my life. Well, I had the sense that I had come in direct contact with this thing called “my life”. Like I was seeing “my life” as one ideal thing that I’ve always protected. That life force is the perfect thing that I’ve been fighting to protect all this time. That life force is the reason I live, it’s what I’ve been striving to reach my whole life, and yet, incredibly, it is always present as long as I’m alive. I felt it very important to understand clearly what I’ve been striving for my whole life. It gave me an understanding of what to avoid, and what to let go of.
I knew that nothing could hurt me in this state (emotionally). I looked in to the sky and saw amazing cloud formations. I started having a conversation with some entity in my head. I said something like, “I feel so good now, but I know my whole life won’t be like this”. The entity said, “no, it won’t, but I will give you the divine tool to bring love in to your life”. As I was looking in the sky, a cloud took the form of a giant sword that looked like it was pointing at me. The entity said, “I give you the gift of the sword of the eviscerated soul. The sword is not to be used to attack, the sword is pointing for you, pointing at your own heart. Take the sword, and use it on yourself. Use it to cut out your own apprehension, your own fear, your own hate that keeps you from love. You are the one that is going to have to do the work. You cannot use the sword now, I can only present you the sword. Now you are in a state of perfection, nothing can hurt you here. Take the sword and use it in your everyday life. Use it to cut your own heart open and reveal the love within. You are the one who is going to have to painfully break your own heart to open it up, and you’re going to have to do it without any help, or promise of reward. You are going to have to use the sword despite fear, and in a state of separation.” I was very grateful for the sword, and the potential gift that had been placed in front of me. The potential gift was to see loss as not really a loss, but a gift if the sword is used properly. The gift is that of the divine, but I am the one who is going to have to pick of the sword and point it at my own heart at my own points of weakness, not in my points of strength, or moments of perfection. The sword was for my everyday life, not my ayahuasca life.
I thanked the divine for the gift to be used and resumed my blissful state. I put the headphones back on and listened to some more music, and had one of the most unique experiences of my life. Thoughts became very strange and at first I was afraid, but I received a message from beyond that said, “just look. Just look at what you are shown, that’s all we want.” And so I just looked at the scariness, and each time I looked at it, it was like there was a breakthrough in my head. I would break through the scary part, and I would be shown something fantastic and amazing, and magical, and I would clap like a child clapping at a magician who makes flowers appear from nowhere. I thought, “oh wow, so that’s all the universe wants… it just wants me to look. If I look away, the fear re-occurs, tries to show me again, follows me. It manifests as fear, avoidance, frustration, anger. But as soon as you just look at it, it becomes something else. It shows you love” And I would watch as what was once fear and resistance reform in to brilliance and love. And the way it reformed itself made perfect sense at the time. It was like a puzzle suddenly came together and I was like, “oh yeah! Of course, that’s what it’s trying to show me. Why didn’t I see the puzzle before?”
The most incredible thing that happened was having the experience of feeling colors of charkas glowing and flowing through my body, centered in my heart. I closed my eyes and realized my body was glowing from the inside out, and the glowing lights were moving through my body, giving me pure life energy. The incredible thing was that I wasn’t just imagining this, I somehow literally had the experience of my body changing color and glowing. It was impossible, yet it happened. How can you literally experience being a glowing, oscillating light? And yet that’s what I experienced. It was amazing.
I opened my eyes, so happy to be there on the beach, basking in the silver glow of the moonlight. I looked behind me and remembered there is a large sand dune that I climb if I want to get a good view of the lake. I decided to climb the dune, and that was not easy since pharmahuasca makes physical exertion difficult. As I was climbing, I had the sense that I was climbing to the absolute peak of my whole life, so far. Everything was coming together for me to experience this perfect moment, and it was at the top of the dune. I reached the top and looked upon the beauty of the world. It was perfection.
I felt as though I had returned to one of the most beautiful dreams I have ever had, only the dream had now come true. Years ago, I had a dream that I was on a road at night, looking for a beach. For some reason, it was important that I find the beach. I looked around and through some reeds I could tell the beach was there. I passed through the reeds, and walked through the sand. But to my astonishment, there was no ocean where the sand ended and the ocean should have started. Instead, it was the end of the universe. Past the shores of the sand was nothing but a giant shimmering void of unimaginable beauty. Somehow, this void was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and despite its darkness, was somehow total aliveness. Back to my pharma trip. As I sat atop the sand dune, looking through the reeds, looking at the magnificent darkness of the black sky and the water, I felt I had returned to that place of total peace. I was sitting at the edge of the universe at the pinnacle of my life. In summary, it was a good time. That’s about it.
The night was so exhausting I didn’t want to do dmt for a while, and took a while off. When the trip was happening, I had the thought that one time experience like that would be enough. It was so intense it wasn’t a place I would want to visit often. No trip has been quite like that one. It was unique.
There was one trip in particular that represented the spirit of the summer, and the greatness of it. It was like the peak of summer and the peak of my aya journeying. And quite a strong trip it was. It was a night in late July, near the full moon. In fact, this summer trip was so great that it deserves a term of its own. In honor of this trip, I hereby coin the term, "July-ahuasca". I went to a beach to take a night time pharma trip and watch the moon and stars on a clear night. Just a warning to anyone person new to dmt who might read this and think every trip is like this. It isn’t. Not only is every trip not perfect like this one, but even this trip had moments of great confusion at times, and odd body effects like tremors. Don’t think about taking it unless you are certain you’re in a safe place and are ready to get confused. If you take enough dmt, you reach a point, while under the influence, where the usual thought processes you’re used to, start breaking down. You become simple and weak, impressionable, tired, and dizzy, you’re not up for any kind of problem solving, or moving around. You might feel broken for a couple hours. And the only reason this trip was good is because I have become comfortable with the effects of this substance over many trips.
The first thing I remember was looking at the stars, and marveling at how peaceful it was. My ipod was tuned in to some orgel music. The world as I knew it started to wash away and gave way to a realm of peace. The sense of peace went up and up and up until it reached a point which I call, point zero. It is like a point of total release. At that point, it feels like all my internal mechanisms are reset, like I am being reborn. At that point, I sigh, “ahhhhh” and smile. I have visions of chirping birds and slide whistles and see vines of life growing. This is the point where I am welcomed in to a world of divinity by some entity of perfection. There is a vision of face with clocks for eyes. The clocks are each rotating in a different direction, indicating the stoppage of time at point zero and the timeless, boundless state that I have been blessed to observe.
The rotating clock eyes represent the total insanity of existence. It’s somehow here, yet it’s impossible, and it is all here out of a love so intense that I can’t describe it. Somehow, I had the sense that everything that exists only exists because the universe is in total impossibly crazy love with all of its manifestations, even the “bad” ones. It’s not a human kind of love, it’s a love that spins out in all directions in all manifestations. It’s a love so intense it’s spiraling out everywhere at an insane rate. I even hear the sound of a coo-coo clock accompanying this sense of insane love. I was told, “wakey wakey, rise and shine. This is reality. This unfathomable insane love is your nature”. I felt so completely refreshed, like I had slept forever and reached a critical point where everything on the inside gets reset to point zero, total refreshment.
I began communicating with the entity, an entity which I felt was responsible for all of existence. In a state of total peace, I would say, “you were right, God, you were right. I shouldn’t be resisting things like I do.” I felt like for my whole life, God has been watching over everything I do, and allowing all of it, and that it’s all done out of love. God said, “it’s ok, everything that happens is just my plan for you. Just go with it”. I was like, “I don’t know if I’ll always be able to go with it.” And God said, “that’s ok, that’s part of my plan too. You can do whatever you want, it’s all done out of love. The bad things that happens always have a message of love behind them, you might only see it when you die.”
I listened to more songs, and the visions became more realistic and powerful. I was listening to some chorale music, and had a vision of my own death. I imagined these angels were putting my coffin in a cremation furnace so that my life would end once and for all. They celebrated like crazy as they watched me burn. It was like my transition in to the afterlife, the world of angels and divine darkness. After my coffin burned, it all turned to energy and rose up with the angels, who celebrated every step of the way. Then it all fizzled out and eventually turned to nothing. Like the burning of my body was the final hurrah of my life, one last firecracker to burn off.
My imagination became boundless. I imagined traveling through space, and communicating with far away beings. I had the sense that I go there every night in sleep, but always forget when I wake up. I had a flashback to a night time experience where I was asleep, and an entity took my body up to space, we traveled to another planet where aliens performed surgery on my body so I could heal for the next day of life. Even though they were cutting me up and it was painful, I could tell it was all done out of love.
After much dreaming things of impossible beauty with eyes closed, I opened my eyes and looked around beautiful nature scene in which I found myself. Everything became beautiful. The sand, the water, the waves, everything was so filled with meaning. Suddenly, the trip progressed to another level. The visions I was having in my head seemed to be spilling out in to the real world. All of a sudden, the world started spinning, my thoughts became dream like. To my astonishment, there was alien rune language written in the sand. I couldn’t tell whether I was hallucinating the language, or just seeing patterns that were always there, but only now seeing the meaning of the sand language.
I remember the moment where things of the spirit world started breaking through in to the real world and I realized, “holy shit! It’s really happening! I’m not fine anymore”. And it felt like all of reality was falling apart and I was losing my mind entirely. The beautiful thing was, I was pretty much ok with it all, I knew I wasn’t really going to die or anything. In fact, I was amused by it on some level, but for a few minutes, it was pretty disconcerting. It was like God was saying, “you wanted to go for a ride right? Well here I am, let’s go.” And the spirit world broke through in to this world. I looked in the sky and saw whisps of clouds, but at the time looked like spirits flying by at incredible speeds. I was surrounded by spirits of the night.
I was listening to a song with heavy drums, and my whole body was vibrating to the music. With each beat of the drum, it was like my heart was pounding along with the drum. It felt like a psychedelic dragon had taken control of my body and mind and was taking me for a ride through the cosmos, and using my body as a vehicle. At first I was afraid of it, but then I was like, “THIS IS AWESOME!! OK, dragon, take my body, do your thing.” It was all too perfect. It was a perfect summer night, listening to my favorite music that I’ve been listening to for decades. It was like all the dreams that I’ve had about that special music, all the love I have for nature, was all culminating to this one perfect night where it all went to another level. It was the night that dreams became reality. There was so much meaning that night, it was overflowing to the point of being absolutely hideously terrifying. It was just moments of perfection that can only be understood in the moment and not taken back in to this world because they are so intense.
All of this mental activity became exhausting after a while, and I realized that every song I was listening to was carrying me to a whole other mental realm, and each mental realm that I visited was its own universe, and it became tiring having so many thoughts racing around. I decided to take off my headphones for a while. I was shocked at how beautiful the simple sounds of nature were. Everything I looked at was so beautiful. The crickets in the night, the small waves on the shore, the full moon, the sweet scent of summer. It was all so perfect. I kneeled in the sand in perfect stillness watching over the water, happy beyond comprehension.
I reached a state of total stillness and perfection. I had the sense that for my whole life, I have been protecting myself because I want to avoid death, and protect my life. Well, I had the sense that I had come in direct contact with this thing called “my life”. Like I was seeing “my life” as one ideal thing that I’ve always protected. That life force is the perfect thing that I’ve been fighting to protect all this time. That life force is the reason I live, it’s what I’ve been striving to reach my whole life, and yet, incredibly, it is always present as long as I’m alive. I felt it very important to understand clearly what I’ve been striving for my whole life. It gave me an understanding of what to avoid, and what to let go of.
I knew that nothing could hurt me in this state (emotionally). I looked in to the sky and saw amazing cloud formations. I started having a conversation with some entity in my head. I said something like, “I feel so good now, but I know my whole life won’t be like this”. The entity said, “no, it won’t, but I will give you the divine tool to bring love in to your life”. As I was looking in the sky, a cloud took the form of a giant sword that looked like it was pointing at me. The entity said, “I give you the gift of the sword of the eviscerated soul. The sword is not to be used to attack, the sword is pointing for you, pointing at your own heart. Take the sword, and use it on yourself. Use it to cut out your own apprehension, your own fear, your own hate that keeps you from love. You are the one that is going to have to do the work. You cannot use the sword now, I can only present you the sword. Now you are in a state of perfection, nothing can hurt you here. Take the sword and use it in your everyday life. Use it to cut your own heart open and reveal the love within. You are the one who is going to have to painfully break your own heart to open it up, and you’re going to have to do it without any help, or promise of reward. You are going to have to use the sword despite fear, and in a state of separation.” I was very grateful for the sword, and the potential gift that had been placed in front of me. The potential gift was to see loss as not really a loss, but a gift if the sword is used properly. The gift is that of the divine, but I am the one who is going to have to pick of the sword and point it at my own heart at my own points of weakness, not in my points of strength, or moments of perfection. The sword was for my everyday life, not my ayahuasca life.
I thanked the divine for the gift to be used and resumed my blissful state. I put the headphones back on and listened to some more music, and had one of the most unique experiences of my life. Thoughts became very strange and at first I was afraid, but I received a message from beyond that said, “just look. Just look at what you are shown, that’s all we want.” And so I just looked at the scariness, and each time I looked at it, it was like there was a breakthrough in my head. I would break through the scary part, and I would be shown something fantastic and amazing, and magical, and I would clap like a child clapping at a magician who makes flowers appear from nowhere. I thought, “oh wow, so that’s all the universe wants… it just wants me to look. If I look away, the fear re-occurs, tries to show me again, follows me. It manifests as fear, avoidance, frustration, anger. But as soon as you just look at it, it becomes something else. It shows you love” And I would watch as what was once fear and resistance reform in to brilliance and love. And the way it reformed itself made perfect sense at the time. It was like a puzzle suddenly came together and I was like, “oh yeah! Of course, that’s what it’s trying to show me. Why didn’t I see the puzzle before?”
The most incredible thing that happened was having the experience of feeling colors of charkas glowing and flowing through my body, centered in my heart. I closed my eyes and realized my body was glowing from the inside out, and the glowing lights were moving through my body, giving me pure life energy. The incredible thing was that I wasn’t just imagining this, I somehow literally had the experience of my body changing color and glowing. It was impossible, yet it happened. How can you literally experience being a glowing, oscillating light? And yet that’s what I experienced. It was amazing.
I opened my eyes, so happy to be there on the beach, basking in the silver glow of the moonlight. I looked behind me and remembered there is a large sand dune that I climb if I want to get a good view of the lake. I decided to climb the dune, and that was not easy since pharmahuasca makes physical exertion difficult. As I was climbing, I had the sense that I was climbing to the absolute peak of my whole life, so far. Everything was coming together for me to experience this perfect moment, and it was at the top of the dune. I reached the top and looked upon the beauty of the world. It was perfection.
I felt as though I had returned to one of the most beautiful dreams I have ever had, only the dream had now come true. Years ago, I had a dream that I was on a road at night, looking for a beach. For some reason, it was important that I find the beach. I looked around and through some reeds I could tell the beach was there. I passed through the reeds, and walked through the sand. But to my astonishment, there was no ocean where the sand ended and the ocean should have started. Instead, it was the end of the universe. Past the shores of the sand was nothing but a giant shimmering void of unimaginable beauty. Somehow, this void was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and despite its darkness, was somehow total aliveness. Back to my pharma trip. As I sat atop the sand dune, looking through the reeds, looking at the magnificent darkness of the black sky and the water, I felt I had returned to that place of total peace. I was sitting at the edge of the universe at the pinnacle of my life. In summary, it was a good time. That’s about it.
The night was so exhausting I didn’t want to do dmt for a while, and took a while off. When the trip was happening, I had the thought that one time experience like that would be enough. It was so intense it wasn’t a place I would want to visit often. No trip has been quite like that one. It was unique.
