blacklist thanks for your really well thought out and thoughtful answer. I definitely have changed my goals since those rough times, and have started to figure out what is important to me and what makes me happy. I am still very pressured by society to be a certain way as I am still in school and people are constantly imposing their ideals upon me (fraternity, professors, peers, other adults, etc). I think it will take a great deal of analysis and reflection to figure out what works for me, and which, if any, of those ideals I agree with and want to integrate into my life. I think some of the most unique and important of those need to come from within, though. I cant agree more that the psychedelic mindset has shown me the beauty in the simplest things in life, like nature, and also the power of in the things we cant sense but are still there. There is definitely some kind of energy we don't sense with our five senses. I like to think it is this energy that forms connections between people, places, and objects, and also is also the energy of our feelings.

I have some very close friends who have also gotten really into psychedelics and they have been infinitely valuable in bouncing my ideas and thoughts, and now I have this place as well to expand that collaboration. I think its interesting that you talk about autonomy though, that in the end the self is where happiness comes from, which seems so simple but I constantly feel complicated by that. I feel like I am the kind of person who seeks the approval of others, and sometimes my happiness hinges on that. Maybe when I realize that I am the key to my own happiness, or rather understand it fully, that can help me towards my goal. Not to say I am unhappy at all. I am very happy and grateful for my position in life, I just feel like there is something missing.

I had a very interesting DMT experience two days ago. I was in a dimly lit room with some very ambient psytrance/electronica playing quietly with my good friend. We always take turns, and this was the first time I went first. We didn't take a very large dose, we had some changa which had about 50 or 60 mg total dissolved on it (which was split into two portions). After I smoked it I felt the usual blast off, and I was not having an incredibly intense experience (as expected) until I closed my eyes. Once I closed my eyes I kept going deeper and deeper into the energy, flowing with it. Everything was incredibly colorful, and then all of a sudden everything turned to black and white. I kept going deeper, following the energy, until I hit a "wall" of sorts. Red stained my visuals and I felt an evil force or a negative energy, I felt like it was telling me to stop. So I opened my eyes, and started coming back out. I'm not sure how I knew, but I know that I need to experience something(s) before I can go deeper into that energy. I'm not sure what it all means yet, but I just know that there is something. I definitely need to read into some things. I'm hoping to learn more about chakras, my third eye, and expanding my understanding of the psychedelic experience.

Thanks again for your post, hopefully I can be as at peace as yourself one day!