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The smothering psychedelic blanket

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hexagonal

hexagonal

Rising Star
hey everyone,

it's quite difficult for me to put this into a coherently structured essay, so please bear with me, as I really need your feedback on this.

After about 10 years of being interested in psychedelic compounds for a variety of reasons, I feel it is time to address the biggest obstacle that is prevalent in all of my heavy psychedelic sessions.

Since I have discovered DMT (especially in the form of crystals, smoked) and since reading 'The power of now' by Eckhart Tolle it is clear that there is no easy way out of all the things that scare me and hold me back in life.

To summarize, the concepts of ego death/ego loss and breakthrough are alien to me even after several experiences with mushrooms (dosage up to 6gr dried cubensis), salvia extract and to a lesser extent ayahuasca. The problem is severe anxiety and physical discomfort which arises on a high powered psychedelic journey, and now with the smoked DMT which I am still new to.

To describe a fairly typical occurrence when smoking spice:
-feel calm and determined
-slightly nervous before smoking, but not scared
-take one big hit, hold it, feel first effects, trying not to think too much, take 2nd hit and this is where it usually gets too much. although I might be able to take a 3rd hit if i really wanted to, this is where the pipe is put down.

I get an extreme tension in my stomach, the threat of nausea is nearly always there. Vague toy/game-like patterns waltz over me, fractals and geometric figures are rarely brightly coloured and sharp. There is no meaning in what I am shown, and being fully aware of still being myself I can only THINK about being calm and accepting what's happening, while my body is demanding full attention as if being under attack. There are occasional glimpses of beauty and peace, but that may well be after realizing the worst of the experience is over.

It seems as though the fear of nausea and vomiting is my body's (ego's ?) defense mechanism which prevents me from letting go. I can't begin to describe how powerful it really is. Only in my two ayahuasca journeys, there was simply no option of not vomiting, and doing so did feel good in a way. Trying to hold it in just resulted in mental punishment from the plant spirit if there is such a thing (I'm kind of a hard core skeptic, but will not deny there is a force at work which almost certainly defies rational explanation).

Now, my close friend and co-pilot is sure there is just one thing to do, and that is to smoke as much as I possibly can, giving my ego no chance to threaten with nausea. I feel he may be right, but on the other hand, that a more cautious approach shouldn't be ruled out yet. The experience is overwhelming, overpowering and mostly unpleasant every time I smoke, and too short to make sense of what is going on. Maybe an occasional lower dose of pharmahuasca will do more for me to get more familiar with the effects, but the problem remains: if my ego isn't destroyed, it will leave me with feelings of fear and confusion. The 2 aya sessions were liberating in a way, but going back a 3rd time will be difficult, and it's VERY unlikely that i'll take more than 1 cup of ayahuasca in one session.

Thinking rationally, it's simple: what's the worst that could happen? And yet, I feel stuck, trapped under a smothering psychedelic blanket which I keep pulling over myself, knowing it is not the blanket that is doing something to me; it's all in my mind.

thank you for reading.
 
The onset of smoked DMT is so fast that fear is normal, every psychedelic trip i've ever gone on starts with fear & ends with bliss, i find you just have to learn to deal with the fact a little fear is a part of it and then it usually passes very quickly as you know its just the egos natural response.

I've found calm observation to help a lot, just remember to only observe & don't interpret anything, often it's the misinterpretation that gets most people stuck in fear.
 
Chronic said:
The onset of smoked DMT is so fast that fear is normal, every psychedelic trip i've ever gone on starts with fear & ends with bliss, you just gotta learn to deal with the fact fear is a part of it, integrate it, and then maybe it might not grip your mind so strongly in future voyages as you know its just the egos natural response

I've found calm observation to help a lot, just remember to only observe & don't interpret anything, often its the MIS-interpretation that gets most people stuck in fear
Click to expand...

I agree with everything you say and sadly it's really a matter of easier said than done for me. On the 2nd aya journey there was a point at which I was completely able to see I had to even embrace my 'demons' or fears since they are a part of me, and the most blissful feeling poured out, for a short while at least.

The ego knows when there is even a shred of doubt and abuses it to the fullest extent.
 
hexagonal said:
...To describe a fairly typical occurrence when smoking spice:
-feel calm and determined
-slightly nervous before smoking, but not scared
-take one big hit, hold it, feel first effects, trying not to think too much, take 2nd hit and this is where it usually gets too much. although I might be able to take a 3rd hit if i really wanted to, this is where the pipe is put down.

...
Click to expand...
It is possible to consume a breakthrough dose in a single inhalation, using the proper equipment and technique. Maybe you should aim for a breakthrough dose in a single inhalation?
 
gibran2 said:
It is possible to consume a breakthrough dose in a single inhalation, using the proper equipment and technique. Maybe you should aim for a breakthrough dose in a single inhalation?
Click to expand...

That may well be a solution. Is there any way for you to say what might happen? Have you by any chance experienced something similar with non breakthrough experiences?

Thanks.
 
Try making changa. I personally reccomend 10x caapi changa. You can smoke a small bit, get off the ground a bit, get comfortable, and then go further if you wish. 10x caapi changes the character heavily you should be aware of that. Its much more ayahuasca like, it comes on slower, and it lasts longer.

Smoke it slowly, take it easy, theres no rush, learn from each and every experience. With caapi, she wants pure intentions. Dont focus on breaking through with this medicine, focus on what she is trying to tell you.

If you want an experience more akin to smoked crystal, i would reccomend infusing an electric sheep blend. Its a blend of blue lotus and calea zacatechichi. The blue lotus in it is calming, although usually when im peaking on any psychedelic, there is apprehension.

For me, it is simply because my ego is stripped away, i feel like a little kid again, with an all powerfull force seeping through my conciousness.

Best of luck to you my freind :)
 
The first thing I would suggest is to
Carefully examine your smoking technique
Use a vapor Genie or a vape of some kind if your not already using one
Use Mullein as your carrier herb.
Be careful not to burn the spice. This means
Cleaning the screen often and keeping the
Bowl loaded with only fresh material.

A key thing to address nausea is to eat
A lot of candied ginger before embarking
And during the while process.
Nausea can really add to anxiety and fear
And can be very distracting and mostly ruinous
To a potentially positive experience.

Now I tend to think one of the best ways
Into hyperspace is the gradual approach especially when
You have the issues you speak of.
Start slow and gradually ease yourself in.
This all or nothing 3 giant role approach doesn't work foreveryone
I think there is a misconception about this.
It's not the only way.

Start with lower doses slowly ramp up
Testing the waters as you go . Fear and apprehension
Can sometimes melt away . In many cases you can
Tell if your ready for a big hit or not. Many times I have aborted
Realizing after a few small doses that my body
Was not up to the imminent deep immersion into
Hyperspace.

My whole process can take hours working up
To the big one . Its well worth it when it comes
Set setting set setting set setting set setting .
Everyone has a different approach of course
I can tell you I've arrived at these conclusions
Through a few years of trial and many errors along the
Way. Make adjustments and proceed
Find what works for you . Don't ever feel pressured
That if you don't go balls to the wall you won't get
There its simply not true.
Best of luck to you.
 
I find that nausea usually arises the most if you over-heat it. That being said, I've found salvia extracts to be some of the most powerful yet uncomfortable experiences in the world. Like tactically terrible, and yet that doesn't stand in the way of having a full fledged ego-death. I think if you can manage to get enough of whatever it is in your system at once, no matter how uncomfortable you are, you won't have a choice in the matter if ego-death is what's in the cards.
 
While having kept all the sound advice in mind, 2 days ago it was time for another try with pure spice, this time in silence; after 3 inhalations I was again in the ayahuasca realm (I'm actually very amazed at how similar it feels, and the aya was VERY strong). Hints of south american ancient art, snakes, totem faces and the usual geometric toy/game/circus shapes (if that makes sense), mostly orange colors and a deep dreadful feeling of again being somewhere where I don't belong. It is too powerful for me, and it seems to be only the start of it. My ego is simply saying 'no, you can't, you won't' and I just want it to end, while thinking 'I' dont want this ever again.

It has even convinced me that another ayahuasca session is going to be exactly the same: feeling horrible, feeling wonderful, feeling glad it's ending, never even considering taking a 2nd dose out of fear. No answers, just satisfied to have survived and have my ego telling me 'well done, i'm proud of you'.

People in the chatroom have suggested I need to sort things in my life out first, which is a fair suggestion, if I knew what to sort out. I have my health, a nice place to live, friends, music and art to be inspired by. I may not consider myself happy, but I can smile often and be amazed by many things. The only thing I can think of for the reason that I get the psychosomatic nausea and enormous fear is because of some childhood trauma or other subconscious drama but I can honestly say I don't have a clue what it could be.

My interest in psychedelics is still strong and abandoning this would simply mean giving into the fear. I will try changa, and pharma, though all in good time. There is no rush.

forgive me for posting such a fragmented piece of text. my mind is not at ease when thinking back. I have to write, to learn.
 
We all have past trama in our lives that can eventually
Be illuminated by these substances . Ayahuasca vine tea
When carefully combined with vaped spice can be an amazing
Teacher and healer . It wants to help us .

That being said I don't think past trama is holding you back .
I think you need to address more practical things like
The purity of your spice for starters . Then cutting it with mullein.
Check into mullein . Then taking a lot of ginger in different forms
Before you attempt to go . Get a jump on the nausea before it happens.
There is a learning curve . When I started nausea was a problem for
Me . Cutting the spice with an herb is very important .
There is an art to this . I never have nausea now its no longer an issue.
Because I take precautions and have a technique that works.

Be careful of existing belief systems and too much talk of ego
Etc. Forget that stuff for now . Work on a basic level right now
Address specific issues one at a time .
 
thanks again Felnik. I've just ordered some mulein. While my friend is using the same spice and not reporting nausea or any other negative effects for that matter, I doubt that the spice is the problem. Regardless, I'll look into purifying (a good idea in any case), and smoking technique.

your input is much appreciated.
 
First off, let me start by saying that the issue isn't fear. Multiple aya journeys and heroic shroom doses put that thought aside. It may be a case of classical conditioning. Aya brews cause vomiting, a natural reaction to consuming alkaloids (which to the body is poison). It could be that you have associated aya with vomiting. So now every time you smoke DMT, the similar visuals trigger tell your brain that you just drank aya. A possible solution is to lay off the aya for now. Try taking one small toke sessions and watch the fractal show (which cannot even be remotely reproduced by the greatest supercomputers in the world). When you can actually enjoy this, increase your dosage. There is no rule that says you must breakthrough every time or that you must go balls out (as you clearly are capable of doing) in every session (though I tip my hat off to you for that).

Safe journeys and wondrous journeys to you.
 
melange said:
First off, let me start by saying that the issue isn't fear. Multiple aya journeys and heroic shroom doses put that thought aside. It may be a case of classical conditioning. Aya brews cause vomiting, a natural reaction to consuming alkaloids (which to the body is poison). It could be that you have associated aya with vomiting. So now every time you smoke DMT, the similar visuals trigger tell your brain that you just drank aya. A possible solution is to lay off the aya for now. Try taking one small toke sessions and watch the fractal show (which cannot even be remotely reproduced by the greatest supercomputers in the world). When you can actually enjoy this, increase your dosage. There is no rule that says you must breakthrough every time or that you must go balls out (as you clearly are capable of doing) in every session (though I tip my hat off to you for that).

Safe journeys and wondrous journeys to you.
Click to expand...

thanks for your response, Melange.
You may have misunderstood, or I may have inadvertently exagarated my experiences. The strongest mushroom doses have always been heaven and hell, with the same thing that's happening now: a desperate need to hang on to my sanity (and stomach contents). About the aya ceremonies: there were only 2 (single evening session, minimum dose (1 cup), with a year in between, and the last one a year ago. While having an intense aversion to vomiting, this was the least of my problems in those nights. In fact, the aya has helped in that regard.

The nausea just always seems to be an effect of when a psychedelic experience gets too intense, and for some reason, the idea of vomiting when on mushrooms or smoked spice just triggers an absolute nightmare and instead of saying 'what the hell, i'll puke and get it over with' all i can do is sit very still and HOPE it goes away.

Besides the nausea, when it is gone, the visions are still mostly menacing. What, other than fear, could it be that prevents me from truly accepting my fate?
Well, I hope you are right. It feels like fear, and my suspicion is that it's fear of death, in 'reality' and death of the ego.
 
A lot of times, negative body sensations can be interpreted as negative feelings as well. I've noticed this both with and without psychedelics. An example of without comes before I used any psychedelics at all. I remember lying in bed rather depressed and anxious, but for no apparent reason. It almost seemed unfair that I had nothing to be sad about, and yet here I was. Turned out, once I relieved myself of a bunch of gas, the feelings of depression instantly vanished. It was like my body was misinterpreting the gas as some form of sadness.

The last time I ate shrooms I was highly nauseous and I was angry :evil: It was the most pissed off I had ever been on a psychedelic. I'm not even talking about the usual sadness, despair or anxiety that have characterized bad trips of the past - no - I was fucking angry. Around 2 hours after ingestion, I finally realized that I was going to be able to puke, so I got up, went into the bathroom and let it all up. The idea of puking while tripping can indeed be quite scary, nonetheless, almost as soon as I had finished I could fear the anger subsiding. Without that negative body load of the nausea, my negative feelings tend to disappear as well. Likewise on pharma, during the come-up I usually experience a fair amount of anxiety, but after an hour or so, I'll puke it up and feel on top of the world. I've seen some of the most twisted things while puking, but to be able to peacefully relax and enjoy much more beautiful visuals thereafter has always been worth it for me.
 
hexagonal said:
People in the chatroom have suggested I need to sort things in my life out first, which is a fair suggestion, if I knew what to sort out. I have my health, a nice place to live, friends, music and art to be inspired by. I may not consider myself happy, but I can smile often and be amazed by many things. The only thing I can think of for the reason that I get the psychosomatic nausea and enormous fear is because of some childhood trauma or other subconscious drama but I can honestly say I don't have a clue what it could be.
Click to expand...

You say you have your health but what does that mean. So you are in good shape? Do you do any exercises? I've had to deal with a lot of anxiety and the only thing that works for me is sweat and more sweat and then prayer and meditation before tripping.

Do you smoke cannabis? If I smoke too much cannabis I get anxious.
 
I love that you referred to this as a blanket. With Salivia I have had doses that started visually from a distance as some sort of blanket of interwoven flowing patterns covering all that I could see. It retracted from me as my will was cast upon it until I started to let go and the "blanket" or "veil of existence" swelled closer body.

As Huxley descirbes in the Doors of Perception.. ‘expanding from bright nodes of energy that vibrated with a continuously changing, patterned life’.

Apocalypse = (Greek: ἀποκάλυψις apokálypsis; "lifting of the veil" or "revelation"

More in point of your question.. whether it be beings with intention showing us just the right thing for you at that time in your life to get you to move back a little.. or it be just your ego doing so.. Who's to say that a "they" would feel that you are ready.. or even a more pertinent question.. Who's to say that there isn't a larger plan out there that you serve better purpose for as the person who has not "gone all the way" just yet?

I've found that when I've pushed it far enough past my egos willingness to do so.. the trips have been more confusing, disorienting and have had less meaning to me.
 
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