sarek
The world is hollow and I have touched the sky
I'm not sure what to write for this. I've never been much of an essay writer, I suppose that's why I dropped out of high school/college. Being a full member of the nexus would be an honor to me, though I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be living in civilized society, so it might not make much of a difference.
I was going to read a bunch of other people's introductory essays to get an idea of what to write, but I feel that in not doing so, this will probably be more sincere.
I like to say that I'm fairly experienced in the psychedelic realm, as well as (unfortunately) very experienced in other types of drugs. I've struggled a lot through my adolescence with opiate addiction, and have just recently been able to get away from it for good (I hope it's for good). I think that my history of chemical use stems from a deep sense of general curiousness, but I don't deny there has been a great sense of fear of reality, and I've certainly tried to assuage that fear with all types of substances, from heroin to nitrous oxide, from ketamine to benzos, and many more. It may have been that same escapism that let me to the first time I smoked DMT, which was several years after I had clocked in a considerable amount of marijuana and LSD use. The first feeling I had when I used DMT was "You found it, this is real" and was immediately followed by "Are you sure you're supposed to be seeing this right now?" Nothing has ever given me the same amount of terror, trauma, torture, love, beauty, and overwhelming ecstasy that DMT has. I have used DMT probably 15-20 times or so, though it feels like many more. Even the first time, it felt like I was flashing back to something I knew incredibly intimately; more familiar than anything I've experienced in this life. I make entity contact with very small doses of smoked DMT (15-20 mg)
It was probably around my 4th or 5th time that I experienced one particular entity, and she has not left me alone since. Any time I use DMT now, I need a very small dose, and don't even need to come close to breaking through, and she's right there waiting for me. She terrifies me and comforts me at the same time. She reminds me very much of Jung's Devouring Mother archetype, and also of several Hindu goddesses. Even when I break through "all the way", she comes with me for the whole journey and wants to take me somewhere else. It's been so far impossible for me to come up with the nerve to go with her, and I'm not yet sure if I want to. I am unable to tell if she wants to destroy me or help me. Or if her sense of helping me is something that I'm not ready for, or don't even want. I've been unable to sleep for several days after all of my past few journeys, because every time I get into that stage between waking and sleep, she comes back and tries to lure me in somewhere. I've never felt terror like that.
My experience with her as led me to believe that "breaking through" isn't a very accurate term, because that implies that you reach an end. It makes it sound as if you ended up "all the way" into the experience. But no matter how far I go, no matter how many layers I break through, no matter how many elves, reptiles, and insects I brush by, she's always there luring me. I don't know what to make of it. I suppose I'll have to surrender one day.
I'm not sure how long this is supposed to be or how much I'm supposed to say about myself, but if I were to try to explain everything I feel about DMT and what I think it means, it would take many many many essays written in many many languages. So I guess this is all for now.
I love this place. Anyone who's anyone (in this particular discipline) knows "the nexus." I'm incredibly grateful to be among people of this caliber, and to be able to join in on these discussions. I'm currently freeze precipitating a jar of naphtha/freebase that I got from a small Chaliponga extraction. It was the first extract I've done on my own, though I've been involved in several and have researched it immensely. There seems to be limited data here when it comes to Chaliponga extracts, with a lot of people just ending up with some oily sludge, so I'm looking forward to sharing the results of my extract.
Cheers
I was going to read a bunch of other people's introductory essays to get an idea of what to write, but I feel that in not doing so, this will probably be more sincere.
I like to say that I'm fairly experienced in the psychedelic realm, as well as (unfortunately) very experienced in other types of drugs. I've struggled a lot through my adolescence with opiate addiction, and have just recently been able to get away from it for good (I hope it's for good). I think that my history of chemical use stems from a deep sense of general curiousness, but I don't deny there has been a great sense of fear of reality, and I've certainly tried to assuage that fear with all types of substances, from heroin to nitrous oxide, from ketamine to benzos, and many more. It may have been that same escapism that let me to the first time I smoked DMT, which was several years after I had clocked in a considerable amount of marijuana and LSD use. The first feeling I had when I used DMT was "You found it, this is real" and was immediately followed by "Are you sure you're supposed to be seeing this right now?" Nothing has ever given me the same amount of terror, trauma, torture, love, beauty, and overwhelming ecstasy that DMT has. I have used DMT probably 15-20 times or so, though it feels like many more. Even the first time, it felt like I was flashing back to something I knew incredibly intimately; more familiar than anything I've experienced in this life. I make entity contact with very small doses of smoked DMT (15-20 mg)
It was probably around my 4th or 5th time that I experienced one particular entity, and she has not left me alone since. Any time I use DMT now, I need a very small dose, and don't even need to come close to breaking through, and she's right there waiting for me. She terrifies me and comforts me at the same time. She reminds me very much of Jung's Devouring Mother archetype, and also of several Hindu goddesses. Even when I break through "all the way", she comes with me for the whole journey and wants to take me somewhere else. It's been so far impossible for me to come up with the nerve to go with her, and I'm not yet sure if I want to. I am unable to tell if she wants to destroy me or help me. Or if her sense of helping me is something that I'm not ready for, or don't even want. I've been unable to sleep for several days after all of my past few journeys, because every time I get into that stage between waking and sleep, she comes back and tries to lure me in somewhere. I've never felt terror like that.
My experience with her as led me to believe that "breaking through" isn't a very accurate term, because that implies that you reach an end. It makes it sound as if you ended up "all the way" into the experience. But no matter how far I go, no matter how many layers I break through, no matter how many elves, reptiles, and insects I brush by, she's always there luring me. I don't know what to make of it. I suppose I'll have to surrender one day.
I'm not sure how long this is supposed to be or how much I'm supposed to say about myself, but if I were to try to explain everything I feel about DMT and what I think it means, it would take many many many essays written in many many languages. So I guess this is all for now.
I love this place. Anyone who's anyone (in this particular discipline) knows "the nexus." I'm incredibly grateful to be among people of this caliber, and to be able to join in on these discussions. I'm currently freeze precipitating a jar of naphtha/freebase that I got from a small Chaliponga extraction. It was the first extract I've done on my own, though I've been involved in several and have researched it immensely. There seems to be limited data here when it comes to Chaliponga extracts, with a lot of people just ending up with some oily sludge, so I'm looking forward to sharing the results of my extract.
Cheers
