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Rising Star
You will wonder how you ever went about your life before reading these tips, not mine by the way, lifted from Viz.
1. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
2. Give your bird cage a thatched cottage look by attaching two shredded wheat to the top.
3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
4. Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut.
5. Manchester United fans, save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
6. Avoid jet lag by taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
7. Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
8. Avoid embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the movement several times to make it seem like part of your normal behaviour.
9. Stop nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by stealthily crawling around the house
on all fours.
10. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
11. People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
12. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
13. Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
14. Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
15. Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
16. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.
17. Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
18. Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
19. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
20. Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
21. Men - When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
22. Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
1. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
2. Give your bird cage a thatched cottage look by attaching two shredded wheat to the top.
3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
4. Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut.
5. Manchester United fans, save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
6. Avoid jet lag by taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
7. Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
8. Avoid embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the movement several times to make it seem like part of your normal behaviour.
9. Stop nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by stealthily crawling around the house
on all fours.
10. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
11. People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
12. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
13. Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
14. Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
15. Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
16. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.
17. Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
18. Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
19. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
20. Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
21. Men - When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
22. Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
