88
Rising Star
Most recent journeys have again been difficult - so harsh so void of love. It has been frustrating and mystifying. I felt I had lost the connection.
Last night, after hours of preparation - yoga, clearing the space, stilling my mind - I was presented with an angry blocking frequency, and the journey was utterly void of consciousness or entities. For the first time since I embarked on this path, it felt like I had just taken a drug - it was like the difference between sex with someone you love, and sex with a prostitute. There was no love, no soul, no narrative. It was utterly, utterly indifferent to me.
Then I broke through to a place of seething brown and green coils and spoke out -
Why is it so empty? Why am I here? Where do I go when I die? What is this?
There was no answer. A hyperspatial shrug, an over the shoulder snort of derision.
So today I wanted to return.
I thought perhaps the dose had been too high - a high dose wakes the angry giant ... one must slip in through the narrow throat of hyperspace, almost unnoticed.
Loaded 80mg, rather than the usual 100mg ES - and had a sub-breakthrough. The spice was still angry with me, I felt, though the plants remained my allies, and seemed to almost awww in sympathy; but the Spice was not letting me in.
I felt sad, humbled. What had I done wrong?
After some time, open-eyed, still in tryptamine supersaturated visuals, and I loaded up again with my own special blend, Deep Purple. I didn't measure it out - just eyeballed and went for it. What followed blew me away.
[Now, to explain, in a previous journey I was taught a special way of seeing while in hyerpspace - many of you may have developed the same thing. It is a form of 360 degree awareness; seeing without seeing. I was told it was called 'backward seeing'. (here's a report for anyone interested ...) So when I talk about my field of vision, or what i see, it's seeing in this way.]
The space around me woompfed open like a 9 dimensional iris - across my field of vision, purple/red trees with chocolate balloons growing from them in beautiful vortices. They curl and bend I know by now to follow the direction of their twisting ...
woompf. My breath is taken away completely. I've entered a hyperspace that is completely different and new to me; I have never seen it like this. Until now, it is usually a variation on a theme; it has the same feel, structure, the same dimensions and, if you like, personality, for want of a better word.
This was something completely and utterly alien. Delicate shards, strands of light, like bunches of artfully arranged optifcal fibre in orange and white and pale yellow, pulsing and moving in a waves and pulses.
"Let us begin our dance" she says to me; or telepathically says to me ...
Yes.
There is a point that is the centre of this dance, and I must focus with 100% concentration to keep up with it. We are twisting and bursting through hyperspace, all manner of things flying past - its like running through a jungle of lightbeams and plasticised custard at 100 miles an hour. And she is getting further and further away from me.
There are things all around me, demanding my attention; but I keep my focus on her diminishing point of contact. Something to my upper left is being particularly insistent, and I give it my attention. We stop. It is a different, but related presence. like her brother. He is trying to explain something to me, showing me something.
It's a machine: it's very complex, with are panels of light, facets, orbs and chambers; and the machine's function is this - it is a transdimensional spacecraft. I am trying to look around the machine, but again there is a point where I almost look too far to my upper left and woompf - I crash out into the more familiar chaos of hyperspace ... the plasticine neoprene jimjam coils, constantly changing shape, twisting in on itself in impossible flops. Its blowing raspberries at me.
There is a sense of disappointment. Like I fucked up. I want to get back to the one I was dancing with, but I'm made aware that isn't possible, because I fucked up the connection.
This is very difficult, what we are trying to do. We are trying to make contact.
In an epiphany, I understand. To keep the connection requires total, one hundred percent focus from me; and knowing what to focus on.
I hang my head, and all around me, disappointed jimjam seethes and shifts and roils ... I feel like a child who's been given a helium balloon, and, in a lapse of concentration, I've let go of it, and watched heartbroken as it disappears into the clouds, feeling I've failed and failed the one who entrusted me with the balloon.
We are training you. To connect through this chaos (cue bonkers hyperspace jimjam nonsense shapes) is hard. The gap is wide. It requires a great leap.
You must prepare yourself for this test; be ready. It is the greatest test you will ever face.
Much of what has happened to me in hyperspace made complete sense. The lessons and training; the instructions to take up yoga; being shown and made to understand fear; the lessons in navigation and backward seeing ... these are all so that, once Within, I can remain focused and not become distracted; and that this total focus and intent will lead me to Them.
x------------------------x----------------------x----------------------x
Now, I know there's been much talk lately of mental health, and of not losing ourselves in hyperspace; but though I may sound it, I don't feel crazy and have not forgotten that this is my reality here. I feel great affection for this monkey cage and all of us monkeys that share it.
But after many 'denied access' journeys, and dark angry presences, this has been a welcome return to my developing narrative of hyperspace, and I choose to believe and continue with it, to see where it will take me.
On one powerful previous journey, I met a blue female entity with a sweeping, liquid metal helmet, and she promised me this:
"we will show you Wonders"
as impossible skyscrapers grew and built themselves behind her in infinite complexity and beauty.
I look forward to the Wonders.
much love, fellow travellers
Last night, after hours of preparation - yoga, clearing the space, stilling my mind - I was presented with an angry blocking frequency, and the journey was utterly void of consciousness or entities. For the first time since I embarked on this path, it felt like I had just taken a drug - it was like the difference between sex with someone you love, and sex with a prostitute. There was no love, no soul, no narrative. It was utterly, utterly indifferent to me.
Then I broke through to a place of seething brown and green coils and spoke out -
Why is it so empty? Why am I here? Where do I go when I die? What is this?
There was no answer. A hyperspatial shrug, an over the shoulder snort of derision.
So today I wanted to return.
I thought perhaps the dose had been too high - a high dose wakes the angry giant ... one must slip in through the narrow throat of hyperspace, almost unnoticed.
Loaded 80mg, rather than the usual 100mg ES - and had a sub-breakthrough. The spice was still angry with me, I felt, though the plants remained my allies, and seemed to almost awww in sympathy; but the Spice was not letting me in.
I felt sad, humbled. What had I done wrong?
After some time, open-eyed, still in tryptamine supersaturated visuals, and I loaded up again with my own special blend, Deep Purple. I didn't measure it out - just eyeballed and went for it. What followed blew me away.
[Now, to explain, in a previous journey I was taught a special way of seeing while in hyerpspace - many of you may have developed the same thing. It is a form of 360 degree awareness; seeing without seeing. I was told it was called 'backward seeing'. (here's a report for anyone interested ...) So when I talk about my field of vision, or what i see, it's seeing in this way.]
The space around me woompfed open like a 9 dimensional iris - across my field of vision, purple/red trees with chocolate balloons growing from them in beautiful vortices. They curl and bend I know by now to follow the direction of their twisting ...
woompf. My breath is taken away completely. I've entered a hyperspace that is completely different and new to me; I have never seen it like this. Until now, it is usually a variation on a theme; it has the same feel, structure, the same dimensions and, if you like, personality, for want of a better word.
This was something completely and utterly alien. Delicate shards, strands of light, like bunches of artfully arranged optifcal fibre in orange and white and pale yellow, pulsing and moving in a waves and pulses.
"Let us begin our dance" she says to me; or telepathically says to me ...
Yes.
There is a point that is the centre of this dance, and I must focus with 100% concentration to keep up with it. We are twisting and bursting through hyperspace, all manner of things flying past - its like running through a jungle of lightbeams and plasticised custard at 100 miles an hour. And she is getting further and further away from me.
There are things all around me, demanding my attention; but I keep my focus on her diminishing point of contact. Something to my upper left is being particularly insistent, and I give it my attention. We stop. It is a different, but related presence. like her brother. He is trying to explain something to me, showing me something.
It's a machine: it's very complex, with are panels of light, facets, orbs and chambers; and the machine's function is this - it is a transdimensional spacecraft. I am trying to look around the machine, but again there is a point where I almost look too far to my upper left and woompf - I crash out into the more familiar chaos of hyperspace ... the plasticine neoprene jimjam coils, constantly changing shape, twisting in on itself in impossible flops. Its blowing raspberries at me.
There is a sense of disappointment. Like I fucked up. I want to get back to the one I was dancing with, but I'm made aware that isn't possible, because I fucked up the connection.
This is very difficult, what we are trying to do. We are trying to make contact.
In an epiphany, I understand. To keep the connection requires total, one hundred percent focus from me; and knowing what to focus on.
I hang my head, and all around me, disappointed jimjam seethes and shifts and roils ... I feel like a child who's been given a helium balloon, and, in a lapse of concentration, I've let go of it, and watched heartbroken as it disappears into the clouds, feeling I've failed and failed the one who entrusted me with the balloon.
We are training you. To connect through this chaos (cue bonkers hyperspace jimjam nonsense shapes) is hard. The gap is wide. It requires a great leap.
You must prepare yourself for this test; be ready. It is the greatest test you will ever face.
Much of what has happened to me in hyperspace made complete sense. The lessons and training; the instructions to take up yoga; being shown and made to understand fear; the lessons in navigation and backward seeing ... these are all so that, once Within, I can remain focused and not become distracted; and that this total focus and intent will lead me to Them.
x------------------------x----------------------x----------------------x
Now, I know there's been much talk lately of mental health, and of not losing ourselves in hyperspace; but though I may sound it, I don't feel crazy and have not forgotten that this is my reality here. I feel great affection for this monkey cage and all of us monkeys that share it.
But after many 'denied access' journeys, and dark angry presences, this has been a welcome return to my developing narrative of hyperspace, and I choose to believe and continue with it, to see where it will take me.
On one powerful previous journey, I met a blue female entity with a sweeping, liquid metal helmet, and she promised me this:
"we will show you Wonders"
as impossible skyscrapers grew and built themselves behind her in infinite complexity and beauty.
I look forward to the Wonders.
much love, fellow travellers
