algorithmic
Rising Star
(This is, naturally, posed for a friend. Feel free to replace all "I"s with "SWIM"s and "me"s and "my"s et cetera.)
First, my background, as I believe it colours my later experiences:
I've been interested in psychedelics for a bit over a year now. In that time I've tried mescaline many times, Salvia a few times and LSD and DMT once.
I started with cactus juice. This was generally disgusting, but oddly enough never led to any stomach discomfort. The effects were always very gentle and dreamy. Colours would stand out, straight lines would -- but I could bring everything back to reality simply by focusing on what was real.
For Salvia I started out with smoked 5x extract and sublingual leaves. Neither lead to any effects. I suspect I did not heat the extract enough nor hold it in for an adequate amount of time. As for the sublingual leaves, well, I have never had any success with any sublingual substance -- my technique is surely lacking.
I bought the two LSD tabs from a friend who sells me cannabis occasionally (I smoke rarely, but wouldn't consider cannabis a psychedelic on the same plane as these.) It was entirely inactive.
This brings me up to the past few months. Having found the DMT Nexus, and it's amazing members and guides, I began extracting mescaline from the cacti instead of merely boiling down the skin. I first tried DMT acetate, around 200 mg, and realized no effects. Next, the acetate at about 400mg sent me into a similar dreamy trip as those I had experienced on the cactus juice. This came with some gastrointestinal distress. Not quite satisfied I next tried the hydrochloride. I don't suppose I managed to get a very pure product, but at 400mg this gave me the strongest trip I had yet to experience. Things melted into other things I could also make out and then back into themselves. Colours shifted and were glorious. All throughout, however, I still had a firm grasp on reality.
This brings me to the first time I had Salvia achieve any real effect beyond coughing. Late one night, after a few moments of mental preparation I told my roommate -- as an aside, this roommate is generally not very positive about psychedelic or entheogenic experiences, but he does tolerate them -- that I was going to try Salvia. He was a bit busy, but told me he'd be in his room should I need anything. I measured out 50mg of 10x extract, loaded them into a pipe and went to my room. I turned off the lights, my room now dim, sat down on my bed and smoked one large hit. Afterwards I would see that about 4/5ths of the plant matter burned -- putting the dose somewhere between light and common according to Erowid. I managed to hold the smoke in for a good yet short amount of time. The smoke is harsh. I am not sure for precisely how long. I put the pipe and lighter gently on the floor and lay back on to my bed, looking at the ceiling, eyes open. At first nothing seemed to be happening.
Bam! I woke up. This is the only experience I have ever had that was similar to what happened. It was as though I blacked out momentarily and had just awoken. I had no idea where I was or how I got there or what was happening. Keep in mind that this means I have no idea I took a drug at this point. At first I am inexplicably relaxed, I feel the soft bed pressing against my back and it is indescribably comfortable. But something is odd. I keep getting that feeling on my back, I realize that I am in one quarter-second moment of time that is looping ad infinitum. At first, my thought is, "This is right. I am the 'me' who is supposed to be in this moment." But then I get this feeling that another 'me' has gone on, on into the present. Perhaps this was the me that is supposed to be in this moment. I begin to panic. I am stuck in this moment of time, forever replaying it. My mind immediately thinks on the inevitable insanity that will result from this metaphysical prison. It is worth noting that I have no recollection of what I was seeing at this point. My eyes were closed and I remember opening them at one point, though it made no difference in where I was.
Around this point I remember that I smoked Salvia. I think, "This needs to stop." I greatly desire to fall asleep. To be knocked unconscious, by a blow to the head or otherwise. I consider banging my head against the wall, but quickly rule it out as more insane than what I am going through. Who I am begins to come back to me. Things are far from right though. I feel as though my brain just 'rebooted' but certain systems aren't coming up properly. I fear that I have gone permanently insane. I remind myself, "It's just a drug, it's all in your head." and it does some good. I look around and everything appears entirely normal. I get up and run to my friend's room, stopping as I look into the kitchen and realize it exists. My previous notion that I was stuck in the time-space loop are disproven. I am incredibly shaken but I begin to calm down. I drink some water and return to my room. It feels cold, so I huddle under my blankets, my mind going over the events over and over. I spend the next two hours in my bed integrating the experience. It was the most terrified I have ever been.
After I wake up the next day, I can still remember the terror, but it seems distant, partly unfounded. Right after the experience I was ready to swear off Salvia for my life, but now I reconsider. I see that I may have not prepared properly, had no one else in the room with me -- perhaps took too much. Forgetting that I took any drug for the initial part of the experience and the 'blackout' that occurred are troubling, but not insurmountable. I have some tightness in my chest, still. No pain, just a feeling that I have been through a great ordeal. Thus ends my Salvia trip, for now.
About a week later I decided to try some mescaline again. I mix 200mg harmine with 240mg mescaline hydrochloride and drink it with some juice. This does not result in a pleasant trip. I blame the harmine as my stomach becomes very agitated. I get no visuals and instead my mind races. I cannot focus on a thought for more than a few seconds. I try to, repeatedly, to calm myself and it works. I keep fearing that I've taken too much. That I'm going to go through another experience like I did on Salvia. Thankfully, nothing of the sort happens. I end up feeling sort of drunk, sort of high and sort of wrong. There is no emesis. I am glad when the trip settles down. I think next time I shall stick with straight mescaline. This trip was not enjoyable, but not truly frightening in any manner either.
Finally we come to yesterday, a week after the unfortunate mescaline/harmine experience. I have some DMT lying around (thanks to you wonderful people) and I decide I'll try to vaporize a bit of it. I use the leaf bed method since my steel wool breaks apart after being cleaning in a flame, and I don't trust it to make a Machine. I put some peppermint in my pipe, 30mg of DMT atop that and some more peppermint at the very top. I am alone. I don't expect that this with have huge effects. I try to take a hit, there is far too much smoke, I used far too much peppermint. I cough it out immediately. I try again, with similar results. On my third try I manage a lungful and hold it in for some time. I put the pipe and lighter on the floor (I have the lights on, this time) and lie back on my bed.
I get mescaline-like visuals. They are slightly odder, my ceiling lamp and fan turns into eyes and when I close my eyes I am in a cavern with the lamp's eyes repeating forever (very much like the cover of Rick Strassman's book.) I feel euphoric. I comment to some friends via the Internet that, "DMT is weeeiiird" and "interesting." These effects, though, quickly fade. Before returning to baseline I decide that I'd like to go a bit farther. Hardly a decision one should make in such a state, but so it goes. I measure out 50mg and add it to the ash pile in my pipe, covering it with a small amount of leaves. I vaporize a small amount on my first hit, and begin to feel something, but go back for one more hit. My second hit is large and I manage to hold it in. I would estimate 4/5ths of the material in the pipe was vaporized. Bob Marley sings from my speakers, "Everything little thing's gonna be alright."
I smile and lie supine. A buzzing begins, Bob Marley begins to flee. I feel as though my vision is overpowering my hearing. My face gets this kind of pins and needles feeling; it is not uncomfortable. Bob Marley becomes robotic, I can still hear the music but it begins to sound wrong. He is is saying, "Everything little thing's gonna be alright," again. I try to sing along. I manage, "Ev!" I close my eyes but try to hold on to Bob's singing. The buzzing takes over. I think, "It is coming. It is happening again." For some reason I become convinced that this is what I could not remember from the 'blackout' portion of my Salvia trip.
I enter into a world of an indescribable cacophony of colours. I won't bother trying to explain this. I don't think I broke through, I think this was just the 'chrysanthemum' pattern people report seeing. I have this unshakable feeling that I've seen this before -- that I've BEEN here before. I am certain, in the moment, that this is the same as that Salvia trip. I remember that I'm on DMT the entire time, but I am terrified. My mind repeats, "I've been here before." Shouts, "I've been here before!" I want to sleep. I want to blackout. I do not want to be here. My mind obliges and presents me with the logical solutions to my problem, knock myself out or kill myself. Neither are appealing. I try to calm myself and say it will soon be over.
All the while the world of colour has been changing. Sometimes slow melding, sometimes a sudden change. I get the distinct impression of bees and the world changes into a psychedelic honeycomb. After what was likely a mere minute of real-time, and truly did not seem like much more in the space where I was, I begin to come down. I am pretty terrified. I badly want to hear a human's voice. Bob Marley still sings, but it does not work since it is a recording. I rush over to my desk, the waking world swirling around me. I pick up my cellphone, at least I think it's my cellphone. It has a face. It looks so human. I try to turn it on, but I can't figure out how to work it (it had broken a few hours before, but I was unaware of this.) Things quickly return to normal and I barely even realize why I am terrified. I still badly want to get in contact with people, and manage to talk to some friends via the internet. I quickly relate the experience -- it was much easier to deal with than the Salvia.
It is now today, DMT day was yesterday, I feel happy and stronger for having experienced DMT as I did. I am fearful of returning to either it or Salvia, however. I wonder if the reason the DMT was so much easier to deal with was because of the nature of DMT or because I'd experienced Salvia. I have no desire to return to my Salvia prison. I think this is why I was terrified on the DMT, the mere losing control. In retrospect I truly cannot remember what happened during the 'blackout' portion of the Salvia trip, so I am skeptical that I went to the same world of colours as I did on DMT. Though, the feeling that I was revisiting a place was, and is, unshakable. I cannot ground the fear I felt during the DMT trip. It seems unfounded. I was never stuck in any prison during it. I was given astonishing visions, but they were not frightening in of themselves. I would like to return to DMT. And perhaps Salvia. But I would like to have an experience that I can enjoy more during the experience itself. I would like less fear. This may just be something I must work through for starting with such intense experiences. But I would love to hear others' thoughts on how they manage trips like these, or thoughts on my trips in general.
In the future I shall have friends in the room. That lesson has been learned. I don't think I'll dose again while still affected. Another lesson. So please, beyond those two, tell me your thoughts and suggestions. I feel that I am on the cusp of something great, but I do need to find a path to get there.
And, of course, thank you for taking the time to read my rambling report.
First, my background, as I believe it colours my later experiences:
I've been interested in psychedelics for a bit over a year now. In that time I've tried mescaline many times, Salvia a few times and LSD and DMT once.
I started with cactus juice. This was generally disgusting, but oddly enough never led to any stomach discomfort. The effects were always very gentle and dreamy. Colours would stand out, straight lines would -- but I could bring everything back to reality simply by focusing on what was real.
For Salvia I started out with smoked 5x extract and sublingual leaves. Neither lead to any effects. I suspect I did not heat the extract enough nor hold it in for an adequate amount of time. As for the sublingual leaves, well, I have never had any success with any sublingual substance -- my technique is surely lacking.
I bought the two LSD tabs from a friend who sells me cannabis occasionally (I smoke rarely, but wouldn't consider cannabis a psychedelic on the same plane as these.) It was entirely inactive.
This brings me up to the past few months. Having found the DMT Nexus, and it's amazing members and guides, I began extracting mescaline from the cacti instead of merely boiling down the skin. I first tried DMT acetate, around 200 mg, and realized no effects. Next, the acetate at about 400mg sent me into a similar dreamy trip as those I had experienced on the cactus juice. This came with some gastrointestinal distress. Not quite satisfied I next tried the hydrochloride. I don't suppose I managed to get a very pure product, but at 400mg this gave me the strongest trip I had yet to experience. Things melted into other things I could also make out and then back into themselves. Colours shifted and were glorious. All throughout, however, I still had a firm grasp on reality.
This brings me to the first time I had Salvia achieve any real effect beyond coughing. Late one night, after a few moments of mental preparation I told my roommate -- as an aside, this roommate is generally not very positive about psychedelic or entheogenic experiences, but he does tolerate them -- that I was going to try Salvia. He was a bit busy, but told me he'd be in his room should I need anything. I measured out 50mg of 10x extract, loaded them into a pipe and went to my room. I turned off the lights, my room now dim, sat down on my bed and smoked one large hit. Afterwards I would see that about 4/5ths of the plant matter burned -- putting the dose somewhere between light and common according to Erowid. I managed to hold the smoke in for a good yet short amount of time. The smoke is harsh. I am not sure for precisely how long. I put the pipe and lighter gently on the floor and lay back on to my bed, looking at the ceiling, eyes open. At first nothing seemed to be happening.
Bam! I woke up. This is the only experience I have ever had that was similar to what happened. It was as though I blacked out momentarily and had just awoken. I had no idea where I was or how I got there or what was happening. Keep in mind that this means I have no idea I took a drug at this point. At first I am inexplicably relaxed, I feel the soft bed pressing against my back and it is indescribably comfortable. But something is odd. I keep getting that feeling on my back, I realize that I am in one quarter-second moment of time that is looping ad infinitum. At first, my thought is, "This is right. I am the 'me' who is supposed to be in this moment." But then I get this feeling that another 'me' has gone on, on into the present. Perhaps this was the me that is supposed to be in this moment. I begin to panic. I am stuck in this moment of time, forever replaying it. My mind immediately thinks on the inevitable insanity that will result from this metaphysical prison. It is worth noting that I have no recollection of what I was seeing at this point. My eyes were closed and I remember opening them at one point, though it made no difference in where I was.
Around this point I remember that I smoked Salvia. I think, "This needs to stop." I greatly desire to fall asleep. To be knocked unconscious, by a blow to the head or otherwise. I consider banging my head against the wall, but quickly rule it out as more insane than what I am going through. Who I am begins to come back to me. Things are far from right though. I feel as though my brain just 'rebooted' but certain systems aren't coming up properly. I fear that I have gone permanently insane. I remind myself, "It's just a drug, it's all in your head." and it does some good. I look around and everything appears entirely normal. I get up and run to my friend's room, stopping as I look into the kitchen and realize it exists. My previous notion that I was stuck in the time-space loop are disproven. I am incredibly shaken but I begin to calm down. I drink some water and return to my room. It feels cold, so I huddle under my blankets, my mind going over the events over and over. I spend the next two hours in my bed integrating the experience. It was the most terrified I have ever been.
After I wake up the next day, I can still remember the terror, but it seems distant, partly unfounded. Right after the experience I was ready to swear off Salvia for my life, but now I reconsider. I see that I may have not prepared properly, had no one else in the room with me -- perhaps took too much. Forgetting that I took any drug for the initial part of the experience and the 'blackout' that occurred are troubling, but not insurmountable. I have some tightness in my chest, still. No pain, just a feeling that I have been through a great ordeal. Thus ends my Salvia trip, for now.
About a week later I decided to try some mescaline again. I mix 200mg harmine with 240mg mescaline hydrochloride and drink it with some juice. This does not result in a pleasant trip. I blame the harmine as my stomach becomes very agitated. I get no visuals and instead my mind races. I cannot focus on a thought for more than a few seconds. I try to, repeatedly, to calm myself and it works. I keep fearing that I've taken too much. That I'm going to go through another experience like I did on Salvia. Thankfully, nothing of the sort happens. I end up feeling sort of drunk, sort of high and sort of wrong. There is no emesis. I am glad when the trip settles down. I think next time I shall stick with straight mescaline. This trip was not enjoyable, but not truly frightening in any manner either.
Finally we come to yesterday, a week after the unfortunate mescaline/harmine experience. I have some DMT lying around (thanks to you wonderful people) and I decide I'll try to vaporize a bit of it. I use the leaf bed method since my steel wool breaks apart after being cleaning in a flame, and I don't trust it to make a Machine. I put some peppermint in my pipe, 30mg of DMT atop that and some more peppermint at the very top. I am alone. I don't expect that this with have huge effects. I try to take a hit, there is far too much smoke, I used far too much peppermint. I cough it out immediately. I try again, with similar results. On my third try I manage a lungful and hold it in for some time. I put the pipe and lighter on the floor (I have the lights on, this time) and lie back on my bed.
I get mescaline-like visuals. They are slightly odder, my ceiling lamp and fan turns into eyes and when I close my eyes I am in a cavern with the lamp's eyes repeating forever (very much like the cover of Rick Strassman's book.) I feel euphoric. I comment to some friends via the Internet that, "DMT is weeeiiird" and "interesting." These effects, though, quickly fade. Before returning to baseline I decide that I'd like to go a bit farther. Hardly a decision one should make in such a state, but so it goes. I measure out 50mg and add it to the ash pile in my pipe, covering it with a small amount of leaves. I vaporize a small amount on my first hit, and begin to feel something, but go back for one more hit. My second hit is large and I manage to hold it in. I would estimate 4/5ths of the material in the pipe was vaporized. Bob Marley sings from my speakers, "Everything little thing's gonna be alright."
I smile and lie supine. A buzzing begins, Bob Marley begins to flee. I feel as though my vision is overpowering my hearing. My face gets this kind of pins and needles feeling; it is not uncomfortable. Bob Marley becomes robotic, I can still hear the music but it begins to sound wrong. He is is saying, "Everything little thing's gonna be alright," again. I try to sing along. I manage, "Ev!" I close my eyes but try to hold on to Bob's singing. The buzzing takes over. I think, "It is coming. It is happening again." For some reason I become convinced that this is what I could not remember from the 'blackout' portion of my Salvia trip.
I enter into a world of an indescribable cacophony of colours. I won't bother trying to explain this. I don't think I broke through, I think this was just the 'chrysanthemum' pattern people report seeing. I have this unshakable feeling that I've seen this before -- that I've BEEN here before. I am certain, in the moment, that this is the same as that Salvia trip. I remember that I'm on DMT the entire time, but I am terrified. My mind repeats, "I've been here before." Shouts, "I've been here before!" I want to sleep. I want to blackout. I do not want to be here. My mind obliges and presents me with the logical solutions to my problem, knock myself out or kill myself. Neither are appealing. I try to calm myself and say it will soon be over.
All the while the world of colour has been changing. Sometimes slow melding, sometimes a sudden change. I get the distinct impression of bees and the world changes into a psychedelic honeycomb. After what was likely a mere minute of real-time, and truly did not seem like much more in the space where I was, I begin to come down. I am pretty terrified. I badly want to hear a human's voice. Bob Marley still sings, but it does not work since it is a recording. I rush over to my desk, the waking world swirling around me. I pick up my cellphone, at least I think it's my cellphone. It has a face. It looks so human. I try to turn it on, but I can't figure out how to work it (it had broken a few hours before, but I was unaware of this.) Things quickly return to normal and I barely even realize why I am terrified. I still badly want to get in contact with people, and manage to talk to some friends via the internet. I quickly relate the experience -- it was much easier to deal with than the Salvia.
It is now today, DMT day was yesterday, I feel happy and stronger for having experienced DMT as I did. I am fearful of returning to either it or Salvia, however. I wonder if the reason the DMT was so much easier to deal with was because of the nature of DMT or because I'd experienced Salvia. I have no desire to return to my Salvia prison. I think this is why I was terrified on the DMT, the mere losing control. In retrospect I truly cannot remember what happened during the 'blackout' portion of the Salvia trip, so I am skeptical that I went to the same world of colours as I did on DMT. Though, the feeling that I was revisiting a place was, and is, unshakable. I cannot ground the fear I felt during the DMT trip. It seems unfounded. I was never stuck in any prison during it. I was given astonishing visions, but they were not frightening in of themselves. I would like to return to DMT. And perhaps Salvia. But I would like to have an experience that I can enjoy more during the experience itself. I would like less fear. This may just be something I must work through for starting with such intense experiences. But I would love to hear others' thoughts on how they manage trips like these, or thoughts on my trips in general.
In the future I shall have friends in the room. That lesson has been learned. I don't think I'll dose again while still affected. Another lesson. So please, beyond those two, tell me your thoughts and suggestions. I feel that I am on the cusp of something great, but I do need to find a path to get there.
And, of course, thank you for taking the time to read my rambling report.
