psytherion1
Rising Star
I'm not new here just haven't visited for 6 or so years. Also forgot my email so my name has a 1 after it.
So the past week I have been making progress getting a little better just by realizing. That I had a lot of fear in my, a fear that I was following as if it would lead me home. I've since realized that it's just going to continue leading to outcomes I don't want. So I will no longer let that lead my life and it's become a bit of a practice for me just noticing when I notice the fear come back.
Also had I thought that I don't have to be a victim of circumstance. Which has been pretty big too though I'm still wrapping my head around how to not live as a victim and to learn to check in on that part of me.
I've mainly come up on realizations with the support of smallish amounts of cannabis.
Though I did try mushrooms at first around 2 grams then the whole 3.5 after about an hour. Was finishing making dinner as it started to hit me. And I was planning on just staying inside where it was warm but suddenly my music started buffering. And I had the thought that maybe I ought to go for a walk. I don't know whether the music stopped just for me to have the thought or it was purely coincidence but a lot of times under the influence I feel like thing's like that happen.
I ate went for a walk had some pleasant thoughts and some about people that irk me. Which would get me to think of I'm carrying this with me, not sure if it's something I want but maybe the thoughts come because I haven't resolved something in my own head. Anyways the trip didn't really go on that long for me. I went back did some qi gong saw some mental imagery of my mother and father in bed together. Sounds kinda weird to write but I think it came up because the qi gong instructor on YouTube said to imagine something peaceful. Later after qi gong I laid down listening to music and would see mental imagery come and go. Sometimes fearful, one image repulsed me I think it may have been vindictiveness. Because all I could think was I would never want to hurt another. I think sometime after that I just stopped getting images all together which led to me wondering why. Is the lack of an image supposed to represent an emotion or feeling. All I can think of was maybe it's fomo or something. Because it did end kinda disappointingly even though I want to accept what I got. Oh one more thing I think the imagery ended around the time I decided to go out for a cigarette. So I don't know if cigarettes interrupt the trip or what.
Anyways it lasted me from 3 pm to about 5 or 6 pm. The mental imagery has me wondering if it's supposed to represent an emotion within me. It seemed like when I tried to understand what I was seeing the imagery would change into for instance a kitten swatting at my nose. Or if I didn't understand the imagery seemed to get more intense as though it was saying no try again. In the past I think this imagery could've led me down a rabbit hole.
So the past week I have been making progress getting a little better just by realizing. That I had a lot of fear in my, a fear that I was following as if it would lead me home. I've since realized that it's just going to continue leading to outcomes I don't want. So I will no longer let that lead my life and it's become a bit of a practice for me just noticing when I notice the fear come back.
Also had I thought that I don't have to be a victim of circumstance. Which has been pretty big too though I'm still wrapping my head around how to not live as a victim and to learn to check in on that part of me.
I've mainly come up on realizations with the support of smallish amounts of cannabis.
Though I did try mushrooms at first around 2 grams then the whole 3.5 after about an hour. Was finishing making dinner as it started to hit me. And I was planning on just staying inside where it was warm but suddenly my music started buffering. And I had the thought that maybe I ought to go for a walk. I don't know whether the music stopped just for me to have the thought or it was purely coincidence but a lot of times under the influence I feel like thing's like that happen.
I ate went for a walk had some pleasant thoughts and some about people that irk me. Which would get me to think of I'm carrying this with me, not sure if it's something I want but maybe the thoughts come because I haven't resolved something in my own head. Anyways the trip didn't really go on that long for me. I went back did some qi gong saw some mental imagery of my mother and father in bed together. Sounds kinda weird to write but I think it came up because the qi gong instructor on YouTube said to imagine something peaceful. Later after qi gong I laid down listening to music and would see mental imagery come and go. Sometimes fearful, one image repulsed me I think it may have been vindictiveness. Because all I could think was I would never want to hurt another. I think sometime after that I just stopped getting images all together which led to me wondering why. Is the lack of an image supposed to represent an emotion or feeling. All I can think of was maybe it's fomo or something. Because it did end kinda disappointingly even though I want to accept what I got. Oh one more thing I think the imagery ended around the time I decided to go out for a cigarette. So I don't know if cigarettes interrupt the trip or what.
Anyways it lasted me from 3 pm to about 5 or 6 pm. The mental imagery has me wondering if it's supposed to represent an emotion within me. It seemed like when I tried to understand what I was seeing the imagery would change into for instance a kitten swatting at my nose. Or if I didn't understand the imagery seemed to get more intense as though it was saying no try again. In the past I think this imagery could've led me down a rabbit hole.
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