What exactly is Ego Death and how do I know if I went through it?

[Psytherion]

Whether I ever actually experienced Ego death has been a question for me for quite awhile.

I suppose the obvious answer would be the personality dissapated with all thought's and relation to other's with it. Starting with me I know I've experienced a loss of memory or perhaps attachment to it. And that even grasping on memories to try and relate to other's around me seemed fruitless. Not to say I don't develop new ones or anything like that though. I also often times would feel like theirs nothing but silence inside. I imagine in a sense a single eye covered by darkness or nothing, maybe that's where "third eye blind" comes in. Generally their would be a lack of emotion. I also imagine this in a sense that if a person had experienced life multiple times that at some point you would feel like it's all been done so what's the point? I spent a long time in that stagnant place.

But eventually felt like I almost had to split in two in a way in order to be able to relate to anyone or anything. Where as the alternative seemed to just be stagnation. It almost seems like you have to begin to rebuild after a wreck. Is this necessary in order to understand more about oneself perhap's? I have been laughing a little more and am able to cry at times at just the sheer insanity of this world we live in. And very much ascribe to the idea that even though there is so much suffering in this world and happening at this very moment that I almost have to learn how to laugh again even in the face of that prodicument. I feel like I kind of had to wrestle with the idea of how I imagined it playing out. But after all that it seem's that working through with sheer willpower is a big part of it. And having people who are receptive to alternative view's who would listen and validate some of my own view's. Which seemed to help me to teach myself to give value to my own view's. Rather than being around people who simply want to force their answers down your throat and internally bring me to a place where at the time I felt like my view's had no value and were left unheard.

I still haven't taken any psychedelics in quite some time which I am very grateful for the fact I chose to lay off and give myself some time. A big part of writing this post was just that I wanted to point out that I'm OK and am slowly getting better.

If you can relate feel free to comment, it's always good to hear opinions from other's on this so as to try and develop as clear a view as I can without getting to stuck in my own biases.

As an additional aside I may have made it unclear. I most certainly still retain my memories it's just that they usually seem devoid of an emotional connection.

 

[SpartanII]

You will know if you go through it.

IME, it was a fully-conscious experience, and even though I don't remember too many details (it was 15 years ago), I still have pretty good memory of it, although it's mostly just impressions, as even at the time I wouldn't have been able to put it into words.

Basically, you lose a sense of dualism between "you" and everything else. "You" are everything, you are All. There is no sense of time, there is no "Here" vs "There"; everywhere is just Here, Now. It's an instinctual, familiar, visceral, Knowing-Feeling of just Being. It was simple, quiet, beautiful, and true.

 

[Cognitive Heart]

Being egoless (with aid from tryptamines), ime, is a strong, brief feeling of this kind of ego rapture following this state of pure stillness, peace and silence. No words to really describe 'it.' No bliss.. but in itself felt similar to bliss. Two intertwined opposites co-existing together.

You will know if you go through it.

This 100%.

You'll know once you baseline and your jaw has dropped without your awareness that it did.. but your mind, heart and body feels expanded, alive and refreshed. You know undeniably that something powerful has passed, yet it remains a mystery. Anything before that, really, is like a profound dream. Some aspects can be surfaced but the experience is usually difficult to recall altogether. Practicing techniques (such as breathing) and having cues for when you want to breakthrough can be helpful, rewarding and possibly easier to navigate the state of being 'egoless.' Although, I think this can be experienced through both sober and psychoactive states.

 

[Ryusaki]

You'll find out afterwards.
For me, i realized afterwards that i was without anything for what appeared as eternity: No ideas, no words, no concepts, no identification, nobody there who could have them.
I had totally forgotten that i was a human beeing, or that beeing was even an option.

 

[TGO]

This is the first post from Two Kinds of Ego Death! There is a lot of useful information found within that thread.

For me, simply put:

Ego Death = The complete dismantling and dissolution of the self (and/or soul) brought on by strong psychedelic experiences.

In my time perusing the Nexus, and other psychedelic-related forums, I've noted that there seem to be two different experiences that both come with the label "ego death," which I've started to think of as "Hard" and "Soft" Ego Death.

"Soft" Ego Death seems to happen more frequently at lower doses, and it's a sense that, while the experiencer is still having a 1st hand experience of existing, all the mental associations they have about themselves (their name, history, self-concept, etc), have been shed, leaving some kind of pure 'self.' That self, however, is still self-aware, and still understands itself as something different from the outside world (i.e. it can draw the distinction between that which is it, and that which is not it).

"Hard" Ego Death is something that I've only seen described at high doses (+3.5 g of magic mushrooms, or very high doses of LSD), and that gets described as a total breakdown of the boundaries between the 'self' and the 'the universe.' It becomes impossible to distinguish where one ends and the universe begins. The internal monologue and subjective experience of being 'I' ends. This seems closer to the transcendental states described by early mystics in their writings on religious experience, while "Soft" Ego Death is more psychoanalytical or cognitive. "Soft" Ego death occurs in all cases of "Hard" ego death, but not vise versa. "Hard" ego death is almost like loosing consciousness, and more prone to descriptions such as "union," "becoming one with," or "God."

Does this resonate with anyone else?

Blessings
~ND