I have not dosed enough to "break through". I'm convinced now it's a self-confidence issue, but whatever, having this in my life in small doses once a week or so has completely changed everything. Although I've never been to hyperspace, I see pretty plainly to how it is interacting and connecting with my daily reality, and I'm endlessly searching for further intricacy.
Regardless!
When I was a young teenager, I was in a horrible relationship for two years where this boy had completely convinced me that what he was doing to me -couldn't- be rape because he was my boyfriend, and he basically owned me.
Obviously this was a major struggle in my life. Being sexual again with other partners was always like walking on eggshells. Any motion done in an aggressive manner could easily send me over the edge. It had to be nothing but sweet and kindness, or I would forget who i was, who i was with, and what is happening to me, and start to bawl my eyes out and curl up into a little ball for HOURS until I latch onto something that brought with it, my memory.
I was never formally diagnosed, but you dont have to take a college course in psychology to identify that as PTSD. Often my partners (all obviously wonderful men to be willing to deal with such a broken person) told me I would take on other personalities in this state, none of which i had any memory of. I often feared I was had multi personality disorder due that traumatic experience.
Since this spice has entered my life, I had a trigger that usually opened up the world where I would then lose all memory to. Instead this trigger- MIND YOU I"M STONE COLD SOBER FOR ALL OF THIS, EVEN THOUGH I FELT LIKE I WAS ON A SERIOUS TRIP-- seemed to open non-physical doors around me in the X shape where my heart was the center of the X and the doors seemed to go on for eternity
but all of these doors were white, and bright, and full of light, and i could see with my third eye through all of these doors and they were all OPEN! and i could see through everyone of them, and at the center was this organ like thing, that I knew was the very core of my hurt.
and I looked at it, and it's very being in my reality helped me understand it-- and as I'm sure you all understand, my expression of this now is just a poor shade of words to how much it meant to me.
So I non-physically started to walk through the doors towards my hurt, A few of the doors let me walk through them like they were nothing, but then this one door seem to have plaid a trick on me, and i came out of this door in a dark ally way in a rainy town.
I walked out of the allyway and onto the street, to find that i was in a town just south of were i grew up. I looked around a bit, and then to my surprise, I saw myself, walking on the other side of the street. I entered a coffee shop right across from where i was standing. I watched myself through the window, trying to remember when in my life this was.
I was in the prior mentioned abusive relationship. I was in such a dark place.
I remember i used to walk around this town, listening to music, trying to mediate. I remembered that doing this was one of the only ways I could feel just "OK".
I breathed deep and i wanted to get into my old consciousness. This was not hard. I was seeing what I had seen, and was no longer in control of where I was looking. My consciousness was blasted with an old Breaking Benjamin CD, and my mind was so busy. So busy, it was not aware I had entered.
The only thing I could connect with my old self with was the hurt. And my oldself was rich in it. I wanted to help myself. So with all of my power and all of my might I used a new feeling I had learned very well: Inner peace. I used every inch of myself to convey a sense of inner peace. And as I did this, I felt like I was handed a lot of pain by my old self.
I then took this pain away, and I woke up with heavy on my heart, while I laid on my bed-- My lover VERY CONFUSED. I bawled, but in a releasing away. I was able to cry out that hurt i had brought with me.
It seems as though, I have been able to time travel and manipulate my personal emotional karma if you will.
I think we can time travel, and I think PTSD a serious example of this. We need to understand this phenomenon better.
So I have a lot of questions for you:
1. Have you ever been able to time travel?
2. If so, how?
3. Here's an abstract idea, if our heads are filled with spice naturally at death- and on spice any given amount of time can pass-- then you essentially could experience and infinite after-life. What if mediation is actually connecting with our "dead selves" and once we die we will be allowed to re-visit ourselves when we are in a meditative place to give ourselves advice.
This would be why people who don't mediate with themselves seem to have no inner-wiseness.
Tell me your thoughts please
I just love feed back ! I'm also kind of putting myself out there in this post. This experience has really allowed me to open up about my rape experience. So, it's all kind of new and fresh. But in the best ways. I feel like, I've "cured" my PTSD
Regardless!
When I was a young teenager, I was in a horrible relationship for two years where this boy had completely convinced me that what he was doing to me -couldn't- be rape because he was my boyfriend, and he basically owned me.
Obviously this was a major struggle in my life. Being sexual again with other partners was always like walking on eggshells. Any motion done in an aggressive manner could easily send me over the edge. It had to be nothing but sweet and kindness, or I would forget who i was, who i was with, and what is happening to me, and start to bawl my eyes out and curl up into a little ball for HOURS until I latch onto something that brought with it, my memory.
I was never formally diagnosed, but you dont have to take a college course in psychology to identify that as PTSD. Often my partners (all obviously wonderful men to be willing to deal with such a broken person) told me I would take on other personalities in this state, none of which i had any memory of. I often feared I was had multi personality disorder due that traumatic experience.
Since this spice has entered my life, I had a trigger that usually opened up the world where I would then lose all memory to. Instead this trigger- MIND YOU I"M STONE COLD SOBER FOR ALL OF THIS, EVEN THOUGH I FELT LIKE I WAS ON A SERIOUS TRIP-- seemed to open non-physical doors around me in the X shape where my heart was the center of the X and the doors seemed to go on for eternity
but all of these doors were white, and bright, and full of light, and i could see with my third eye through all of these doors and they were all OPEN! and i could see through everyone of them, and at the center was this organ like thing, that I knew was the very core of my hurt.
and I looked at it, and it's very being in my reality helped me understand it-- and as I'm sure you all understand, my expression of this now is just a poor shade of words to how much it meant to me.
So I non-physically started to walk through the doors towards my hurt, A few of the doors let me walk through them like they were nothing, but then this one door seem to have plaid a trick on me, and i came out of this door in a dark ally way in a rainy town.
I walked out of the allyway and onto the street, to find that i was in a town just south of were i grew up. I looked around a bit, and then to my surprise, I saw myself, walking on the other side of the street. I entered a coffee shop right across from where i was standing. I watched myself through the window, trying to remember when in my life this was.
I was in the prior mentioned abusive relationship. I was in such a dark place.
I remember i used to walk around this town, listening to music, trying to mediate. I remembered that doing this was one of the only ways I could feel just "OK".
I breathed deep and i wanted to get into my old consciousness. This was not hard. I was seeing what I had seen, and was no longer in control of where I was looking. My consciousness was blasted with an old Breaking Benjamin CD, and my mind was so busy. So busy, it was not aware I had entered.
The only thing I could connect with my old self with was the hurt. And my oldself was rich in it. I wanted to help myself. So with all of my power and all of my might I used a new feeling I had learned very well: Inner peace. I used every inch of myself to convey a sense of inner peace. And as I did this, I felt like I was handed a lot of pain by my old self.
I then took this pain away, and I woke up with heavy on my heart, while I laid on my bed-- My lover VERY CONFUSED. I bawled, but in a releasing away. I was able to cry out that hurt i had brought with me.
It seems as though, I have been able to time travel and manipulate my personal emotional karma if you will.
I think we can time travel, and I think PTSD a serious example of this. We need to understand this phenomenon better.
So I have a lot of questions for you:
1. Have you ever been able to time travel?
2. If so, how?
3. Here's an abstract idea, if our heads are filled with spice naturally at death- and on spice any given amount of time can pass-- then you essentially could experience and infinite after-life. What if mediation is actually connecting with our "dead selves" and once we die we will be allowed to re-visit ourselves when we are in a meditative place to give ourselves advice.
This would be why people who don't mediate with themselves seem to have no inner-wiseness.
Tell me your thoughts please
I just love feed back ! I'm also kind of putting myself out there in this post. This experience has really allowed me to open up about my rape experience. So, it's all kind of new and fresh. But in the best ways. I feel like, I've "cured" my PTSD
