Origami Existence
Rising Star
It's amazing to me how every trip I've taken on pharma seems to always be completely different. The most recent experience I had was certainly one of the most powerful, and although a part of me is resistant to sharing it, one of the messages I received while on pharma suggests that I really ought to (as you may see from my title).
I believe I took an 80mg dose (It is generally my bf RayOfLight that administers it to me, so please read his experiences too). I had been feeling very tired during recent days, as well as not eating enough. But pharma has a way of drawing me to it... I can't resist it's allure.
As soon as I took it, I ate (upon the suggestion of others, to settle my stomach, as well as to get some much needed nourishment). I was on this forum, and after about 40 minutes, I started to feel dizzy. I leaned back on the bed, and closed my eyes, and was assailed by visuals that first appeared like a delectable candy land with icing and sprinkles, in shades of soft white, peppermint green, and sky blue. The shapes changed, to become ribbon-like, forming a 3D maze pattern. And for some reason (as I have done on every pharma trip thus far), I thought of Salvia. I suppose it is because I associate Salvia with "ego-death", and these moments remind me the most of Salvia. I burrowed myself under the blankets, and was met with these intricate designs that still had a 3D paper/ribbon like quality, in rainbow/neon colours set on a black backdrop. It was beautiful, but there was this feeling behind it. Of uncertainty, and uneasiness.
A fear started to rise within me. I was feeling nauseous, I thought I was going to vomit. I felt the need to go to the bathroom, but it was a suspended state, as though my body couldn't decide. I forced myself to get up to use the bathroom, though I stumbled uneasily, and ultimately found no relief in the stark, institution-like feel of the bathroom. I made my way back to bed, desperate to burrow under the covers. An intense, intense tiredness overcame me, along side the nausea. I wanted it to end, I just wanted to sleep and have peace. It seemed like torture that this substance was keeping me awake. And then, a message formed in my mind: "You have to die to be reborn". I knew that if I just pushed through this, everything would be okay.
I started to feel a little better. The images in my mind were subsiding, but thoughts and emotions were forming in their place. The nausea disappeared, and I looked at my bf, grateful for his presense. I thought of how amazing his existence was.
"He was made..."
"For me?" I wondered.
"... to be shared"
And then I thought of myself, and it told me "You were made... to be shared"... and I could see/feel pieces of myself coming apart, and I was infused with this feeling of love, and of wanting to share myself, with others; to give myself to them. I thought of this forum, of the chat room. I thought of how much I love all of you, how much I want you all to be with me, sharing this. I thought of my mum and dad too, of how absolutely lucky I am to have them, and how much I love them, and it's at this point that an entity started to form.
It/She was telling me how lucky I was to be who I was. She was saying "You can't even imagine the odds of being you. You can't imagine how lucky you are to be you." It/She said "You are so beautiful. You all are beautiful to me."
She was very much a mother-like entity, and she started scolding me, in that loving way of hers. She told me she couldn't believe I wasn't taking better care of myself; especially when I was so lucky to be who I was. She made me suffer the nausea and tiredness earlier so I knew exactly what I was putting myself through.
She also said "Promise me you'll tell your parents you love them"... and I promised. It's something I definitely don't say enough to them.
I started to think, in wonderment about how every pharma trip I've had is totally different. I thought of that Disney movie Pocahontas... that line "You never step in the same river twice"... and I found that idea echoing over and over in my head.
And yet, at the same time, I was being bombarded with information about the universe. About how you can see the universe in the smallest thing, and how everything is just a cycle. It became a paradox; a puzzle in my mind. How can you never step in the same river twice, and yet exist in an infinte cycle? How?? My eyes were open wide in amazement. I felt like i was looking at the ultimate pattern of the "Great Architect of the Universe" and yet, it was so vast I could only see a tiny piece of it.
I started thinking of how everything that exists, just exists in our head. I looked over at my body, stunned about how the physical, the body, the spirit; how it all tied together, as one thing, all in my head, inside me and outside me at the same time. It was EVERYTHING. I was able to perceive this all encompassing "everything" all at this moment.
It was just the nature of life (and death). The entity was there again, and we spent a few lifetimes, just basking in life. She was my mother/lover/child. She was me. At one point, she took my image, and changed my gender, so that I was the male in the relationship. She/it also showed me life on an alien planet... about how we're all the same, just cycling through life.
Time became distorted. I remember looking at the time and it read 7:57. After what seemed like an eternity had passed, I looked at the time again, and it had not changed. My mind reeled in amazement. Where had I been? What had happened?
I find that for me, Pharma lets me go very gently. My bf kept telling me "I wish this didn't have to end", but as much as I enjoyed the experience, life itself was a wonderful thing as well. It sends me off with love, and tells me it'll always be with me.
There is so much more to this experience, but that is the basics of it. I know it's kind of a long blurb, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. Thank you all for being here. And thank you for your experiences as well... what I read here has an interesting way of manifesting itself in my trips.
I believe I took an 80mg dose (It is generally my bf RayOfLight that administers it to me, so please read his experiences too). I had been feeling very tired during recent days, as well as not eating enough. But pharma has a way of drawing me to it... I can't resist it's allure.
As soon as I took it, I ate (upon the suggestion of others, to settle my stomach, as well as to get some much needed nourishment). I was on this forum, and after about 40 minutes, I started to feel dizzy. I leaned back on the bed, and closed my eyes, and was assailed by visuals that first appeared like a delectable candy land with icing and sprinkles, in shades of soft white, peppermint green, and sky blue. The shapes changed, to become ribbon-like, forming a 3D maze pattern. And for some reason (as I have done on every pharma trip thus far), I thought of Salvia. I suppose it is because I associate Salvia with "ego-death", and these moments remind me the most of Salvia. I burrowed myself under the blankets, and was met with these intricate designs that still had a 3D paper/ribbon like quality, in rainbow/neon colours set on a black backdrop. It was beautiful, but there was this feeling behind it. Of uncertainty, and uneasiness.
A fear started to rise within me. I was feeling nauseous, I thought I was going to vomit. I felt the need to go to the bathroom, but it was a suspended state, as though my body couldn't decide. I forced myself to get up to use the bathroom, though I stumbled uneasily, and ultimately found no relief in the stark, institution-like feel of the bathroom. I made my way back to bed, desperate to burrow under the covers. An intense, intense tiredness overcame me, along side the nausea. I wanted it to end, I just wanted to sleep and have peace. It seemed like torture that this substance was keeping me awake. And then, a message formed in my mind: "You have to die to be reborn". I knew that if I just pushed through this, everything would be okay.
I started to feel a little better. The images in my mind were subsiding, but thoughts and emotions were forming in their place. The nausea disappeared, and I looked at my bf, grateful for his presense. I thought of how amazing his existence was.
"He was made..."
"For me?" I wondered.
"... to be shared"
And then I thought of myself, and it told me "You were made... to be shared"... and I could see/feel pieces of myself coming apart, and I was infused with this feeling of love, and of wanting to share myself, with others; to give myself to them. I thought of this forum, of the chat room. I thought of how much I love all of you, how much I want you all to be with me, sharing this. I thought of my mum and dad too, of how absolutely lucky I am to have them, and how much I love them, and it's at this point that an entity started to form.
It/She was telling me how lucky I was to be who I was. She was saying "You can't even imagine the odds of being you. You can't imagine how lucky you are to be you." It/She said "You are so beautiful. You all are beautiful to me."
She was very much a mother-like entity, and she started scolding me, in that loving way of hers. She told me she couldn't believe I wasn't taking better care of myself; especially when I was so lucky to be who I was. She made me suffer the nausea and tiredness earlier so I knew exactly what I was putting myself through.
She also said "Promise me you'll tell your parents you love them"... and I promised. It's something I definitely don't say enough to them.
I started to think, in wonderment about how every pharma trip I've had is totally different. I thought of that Disney movie Pocahontas... that line "You never step in the same river twice"... and I found that idea echoing over and over in my head.
And yet, at the same time, I was being bombarded with information about the universe. About how you can see the universe in the smallest thing, and how everything is just a cycle. It became a paradox; a puzzle in my mind. How can you never step in the same river twice, and yet exist in an infinte cycle? How?? My eyes were open wide in amazement. I felt like i was looking at the ultimate pattern of the "Great Architect of the Universe" and yet, it was so vast I could only see a tiny piece of it.
I started thinking of how everything that exists, just exists in our head. I looked over at my body, stunned about how the physical, the body, the spirit; how it all tied together, as one thing, all in my head, inside me and outside me at the same time. It was EVERYTHING. I was able to perceive this all encompassing "everything" all at this moment.
It was just the nature of life (and death). The entity was there again, and we spent a few lifetimes, just basking in life. She was my mother/lover/child. She was me. At one point, she took my image, and changed my gender, so that I was the male in the relationship. She/it also showed me life on an alien planet... about how we're all the same, just cycling through life.
Time became distorted. I remember looking at the time and it read 7:57. After what seemed like an eternity had passed, I looked at the time again, and it had not changed. My mind reeled in amazement. Where had I been? What had happened?
I find that for me, Pharma lets me go very gently. My bf kept telling me "I wish this didn't have to end", but as much as I enjoyed the experience, life itself was a wonderful thing as well. It sends me off with love, and tells me it'll always be with me.
There is so much more to this experience, but that is the basics of it. I know it's kind of a long blurb, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. Thank you all for being here. And thank you for your experiences as well... what I read here has an interesting way of manifesting itself in my trips.
