Kamsue eal
"Silly monkey, you aren't meant to know"
First off, I would like to state I do not think that anyone in their right mind should do anything like this...
It was about 5 years ago that this took place. It has not necessarily taken this long to understand what had taken place that night fully, however it has taken a considerable amount of time. It took between two and three years to fully understand what had taken place both inside and outside my mind and then another year to implement in some way what I had learned. Due to the time from the trip and the lack of real-world memories some things needed to be filled in by those present who had not taken DMT
I was 23 years old and had taken DMT to the point that I felt familiar with the come-up and had “broken through” a few times by this point. That day I spent time together with a friend I will name Paddy and my girlfriend at the time (now fiancée) Ammie; we had been drinking slightly I would say 2 to 3 beers each. I know mixing substances is not advised but I come from a drinking culture, and having guests means consumption of alcohol. After a couple of hours of relaxing and talking, I brought up the DMT that I had saved from an extraction that I had done a year prior, Paddy had also taken DMT with me at his house once and was familiar with the experience of other psychedelics. He seemed genially intrigued as I was by the substance and its effects.
It was naivety that led me to consume such a large amount of DMT that night. As I brought out the DMT I had stored in a sealed glass vial, Paddy was sipping the last of his beer as Ammie washed some dishes. I sat next to him with my small bong with a titanium nail in hand, opened the vial and both of us smelled pure DMT. It smelled like fresh pollen even a year after (at least to me and Paddy). I handed him the vial and told him to scoop me up some while I heat the nail. I had some scales that I had used in the past to show how many mg I was taking. At first, we used it, scooping up approximately 35mg (about the weight of a grain of rice) of DMT in the scoop. I took it and poured the contents of the scoop into the red-hot nail, inhaling hard as I did, the familiar taste of mothballs filled my mouth and as I exhaled Paddy had another scoop to pass to me of about the same amount, I had already been reheating the nail anticipating the nest hit.
After the first weighing, we stopped and just eyed it. Paddy says it had been about the same amount as the initial 35mg each, but I obviously cannot be sure. Paddy scooped 4-5 times (his estimate as to how many times he handed me the scoop, I cannot remember beyond the second hit) after the last hit all I can remember from my conscious mind was the sensation of sliding and the thought of “Yeah, I just took way too much”. I felt the sensation of being pulled through the tunnel, seeing colors and shapes that are unimaginable to the sober mind, suddenly I felt love, a lot of love, and I felt pain. In my head I imagined that Ammie, Paddy, and I had been celestial bodies (planets, stars, etc...) orbiting around each other, the pain I felt from coming close to the others as I orbited them in an eligible fashion could only be described as having all your atoms pulled simultaneously in one direction. As we came closer to each other, however, I felt immense love for them, and it felt as if it had been centuries since we had been close enough to feel each other in this celestial forum.
Suddenly I was thrust out of my vision and placed back in my body, still tripping but just back seeing out of my own eyes. What I saw was Ammie, she was saying my name and looking into my eyes, as I looked at her, I saw her hair blowing in some breeze that was not there, as her hair flickered, small little pieces I can only describe as atoms flowed from her hair blowing to the left. As I gazed at her, I noticed her face had been the most beautiful I had ever seen, perfectly semestrial goddess-like. The background was at first comprised of familiar things it looked exactly like my apartment Livingroom but suddenly everything changed. The only way I can describe it is if you have ever been in MS Paint and have used the swirl tool to expand and pixelized pictures, my whole room suddenly swirled as if it was a galaxy and began having the same effect as Ammie's hair, with particles flowing from everything. I opened my eyes; I was at my front door with Paddy and Ammie behind me. I began telling Ammie and Paddy that we are all just God, just the universe seeing itself analyzing what makes it tick, feeling, and experiencing, in my head I knew if I opened the door, I would see a cat that Ammie and I had been taking care of, a stray we named Sweetpea. I opened the door, and he was there staring up at me, I walked out, and he led me to the woods right behind my house. I stumbled over some roots and fell, pulling myself onto my back, and looking up at the night sky it was purple, and I felt a sense that this needed to happen.
When I opened my eyes, I was looking up at the still purple skies, however, I could not remember my name, I could not remember being human and I could not remember where I was. Someone was calling out loudly, I crawled from the woods and saw Paddy standing there I could not remember his name but all I felt was intense love I mumbled at first (what Paddy told me) then I said, “I love you; I remember you... are we gay?” he laughed at me and Ammie stepped from the front door, seeing her I sprang into an intense euphoria I said, “ Oh my god, she's here too”. Paddy led me to the door and when I hit the threshold. I was then in complete blackness, I was alone, no one was there, and I felt an immense amount of dread and sorrow. I remembered bringing back something with me to my world from my trip, not a physical object but an idea, a powerful idea.
In the past I had trips and had broken through, I had told my friends that it was like you know something of immense importance while you are there but then when you come back you lose it all. I described it like you have a file on a computer that can contain 5 gigs of data, and you are attempting to jam 25 gigs of data into it, you may get some of the data but not the entire amount. This time I brought the full amount back, and it broke the file. I remember being in darkness for generations feeling the death of trillions of beings in the universe feeling total loss, feeling destruction. I felt alone. In my head, it must have been thousands of years or nothing but me and my thoughts. It was all my fault.
(this whole section aside from my feelings, had to be filled in by Ammie and Paddy) I awoke in my car. Ammie was driving, Paddy was in the back seat. I was physically spinning in the passenger seat. I kept telling them I had made a huge mistake, I destroyed everything, and I was so sorry for the pain I had caused them and everyone. I do remember in my head I was like a clock, and I was trying to make things right. I kept coming in and out of consciousness as we drove around my city I could tell we were just driving around and when we would stop in a quiet subdivision I remember needing to walk around the car in a very particular fashion, (again in my head it was just a feeling that I was fixing something important). All I can remember is a deep feeling that I needed to spin my body and move in a particular way to “rewind the universe.” I came down as we pulled into Paddy's driveway, I can remember Paddy saying that he must go because it was getting late and him reassuring Ammie that I would be fine in a bit. As he left, I came fully back to my body. Ammie was seriously worried about me that night, but I assured her that I was back and that I was fine but just had an intense experience. She filled me in with details slowly about what had happened from her perspective as did Paddy. When I took the initial hits, I slid from the couch I was sitting on, in the process dropping the small bong with the titanium nail and breaking. I then began making loud intense mumbles and slight screams, paddy helped me back on the couch and let me sit for a few minutes before Ammie felt something was not right and tried to wake me, when she did that is when I had seen her perfect self. Then suddenly they said I stood up and began talking about how I figured it out and knew it all along that we were all just God divided so he could not be alone in the universe so he could feel and experience so he could know himself. Then I opened the door, scared poor Sweetpea by swinging it open, and followed the cat to the woods where Paddy found me and brought me back inside where I began making more moaning/screaming noises. Ammie got extremely uncomfortable and decided that we should go for a drive to try to settle me down. In total, I was in and out of consciousness for about an hour and a half (far longer than any other DMT trip I had ever been on).
It took about a year to feel like myself again after this experience, I had overdone it, and it broke me for a while. For months I could not go an hour without thinking of the intense trip and the feeling that I had destroyed an entire universe, killing everyone and everything in the process and now I had just been living in a similar universe. For about a year I struggled to cope with this experience, I had to talk to my doctor and a psychologist to fully come to grips with what had taken place in my mind that night.
At the time I worked in healthcare and was beginning to see how it was affecting me mentally, seeing suffering every day and barely being able to help was depressing. After this trip, I started looking at life differently. At first, I was so scared of what had happened to me but after a year I had internalized it to the point that I could move on and try to better my life. I worked hard for a couple of years and saved money in the hopes of going back to school for a different field (now studying electrical engineering) I left my old career and hauled my pension to fund school. It may seem odd but after this trip, I had a new perspective on life, I felt like I was a new man. Before this trip, I had struggled heavily with religion and belief but after this, I believed that at the very least consciousness is not so simple to explain as brain chemistry. Today about 5 years later, I still think of the trip often, it was mind-breaking and terroir inducing, but it honestly made me a better person and opened my mind to faith in God in the universe.
Thanks to anyone who read this, and I am sorry if it was slightly long and a little hard to follow, I am sure you can all understand why, my memories are a little scattered and jumbled. I still take psychedelics (like mushrooms) but treat them with much more caution and respect, since then I have had very few negative experiences with the vast majority being positive and uplifting. Thanks for reading.
Yours truly,
Kamsue.
It was about 5 years ago that this took place. It has not necessarily taken this long to understand what had taken place that night fully, however it has taken a considerable amount of time. It took between two and three years to fully understand what had taken place both inside and outside my mind and then another year to implement in some way what I had learned. Due to the time from the trip and the lack of real-world memories some things needed to be filled in by those present who had not taken DMT
I was 23 years old and had taken DMT to the point that I felt familiar with the come-up and had “broken through” a few times by this point. That day I spent time together with a friend I will name Paddy and my girlfriend at the time (now fiancée) Ammie; we had been drinking slightly I would say 2 to 3 beers each. I know mixing substances is not advised but I come from a drinking culture, and having guests means consumption of alcohol. After a couple of hours of relaxing and talking, I brought up the DMT that I had saved from an extraction that I had done a year prior, Paddy had also taken DMT with me at his house once and was familiar with the experience of other psychedelics. He seemed genially intrigued as I was by the substance and its effects.
It was naivety that led me to consume such a large amount of DMT that night. As I brought out the DMT I had stored in a sealed glass vial, Paddy was sipping the last of his beer as Ammie washed some dishes. I sat next to him with my small bong with a titanium nail in hand, opened the vial and both of us smelled pure DMT. It smelled like fresh pollen even a year after (at least to me and Paddy). I handed him the vial and told him to scoop me up some while I heat the nail. I had some scales that I had used in the past to show how many mg I was taking. At first, we used it, scooping up approximately 35mg (about the weight of a grain of rice) of DMT in the scoop. I took it and poured the contents of the scoop into the red-hot nail, inhaling hard as I did, the familiar taste of mothballs filled my mouth and as I exhaled Paddy had another scoop to pass to me of about the same amount, I had already been reheating the nail anticipating the nest hit.
After the first weighing, we stopped and just eyed it. Paddy says it had been about the same amount as the initial 35mg each, but I obviously cannot be sure. Paddy scooped 4-5 times (his estimate as to how many times he handed me the scoop, I cannot remember beyond the second hit) after the last hit all I can remember from my conscious mind was the sensation of sliding and the thought of “Yeah, I just took way too much”. I felt the sensation of being pulled through the tunnel, seeing colors and shapes that are unimaginable to the sober mind, suddenly I felt love, a lot of love, and I felt pain. In my head I imagined that Ammie, Paddy, and I had been celestial bodies (planets, stars, etc...) orbiting around each other, the pain I felt from coming close to the others as I orbited them in an eligible fashion could only be described as having all your atoms pulled simultaneously in one direction. As we came closer to each other, however, I felt immense love for them, and it felt as if it had been centuries since we had been close enough to feel each other in this celestial forum.
Suddenly I was thrust out of my vision and placed back in my body, still tripping but just back seeing out of my own eyes. What I saw was Ammie, she was saying my name and looking into my eyes, as I looked at her, I saw her hair blowing in some breeze that was not there, as her hair flickered, small little pieces I can only describe as atoms flowed from her hair blowing to the left. As I gazed at her, I noticed her face had been the most beautiful I had ever seen, perfectly semestrial goddess-like. The background was at first comprised of familiar things it looked exactly like my apartment Livingroom but suddenly everything changed. The only way I can describe it is if you have ever been in MS Paint and have used the swirl tool to expand and pixelized pictures, my whole room suddenly swirled as if it was a galaxy and began having the same effect as Ammie's hair, with particles flowing from everything. I opened my eyes; I was at my front door with Paddy and Ammie behind me. I began telling Ammie and Paddy that we are all just God, just the universe seeing itself analyzing what makes it tick, feeling, and experiencing, in my head I knew if I opened the door, I would see a cat that Ammie and I had been taking care of, a stray we named Sweetpea. I opened the door, and he was there staring up at me, I walked out, and he led me to the woods right behind my house. I stumbled over some roots and fell, pulling myself onto my back, and looking up at the night sky it was purple, and I felt a sense that this needed to happen.
When I opened my eyes, I was looking up at the still purple skies, however, I could not remember my name, I could not remember being human and I could not remember where I was. Someone was calling out loudly, I crawled from the woods and saw Paddy standing there I could not remember his name but all I felt was intense love I mumbled at first (what Paddy told me) then I said, “I love you; I remember you... are we gay?” he laughed at me and Ammie stepped from the front door, seeing her I sprang into an intense euphoria I said, “ Oh my god, she's here too”. Paddy led me to the door and when I hit the threshold. I was then in complete blackness, I was alone, no one was there, and I felt an immense amount of dread and sorrow. I remembered bringing back something with me to my world from my trip, not a physical object but an idea, a powerful idea.
In the past I had trips and had broken through, I had told my friends that it was like you know something of immense importance while you are there but then when you come back you lose it all. I described it like you have a file on a computer that can contain 5 gigs of data, and you are attempting to jam 25 gigs of data into it, you may get some of the data but not the entire amount. This time I brought the full amount back, and it broke the file. I remember being in darkness for generations feeling the death of trillions of beings in the universe feeling total loss, feeling destruction. I felt alone. In my head, it must have been thousands of years or nothing but me and my thoughts. It was all my fault.
(this whole section aside from my feelings, had to be filled in by Ammie and Paddy) I awoke in my car. Ammie was driving, Paddy was in the back seat. I was physically spinning in the passenger seat. I kept telling them I had made a huge mistake, I destroyed everything, and I was so sorry for the pain I had caused them and everyone. I do remember in my head I was like a clock, and I was trying to make things right. I kept coming in and out of consciousness as we drove around my city I could tell we were just driving around and when we would stop in a quiet subdivision I remember needing to walk around the car in a very particular fashion, (again in my head it was just a feeling that I was fixing something important). All I can remember is a deep feeling that I needed to spin my body and move in a particular way to “rewind the universe.” I came down as we pulled into Paddy's driveway, I can remember Paddy saying that he must go because it was getting late and him reassuring Ammie that I would be fine in a bit. As he left, I came fully back to my body. Ammie was seriously worried about me that night, but I assured her that I was back and that I was fine but just had an intense experience. She filled me in with details slowly about what had happened from her perspective as did Paddy. When I took the initial hits, I slid from the couch I was sitting on, in the process dropping the small bong with the titanium nail and breaking. I then began making loud intense mumbles and slight screams, paddy helped me back on the couch and let me sit for a few minutes before Ammie felt something was not right and tried to wake me, when she did that is when I had seen her perfect self. Then suddenly they said I stood up and began talking about how I figured it out and knew it all along that we were all just God divided so he could not be alone in the universe so he could feel and experience so he could know himself. Then I opened the door, scared poor Sweetpea by swinging it open, and followed the cat to the woods where Paddy found me and brought me back inside where I began making more moaning/screaming noises. Ammie got extremely uncomfortable and decided that we should go for a drive to try to settle me down. In total, I was in and out of consciousness for about an hour and a half (far longer than any other DMT trip I had ever been on).
It took about a year to feel like myself again after this experience, I had overdone it, and it broke me for a while. For months I could not go an hour without thinking of the intense trip and the feeling that I had destroyed an entire universe, killing everyone and everything in the process and now I had just been living in a similar universe. For about a year I struggled to cope with this experience, I had to talk to my doctor and a psychologist to fully come to grips with what had taken place in my mind that night.
At the time I worked in healthcare and was beginning to see how it was affecting me mentally, seeing suffering every day and barely being able to help was depressing. After this trip, I started looking at life differently. At first, I was so scared of what had happened to me but after a year I had internalized it to the point that I could move on and try to better my life. I worked hard for a couple of years and saved money in the hopes of going back to school for a different field (now studying electrical engineering) I left my old career and hauled my pension to fund school. It may seem odd but after this trip, I had a new perspective on life, I felt like I was a new man. Before this trip, I had struggled heavily with religion and belief but after this, I believed that at the very least consciousness is not so simple to explain as brain chemistry. Today about 5 years later, I still think of the trip often, it was mind-breaking and terroir inducing, but it honestly made me a better person and opened my mind to faith in God in the universe.
Thanks to anyone who read this, and I am sorry if it was slightly long and a little hard to follow, I am sure you can all understand why, my memories are a little scattered and jumbled. I still take psychedelics (like mushrooms) but treat them with much more caution and respect, since then I have had very few negative experiences with the vast majority being positive and uplifting. Thanks for reading.
Yours truly,
Kamsue.
