A Journey of Fear

[friken]

This is the story of my first DMT experience. I am going to try my best to keep my own opinion or analysis out of it as I would like to get as much unbiased feedback as possible.

About me. I am a 38 year old male w three kids 6-18. I was raised without any religious dogma. I have read a lot of spiritual material such as the law of one and lots of offshoots to the “we are all one” concept, and like the feel of that material. However, I have never had any experience in life which I would describe as a connection to anything beyond my own ego/self. As much as I would have liked to, when others describe knowing they are part of something bigger than themselves, it is not something I have been able to share in feeling or experience.

My drug use background is almost nil. I have been drunk a few times in my life. I rarely drink. I smoked marijuana once with friends a decade ago -- literally a couple puffs. To call me a complete newbie at anything psychotropic would be accurate.

I have felt spiritually lost for a long time. My main life struggle for the last 4 years was recovering from my wife having an affair. It hit my ego very hard. One year ago I fell in love with another woman. To this day I love them both very deeply.

I bought mimosa root over a year ago. My plan was to make my own dmt crystal to smoke. I really don't like smoking and the more I read the more I wanted the 'full' ayahuasca experience. I wanted more time in the place of learning and reflection. Three days ago I decided to make my own brew with powdered mimosa inner root bark I had purchased so long ago.

I had read about a cold water extract of the root bark and tried it. The post from OTT stated 25grams offered an active experience without an maoi. I was a bit worried about using an maoi so I wanted to try that first. I followed the information and decided to use 35grams since my root was old and because OTT described his experience as on the low end of the scale and that if he tried that again he would try 30-40 or more.

I drank the brew from 2 one hour cold water extractions. No activity for me at all. I thought either the root bark I had was old, weak, or bogus product. Interesting to note, I had only mild stomach upset and never did puke.

The next day I set out to find syrian rue. I found a local indo-pak store carried it and home I went to try again with a maoi.

I boiled 7 grams of rue with a little lemon for 30 minutes. I filtered it in cheesecloth and divided the liquid in two servings.

I then boiled 20g of powdered mhrb with a little lemon juice for 3 extractions of 30 minutes each. After filtered through cheesecloth for each I then brought the liquid to steaming and added a single egg yolk per information I found for lessening the chance of puking. Being that I questioned the strength of what I had, I figured I would need to keep it down to have a chance at success. After filtering the egg yolk the remaining liquid was still quite dark. I should have used more egg whites but I only had one egg. I divided the liquid into two servings (~10g each). To try and keep both as close as I could I poured back and forth several times so one didn't have all the heavier parts at the bottom.

I took the rue and waited for 25 minutes. I did not experience anything from the rue. stomach was fine, no lightness or anything that others describe. I was ready for the mimosa tea.

Or I thought I was ready.... I have read so many times that set and setting is everything and I thought I had the best set and setting for me. I decided I needed to do this journey alone. I separated from my wife a few months back and while we are still very close, I did not want all the emotional stress of that relationship being my babysitter. Due to life in general and the past 4 years, my life has been extremely isolated so I do not have any friends who I know to sit. So, my apartment, alone was the most peaceful setting there is in my life. I was ok with that, or so I thought.

I drank the brew at 7:45. Light nausea came on almost immediately. I fought it so I could keep the brew down. It passed for 10-12 minutes. The second wave of nausea was insta-puke. I would guess I only threw up 1/2 of the contents of my stomach but there is no real way of knowing. Within seconds of throwing up I started seeing colors. I had seconds to lie down.

I lay down on a futon bed. As soon as I did the colors grew more intense and geometric patterns were obvious. Something between a Metatron Cube and flower of life but far, far more complex and no curves, all straight edges. My throat burned from throwing up and that brought me back to body long enough to stand up stumble for a blanket (only two feet from the futon) and lay back down.

By now I had little to no eye vision of the room or anything but insanely deep black backdrop to the most colorful geometric patterns. I felt the blanket take me -- it was pulling me down the abyss. This was the first feeling of terror. I was disconnecting from body.

I had read that one of the up sides to taking ayahuasca instead of smoking was the more gentle onset. This was anything but gentle. It was quick, extreme, and mind blowing. The feel of the blanket slithering over me becoming and endless abyss was extreme. I think I stood up and shed the blanket, but I am unsure as I had no more awareness of any surrounding. I recall struggling to keep my body. This was not what I had read about, not what I expected. I was terrified.

I was fighting to tell if my body existed anymore. Was I dead? From that point on I would describe the experience in waves where I could almost touch lucidity of a self very briefly for very short periods but from a very far distance. I had a fraction of a thought of rolling to my side in case I threw up I didn't want to die in vomit. When I rolled, not sure if I rolled, but the intent was there -- I was in an echo chamber. I was alone. Always alone.

The sound was there, as a jet engine, or hum of air conditioner 1000x louder. There were colors. My brain does not have the words to describe it. Nothing was there. No one to greet me, nothing to tell me I am safe, no guide, no entity. My fear permeated all of existence.

In darkness I faced my deepest fear. I died and I was alone. There was nothing more, no other side, no relatives, angels, aliens, absolutely no redemption -- nothing but uncaring eternity. In that place I stayed... for years.. decades maybe. The entire time I was alone in a depth that I can only describe as endless despair. Always a darkness of thought around the corner but even that was never formed into an entity. I longed for even a negative entity. Anything to not be alone.

And there was silence. The hum went away. For so long the hum was there I didn't even know it was there until it stopped. The silence was jarring. It was deafening silence.

A room of color and pattern. Not a room as we know it as there were no walls or bounds but the patterns made it feel more confining than the abyss. Still nothing to greet me. No one, nothing but broken, warped time. I am unsure why I use the word time as it had no real meaning where I was. My mind does not have the words and I find my brain picking words or concepts to describe it that were not there in the visual sense. For example this silent 'room of color' I can only describe as the Cheshire cat from alice in wonderland. It was not an entity, it had no visual construct but it was a master of the clock. It was the gatekeeper and I was found unworthy to go further (no idea why I wrote that... again no words to describe it, just concepts that don't quite fit).

Sometime during this part of the 'trip' small short waves of lucidity started to emerge. I did not know who or what I was yet. The ego was gone but I was in a panic. I knew only one thing. I needed help. I needed to know anything in the universe had even a thread of compassion.

As the short periods of lucidity extended I remembered the concept of a phone. I needed it. I was not sure why and as I slowly started remembering who and what I was I was angry about wanting it. It was useless to me and a negative concept. It wasn't until seemingly weeks later I understood that I wanted to call for help and the grounding object of the phone wasn't for the phone but for the help it could bring. I groped in the dark for the phone.

As others have experienced, time does not work on dmt. As the lucidity extended, I would try to focus on a lcd clock in the room. The room was dark. After what felt like 1000s of waves in and out of lucidity and months of looking for my cell phone I was able to make out the time. It was 8:00. 8:00 what day of what year or even if I was alive, I did not know. I knew it should be important, but I could not remember why.

Eventually my lucidity existed in longer intervals and I was able to recall the concept of light. I struggled to get to a light switch in what I would describe as athereal blur like when Bilbo puts on 'the ring'. I did find the switches and turned them on. The despair stacked as nothing happened. It was seemingly weeks later before enough lucidity existed for me to recall the concept of a ceiling fan and the things that dangled from it could be pulled to turn on the light. Another eternity passed and I found the ropes in the sky to pull. I had light.

I had an overwhelming feeling of having forgotten a long lost purpose. Something that felt like lifetimes ago. I needed help.... the phone. In the light I looked... and looked. Lucidity was longer periods but the material world was not a full construct yet. I really couldn't yet tell reality from not as I would look on what I thought was a bed or counter but also see the endless paterns that brought more fear. I could lose myself in any one of those patterns and may never find this place again.

The swirling dark mass on the floor. It had been there for lifetimes -- yet it took shape. It was my pants. The phone, yes it was in the pocket of the pants. The amount of bliss in finding it was overwhelming. The disappointment of having zero ability to use it was heart breaking. My despair continued.

I made it to the kitchen and turned on the light. The whiteness of the florescent lights was bliss. It gave me hope. I struggled to the sink wanting to throw up. Maybe if I could throw up I could end the hell I was in. I could make myself gag but I just wasn't sick. I couldn't throw up. Hunched over the sink the DRAINS! The depth of them.... don’t look or I may get lost in a new abyss!

The sink had a right and left side. One side a larger black hole (the disposal). It was endless evil. the right side. I liked the right side of the sink. I turned on the water. The beauty of flowing water. It was the first real and good thing I experienced. I cried and cried.

Looking around the counter pattern shifted. The red would pop out and show me the non-real contruct of the reality. My word to describe it was ‘ant'... I didn't see any ants but that is the closest word to describe the counter of red pattern. Oh my, the darkness.

There was a pot on the counter. It was had cinnamon and lemon I had boiled to lessen the smell in the place after making the brew. The edges of the pot had brown. My mind went to very dark places as if the baked on cinnamon was fresh blood of a murder. I see the cheesecloth... stained with brown -- the veil of a new bride who was murdered, head smashed with a rock. The darkness of thought was instant and endless. All the dark plots of movies, all the dark thoughts you never let take the forefront of waking though -- all right there to face me. Back to the water!

The water saved me. I closed my eyes and tried to keep my head under the flow of water. It was the comfort I needed to remember.... I NEED HELP! Back to the phone. A name! I remember the name of my wife! I remembered that I have a wife! For a split second I thought of the shame of her bringing our kids with her... I HAVE KIDS! Details of a distant life were coming back to me. In an instant I didn't care about anything other than the compassion help would be to me. I didn't care if it was from a neighbor I had never met, paramedic, or anyone. I am naked. I don't care! Embarrassment was not a concept that held meaning anymore. The thought came back -- I have a wife -- I remember her name. And I found the entry in my phone.

I couldn't figure out how to make a call.... I think I recalled how to text. The keyboard wasn't fully in focus and wouldn't be still. I got out two words thanks to auto-correct. "come now". And I held on.... All I could do is grab onto the neck of the faucet for dear life and cry. I wasn't sure if I had actually sent a message or not. Eventually, clarity started forming enough to make a call and I called her. She was on her way. I'm sure I didn't make any sense to her, but I needed her to know it was the most angelic voice I had ever heard. It felt like the first time in centuries I had heard anything other than fear --anything beyond an abyss – anyone.

When she arrived. The bliss started. From that very point on, and for what felt like days, I was able to enjoy the experience of coming down. She arrived in a white shirt. It glowed. The first thing I needed to tell her was that she did not want to do what I had just done. She offered the comfort I needed. I slowly calmed down. I started to enjoy the patterns. I rainbows of the water droplets, the white of the bathroom sink, the sort yellows of the walls of my place.... all seen as if for the first time.

She noticed a good sized knot on the back of my head behind my left ear. I have no idea how it got there. It felt like a spider bite, but who knows given my lack of lucidity for what felt like centuries!

My wife spread a blanket on the floor and after a little trepidation that I would fall through it, I laid down to enjoy the rest of the experience. She lay beside me and propped her head up on one elbow. It was right out of alice in wonderland. Her arm was not in 3d space but floating, palm 90 degrees to the forearm, head rested perpendicular to the forearm and was impossibly not attached to anything else. Her face was 5x larger than it should be... but I loved every second of it.

7:20 Drank the Rue
7:45 Drank the Brew
7:48 Slight Nausea
7:55 Spewed
7:56 Entered the abyss
8:26 SMS text to wife
8:35 wife arrived
~10:30pm mostly grounded back to reality

I am struggling integrating the experience. Maybe I saw exactly what I needed to see. I saw my greatest fear in all its glory. I hope someday I can find the courage to go further. I am unsure if my experience was "breakthrough" or not. It was for sure not like experiences I have read. I really would like to visit the comforting bliss places many have described.

Thoughts?

 

[Legit]

This is such a well-written and deep report. I wish I could give advice, reassurance, or something... But alas, I have no psychedelic experience aside from MJ.

Still, I feel compelled to say something. All I can say is to just come to grips with what you experienced. Don't block it out... Take what you can from it. Look deep into the events of the experience, the thoughts you had during the experience, and within yourself as a whole. Piece it together and attempt to make some sense of it. You've probably tried this already, but I don't know what else to say.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, but I'm inexperienced when it comes to these matters. Someone else who is more experienced will help you here, I'm sure.


Best wishes, Legit

 

[friken]

Thanks for the reply. Even without advice, just knowing someone read it made posting it all worth it!

As absolutely terrifying the experience was, I find myself reflecting positively on it. I'm not sure I'm ready to go do it again, but if that day ever comes I learned a LOT about what not to do... like panic

It will take me some time to process it all.

 

[blahblahblah]

First, I know that the darkness was a very traumatizing experience. It is not the only thing out there. First, you took to much for your first try at psychedelics. Obviously you have probably figured that out. If drugs use was like school, you just skipped straight to grad school. There is a lot of mental preparation that goes into a strong dose of drugs without a babysitter.

That being said, I think we all experience whatever psychological afflictions we have amplified and intensified though these drugs. I realized a common thread in all of my trips, and that is the sexual aspect. I have been sexually frustrated in my marriage recently and was thinking of stepping out on my wife. My first DMT experience put the issue square in my face, allowing me to talk with my wife about why I experienced what I did. I am still getting the sexual motif, but it is because I have not worked through the issues completely.

To analyze your trip report in an objective way, it seems that your split from your wife has been hard on you. You allude to no friends, that you separated from your wife a few months ago, and being extremely isolated in your life, as well as preferring to experience the drug alone. It seems you preferred to do it because your fear of the drama associated with having her around to judge you, not because it is how you would truly like to experience the drug. Once your wife came to your rescue you were able to relax, and your experience became positive. You were given what you needed psychologically, which was someone to connect with during the experience (and maybe what you still need in your waking life). I think that is what you should take away from the experience, the hole is a deep and dark place when you are alone, but even with someone you thought you weren't going to be comfortable with, it turned out to be at least amusing. If it were me, I would try and decide whether "I" wanted to still be separated, if not how can I fix it, how can I get the wife and kids back. How can I open up communication with my wife again and begin to heal.

My prescription is extract your bark next time so you can make a very precise measurement of your dose, brush yourself off and try again. Start smaller, in fact I think mushrooms would be a better place to start in my experience, they are much more euphoric in low doses and would probably be better for helping you sort out your demons before venturing deep into DMT space again.

Understand that the theme of your trip may very well be your problems disguised, staring you straight in the face, and the answers to fix them that you seek will be given if you ask the question the right way, and try and interpret what was shown to you.

Good luck friend. PM me if you need someone to talk to.

 

[friken]

@blahblahblah

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I think much of your analysis is correct. Especially the parts about my life and the mirror reflection of DMT showed me. It showed me my greatest fear -- to die spiritually lost and have absolutely nothing there. In that there is no hope and no redemption. But I think it was a mirror to my life struggle, not an answer to what is out there. I don't believe that was it. It gave me one thing to hold onto. THERE IS NO WAY the complexity of the geometry was just all me. There is something else to it all. It may not have shown in my first journey but it was there. I would love to spend weeks with that beauty but I lost it with the fear and panic.

 

[voyaj]

Is it typical for someone to see or feel much darkness when they are not ready to take ayahuasca or DMT? Or is it just inevitable? I have had some dark ones, once when the lightshow began almost as soon as it started it fell off the wall unfolding a black box that fit right around me as the floor to infinity was removed. Pretty much stuck in that box falling through space until ego-death.

Anyway, glad you are alright and that you had someone and the ability, eventually, to call them. These things sort of unravel with time, just think over what it means and you will figure it out. If you are trying to utilize psychedelics to open up, learn or what have you you might want to look into lower doses of psilocybin mushrooms as a good beginning point.

 

[friken]

Speaking of dose, I am split thinking the dose was not enough to fully "launch" but also think maybe it was way too high of a dose. Thoughts on dose in relation to my experience?

 

[Legit]

I figured I'd add something else to this for what it's worth.

As unenlightened and inexperienced as my opinion may be, I respect your optimism and resilience in the face of such a frightening experience. It's not every day that you see someone willing to dive into it again. Most people are shattered when they come out of such a state, unwilling to try it again, in fear of reliving their "bad trip". It's refreshing to see that you are planning to try again in the future. It's actually pretty inspiring to see, for someone like me who has no psychedelic experience.

As far as bad trips go, I don't think that they are all necessarily bad. I can't speak from experience, but it seems to me that there is something to learn from any experience, regardless of the nature of it. People may not see the lesson to be learned, or even be willing to see it, but there's always something there.

"Everything has it's beauty, but not everyone sees it." -Confucius

 

[blahblahblah]

Speaking of dose, I am split thinking the dose was not enough to fully "launch" but also think maybe it was way too high of a dose. Thoughts on dose in relation to my experience?

If you were lost in an eternal nothingness you were definitely at a high dose. You do not loose reality with low doses, you just get "the glow" of the experience and strange though patterns. The only time in my 50 times of taking mushrooms I lost touch with reality was on 14g (very large dose). Everything else makes the walls breathe and gives you though loops, but never an ego death, or loss of reality. DMT has been the same so far, sound is my grounding force. Other than that, my only breakthrough on break down the visual and somatosensory senses, but still did not take me to that place that I found previously.

I have had a couple of bad trips on mushrooms, both because of fear. One of them I accidentaly dosed the equivalent of an 1/8 of mushroom extract. I was really worried my wife was going to come home and find me tripping out. It made the experience very stressful. The other was when I went for a drive after taking some mushrooms. The driver was also tripping and after nearly driving through a guardrail into a reservoir I just wanted to go home. But, the 14g trip was so amazingingly intense and awe inspiring that it changed who I was fundamentally. I literally felt like I met "God", if you can even place such a constrictive title on what/who I experienced. I have an unshakable faith in myself and no fear of death now because of it.

I urge you to press on my friend. Just try a lower dose or another substance.

Also as legit said, you have a strong mind, the type that will do great things when given the chance. Press on my friend. ROBERT RANDOLPH - PRESS ON

 

[Jin]

very interesting trip report ,sounds quite like my first psychadelic adventure with LSD ,first times are kinda overwhelming and thats quite a dose you took , glad your fine

welcome to the Nexus

 

[friken]

The more inward reflection of my first experience I did the more I knew I needed to continue on the path. I had made two 10g brew doses and decided today to take the next journey. I had the 2nd 10g dose in the fridge the last couple days. I decided to try again at 5g dose. I heated the dose to steaming and used two egg whites to clear the liquid. Again I used rue as the maoi. I did not throw up at all this time.

This experience was very grounded. I never left. I had my wife babysit and had gentle music along for the inward work. I spent 3-4 hours just reflecting inwardly with clarity which is extremely rare for me. I will have to write a long post about the experience itself, but to sum up the take away thoughts:

My ego is very noisy
I am at odds with it and want it to shut up
The comfort, compassion, and knowing I am after can only be seen and heard with a silent mind.
My ego is part of me and I need to find balance with it
All possible trips/learning/realizations are always there, outside of time.
"It" is patient and does not judge. It will wait until the ego is quiet.

 

[blahblahblah]

Very very VERY happy to hear you tried again and had (what seems to be) a good experience.

Continued use of psychedelics will help control your ego by making you aware of it, but there is a fine line obviously. I think it is impossible to destroy your ego completely, except for short periods of time. What would be healthier from a psychological perspective is to understand why your ego is so noisy, and try and reconcile with it. In Freudian terms, the ego serves the Id, which is your primal instinct. The ego tries to get the Id what it wants though whatever means necessary. If you can understand why your Id is unhappy, you have an opportunity to lessen the ego's presence and balance the power struggle between the ego and super ego. All of this is relevant, of course, only if you believe in Freudian psychology and the concepts of id, ego, and superego.

I think the ego we talk about is more of the coping mechanism we have developed. And the opportunity presented with psychedelic exploration is such that, we are able to disconnect form this ego, and to look at it objectively, rather than experience it subjectively. This is powerful if you approach it from the standpoint of trying to analyze why it is there, and then try and reduce its presence by reducing the need for it to be there. Hopefully that makes sense. It is like the ego is a crying toddler, that learns ways to get attention for what it feels it needs. If you can find out why it is upset: why it is so noisy, like YOU are not getting enough love, you feel insecure, you are not satisfied with what and who you are at this moment (these have been my issues, not assuming they are yours), you empower yourself through this objective analysis to start satisfying your soul's true intent and desires.

There is a clip from a movie called Waking Life that I have in one of my songs that goes some thing like:

If the world that we are forced to accept is false and nothing is true, then everything is possible.

On the way to discovering what we love, we will find everything we hate, everything that blocks our path of what we desire.

The comfort will never be comfortable for those who seek what is not on the market.

A systematic questioning of the idea of happiness.

We'll cut the vocal chords of every empowered speaker. We'll yank the social symbols through the looking glass We'll devalue society's currency.

To confront the familiar.

Society is a fraud so complete and venal that it demands to be destroyed beyond the power of memory to recall its existence.

Where there is fire, we will carry gasoline.

To interrupt the continuum of everyday experience and all the normal expectations that go with it.

To live as if something actually depended on one's actions.

To rupture the spell of the ideology of the commodified consumer society so that our repressed desires of a more authentic nature can come forward.

To demonstrate the contrast between what life presently is and what it could be.

To immerse ourselves in the oblivion of actions and know we're making it happen.

There will be an intensity never before known in everyday life to exchange love and hate, life and death, terror and redemption, repulsions and attractions.

An affirmation of freedom so reckless and unqualified, that it amounts to a total denial of every kind of restraint and limitation.

Anyway, enough babbling. Very glad to hear there was clarity and good vibrations in this trip.

 

[friken]

Thanks blahblahblah for the input. I think you are right on regarding the experience reflecting the struggle inside. I have been doing a lot of inward looking and can say I have found a lot and have a lot left to sort out. I see the aya as a tool to help see what is already inside. I would guess someone with extremely good meditation skill may be able to do the same. I would be very interested to hear from anyone why has a great grasp of deep meditation and what they would get/see from an aya experience.

Again, thanks for the input.

 

[Valura]

This was a very interesting report. Sometimes we are good at hiding or avoiding our deepest fears, and psychedelics have the power to face us with all we've been hiding. This can be difficult, but I would much rather prefer it over being continually bothered by all of it for a very long time to come. You faced your deepest fear, and darkest darkness. Now what? You are free. You've been there and you made it out. Doesn't it feel great, invincible? For sure you are still integrating the experience, but if your deepest fear can't stop you then nothing can; you're unstoppable.

I am sure things will get better and easier for you now, if you stay on the path of healing, integrating and improving.

 

[friken]

You faced your deepest fear, and darkest darkness. Now what? You are free. You've been there and you made it out. Doesn't it feel great, invincible? For sure you are still integrating the experience, but if your deepest fear can't stop you then nothing can; you're unstoppable.

You are correct that the dmt showed me my hidden fears and darkness. I do feel much lighter after the experience and in that I feel very positive of the experience.

 

[Hieronymous]

That must have been a difficult experience, I've had a few bad ones and it seems to last forever while it's happening.
With a long lasting dose from a brew there is no escape if it goes bad.

I'd be tempted to smoke some DMT next time, even if it does get very intense or any negative themes arise at least you have the comfort of knowing it won't last long.

If you can experience a breakthrough once then it could help you to realise a lot the scary themes are like a transitional phase that normally passes as the trip unfolds. To me scary themes are just low vibrations that quickly fade as the frequency builds to a full breakthrough.

You seemed disappointed that you had no contact with entities, I don't know if the entities are real or not but not every DMT experience will involve contact with entities. It's great when you make contact, but it doesn't happen everytime - for me anyway.

 

[friken]

I'd be tempted to smoke some DMT next time, even if it does get very intense or any negative themes arise at least you have the comfort of knowing it won't last long.

I've considered smoking it for that exact reason. My third experience was quite a bit longer, 8-10 hours. It really was way too long imo. I was ready for it to be over in 2-3 but it lasted 20 lifetimes longer it seamed.

To me scary themes are just low vibrations that quickly fade as the frequency builds to a full breakthrough.

Interesting. That sounds in line with the few experiences I've had so far.

You seemed disappointed that you had no contact with entities, I don't know if the entities are real or not but not every DMT experience will involve contact with entities. It's great when you make contact, but it doesn't happen everytime - for me anyway.

Yes, I admit part of the reason I really wanted to try dmt/aya in the first place was reading about many amazing experiences of other entities.

Thanks for your input!

 

[friken]

I am planning a full trip report in a new post for my third and most recent mimosa tea experience. Until then, I'll post a few highlights here.

I was wondering why my first two expereinces were ~2-3 hours vs the 8 hour reports of others. Someone mentioned to try more rue and/or 3x30 min boil of rue instead of 1x30. I did both.

Third experience was w/ 6.4g Mimosa powder boiled 3x30min with no acid. Rue was 4g boiled 3x30min with no acid.

The experience was seemingly endless.... in human time it was 8-10 hours...


I was an insect in a hive mind, I learned to see through octet fractal eyes.

I was a cat and learned to purr for the first time. The rumble was the deepest request of acceptance I had ever felt.

The vines and plants had me. The grass outside my window was an infinite matrix of rebirth/destruction.

The vines and roots grew through every part of body. It broke me down, every bit of me.

I forgot how to interact with a body. Many times I became frozen in time, body wise. I would move an arm out in front and forget that it was mine. It would float there in space as just another object in the world which had no connection to me. Several times I'm pretty sure my body was stuck without movement for hours at a time.

When experiencing something intensely funny or intensely sad my face would assume the correct expression but I would quickly forget about having a face and then long periods later remember why my face was still in that position.... when I recalled I had a face.

I have never smoked DMT... but I look forward to it mainly because the comedown of my last trip was soooooooo long I felt I had lived lifetimes outside of myself and for so long felt I would never fully make it back. Toward the 5-6hour mark my frustration was so high I HAD to throw away several other doses of rue and mimosa I had brewed (I had done a 4+ serving batch). At that time I knew I would never do it again.. IF I ever even could get back to a human existence.

Odd how I can objectively look at that frustration now without the same charge to it and wish I could have not gotten frustrated and stayed in the learning embrace of it as long as it lasted.

After I thought I was back... I went outside to breath and recoup. The plants in my yard... I've never seen them glow as they glowed that night. Any plant life looked neon in a dark moonless night. Almost like infrared vision overlaid over normal vision. It was breathtakingly beautiful. A possum walked by a couple feet away from me. All I could think was 'I see you'... and it stopped for a minute looked at me as if to say 'thank you' and carried on.

 

[ymer]

Looking forward for your last report man.

 

[*oneironaut*]

I am planning a full trip report in a new post for my third and most recent mimosa tea experience. Until then, I'll post a few highlights here.

I was wondering why my first two expereinces were ~2-3 hours vs the 8 hour reports of others. Someone mentioned to try more rue and/or 3x30 min boil of rue instead of 1x30. I did both.

Third experience was w/ 6.4g Mimosa powder boiled 3x30min with no acid. Rue was 4g boiled 3x30min with no acid.

The experience was seemingly endless.... in human time it was 8-10 hours...


I was an insect in a hive mind, I learned to see through octet fractal eyes.

I was a cat and learned to purr for the first time. The rumble was the deepest request of acceptance I had ever felt.

The vines and plants had me. The grass outside my window was an infinite matrix of rebirth/destruction.

The vines and roots grew through every part of body. It broke me down, every bit of me.

I forgot how to interact with a body. Many times I became frozen in time, body wise. I would move an arm out in front and forget that it was mine. It would float there in space as just another object in the world which had no connection to me. Several times I'm pretty sure my body was stuck without movement for hours at a time.

When experiencing something intensely funny or intensely sad my face would assume the correct expression but I would quickly forget about having a face and then long periods later remember why my face was still in that position.... when I recalled I had a face.

I have never smoked DMT... but I look forward to it mainly because the comedown of my last trip was soooooooo long I felt I had lived lifetimes outside of myself and for so long felt I would never fully make it back. Toward the 5-6hour mark my frustration was so high I HAD to throw away several other doses of rue and mimosa I had brewed (I had done a 4+ serving batch). At that time I knew I would never do it again.. IF I ever even could get back to a human existence.

Odd how I can objectively look at that frustration now without the same charge to it and wish I could have not gotten frustrated and stayed in the learning embrace of it as long as it lasted.

After I thought I was back... I went outside to breath and recoup. The plants in my yard... I've never seen them glow as they glowed that night. Any plant life looked neon in a dark moonless night. Almost like infrared vision overlaid over normal vision. It was breathtakingly beautiful. A possum walked by a couple feet away from me. All I could think was 'I see you'... and it stopped for a minute looked at me as if to say 'thank you' and carried on.

All i can say is you have truly honored the spice and moreover yourself. When I read your first report, I thought "well, another one down the tubes" but you reflected, you learned from it and you came back with a vengeance. I really hope other first timers read this thread and learn from it... DMT by no means is a "fun high".. it's intense and no matter how many reports your read or what you think you know, you will NEVER be ready for what is to come. I have broken through three times now (vaped spice) and each time I go to the same fractal playroom many have spoken of, but it's NOTHING like what i had imagined and honestly I forget it minutes after i'm back and yet when i'm there the familiarity and memory of being there hits so hard its ridiculous.

I can't wait to read the full report, especially want to hear about you being a cat and learning to purr for the first time.. that's a new one.

From the bottom of my hear, congrats for sticking with it and truly using it as a tool for the life you live now, because if there's anything i have learned from D is that there is more to come and we better make the best of the time we have in this dimension.

-*O*