I'm not sure where to begin, so I'll just start at the beginning.
My whole life I was raised in a catholic household. In retrospect, I was essentially brainwashed according to the ideals of my parents; though i suppose that is what happens in the upbringing of the majority of people. I never smoked nor drank, in fact I had pretty much swore I would never take such things. I was pretty much a 'model citizen' youth. Though I believed in the christian god, when I came to the last years of K thru 12, I had pretty much lost my "relationship" with him.
After graduation from highschool, I enlisted into the U.S. Army. I've heard it said that being in the military either brings you closer to God, or further apart. Basic training pretty much ripped that 'connection' away, and substituted the army's values and beliefs. I'm not sure if I attached my self to these things because I found that my previous values and beliefs were inadequate and/or did not fit me, or if it happens like that to everyone. Regardless, there I was, fresh out of boot camp, proud to be an american soldier, felt patriotic, "gung-ho", etc.
Following that I began to smoke cigarettes, with the attitude of "Lots of things can kill me today, why worry about something killing me in 40 or 50 years." I also began drinking with my mates when we went offbase on the weekends. I had never had a sip of alcohol before, the most mind altering drug I had before this was sugar or caffeine:roll: Anyways I enjoyed being "buzzed" and drunk, and this led me to want to try other drugs and see what they were like. I have always been an extremely curious person throughout my life
I started to become depressed though. To this day I'm not sure what set it off, though some events certainly contributed (a friend back home died, found out my grandfather had cancer). But regardless of why, I became manic depressive, and started a nasty habit of DXM to escape from that reality for a while. I ended up taking it about every other night. It didn't help, instead I became suicidal. I started to self mutilate, take reckless doses of DXM, OD on my new antidepressant meds, took a whole box of caffeine pills (worst week ever, lots of puking, tachycardia, and other fun side effects). At this point I really don't think I saw a problem with my DXM use. I was hospitalized 3 or 4 times while I was in the military. In addition to the depression, I started to experience blackouts, extreme mood swings and instability, and I was highly impulsive. I was discharged from the military a few months later for "Borderline Personality Disorder"; they didn't want to deal with me anymore.
I went home to live with my parents temporarily while going to college. I was still depressed, and so I began self medicating with weed. It seemed to help alot with the mellowing me out and putting me in a generally good mood. But, I fought the law and the law won. Possession of cannabis conviction. I was put on court supervision with random drug screenings, along with fines/fee's etc. I didn't want to be in violation of that, so I quit smoking pot, and started up with DXM again. Over the next year, psychological health declined once more, more suicidal attempts (or more accurately, gestures). I was put back on psychiatric meds, and I believed I needed them.
To make this story shorter, I'll summarize. I ended up getting a DUI this January, went to outpatient drug rehabilitation and all that. I'm just finishing up the "treatment" now. Looking back, I can so obviously see that DXM is more harm then good, and can really fuck up your mind over the long term. For the large part, my neurochemistry has returned "normal", the only things I have had trouble with these days is some problems sleeping and I tend to have a short temper (never violent, just pissy, lol). I have had those problems since childhood though, so I'm doing really well in that aspect.
I believe that the "drug counseling" was valuable learning, with how to deal with stress and everyday life in general. I'm not planning on taking DXM recreationaly again, for fear that I'll end up in that same rut again. I have begun using psychedelics these past 6 months though, when I was using dxm all those times, I got the notion that there was more to everything than most of the world sees. The following cannabis usage confirmed that, and showed me a little more. On a side note, I've smoked pot recently, and I'm starting to believe that it has taught me all it can, and I daresay I don't find it desirable in a recreational sense anymore. Also, I quit smoking :d , not sure how but I just haven't had the cravings, I never thought I'd kick that habit, though I am still open to try some Rustica, perhaps I will grow one this next year.
Back to what I've been saying though;
Lately, it feels like my mind is just grasping for knowledge and trying to figure things out, but I need to squeegee my third eye clean (as the late Bill Hicks would say). I haven't had the opportunity to have a deep psychedelic experience yet, the closest I've come is with morning glory seeds and with deep meditation after taking cannabis orally. In the meantime though, I've been listening to Terrence McKenna talks (and other like him) and just taking in what they have to say, thinking about it. McKenna is probably the main influence on my desire to experience DMT, him and all of the experiences I've read on Erowid and other sites. I will hopefully be able to make some pharmahuasca in the next couple months, and experience all that is normally hidden behind a veil.
The only other thing I would like to say is I'm glad I was kicked out before I got deployed, Not because "the sandbox" sucks, but I'm not sure how I would feel about myself now if I had taken a life over there.
Feel free to comment and/or ask questions
My whole life I was raised in a catholic household. In retrospect, I was essentially brainwashed according to the ideals of my parents; though i suppose that is what happens in the upbringing of the majority of people. I never smoked nor drank, in fact I had pretty much swore I would never take such things. I was pretty much a 'model citizen' youth. Though I believed in the christian god, when I came to the last years of K thru 12, I had pretty much lost my "relationship" with him.
After graduation from highschool, I enlisted into the U.S. Army. I've heard it said that being in the military either brings you closer to God, or further apart. Basic training pretty much ripped that 'connection' away, and substituted the army's values and beliefs. I'm not sure if I attached my self to these things because I found that my previous values and beliefs were inadequate and/or did not fit me, or if it happens like that to everyone. Regardless, there I was, fresh out of boot camp, proud to be an american soldier, felt patriotic, "gung-ho", etc.
Following that I began to smoke cigarettes, with the attitude of "Lots of things can kill me today, why worry about something killing me in 40 or 50 years." I also began drinking with my mates when we went offbase on the weekends. I had never had a sip of alcohol before, the most mind altering drug I had before this was sugar or caffeine:roll: Anyways I enjoyed being "buzzed" and drunk, and this led me to want to try other drugs and see what they were like. I have always been an extremely curious person throughout my life
I started to become depressed though. To this day I'm not sure what set it off, though some events certainly contributed (a friend back home died, found out my grandfather had cancer). But regardless of why, I became manic depressive, and started a nasty habit of DXM to escape from that reality for a while. I ended up taking it about every other night. It didn't help, instead I became suicidal. I started to self mutilate, take reckless doses of DXM, OD on my new antidepressant meds, took a whole box of caffeine pills (worst week ever, lots of puking, tachycardia, and other fun side effects). At this point I really don't think I saw a problem with my DXM use. I was hospitalized 3 or 4 times while I was in the military. In addition to the depression, I started to experience blackouts, extreme mood swings and instability, and I was highly impulsive. I was discharged from the military a few months later for "Borderline Personality Disorder"; they didn't want to deal with me anymore.
I went home to live with my parents temporarily while going to college. I was still depressed, and so I began self medicating with weed. It seemed to help alot with the mellowing me out and putting me in a generally good mood. But, I fought the law and the law won. Possession of cannabis conviction. I was put on court supervision with random drug screenings, along with fines/fee's etc. I didn't want to be in violation of that, so I quit smoking pot, and started up with DXM again. Over the next year, psychological health declined once more, more suicidal attempts (or more accurately, gestures). I was put back on psychiatric meds, and I believed I needed them.
To make this story shorter, I'll summarize. I ended up getting a DUI this January, went to outpatient drug rehabilitation and all that. I'm just finishing up the "treatment" now. Looking back, I can so obviously see that DXM is more harm then good, and can really fuck up your mind over the long term. For the large part, my neurochemistry has returned "normal", the only things I have had trouble with these days is some problems sleeping and I tend to have a short temper (never violent, just pissy, lol). I have had those problems since childhood though, so I'm doing really well in that aspect.
I believe that the "drug counseling" was valuable learning, with how to deal with stress and everyday life in general. I'm not planning on taking DXM recreationaly again, for fear that I'll end up in that same rut again. I have begun using psychedelics these past 6 months though, when I was using dxm all those times, I got the notion that there was more to everything than most of the world sees. The following cannabis usage confirmed that, and showed me a little more. On a side note, I've smoked pot recently, and I'm starting to believe that it has taught me all it can, and I daresay I don't find it desirable in a recreational sense anymore. Also, I quit smoking :d , not sure how but I just haven't had the cravings, I never thought I'd kick that habit, though I am still open to try some Rustica, perhaps I will grow one this next year.
Back to what I've been saying though;
Lately, it feels like my mind is just grasping for knowledge and trying to figure things out, but I need to squeegee my third eye clean (as the late Bill Hicks would say). I haven't had the opportunity to have a deep psychedelic experience yet, the closest I've come is with morning glory seeds and with deep meditation after taking cannabis orally. In the meantime though, I've been listening to Terrence McKenna talks (and other like him) and just taking in what they have to say, thinking about it. McKenna is probably the main influence on my desire to experience DMT, him and all of the experiences I've read on Erowid and other sites. I will hopefully be able to make some pharmahuasca in the next couple months, and experience all that is normally hidden behind a veil.
The only other thing I would like to say is I'm glad I was kicked out before I got deployed, Not because "the sandbox" sucks, but I'm not sure how I would feel about myself now if I had taken a life over there.
Feel free to comment and/or ask questions
