I owe a debt of gratitude.
Will shoot to be concise because I already feel a little odd having shared so much already (I considered just sending this in a PM to a few people, but considered that may be a depressive response and action, so I'm taking the risk posting publicly.)
In the past year, I have shared a fair amount with regard to my precarious mental health (severe persistent depression with major depressive episodes (double-depression), reverse seasonal affective disorder, the attached general anxiety, and sensory processing sensitivity) and how it effects me (extreme difficulties in doing things I'd like (psychedelics, music making, writing, sometimes learning, and working out for a hot minute), neuroticism (incessant worrying, I'm always anxious, etc), mental blocks, and issues with fatigue, concentration, memory, mood, intrusive and obsessive thinking and thoughts, consistent discontent, indecision, overdone self-criticism, blah blah blah), sometimes to debilitating degrees.
It's hindered me for a long time. Most of my life, being untreated until my 20's. And it may be something that I'll always have to manage.
Depression hijacks my thinking, all the time, in different ways and degrees, and those can change over time.
A few things have occurred that have me feeling anew. First, the re-realization of the high degree and severity of my depression, it's level of rarity, and how it's generally not going to be understood by many. My understanding is what is imperative and important. Second, most of my thinking is neurotic and/or depressive. It's hard to admit, but it makes so many more things make sense in my experience. Third, I tend to be overly considerate to details and perspectives and perceptions in most regards on most matters, and this has made me value my own positions less (and in turn, lead to my being overwhelmed by my own awareness). Fourth, I need to truly and fully accept myself as I am, where I am.
Naturally, I'm going to focus on the psychedelic impact even though this is obviously something the penetrates every aspect of my life. I am accepting and withholding judgment around not feeling as courageous and confident diving into psychedelic experiences. I used to eat 7g of mushrooms any time I'd eat them a decade ago, partly out of naivete, but nevertheless, without being so worked up and anxious around the experience before it started. And I value and find so many gems in the deep depths of psychedelic experiences. Over time, my sensitivity has increased, so there's nothing wrong with hitting the restart button in some ways, such as finding my new “7g” as a lowering in dosage. It doesn't make me weak, a coward, etc. Just means I have some stuff to work through. I am where I am. I am that I am. Soham. It also means that I can allow myself comfort in going for it more often. To be candid I'm on a small amount of mushrooms and rue tea as I write this. It's nice. I can stop questioning myself and my motivations and intentions that I have worked on generating very hard. It's okay to smoalk some changa because I'm “feeling” it. It's not like the approach will be devoid of due reverence and respect. It's built in at this point. I can stop worrying. Regardless, it's always a study in consciousness and being. And it's not like I'm neglecting any of my responsibilities.
Now, while I want this to help people, I'm sharing this more to say thank you. A lot of you have been very candid, open, honest, and receptive in interacting with me when I share vulnerability. It would've been easy to tear apart anything that I said. Instead, I was hit with support, empathy, advice, and encouragement. It's helped my healing. As I heal myself more, I can be of better service to others. So thank you all.
My cognition and memory seem to be improving. I'm able to maintain a more balanced mood more often. My productivity has risen. I'm feeling good being back in the gym more, and eating more and better (it's easier when able to actually enjoy eating; it's often a chore). My work performance has improved. My relationships are becoming stronger. I'm feeling more comfortable with and in myself.
It's a precarious time of year because, as I've shared, I have reverse seasonal affective disorder, so my depression worsens this time of year (already been rocked pretty hard). A good time for more medicine work
One love
Will shoot to be concise because I already feel a little odd having shared so much already (I considered just sending this in a PM to a few people, but considered that may be a depressive response and action, so I'm taking the risk posting publicly.)
In the past year, I have shared a fair amount with regard to my precarious mental health (severe persistent depression with major depressive episodes (double-depression), reverse seasonal affective disorder, the attached general anxiety, and sensory processing sensitivity) and how it effects me (extreme difficulties in doing things I'd like (psychedelics, music making, writing, sometimes learning, and working out for a hot minute), neuroticism (incessant worrying, I'm always anxious, etc), mental blocks, and issues with fatigue, concentration, memory, mood, intrusive and obsessive thinking and thoughts, consistent discontent, indecision, overdone self-criticism, blah blah blah), sometimes to debilitating degrees.
It's hindered me for a long time. Most of my life, being untreated until my 20's. And it may be something that I'll always have to manage.
Depression hijacks my thinking, all the time, in different ways and degrees, and those can change over time.
A few things have occurred that have me feeling anew. First, the re-realization of the high degree and severity of my depression, it's level of rarity, and how it's generally not going to be understood by many. My understanding is what is imperative and important. Second, most of my thinking is neurotic and/or depressive. It's hard to admit, but it makes so many more things make sense in my experience. Third, I tend to be overly considerate to details and perspectives and perceptions in most regards on most matters, and this has made me value my own positions less (and in turn, lead to my being overwhelmed by my own awareness). Fourth, I need to truly and fully accept myself as I am, where I am.
Naturally, I'm going to focus on the psychedelic impact even though this is obviously something the penetrates every aspect of my life. I am accepting and withholding judgment around not feeling as courageous and confident diving into psychedelic experiences. I used to eat 7g of mushrooms any time I'd eat them a decade ago, partly out of naivete, but nevertheless, without being so worked up and anxious around the experience before it started. And I value and find so many gems in the deep depths of psychedelic experiences. Over time, my sensitivity has increased, so there's nothing wrong with hitting the restart button in some ways, such as finding my new “7g” as a lowering in dosage. It doesn't make me weak, a coward, etc. Just means I have some stuff to work through. I am where I am. I am that I am. Soham. It also means that I can allow myself comfort in going for it more often. To be candid I'm on a small amount of mushrooms and rue tea as I write this. It's nice. I can stop questioning myself and my motivations and intentions that I have worked on generating very hard. It's okay to smoalk some changa because I'm “feeling” it. It's not like the approach will be devoid of due reverence and respect. It's built in at this point. I can stop worrying. Regardless, it's always a study in consciousness and being. And it's not like I'm neglecting any of my responsibilities.
Now, while I want this to help people, I'm sharing this more to say thank you. A lot of you have been very candid, open, honest, and receptive in interacting with me when I share vulnerability. It would've been easy to tear apart anything that I said. Instead, I was hit with support, empathy, advice, and encouragement. It's helped my healing. As I heal myself more, I can be of better service to others. So thank you all.
My cognition and memory seem to be improving. I'm able to maintain a more balanced mood more often. My productivity has risen. I'm feeling good being back in the gym more, and eating more and better (it's easier when able to actually enjoy eating; it's often a chore). My work performance has improved. My relationships are becoming stronger. I'm feeling more comfortable with and in myself.
It's a precarious time of year because, as I've shared, I have reverse seasonal affective disorder, so my depression worsens this time of year (already been rocked pretty hard). A good time for more medicine work
One love
)
