Absolute utter horror :(

[zknarc]

This experience was from start to finish was excruciating horror beyond anything I could ever imagine and I am staggered that my psyche still remains intact after this ordeal.

Details
I have had two very solid breakthrough experiences with pharma, the heaviest lasting 4hrs (around 2hrs spent in breakthrough hyperspace, ego death etc). After these I had no intention of going that far again and have been happy at sub-breakthrough doses.

Previously I have just washed down the freebase however this time I took 200mg freebase dissolved in vinegar with my usual 300mg moclobamide MAOI. I’d been easily sub-breakthrough at 170mg before so was not expecting anything too heavy.

Experience
After swallowing it down it hit me like a brick wall within just 30 seconds and I was yanked straight though to just whiteout but I was filled with the most excruciating horror. It was almost instant ego death; forgetting who I was, what I was, that I existed. I find it hard to describe the way I still had thoughts without words or images, I didn’t remember colour, and all I knew was blinding nothingness. It was like a million lifetimes and fears were being compressed into a singularity and I kept feeling myself being pulled into this void. I was so far beyond death dying or even anything existing seemed utterly trivial. It is like I had been brought far beyond death; that I should have died long before this ‘depth’ but hadn’t.

The worst part was that there were no relationships between anything because there was no longer anything so there could be no reality. My brain was unable to comprehend and function since there was no references between anything because there wasn’t anything. The only recollection I really have is a sense of absolute hellish anguish that being in this hellscape outside of time just cannot happen to me.

As anyone who has had DMT breakthrough experiences knows there is just no cognitive rationalising is possible and there is only forced surrender to the uncontrollable.

At some point something triggered some minute feeling of familiarity or recall. In tiny fragments I started piecing abstract things together and finally bits of reality and myself back, it took huge effort to do so. I was very worried I would forget myself so I couldn’t come back as me or never actually get back as I kept being sucked back down into thought loop ‘whirlpools’ then re-finding the moment I noticed a connection/familiarity and be present again.

As soon as I had some handle on things I took 50mg Seroquel to try and knock the rest of it on the head and get back to normality as soon as I could. I’m not sure of the total duration, maybe 2hrs.

Retrospective
What was so odd to me was that as soon as I was aware of my physical body my heart rate was totally calm, I wasn’t sweating, agitated or even tired. Afterwards and the next day I felt totally fine. It happened so fast and was so far away from any connection to reality I just have no real emotional reaction to it at all.

I’m guessing the freebase is quite tough to absorb so the onset is slower, duration longer and peak isn’t as intense while the acetate is absorbed very readily which is what caused the ‘overdose’. I should have thought more about this and paid the price, be careful friends.

 

[Handel]

I'm sorry for the bad trip, I hope you overcome it soon. What you experienced was the "void". This is what truly exists: nothing, with a lot of potential. Being shown the void is an experience that should be cherished, because it unveils to you the bare truth of "reality". I'd go as far as to say that it was your ego who rejected the void (because the ego requires "something" rather than "nothing" in order to exist and be relevant), and consequently made this trip a hell for you. What you conceived as a bad trip, for experienced meditators, who have largely silenced their ego, is majestic peace.

 

[lsDxMdmaddicThc]

I'm sorry for the bad trip, I hope you overcome it soon. What you experienced was the "void". This is what truly exists: nothing, with a lot of potential. Being shown the void is an experience that should be cherished, because it unveils to you the bare truth of "reality". I'd go as far as to say that it was your ego who rejected the void (because the ego requires "something" rather than "nothing" in order to exist and be relevant), and consequently made this trip a hell for you. What you conceived as a bad trip, for experienced meditators, who have largely silenced their ego, is majestic peace.

I love this take on it.

 

[DmnStr8]

I can relate to your hellish journey. Part of me thinks that is exactly what I needed at the time. I needed to be humbled. I needed to feel the terror and know what an infinity of nothingness was. It felt like I was there for a thousand years. I was lost in the blackness. It was lonely there. It was empty. No love. Just awareness. Perhaps this 'void' is what motivated the creator to create. It wanted to not be lonely. It wanted experiences. It wanted love.

The base of existence is nothingness. It started there. We can choose to start from there too. Creating something new. Creating love if we choose. Creating fear if we choose. The nothingness is something too.

 

[zknarc]

I feel quite fortunate that I have managed to make it out of this unscathed and not even traumatised at all. It is almost eerie how it seems to have had no residual effect on me.

If we chose to explore with things like DMT we should also expect to get our fingers burned sometimes as it comes with the territory but I will not excuse myself from the oversight I made.

I'm sorry for the bad trip, I hope you overcome it soon. What you experienced was the "void". This is what truly exists: nothing, with a lot of potential. Being shown the void is an experience that should be cherished, because it unveils to you the bare truth of "reality". I'd go as far as to say that it was your ego who rejected the void (because the ego requires "something" rather than "nothing" in order to exist and be relevant), and consequently made this trip a hell for you. What you conceived as a bad trip, for experienced meditators, who have largely silenced their ego, is majestic peace.

Thank you for this interesting perspective. It is easy for me to dismiss this as some horrific hell-space when really that was just my reaction to it. Perception is built up on something being relative to another, relationships between different things and when confronted with absolute it was impossible for my mind to cope. It is like my mind and body’s ‘safety valve’ of dying was bypassed and I gone beyond it; as an experience for me I can only describe it like being permanently suspended in the instant of knowing I would be consumed and digested.

Having had the feeling reality as just a faint echo and losing all sense of myself as living in my two breakthrough experiences I felt that now I really knew what it was to be human and that while a living human to remain in my reality and embrace my human-ness. My ‘therapeutic dose’ has been sub-breakthrough where DMT somehow gives me amazing clarity of thought while dissolving almost everything else but while still keeping me in recognisable reality.

 

[friken]

Thanks for sharing your experience. When I read about other's 'void' trips it reminds me of my first ever trip.... several eternities in the void. I too was terrified... egoless... nothingness... uncaring void. The journey was rough for sure. But oddly days/weeks after that first journey when integrating the experience I had the distinct feeling that the 'void' was not to be feared and had an overwhelming familiarity to it. I processed it as a place my egoless self has been countless times before and will return again when I am ready. A place that is needed to 'let go' of self and ego and heal from the attachments of incarnation.

I recall writing up my first aya journey.... looking back it was a silly mistake that lead to my first ever psychedelic being a massive dose of ayahuasca and the void. I'm fortunate to have had that experience and I hope as you process and integrate your experience you also find appreciation for having stepped outside of ego far enough to touch egoless existence.

My void trip if you care to compare notes: A Journey of Fear - First steps in Hyperspace - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus

 

[zknarc]

Thanks for sharing your experience. When I read about other's 'void' trips it reminds me of my first ever trip.... several eternities in the void. I too was terrified... egoless... nothingness... uncaring void. The journey was rough for sure. But oddly days/weeks after that first journey when integrating the experience I had the distinct feeling that the 'void' was not to be feared and had an overwhelming familiarity to it. I processed it as a place my egoless self has been countless times before and will return again when I am ready. A place that is needed to 'let go' of self and ego and heal from the attachments of incarnation.

I recall writing up my first aya journey.... looking back it was a silly mistake that lead to my first ever psychedelic being a massive dose of ayahuasca and the void. I'm fortunate to have had that experience and I hope as you process and integrate your experience you also find appreciation for having stepped outside of ego far enough to touch egoless existence.

My void trip if you care to compare notes: A Journey of Fear - First steps in Hyperspace - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus

I enjoyed reading your report. I certainly related to the ‘come-back’ very slowly piecing together a sense of existing and then reality *shudder*. This is why I keep seroquel on hand to get back quicker if I really have to. Interesting that it seems the ‘void’ can be whiteout or total darkness.

My previous ego death experience though heavy, the actual moment of it was ok: I just realised I no longer existed and somehow I didn’t care as I was hopelessly overpowered and because there was no me left to feel anything. This time I felt like I’d gone beyond the point where this was meant to happen or at least trapped in the process of it. Maybe going 0 to void in seconds rather than slowly going through the process of breaking through and divisions between everything slowly breaking down was just too much and caused mental panic.

 

[nexalizer]

I'm sorry for the bad trip, I hope you overcome it soon. What you experienced was the "void". This is what truly exists: nothing, with a lot of potential. Being shown the void is an experience that should be cherished, because it unveils to you the bare truth of "reality". I'd go as far as to say that it was your ego who rejected the void (because the ego requires "something" rather than "nothing" in order to exist and be relevant), and consequently made this trip a hell for you. What you conceived as a bad trip, for experienced meditators, who have largely silenced their ego, is majestic peace.

I love this take on it.

Agreed, beautiful.

 

[null24]

I'm sorry for the bad trip, I hope you overcome it soon. What you experienced was the "void". This is what truly exists: nothing, with a lot of potential. Being shown the void is an experience that should be cherished, because it unveils to you the bare truth of "reality". I'd go as far as to say that it was your ego who rejected the void (because the ego requires "something" rather than "nothing" in order to exist and be relevant), and consequently made this trip a hell for you. What you conceived as a bad trip, for experienced meditators, who have largely silenced their ego, is majestic peace.

Beautifully said. These compounds have the ability to catapult us to these states of being that dot practicers of meditation techniques are hard won and achieved through years of dedicated training. There is something be said of preparation, something i has done little of but am very grateful for the knowledge i did have when i was pulled into the void.

<------->

OP , you've stated several times that you are surprised at your lack of residual emotional response to this trip, i wonder if the taking of seroquel could have something to do with the long term processing on a chemical level that manifests as this lack of impact. That is very esoteric and a postulation coming from complete ignorance of the psychopharmacology of that drug, but seems in character with it.

Peace to you.

 

[zknarc]

OP , you've stated several times that you are surprised at your lack of residual emotional response to this trip, i wonder if the taking of seroquel could have something to do with the long term processing on a chemical level that manifests as this lack of impact. That is very esoteric and a postulation coming from complete ignorance of the psychopharmacology of that drug, but seems in character with it.

It’s possible though despite what people say about it being ‘trip-stopping’ I’ve found it only really kills the visuals rather than the headspace (at least in these doses). When I trailed it as an off label medication for depression it did nothing at all except be great at sending me to sleep! Other will be far more knowledgable than me about it though.

In general I have found breakthrough DMT experiences odd to deal with as my mind struggles because the experience beyond breakthrough has no link at all into normal reality. This one came on so fast and violently with no ‘journey’ at all the whole thing seems totally surreal in a ‘did that even happen?’ way.

I’m realising I get more out of retaining ties to reality and retaining the ability to reflect rather than being ripped from it entirely and pulled somewhere else. I feel like breakthrough and ego death is good to have experienced at some point but having experienced it a few times it isn’t something I feel the need to do again.