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[SmokingMirrorsEdge]

Hello...

Let's see... where to begin.

I am a mid-30s female, married mother of a toddler with a genetic disability.
I am relatively inexperienced with drugs in general. I have never done anything more "exotic" than MJ (although that's a story in itself... past a certain dose, MJ is definitely a hallucinogen of sorts for me! My first experience with that scared the crap out of me - I was convinced that if I stopped thinking even for a second, then I, the universe, and everything in it would stop existing - though it doesn't really bother me anymore even if I do get that high.)
I have been suffering from chronic and occasionally severe (suicidal) depression for most of my life. It is a puzzle to me as I remember having a relatively happy childhood and supportive parents.
Currently, I am not "properly medicated" by a physician for this condition, and have not been for several years now, so my system is certainly clean from those drugs. I have been on SSRIs, SNRIs and NRIs in the past and typically even when they work, I get undesirable side effects of various types that always wind up stopping me taking them.

Since weaning our baby, the only thing I use to combat the depression is a tiny amount of legal MMJ that I actually had gotten to control my neck pain. When I say tiny I mean TINY (less than a pinch... an eighth of an ounce lasts me for a couple of months... I seem to be an EXTREME lightweight when it comes to MMJ), and when I say periodically I mean once before bed every few days or so, on average, though I might have to use for a few nights running if it's been bad. I noticed it also has the nice side effect of actually stopping the runaway train of bad thoughts, which has been very useful and kept me from suicide on a couple of occasions that my husband does not know about.

Mostly I am interested in Aya in hope that it can help rid me of this demon for good. I am so tired of feeling the way I do. I don't really want to kill myself but it's exhausting to feel like a waste of humanity all the time. I've been interested in Aya for this purpose for years, even to the point that I actually got the vine and leaves for a traditional mixture, but due to various factors (including falling pregnant) I was unable to go through with it. I wound up making the brew for my husband, who took it recreationally early this year. He is not a spiritual person and the mixture did not change that for him. I, on the other hand, am. I prefer "disorganized spirituality" to organized religion (although I was raised by a religious family) and I know - KNOW - that there are spirits and Higher Powers.

Now that our schedules are less hectic, I am interested in FINALLY trying it for myself. I have a fresh supply of vine and fresh leaves are also on the way.


If anyone else has used Aya to help them combat depression or other mental conditions, I would like to hear from you... I want to LIVE again... it's been so long I don't really remember what it was like to NOT be depressed to the point of wanting to die, or having my emotions being chemically messed with. I'm so tired of being like this. I would also love to talk about what my husband told me about his experience, and also what he actually DID as it was initially coming on, as I'm curious if it's typical of most experiences and I did not like what I saw. (I was aware and made him aware that there would be a purge. However, I was NOT prepared to be verbally abused and insulted during the affair! Will I do that too when he has to sit for me? I think it would ruin the whole experience if I did... he certainly ruined my day the day I sat for him. I couldn't even bring myself to even MENTION let alone cuss out our midwife when in the throes of natural childbirth because her nails were too long and were hurting me when she was feeling for the baby's head, so I'm not sure if it's even in me to do that... but still....)

Thank you

 

[Mustelid]

I can't tell you that you should do ayahuasca or not, that's between you and ayahuasca, but I'm sorry to hear you have problems with depression.

I'm glad you mentioned that you don't have any antidepressants in your system before considering aya. It's good that it becomes very known that the combination of aya and antidepressants is very dangerous.

Maybe you can get councelling, I had a lot of terrible ones, but have a good one now. Mindfullness medititation is fantastic for stopping runaway thoughts, you can look that up online too, there are a lot of good free resources.

 

[SmokingMirrorsEdge]

Honestly, it is more a case of "I'm going to do it and I know it, and am preparing, but I'm wondering what I might expect". It is a question of when and how, not if.

Neither my husband nor I ever do anything potentially life-altering without significant research. He followed a very strict minimal-tyramine diet for 3 full days before imbibing, plus a full 24 hours after - we were probably overly careful, but did not regret the caution. I will probably do the same.

I wish I could have the help of an experienced aya healer but unfortunately that's out of the question - I wouldn't know who to approach or how, and I cannot travel. I'm going to have to hope that I can get through this by myself in one piece. But... confronting the darkness within... I feel like I've been living there, either deep in the darkness or in the twilight at best, for years already. I suppose I can easily be wrong and there are other horrors that my mind hasn't inflicted me with yet, but really, I don't see how much harm it could do, even if it somehow broke me completely. I honestly don't see myself lasting more than a couple more years anyway, if things continue as they are - I'm getting very near to the end of my rope, so in some ways, this is a last resort, do-or-die thing. A lot of people don't think of depression as a real disease. I like to liken chronic depression to an inoperable, invisible cancer. Sometimes you can put it in remission for a while, but it's always there, unless you can "remove" it somehow. Left unchecked and at its worst, it grows, consumes your energy, eats you alive from the inside out and destroys any last pieces of self worth or happiness you ever had until you don't even recognize yourself in your old photos from "before" anymore. To continue the analogy, I am hoping that Aya can be the chemo, even if the experience of having it is absolutely horrible from the purge onward (... rather like real chemo is horrible, actually, so it's not a bad analogy, even if they're doing opposite things in actual function... purging toxins and negativity and dealing directly with the issue in the mind and spirit, vs trying to strategically poison the patient's entire physical body in hope that the cancer will wither and die without killing the patient).

I wish I could trust a counselor enough to be able to be honest with them, but I've had too much go down to ever do that, now. I had a previous experience with a counselor in a position of trust that betrayed it. One of the FEW times I ever asked for help from an outside party - at the NICU, I wanted advice to cope with my newborn daughter's condition, as I loved (and still love!) her dearly but had no idea how to face her diagnosis - and in return I was forcibly separated from my family and had all but my last shreds of human dignity stolen away, for many hours - no one in my family even knew where I was, the hospital would not tell them, and I was denied the ability to tell them. No, I'm not risking that ever again. Never. I will never be able to see a counselor as anything but a liar, a fake, a coward who hears but does not actually listen and happily leads you on, whose first priority in meeting with you is always to cover their own ass, without ever owning up to their mistakes... and so I will never be able to tell them the truth, which means that even if they truly did mean well... they can't help me. Trying to deal with this sort of thing with a counselor, but without full trust and honesty, is a laughable idea.

If there is any help for me, I firmly believe that it will have to come from within... because I can't trust anyone else anymore, so far as the "Western" approach goes.

Honestly I have tried such meditation in the past, but I will look into it again... while the MMJ is helpful as a stop-gap measure (and for my pain) it might be especially helpful to use meditation if I have difficulties during the abstinence period prior to taking the aya... thank you for that reminder.

 

[Mz.Gypzy]

Hi SmokingMirrorsEdge and welcome to the Nexus.

"I'm going to do it and I know it, and am preparing, but I'm wondering what I might expect"

Seems you have made up your mind to use Ayahuasca.

Will it help you? Maybe. Maybe not.

Its not a cure all, but it can be used as a tool.
Viewing it as a tool instead of a cure might be your best bet to work with it.

I suggest you start with Vine only brews in low doses to see how it effects you.
Then work your way up.
Vine only brews can be very introspective and healing in themselves.
When your comfortable with that, then start adding the DMT containing plants.

This way you have a better idea as to what to expect.
There is no way for someone to tell you what to expect and the experience can be different for every individual, even from experience to experience.

By working your way up slowly, you have a better chance of learning what to expect for yourself.

If your main goal is to heal yourself from your depression it might be wise to use other tactics as well.
Meditation, Yoga, acupuncture, Reiki, Art therapy, diet, time in nature, talk therapy. Etc.

Sometimes you can put it in remission for a while, but it's always there, unless you can "remove" it somehow.

A combination of of these will be more powerful then just Ayahuasca alone. And will help you with the integration of the lessons learned and the tramas healed and hopefully make the changes more permanent.


Most people that choose to explore Ayahuasca don't have the option of going to traditional healer or shaman.
We have to blaze the trail ourselves for ourselves.
The nexus is full of these people.
Stay here, learn from the mistakes and the triumphs.

Suicide is never the answer, if you ever feel the need to take it the route, reach out for help.


I wanted to ask a personal question, you don't have to answer if you don't want.

What kind of genetic disability does your daughter have?

Though I don't have any children of my own, my niece who I am very close with has a daughter with Trisonomy 18.

I've come to understand the struggle and hardships that can come with that.

 

[SmokingMirrorsEdge]

Hi, just wanted to post an update.

After Thanksgiving things got really bad and my doctor tried to put me on medications again. We tried 3 different ones and the only one that really had much benefit would have cost us over $150 a month even with our insurance (yikes!) So that was a no-go. The others drove me crazy for other reasons... one of them had my skin crawling with a constant itching sensation, and the other made my hearing so oversensitive that I couldn't sleep, even with earplugs in (the sound of my own breathing and heartbeat was deafening.) Halfway through December I said **** it, I was completely done, and went back off of everything so I could at least get enough sleep to survive our long road trip to Florida (a 4 day drive for us) because I had to do half the driving and sleep-deprived driving is risky even at the best of times.

So I kind of hung in there til January. I had my (first?) experience last week (friday) with full-blown Aya... t'was about 25g each of leaf and vine, condensed into a little over a shot in volume (I actually brewed twice that amount and saved the other half in case of premature purging). I carefully managed temperature during the steeping and reducing phases, tried to be extremely careful about the whole thing and never let either part go over 180 degrees... was going to use it 2 weeks ago but didn't feel right at the time, so tried it last week... and was rewarded quite nicely.

I'd been suffering a lot of sleep deprivation prior to it, due to other anxieties, so I don't remember a lot of it, because I know I feel asleep/lost consciousness at several points.
But it was a very good, reassuring, not-scary experience overall, and apparently very different from what my husband experienced.

Took it around 7:15pm in our bedroom lit only by candles/oil lamps (fully dark outside.. a necessity as our room has skylights)... first vine then leaf.
A vague sort of disorientation followed shortly after. I recognize the feeling, it was kind of like the disorientation I get when getting a little "too" high (although I wasn't high - have been sober from that for a couple weeks - so that wasn't part of it at all, it was strange having that feeling without the other symptoms of "being high").
I had nausea about half an hour later and waited for the purge, but it didn't come then, so I went back to the bed. The purge didn't actually happen until about 11pm and I was certainly having visual/auditory experiences prior to that (and when the purge came, it wasn't bad. Two quick chucks and then it was over.) Not visuals like I've heard of on LSD or anything. Subtle ones. Our bedspread has a very subtle texture pattern on it that makes straight parallel lines, and I saw a completely different criss-crossing pattern that was... alive. The bedroom was thick with "spiderwebs" of gold and silver light that hung in the air and connected everything in the room. Subtle auras of both darkness and light around objects. That sort of thing. I couldn't see anything at all if I closed my eyes, just normal "back of your eyelids" darkness.

I did hear feel a presence from early in the experience, and heard it/them speak, but it was a polyvoice, if that makes sense. Multiple voices speaking in unison as if one mind controlled them.

I asked it if I was supposed to tell it what I needed, and it said no, it already knew and was glad to help me, so it was just going to pick at my brain for a while. It told me not to worry, it had everything under control and I might see some strange things (if they got too uncomfortable I should let it know, and it would change the imagery). It told me to sit back, relax, and above all else, remember that no matter what I might see, everything is okay and I'm perfectly safe.

And there was and has been an overwhelming sense of love and reassurance that has followed me for several days.

It is not perfect, I figured that several treatments at least would be required and the voice(s) told me as much before it had to go, that there was too much damage to take care of in a single session, but I should feel better for a while, and I have.

So... very interesting.

 

[pitubo]

Hey, good for you that you did this! It may take a few sessions to get to know the medicine, just take it easy. The positive afterglow can last for a long time.

Don't worry about ever having a "difficult" experience. Coming out of such an experience can also be very rewarding and healing, even more so than a fun trip.

I have found myself that if you can break through all of the expectations that we wrap our lives in, if you can enjoy the simple experience of breathing, looking, feeling, being, then there is nothing left to feed the depression.

Best of luck with your journeys!

 

[downwardsfromzero]

Also, try some of the Icaros on youtube, for example.