Quetzal7
Esteemed member
Amanita, the Owl and the Death of my child.
It all started 1 year before, with that journey 12g Amanita Equinox Report - Experience reports - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus
In the spring, my wife went to vipassana, and while meditating, she realized she was pregnant. On the way back from vipassana, she found a dead white owl on the side of the road, undamaged, and brought it with her; at home, she made a pregnancy test, confirming that our 3rd child is on the way.
Beginning of september, me and 3 friends make an Amanita ceremony. I learn my lesson, and we use an homogenous batch of crush amanita, that i previsouly tried.
We take 25g each, simmered.
After 1-2h , a wonderful feeling of perfect peace, deep serenity flood the room ; we are all lying down and gently relax into this confortable “Void” ; yet the periphery of the experience seems extremely busy, with fast moving thoughts and energy ; i get quite some deep message and realization from it, leading me to a deeper Faith in this universe. It's truly regenerating and inspiring journey. 25g was a perfect dose – the first time i find a sweet spot! (DISCLAIMER !! these are rather weak amanita, and were tested at much lower dosage! DON'T TAKE THAT DOSAGE AS A RECOMENDATION!!!)
All 4 of us are absolutly delighted and safisfied, making us in good mood for many days after... and leaving a mysterious magical feeling ...
On the 18th of september my wife give birth to our son at home. It was an elegant , easy birth, ; so fast that it was just me, her, and our daugher being present, who really wanted to witness it. Quickly after the birth, we realized the breathing of the child was weak, and his body was turning blue.
This was the most stressful moment of my life, rushing to the hospital with our son in beetween life and death.
The hospital was a challenging experience, the child being ripped away from the mother and placenta, and taken away. 6 hours after, we finally get news. Zephyr is in an incubator and he survived. The mother will stay on site in a room and spend time with him as much as possible.
I go home, take care of my 2 other kids.
The following week is an absolute psychological distress :
Our child has obviously some kind of issue, but they don't know what it is. He had seizure arriving in the hospital. He could be paralized for the rest of his life. Or just slightly handicaped. Or fully recover. Or die.
How to find acceptation without knowing what to accept?
Everyday I go to the hospital. I go look at Zephyr. Sometime, he opens one eye. One eye only.
Somehow, the Amanita is there. There's a silent peace, behind the beep beep of the machines...
At home, I feel like the father in “life is beautiful” ; playing with the kids, keeping their joy alive as their mother is away.
The most painful is not my pain, but the pain of my daughter, 8 years old, so pure hearted and so heart broken, as she loves her new brother already more than anything. It's not fair to brake the heart of a 8 years old.
Then, the night comes, and thoughts are like vultures swooping down, voracious, tireless , shredding me endlessly. Sleep is impossible.
What if he is parallelize? What if he needs respiratory assistance forever? We are in a catholic country, there's a statue of Jesus at every floor.... Euthanasia is not a thing.
And down the rabbit hole … what is the value of our technological power, if it perpetuate suffering?
And what if his soul was suppose to leave, and he is trapped by the machine?
That night, I dream with the divine Quetzalcoatl, the flying serpent ; He says I will be the one helping Zephyr transcend. I will kill him, and free him from this vehicle.
I wake up, and wonder how the fuck i'm gonna do that... for god sake. what's going on.
I give a call to the only “shaman” I know. He tells me Souls are above physical constrain, they won't be tamed or controled by machines. It's mean to be, and if a soul want to leave, nothing can stop it.
I get that. Especially a young being with virtually no attachment here.
The days pass, the kid is doing better. They put him off the respirator!!!
I visit with my family.
Zephyr open an eye; we sing him songs. At that moment, he stops breathing, all the machine go in the red. The nurses rushes, to bring him back to life ; we are force out of the room ;
Through his eye, I saw him leave this existence, his soul ascending. Without the nurse and the machine, he would have already left.
He did the same when his grandmother came to visit.
Finally, after 8 days, he got transfered to a more advance hospital , to make some tests.
I came to visit the next day.
Zephyr had only half a heart, and wasn't able to bring enough blood to the lungs to survive on his own. We speak with the doctor. To my absolute surprise, he accepts, on the moment, to pull the plug. Countless time i dreamed in terror of how would i do, if the time come, to help him out of here– but when the moment came it was an act of love, and my hand, in a sacred act, removed his mask.
Will follow the longest 12h of my life.
There was no privacy, no space, no support in that process. The Health Institution has only one snake as a symbol ; the snake of life. They do not deal with Death. They do not have one room for dying, only a thousand room for “healing”. People are passing by, chatting , laughing. It's very hard.
After insisting, they find us a slightly better spot, in a corner. Night falls. Nurses leave, silence comes.
The ocean became a silvery mirror, and we drifted slowly off shore for the next many hours. Numerous times he stepped into the doorstep of the infinite, holding his breath still. He would then open one eye – an eye gazing at all there is, with the serenity of a buddha. This last day on earth was the essence of peace. The silence made louder than any sound. The meditation effortlessly ankering us into deeper presence, Amanita guiding me at each breath, entering a deeper and deeper trance, further into the bardo, as far as I can go. I cry, and there's no pain, no suffering. Silent tears of pure equanimity. And on his 9th days on earth, he gracefully merged with all there is, in the arms of his mother, like in a dream.
The night after, I dreamed. It was him speaking, and he was Amanita ; he was the void ; he was wisdom. At posteriori, I realized I never met him as human soul. He was and remain as invisible as the wind. He told me to mix his ashes with his mother milk and brew it with Amanita. And showed me a very specific spot in the forest, in the mountain.
And so he was cremated.
As the cremation took some hours, my family went to a park outside of the city to have a picnic.
Just before arriving, I hit the break, come out of the car, and find...
A dead white owl.
A couple days later, I did the ceremony with the ashes, the mother's milk and the amanita.
And some weeks after, I revisited that forest. On the place of the offering, there was an amanita, in all way similar to Muscaria, but white, immaculate. I never saw that ever again.
It all started 1 year before, with that journey 12g Amanita Equinox Report - Experience reports - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus
In the spring, my wife went to vipassana, and while meditating, she realized she was pregnant. On the way back from vipassana, she found a dead white owl on the side of the road, undamaged, and brought it with her; at home, she made a pregnancy test, confirming that our 3rd child is on the way.
Beginning of september, me and 3 friends make an Amanita ceremony. I learn my lesson, and we use an homogenous batch of crush amanita, that i previsouly tried.
We take 25g each, simmered.
After 1-2h , a wonderful feeling of perfect peace, deep serenity flood the room ; we are all lying down and gently relax into this confortable “Void” ; yet the periphery of the experience seems extremely busy, with fast moving thoughts and energy ; i get quite some deep message and realization from it, leading me to a deeper Faith in this universe. It's truly regenerating and inspiring journey. 25g was a perfect dose – the first time i find a sweet spot! (DISCLAIMER !! these are rather weak amanita, and were tested at much lower dosage! DON'T TAKE THAT DOSAGE AS A RECOMENDATION!!!)
All 4 of us are absolutly delighted and safisfied, making us in good mood for many days after... and leaving a mysterious magical feeling ...
On the 18th of september my wife give birth to our son at home. It was an elegant , easy birth, ; so fast that it was just me, her, and our daugher being present, who really wanted to witness it. Quickly after the birth, we realized the breathing of the child was weak, and his body was turning blue.
This was the most stressful moment of my life, rushing to the hospital with our son in beetween life and death.
The hospital was a challenging experience, the child being ripped away from the mother and placenta, and taken away. 6 hours after, we finally get news. Zephyr is in an incubator and he survived. The mother will stay on site in a room and spend time with him as much as possible.
I go home, take care of my 2 other kids.
The following week is an absolute psychological distress :
Our child has obviously some kind of issue, but they don't know what it is. He had seizure arriving in the hospital. He could be paralized for the rest of his life. Or just slightly handicaped. Or fully recover. Or die.
How to find acceptation without knowing what to accept?
Everyday I go to the hospital. I go look at Zephyr. Sometime, he opens one eye. One eye only.
Somehow, the Amanita is there. There's a silent peace, behind the beep beep of the machines...
At home, I feel like the father in “life is beautiful” ; playing with the kids, keeping their joy alive as their mother is away.
The most painful is not my pain, but the pain of my daughter, 8 years old, so pure hearted and so heart broken, as she loves her new brother already more than anything. It's not fair to brake the heart of a 8 years old.
Then, the night comes, and thoughts are like vultures swooping down, voracious, tireless , shredding me endlessly. Sleep is impossible.
What if he is parallelize? What if he needs respiratory assistance forever? We are in a catholic country, there's a statue of Jesus at every floor.... Euthanasia is not a thing.
And down the rabbit hole … what is the value of our technological power, if it perpetuate suffering?
And what if his soul was suppose to leave, and he is trapped by the machine?
That night, I dream with the divine Quetzalcoatl, the flying serpent ; He says I will be the one helping Zephyr transcend. I will kill him, and free him from this vehicle.
I wake up, and wonder how the fuck i'm gonna do that... for god sake. what's going on.
I give a call to the only “shaman” I know. He tells me Souls are above physical constrain, they won't be tamed or controled by machines. It's mean to be, and if a soul want to leave, nothing can stop it.
I get that. Especially a young being with virtually no attachment here.
The days pass, the kid is doing better. They put him off the respirator!!!
I visit with my family.
Zephyr open an eye; we sing him songs. At that moment, he stops breathing, all the machine go in the red. The nurses rushes, to bring him back to life ; we are force out of the room ;
Through his eye, I saw him leave this existence, his soul ascending. Without the nurse and the machine, he would have already left.
He did the same when his grandmother came to visit.
Finally, after 8 days, he got transfered to a more advance hospital , to make some tests.
I came to visit the next day.
Zephyr had only half a heart, and wasn't able to bring enough blood to the lungs to survive on his own. We speak with the doctor. To my absolute surprise, he accepts, on the moment, to pull the plug. Countless time i dreamed in terror of how would i do, if the time come, to help him out of here– but when the moment came it was an act of love, and my hand, in a sacred act, removed his mask.
Will follow the longest 12h of my life.
There was no privacy, no space, no support in that process. The Health Institution has only one snake as a symbol ; the snake of life. They do not deal with Death. They do not have one room for dying, only a thousand room for “healing”. People are passing by, chatting , laughing. It's very hard.
After insisting, they find us a slightly better spot, in a corner. Night falls. Nurses leave, silence comes.
The ocean became a silvery mirror, and we drifted slowly off shore for the next many hours. Numerous times he stepped into the doorstep of the infinite, holding his breath still. He would then open one eye – an eye gazing at all there is, with the serenity of a buddha. This last day on earth was the essence of peace. The silence made louder than any sound. The meditation effortlessly ankering us into deeper presence, Amanita guiding me at each breath, entering a deeper and deeper trance, further into the bardo, as far as I can go. I cry, and there's no pain, no suffering. Silent tears of pure equanimity. And on his 9th days on earth, he gracefully merged with all there is, in the arms of his mother, like in a dream.
The night after, I dreamed. It was him speaking, and he was Amanita ; he was the void ; he was wisdom. At posteriori, I realized I never met him as human soul. He was and remain as invisible as the wind. He told me to mix his ashes with his mother milk and brew it with Amanita. And showed me a very specific spot in the forest, in the mountain.
And so he was cremated.
As the cremation took some hours, my family went to a park outside of the city to have a picnic.
Just before arriving, I hit the break, come out of the car, and find...
A dead white owl.
A couple days later, I did the ceremony with the ashes, the mother's milk and the amanita.
And some weeks after, I revisited that forest. On the place of the offering, there was an amanita, in all way similar to Muscaria, but white, immaculate. I never saw that ever again.