necromanteum
Esteemed member
So... I WAS ATTACKED. I feel like there's no plainer words I can use. I realize the word attack itself may be met with some resistance, and that some of you may feel I'm being a bit cavalier in how I express myself. But I think I owe everyone to be as authentic and honest as I know how. Moreover, my words below will fall ridiculously short of the qualitative experience I endured.
So I've had some DPT hcl salt for about 15+ years that I had been hanging onto. It had been stored at room temp, away from light in a dark brown vile that was sealed and stored in a small cardboard box. All my past experiences with it (mostly all snorted) were rather inconsequential and uninteresting. Then for some reason in this year (January, 2021) I IVed a herculean dose that approximately came out to 250mg, and had quite the experience. At the time of ingestion I weighed between 335-345 lbs. While I consider weight as a potential factor for my relatively high threshold point with this chemical, the information gathering on reports from the early 2000s until present day I've done, leads me to believe that this HCL salt may not be as potent as from other sources available both then and today (or the weight to dosage levels aren't quite equivalent, which is problematic for accurate dosing and worth bearing in mind). Most of my lackluster experiences w/ DPT occurred during the period of 2004-2008.
As for the trip, from the onset, I was experiencing what felt like being rejoined with a SOURCE energy (I'm drawn to the concept of Brahman for this). Not only did it feel as if I was fully integrated, it rather felt as if I WAS the source energy; my astral form ascended, providing the life giving energy of existence itself (at least to some degree, obviously wanting to remain humble, but I can tell you in the moment there was nothing humble about it... nor was there anything "WRONG" with that. Like a massive feeling of purity to it.). And it wasn't like a state of nirvana, or absolute calm, it was more like a massive surge of power, but I also took on a sensation of immense density, and at some point it felt like I began to accelerate. Like I was a gamma ray that had just been birthed in the heart of a star. As if matter/energy/light was being drawn into me too, and I was the only thing existing... in some sense generating reality outside me (whether it was in "actuality" or my perception, it's as if this distinction truly didn't exist anymore as the duality of subject and object simply dissolved into pure experience, leaving no room in the mind for speculation or polarization).
I've never felt ANYTHING like it. I felt so incredibly dense... like I could feel the sensation of extreme mass but without the sensation of weight/gravity. It's difficult to explain. Also this unbounded energy/power, as if every atom of my being was crackling and resonating with a radiant electrical potential (the mental projection of my astral form took on a somewhat amorphous blue tinged white light, like imagining yourself as a plasma state or lightning, but if it were existing out in a void of space/blackness... the closest art approximation of how I "saw" myself would be "Universal Mind Lattice" by Alex Grey, altho the qualitative feeling is better represented as his "Vision Crystal" piece). Anyway despite the density of it, I was at the same time feeling the lightest I've ever felt, positively buoyant. Extremely difficult to explain because these seem like contradictory states. This was the peak of my trip, well the pure and beautiful portion of my trip anyway. Prior to experiencing that, shortly after ingesting dpt, my consciousness was doing what could best be described as The Matrix "bullet time mode" thing that the agents did in the original 1999 movie. It felt like I was phase shifting through dozens of different perspectives in what felt like fractions of a second (doubtful if these were femto, or even attoseconds as I feel it would have crazy implications about consciousness, but the speed was ungodly). This is sort of difficult to explain, especially when I think of the word perspective. It was like being in my bedroom and catching glimpses of it, as if I was moving around it faster than physically possible, but mostly it was the sensation of movement which I felt, that was like phase shifting or teleportation. Or put another way, like a massive slowdown of reality as I was moving through it, and reality had to catch up to me. The instant it did catch up to me was like a single momentary return to something resembling "normal" space-time, but I would immediately start to shift again. The glimpses were barely perceptible snap shots really.
So I have to laugh when I watch that scene on the rooftop in The Matrix, because it falls kind of comically short of the speed and intensity of what I experienced. It almost felt as if I was inhabiting these spaces/perspectives simultaneously too (like if you believed in "many worlds" theory, or multiverse, but were suddenly integrated with thousands of your alternate selves at once---at least the ones that were very similar to this one), but I could perceive the speed of the experience too... for whatever that's worth.
There was also this sense of raw power. as if I felt myself accelerating somehow. then suddenly i was aware of "apparent motion" and "time" but in the sense of a flip-page animation booklet. I could sense every moment as an individual animation frame, or page. And then suddenly I was accelerating beyond all comprehension. It felt almost like that Man of Steel movie moment, when superman first starts flying. And when this happened, it felt like I broke through *something*. I don't know if it was a protective astral shell, because that's when the trip starting going down a pretty scary route.
At this point I would describe it as integration of what FELT like other human intelligences (very well could have been normally splintered parts of my own mind, but I could definitely sense "others" that didn't feel like ME). And I remember I got a sense of being caught in a high dimensional rubix cube of consciousness. A tesseract I guess? But I got the sense that the other consciousnesses were inhabiting their own dimensional cubes, but somehow had been superimposed over my own. And I only had some very rudimentary connection to them. It wasn't like I had access to any actual life memories, but I had the overwhelming sense of what felt like being tapped into a "human" hive mind of sorts. Hyperspace I guess? Mind you I'm in a densely populated suburb and this was around 3am. And it was then I started getting the strong impression of the limitation of categorical (linguistic) human thought... and that this integration of consciousnesses in the "cube" space was somehow like an eternal prison. and that "the "absolute" ("the sum of all being, actual and potential",) exists without reason or purpose, for eternity. no beginning, no end... just is.
the best way I can describe it is that i had qualitatively grasped what eternity/omnipresence would be like, but only if from my own limited human perspective, which obviously made it a rather horrifying prospect conceptually, and as experience in the moment.
it was at this point i remembered when I broke through that astral shell, or whatever, from accelerating, and I suddenly connected that event to the big bang for some reason. and it was then I thought that the creation of the universe MIGHT have been "the absolute" exploding and fragmenting itself in the Big Bang to escape that eternal prison. taking refuge as "low level" forms of consciousnesses & matter, being able to experience novelty, discovery, DOUBT, SLEEP (!!!!) as a reprieve from the abject horror of an eternity all alone without reason or purpose.
From there my trip took a much, MUCH darker turn. As if being schrodinger's cat, cheshirized in a hyperspace cube matrix / hive mind wasn't quite scary enough. But I think this terrifying part of the trip is where my ego was starting to reintegrate itself perhaps, and began to manifest as personal ego distortions... except that it happened in an extremely alien way which is hard to reconcile. But, for post-trip rationalization you could say it was at this point I was bifurcated into ME and an ANTI-ME.
Although, after reading this thread (from Erik): Annoying entities in pre-breakthrough realm - First steps in Hyperspace - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus << this sums up what the dark part of my trip felt like at its onset. I was first being "assaulted" with my own sense of self worth, and would get countered by the perfect cognitive foil immediately anytime I tried to justify anything about my thoughts, my self worth, my life, and any ideas I held of receiving salvation from an existential hell dimension. This portion of the trip was also heralded by the impression of 2 piercing purple eyes, very much in the form of the egregore (see: daily bestiary img search on google). Thoughts began to accelerate and language started getting a bit like jumbled and slurred, like it echoed and trailed off into the distance but in much more dynamic and multi-spatial sense than any reverberated acoustic vocalization. I guess you could call it cascading, in some sense, but with a density and power unlike any thought i've experienced beofore. And it only seemed to build upon itself until some palpable sense of weight was crushing my ego.
This presence was powerful, mostly because it had direct access to my mind... and it was not fucking around. It not only countered all my own justifications/values perfectly, but also peppered in fears/phobias I have to frighten me, working them into the deconstruction process like sudden flashes of mental imagery in an concerted effort to wear me down. And perhaps the worst part of it was the "dimensionality" of it. It was as if the internal dialogue happening were waves, perhaps due to my slowed perception of time? In which case it may be better to think of them as ripples on a pond when dropping in a stone. The major difference being that these waves were bouncing off the "edges" of something (i would guess the edges of that cube space I felt earlier -- which could maybe best be understood as the allotted space for any given human consciousness within hyperspace).
Once bounding back towards me, they became amplified and crashed into me. It felt a lot like being relentlessly pummeled in a wave pool at a water park, to some extent. I was beginning to panic uncontrollably at this point due to feeling as if I was being FORCIBLY UNMADE. Although not just being unmade, but simultaneously TRAPPED in this hyperspace with a merciless intelligence. Sometimes I wonder if it's what it may feel like to be possessed by evil.
I really can't give the experience justice through words alone, though. Because there was very much an UNMISTAKABLE, unambiguous quality to this. It was like I couldn't just make it stop if only I had focused and did some meditation work. I realize this conclusion might not be entirely accurate in retrospect as I was in a bit of a trance like state (deer in headlights effect), and perhaps something as simple as altering my brain wave pattern could've interrupted the process... but being so engaged, it was as if there was no space to retreat to and collect myself.
But to recap, the beginning part of the trip was the single most profound and AWESOME experience of my life. HANDS DOWN. NO QUESTION. I do mean AWESOME too. The reason I bring it up, is because the assault that happened to me was like taking that awesome, positive experience and desecrating it because I either did something wrong or caught the attention of something powerful out in hyperspace. So now instead of BEING the source, it felt as if some intelligence took control of that power I had and beat me up with it. the bullet time mode and acceleration was now being used to rag doll my consciousness. It felt as if time had been stretched out too, so I experienced longs periods of time within seconds. Sending what felt like my head into that bullet time mode over and over and over again. But this time the acceleration and dimensionality of it was unbearable, relentless and seem to go on and on with very few moments of reprieve, like being toyed with. There was also this never-ending gibberish I was hearing too... like a speaking in tongues, but it sounded more digital and warbled a bit as if it wasn't actually a (real) voice, but more the artifice of one. So it wasn't "saying" anything that made any sense, nor did it sound like language. Yet on the other hand it didn't sound like a simple waveform either, as if it was much too dynamic and complex in range. Probably the most unsettling aspect of it was that the pitch, tonality, and cadence was just as fast and relentless as the quasi-physical assault I felt. In fact, it seemed to coincide with the ramping up of intensity, so that it was basically just the audible embodiment of all the other sensations hitting me. Which seem to make the experience feel all the more chaotic and absurd, like falling into an abyss of hyperspatial madness. (check out I Broke My Robot's "tomorrow does not exist" if you want an approximation)
From a physical standpoint, if you can imagine what it'd be like to endure that spinning you feel from being way too drunk, but occurring during a very extreme/difficult PCP trip, then you've reached the tip of the iceberg. Might be thinking to yourself that I'm being hyperbolic too. I'M NOT. Just try to understand that I'm working with a woefully inadequate tool kit attempting to express what it felt like. Perhaps the craziest aspect was despite the experience not being actually physical, it FELT physical. Physical in the sense that I couldn't distinguish any difference between my physical body and an astral projection of it (for lack of a better term). So everything that was happening was occurring to me but there was no distinction between just consciousness and physical sensation? It actually felt as if my physical body was experiencing it... except if that had actually been the case it would've been liquified. So perhaps it's most accurate to say it was not unlike a schizophrenic episode, experiencing tactile hallucinations, except to what I would consider the nth degree.
I can't exactly call the experience pain per se, at least not in the sense of a physical body sending localized nerve impulses to the brain. But indeed at the peak of my attack my head felt a sensation that can best be described as if it was exploding open, except it was happening countless times in absurdly rapid succession, and each explosion had a directionality (or vector) to it. And part of the difficulty of the experience is that I actually felt the inertial acceleration throughout my being no different than if I were on some extreme thrill park ride, except there was no perceptible g-force as if I had little to no mass, nor weight. This itself seems incongruent, but I suppose think of the sensation of falling in a dream. It's real to the mind is felt in the abdominal region, but it's not a physical force from a materialist perspective. The scene from the movie Beetlejuice where Keaton's head is spinning, is somewhat accurate visual approximation of the sensation, except instead imagine your head is moving so fast in a few dozen different directions each second not unlike the bullet time mode I experienced from before, but this time with a relentlessly manic and helpless feeling. And each of those vectors felt like a little neutron bomb going off inside my head, as if each change in direction were a collision of sorts. Now give some thought to the idea that something else is in complete control of this experience and you cannot do a damn thing about it.
Beyond the quasi-physical manifestation during the peak attack, there was also an uncontrollable terror that accompanied. As if my limbic system was under complete control of a directed external force/presensce. Terror, panic, adrenaline, dizziness, disorientation, acceleration... these all felt as if they were sent into overdrive, many orders of magnitude higher than I have ever felt. These also seemed to correspond to the directionality of the physical assault and the auditory chaos I endured too. As if these were all working in concert to make the experience that much more intense. And it wasn't just that these psychosomatic responses were sent into overdrive, but the overall vibe of this ordeal had an unmistakably ordered, and malicious (again, for lack of a better term) intent behind it. And although rather abstract and difficult to convey, the sensation of an unknown force, whether itself a "collective" or just one massively powerful intelligence (I could perceive it as both aspects), was so completely and wholly understood/felt. In retrospective contemplation, I have to call it a subjective experience, but utterly impossible to simply rebuke or rationalize in the throes of such a completely enmeshed and engaging experience. And this is where describing "dark entity" contact in hyperspace originates for those of us who put it in our reports, or at least for me. A sensation and qualitative experience that feels separate and ordered, and makes itself known with some unmistakably signposts alerting you to the dangerous territory you're now mired in. Mind you, this is coming from someone who has a rather firm grasp on why it makes a lot of sense to retread our hyperspace tribulations from a more skeptical perspective. Perhaps most importantly it allows for a much neater, categorically "rational" perspective for sanity's sake; to help one from spiraling into madness and self-destructive impulses in response to the post-traumatic stress of such difficult implications.
And perhaps just as important, is that there's no "proof" I can take with me as a lone psychonaut and layman w/out the know-how, instrumentation or general inclination to attempt so, provided that were even possible. Just as well I say, as I don't think many of you care for when psychonauts tread this topic anyway. I feel as if I am under no delusion in this regard either. I think precisely because of my experience I have unique insight into why it can be difficult to wrestle with cognitively for a lot of people whose metaphysical outlook has a vested interest in the end game of earthly samsara (or suffering). If there's a hyperspatial samsara, and it's in the "further regions of experience", where any and all sensations are at infinite orders of magnitude higher than those of your daily life, and they can all hit you simultaneously and overwhelm you to the point of unending dissolution and reconstitution like some sort of angelic crucible... would you then be screaming "holy holy holy" looking at the true nature of things? Frightening enough prospect in contemplation. Or perhaps it's just some very unique sort of half state experience of local realism combined with nonlocality. I leave that contemplation for the truly deep thinkers and those with formal education.
To be completely upfront about this, I'm truly amazed I didn't end up having a stroke and/or heart attack from this experience. I was 40 years old at the time of my trip and probably the most unfit I've ever been.
...At this point, I feel I MUST explain a little further, as I've remembered a bit more detail...
Before I wrap up this "attack" narrative that I'm sharing, I have to add just a tad more detail that my psyche has tried to bury. And it's what this preface addendum is all about. Experiencing disembodied entities that cause major distress, for whatever purpose. I.E. DARK INTELLIGENCES inhabiting hyperspace.
So, I just remembered what could arguably be the worst aspect of the experience. Something was RESPONDING to my thoughts. And I don't mean the initial deconstruction of the ego part, where my self worth was being whittled down in a quasi-linguistic, hyperspatial dialectic. I'm talking about the physical part of the attack. So... once I began to acknowledge that I was no longer able to maintain even the smallest semblance of control in how my trip was unfolding, was when the experience began to "reveal itself" and make it painfully apparent that I was in commune with some type of intelligence. It responded to my thoughts in what could best be described as telepathy, except no longer linguistically based. Instead, these responses took form as projections of mental imagery, and physical sensations of course. By physical, again, I mean like a direct control of the limbic system, with heightened psychosomatic impulses which had no corresponding "real world" stimulus. And they were all along what most would consider the negative end of the spectrum, i.e. adrenaline spikes, being lost in delirium, feeling a disorientation as if in a vacuum, nervousness, wariness, along with emotional states like dread, panic, paranoia, etc.
And it was as if these bodily and emotional states were nothing more than dials on an electronic control panel. And the dials were being tweaked from a baseline all the way up to 9-10 as a form of response to my thoughts in any given moment. And it felt as if I had even gone past 10 on the dial at points. In which case, my only conclusions are it's either that my life thus far has lacked the qualitative experience of 10, and those are levels people rarely encounter... or hyperspace is a "real" place where this becomes possible; hence the moniker. Perhaps a third possibility not unlike "I have no mouth and I must scream".
Anyway, I can't quite remember every exact detail of what this intelligence did, other than ramping up the intensity of what I already described in the trip report. But I do remember receiving the mental projection of an insane asylum. Like how institutionalized patients, believed to be a physical threat to themselves/others, are locked in padded, square rooms with restraints on. The telepathic projection played on this theme as foundation to inform me about the particular hyperspace I was tuned into... which was that of a small, self-contained pocket intended as imprisonment for a targeted consciousness. And by imprisonment I mean in the sense that there would be no ability to hide or escape this intelligence's reach. Inside this "tetracube", being literally driven to madness, and tortured in the above stated manner without reprieve. And it was like once I "understood" that this was a type of disembodied intelligence, as in having all doubt removed, is when the situation turned into what's described as a "positive feedback loop". What was even more terrifying is I started to get the sense that this feedback loop just continues on, gaining momentum and expanding into higher "dimensions" (for lack of a better term), with increasing speed and density, perhaps until it reaches critical mass? THAT was actually the point at which I was screaming uncontrollably, because that feedback loop was happening to me making the intensity of the experience rise exponentially. And it truly felt like I was coming close to crossing a point of no return, in so much as my measly little monkey brain could no longer contain what was happening to me. For all I knew of what was going on, my human life was reaching (or had reached) its end, and my consciousness would either continue on in suffering like this for eternity, or be completely ripped apart... gone supernova, whatever. Actually, it felt like both could be possible at the same time.
:shock:
From that moment, at the peak of my assault, was the point at which I was screaming uncontrollably at the top of my lungs, as I was so fully enmeshed in this experience that nothing else existed for me. Even though under any other circumstance, under the influence of any other (combination of) substance(s), I've always been able to control myself. Keeping some semblance of myself grounded in the reality of my situation knowing there were people sleeping not far off, or neighbors who might hear me and call the police thinking there was some manner of violent crime afoot. Basically using doubt, or skepticism, as an escape from unambiguous knowing. This incident was so completely beyond any and ALL of that... for me palpable, utterly real, unequivocal. So much so that essentially I could no longer comprehend my normal waking life. My tiny, insignificant consciousness simply had no more space or awareness to process anything else other than the brutality of what I was enduring. It was such a massive and wholly engrossing event, unlike anything that's happened to me ever (on shrooms, lsd, salvia, dmt, sex, NDE, car accident, et al). I would imagine even being abducted by aliens might seem somewhat tame by comparison, despite how paradigm shattering THAT would be.
So in conclusion, I have to say that much like the beginning of my trip, this attack was, contrarily, the single most profoundly HORRIFYING experience of my life. So when others in the forum bring up the topic of dark entities, I would suggest not to necessarily dismiss it offhand. As I have no explanation for how this experience happened, or how it could just be MY OWN MIND doing this to me. I spent a very, VERY long time in what I perceived to be a tetracube prison being slammed, spun, accelerated, swallowed in the gaze of infinite absurdity, and almost as if having the physical sensation of my mind being blown apart and rematerialized relentlessly, like being forcibly sent into bullet time mode but with a completely malicious force exerting its power over it, and my utter helplessness to do a damn thing about it. whether its goal was to feed on my suffering, to "hyperslap" me, or punish me for transgressions committed in my lifetime, I can't say. The "why" of it was not at all forthcoming, leaving me with only speculation. And it truly frightens me to the core of my being to think there is some type of presence existing somewhere "out there" which has dominion over us lesser (human) beings to chew up and spit out. Or worse yet that this could be someone's ultimate fate when they die, like the hell spoken about in some religious dogma. And all for doing nothing more than making the wrong moves in some fucked up cosmic game in which we exist momentarily on a material plane, for which we have no memory of having agreed to play, and the rules aren't known to us without a shadow of a doubt. It just seems too preposterous to wrap my head around.
And that has been my ultimate, lingering fear from the trip. That at the time of my experience, after my "sitter" came in and basically saved me, that this was some new reality that I had awakened to in which I could exist, somehow by choice, but paradoxically without knowing so. Or rather, perhaps, it was some reality that I had existed in at one point, and this material life was my lone reprieve. The function of coming into it without memory, by some ass backward logic, was a gift of MERCY. And I remember thinking to myself if life on earth with all its suffering is the alternative, then put me back to fucking sleep NOW (reset me in the matrix so to speak)... and bless my shitty little life with all its insignificance and inconsequential tribulations! Oh blessed be, let me live amidst all the animals on earth, human or otherwise, where at least I can grasp what the basic rules are, and remain relatively safe working under the guise of freewill. Where I can calculate the risks of any given situation, to SOME degree, based on my ability to gather knowledge and work within systems like probability and such. But I think I've been able to integrate these lessons as unresolved trauma stored as unconscious memory, with the help of some non-dualist philosophy and integrating this with theories of Chris Fuchs or Thomas Campbell. I think I've been able to move past this anthropocentric dichotomy on my spiritual evolution. It's only taken 3 years to integrate though!
In closing, if there was at least one positive thing that came as a result of this experience, I'd say it's that I've completely changed my attitude about doing harm in the world, however inconsequential it may seem from my perspective. What I'm saying is I never want to harm or cause suffering to another creature for as long as I live, on ANY level. As an example, I used to see house centipedes in my home's basement and I'd smack them with my slippers. They were just so fast, creepy and I remember reading that their bite is fairly painful if encountered. Also near impossible to catch and release, so I'd always be startled and wee bit vexed anytime I spotted them as I didn't want these things sneaking up on me while in the bathtub or whatever. BUT NO LONGER. I mean, I'm no longer squashing them, nor do I feel remotely the same way. "Bugs" just don't hold the same kneejerk reactionary response of repulsion or irrational "creepiness" as they once did. I've come to realize that, in some sense, I was the one who got flattened by some enormous being's slipper that night, to use a metaphor.
And it's dawned on me, that whether it's the centipede, the rat, the fly, the cockroach,etc... none of these creatures can help what they are. They follow their instinctive programming, what their genetic makeup predisposes the limits of their nature to be. In that sense, life does seem like a unique sacrament in this surreal cosmic experiment we appear caught up in. If anything, material life, with its precarious nature, now seems to paradoxically hold both my respect and pity simultaneously, in all its forms.
if I said bullshit excuse me, I have always had my own crazy looks at what is going on around me.