Back to my old sElf

[dude_meet_tyler]

Good Morning Everyone,

It has been a while since Ive been here, with the same user name. Seems at one point inactive users were cleared and I was one of them.

Why was I inactive?
Well a long term toxic relationship led to some poor choices. Frequent consumption of copious amounts of alcohol may have been the cause of bouts of depression and anxiety or maybe it was the relationship? Regardless, during this time I lost almost all interest in my hobbies (psychedelic adventures being just one of many) as escapism consumed me.

As the relationship was winding down I attempted to quit drinking in light of our arrangement to share parenting responsibilities. Things were going well until my Mom became ill again, shortly there after. With few coping strategies I fell back into alcoholism. When she passed away a few months later things continued to slide for about the next year. Despite the increase in alcohol consumption and poor choices I was able to finish my degree but an attempt to minor in chemistry failed miserably.

With school out of the picture I was lost.
With my record from my teenage years there was no way I could get a job in my field (without a pardon) but if I were to be honest accounting was never something I enjoyed. I had felt pressure from my family to go to school and with a new baby at the time I felt I wasnt getting any younger and needed to pursue "a good job". But when professors started posting jobs in 4th year stating things like "dont worry about most of those requirements - unless its the criminal record" (to which the class had a good chuckle while I questioned wth I was going to do) I realized, for not for the first time, that I had made quite the mistake.

Thankfully I retained enough sense to recognize that sitting around drinking wasnt much of a career path. So I decided to go into business for myself. Its nothing special but it pays the bills and allows for an adequate work life balance. With this added purpose my drinking ebbed and flowed but continued on about on par (the 5 days a week I didnt have my daughter @ >12 standard drinks/day).

Idk what prompted the change but throughout I knew this habit wasnt sustainable, not only for my bank account, but my health as well. So on Dec 23 2018 I decided to give myself the best Christmas present to date and I quit drinking.

The first few months were rough as I didnt change my habits but simply quit. With the help of psychedelics I began to integrate behaviours which helped immensely with the state of my mental health. Though if I am to be honest a lot of trips were purely for recreation.

Which brings me back to the nexus.
Recreational trips are fine imho, they have their place, as do trips for healing/spiritual purposes. I have used them to shift myself out of the habit of drinking and to ingrain a number of healthful practices. But Id like to be able to indulge in more enlightening journeys.

Thankfully I was mindful enough to properly store my dmt before falling into my drunken state and its still (almost) as white as when I left. My fb rue harmalas have been in a sealed mason jar but iirc theyre relatively stable over time.

Anyways, sorry for the ramble
I hope to be able to contribute to a number of topics around here including but not limited to kombucha brewing (I had stint with a local brewer for a few years), cannabis related topics (thank you Trudeau for making that one legal lol) and a few others. But mostly Id just like to be able to connect to like minded people without some of the pitfalls of some of the other forums/ social media outlets.

Thanks again for the add
Happy Saturday!

 

[PsychedelicSummer]

Good job turning your situation around! Did psychedelics have anyting to do with your decision to quit drinking? Or is it more that they have helped you to stay sober?

 

[FranLover]

Welcome and good job. Our unskillfulness is that we see pleasure as something to be consumed and we always escape ourselves. We confuse our boredom with craving. And craving and pleasure are suffering.

 

[TalkingGarden]

Welcome! I would be curious to know s well if psychedelics helped you stay clean or prompted the decision? Be careful with recreational trips yes they can be incredibly helpful once in a while if you really feel you need something and its a lot better (and interesting) than alcohol in my opinion. but psychedelics do have a built in "anti addiction" trait. At least for me they do. it can work slowly and subtle like or it can throw a wrench in the whole plan! I am super happy to see you here instead of the bar tho!!!

I to have a long record from my "childhood" and most jobs for me are impossible well except mc donalds I guess haha. Find a hobby that you can make some cash at. I recently let my hobby slip a bit but getting back into. it will take a little while to get good at things enough to make some money but doing things for YOURSELF and not a boss can be really fun!

 

[dude_meet_tyler]

Id used psychedelics for both recreation and enlightenment for a number of years before, less so during and increasingly since quitting alcohol. I knew that I had to quit, for a number of years- it made me feel terrible, in every regard. But on I went drinking. Out of habit, a lust for the void and a total disregard for my self.

I had attempted to quit numerous times over the years, some more serious attempts than others. Sometimes for as long as 6 months. But when something stressful would happen Id revert to drinking. Im not entirely sure what made this attempt my longest yet but there were a number of factors. Including my daughter moving back to town and not wanting her to be around me like that.

Psychedelics helped remind me that I needed to quit. Mushrooms and 4 aco dmt were always incredibly dysphoric during these times. And Id usually end up in tears from the barrage of thoughts and images of my most horrific drunken antics of late. But Id always feel so cleansed afterwards. A `40 mg 4 aco dmt (freebase) trip was so heavy in fact that it was effective for a number of weeks. My most recent experience with 5 g of mushrooms in June wasnt quite so negative but definitely very ... forcefully insightful? perhaps.. like with some substances I find I can do the work. But with mushrooms and 4 aco dmt I feel propelled through the shit show that was my life ... a sort of Clockwork Orange with the eye drops thing

Psychedelics also helped keep me "sober" lol.
Weed to. Edibles far more so than smoking which I find to be addicitve in its own right.
Though to me sober is more of a state of mind than complete abstinence. But I digress...

Instead of drinking at night Id toke. And when Id previously get super drunk on the weekends Id trip instead. At first dxm was my go to. Out of all the psychedelics Ive access to (various 4 subs, 2c's, dmt, mushrooms, mdxx, edibles) dxm provided me with the greatest relief from my anxiety and depression - worsened by the abrupt change to my body chemistry (the cessation of alcohol). M being the worst, espcially on higher doses come midweek - reasonable doses could go either way.

Often Id trip near every weekend at the start. It gave me something to look forward to during the week rather than just focusing on abstaining. To avoid cross tolerance issues Id try to rotate - disassociatives, edibles, seretonergic psychedelics. As I got further from the beginning of this run I started putting more time between each trip, often skipping a week or two. In a vain attempt to integrate - often recognizing repeating message, Id slowly realize there was no need for EVERY weekend.

But when I moved at the beginning of summer things got better. So I started tripping more.
Back to every second weekend, or more... Then fall came and the leaves... always so nostalgic. And with the conservation area right there. How could I say no? I had just found the novel lysergamides and though they arent LSD I have enjoyed them significantly. My first eth-lad experience was shockingly powerful at 200 ug and really gave me pause.

I also think persistence is key for me.
As I mentioned this isnt my first bout on the wagon.
And in my experience those one off mystical experiences you read in articles seem like a pipe dream to me. Though psychedelics helped me quite a lot - without proper integration the positive effects only last so long. And I experienced diminishing returns.

So yes, a lot of these trips, though mostly recreational still provided insights and inspiration. Ive almost entirely quit eating junk food. Though my diet could use more work its been nearly 4 months and its still going strong. Ive also incorporated mindfulness (yoga and meditation) slowly into my mornings again. Last week was so peaceful because of it. Id also started running, near every day but it got cold and my laziness bit me when I ran without stretching. But its better now and next week Im going to finally get to it again. But Im rambling lol

Its important to note that alcohol withdrawl can be quite dangerous - thankfully I was able to taper my habit, slowly, over a number of years actually as I wound down, eventually only drinking beer or wine as opposed to spirits. And I did not experience any serious withdrawl symptoms.

 

[DoingKermit]

Bravo for quitting the sauce! I am sure you will continue to reap the benefits of a non-drinking lifestyle. Just imagine what you can do with that extra time and money.

Glad to have you back

 

[Anonymous2]

Good Morning Everyone,

It has been a while since Ive been here, with the same user name. Seems at one point inactive users were cleared and I was one of them.

Why was I inactive?
Well a long term toxic relationship led to some poor choices. Frequent consumption of copious amounts of alcohol may have been the cause of bouts of depression and anxiety or maybe it was the relationship? Regardless, during this time I lost almost all interest in my hobbies (psychedelic adventures being just one of many) as escapism consumed me.

I’ve tried more or less everything that might have been worth to try (except for most of the designer fabrications, or destructive stuff like meth).

I’m sure that the far worst substance ever crossed my body and my brain was the alcohol. (I’m going to open a thread related to the subject from another point of view).

The most important thing I wanted to tell you, and why I am writing to you isn’t that alcohol is the worst one. You can google for it. Or you can figure it out. That’s not my point.

My point is that you need to forgive yourself, stop blaming yourself, and start to work.

Drinking isn’t your weakness. It’s not a bad habit either. It’s not a simple addiction.

Drinking is self-medication.

It’s essential to understand that self-medication, in reality, is almost always unintentional and unconscious. It’s not like you know you have a problem, you google for the elixir, and you go to the store and the pharmacy, and you buy it.

Your brain knows there is a problem. Your brain tries to solve it. Your brain, most of the time, finds the wrong solution unless you are learning or receiving help.

For example, I knew I had issues with alcohol. I never went to the point that others would consider "a drinker". My worst experiences were moments when I vomited, looked into the mirror, and asked myself, "Why the hell are you doing this?"

It didn’t happen often, and I was in control. It only felt crap. Cigarettes were the other "meds". In the end, I started smoking again after six years of a break. It was not an accident or a weak moment. It was my decision. I went to the pharmacy, and I bought something that had no smoke in it but pure nicotine. (I ended up e-smoking, then quitting again).

It was only in my thirties when, after reading a lot and talking a lot with people who should have figured it out based on their profession, I understood I had adult ADD.

It happened half a year after I stopped drinking forever. I quit drinking, smoking, and more or less or my other "addictions" only to realize I didn’t get happier. Not at all. I was missing something but I knew alcohol wouldn’t help.

The day I figured out my ADD, I looked around home. I had maybe 40-50 boxes of nutrition (vitamins, extractions, all legal). About 80% of what I ordered over many years, was recommended for ADD. When I ordered them, I didn’t know what ADD was. I knew some problems, and I tried to solve them. I read products based on the descriptions. That’s self-medication.

When I was reading two excellent books about ADD, I had hundreds of "OMG" moments. Everything in my life made sense. Realizing I had ADD and starting to improve it was one of the most significant positive impacts on my life.

My point is: you can quit drinking. You can be strong and never drink again. (And that’s what I recommend you from all my heart). But you do yourself a magnitude bigger favor if you figure it out why you drunk.

There is always a reason.

You may want to dig into that.

Also, if you go down the rabbit hole, try to distinguish symptoms from conditions. ADD is a condition or let’s say an attribute. Depression is a symptom. At least, most of the time. Bipolar depression may be a condition and may be related to physical-biological causes. Yet many times, depression is only a symptom of something you didn’t yet figure out, or could not deal with it.

Instead of asking yourself "Why was I weak/stupid to drink", you may want to ask, "what am I trying to improve or solve"?

ADD is one of the possible reasons for an addict-like behavior. I’m not an official doctor. You may want to google for other possibilities.

 

[dude_meet_tyler]

There is always a reason.

Well I stopped drinking years ago in high school when I knew it wasnt good for me. Some people can have a healthy relationship with it but I knew I couldnt. When I got together with my partner at that time she drank and I started up again after about a year.

My relationship with alcohol, and most drugs, at that time was to get carried away with them. I was a chronic, I ate more psychedelics than necessary and when I drank I binged (thankfully I wasnt much interested in harder drugs but I digress).

As the years passed I slowly began drinking more as the relationship soured. I had asked to separate many times but when you have rent and groceries paid for and dont work much, would you leave? lol ... My partners Mom was a drunk though and she always said shed leave if it ever got that bad. So I knew I had that out and eventually, depressed due to the failing relationship and studying a program I hated at university, I chose it.

Once she finally moved out, it was habit.
And when my Mom got sick again shortly thereafter, I just fell back into the empty void as opposed to dealing with what was happening. I continued drinking for another 2 years after my Mom passed before I kinda came to my senses.
....

My point is that you need to forgive yourself, stop blaming yourself, and start to work.

Since this post I have been tripping less and actually putting in more work. Tbh I feel so much better than just tripping all the time. I was at about once a week and now its once a month. But where I used to be frustrated with a wasted weekend Im actually out doing, learning things or just experiencing life.

Im doing puzzling, juggling and its been 3 weeks of going to the gym again.
Im cooking and taking care of the house and myself.

Arguably Im just high functioning
But depression ruled a large part of my life for liek 10 years so Im not surprised. I imagine itl take a sometime to bounce back.

My recent trips have been both recreational and spiritual.
But Im planning to try an intranasal 5 meo dmt soon. As I became interested after reading that it stimulates cell proliferation in mice.... the trip doesnt sound like the easiest to manage though lol ... so Im working on me in preparation.