I tried something that I could find no information about online, combining two different plants into one blend. I have always tried to push things or change things to find uniqueness, and I believe I did. There were pros and cons though I am sure.
Some backstory about me. I have been doing drugs since I was 13 and I am now 30. Weed has been the only real constant along the way throughout the entire time. I am a definition drug addict and will take anything too far and in excess and make excuses and justifications to keep doing them to myself and others. I have been to a psych ward once for a week of outpatient and rehab for 58 days, both during high school. Painkillers, Anti-Anxiety medicine, weed, a little alcohol, and stimulants like Adderall are my favorite vices. In the past I have tried any pills I could get my hands on, household highs I would learn about, including foolishly huffing a lot of paint and legal highs like Pep Spice/K2 which I know has limited my max potential at least a bit. Good thing brains are resilient.
Last April I readdressed things when I almost lost my relationship with the girl I love dearly. Let’s call her Z. Things almost ended and I vowed to get my life together, make weed a special occasion thing. Very quickly I started hiding daily weed usage from Z again and over the course of 9 months or so I became a lesser partner than I could have been and fell into the same mindsets as before and stopped working on myself and working with her to support her in countless ways. Eventually I was just not even hiding it anymore and things were basically exactly the same as before the scare. Things were weird and back and forth for 4 months and now they are finally over. Maybe not forever, but maybe so. Hard to not have hope. I love her almost more than myself, which is a problem, and I have realized I kinda hate myself or at least aspects of myself during sobriety. And this breakup has crumbled me and made me afraid that I won’t find anyone who makes me as happy. Everything that went wrong with this is my fault because of the lack of willpower to stop my addiction. Forgiving myself for any mistakes in my life has been grueling to say the least. But in this process of self-help, becoming more spiritual and digging into philosophy I have tried to do some extreme things to shake things up and make myself uncomfortable. I locked myself in an isolated bathroom at the business I own for 72 hours with no technology and only books and notebooks. I went camping in the cold by myself. Two to three therapy sessions a week usually. And walked almost 300 miles in less than a month. They all shook things up, but they didn’t light the fire under me to get my life together as much as I would like and start moving forward with my big list of things I needed to improve on that were infinitely clearer and continuing to present themselves during my sobriety and sadness.
I have experimented with mushrooms, LSD and 4-Aco-DMT collectively about 200 times over the past 12 years. I have broken through on DMT around 10-15 times. And experienced true ego death from DMT once. I considered myself experienced and able to handle this with flying colors, and Ayahuasca made me realize how naive I am. Mushrooms, LSD, DMT, Ayahuasca (and its variants), Mescaline, 4-Aco-DMT, 5-OH-DMT and caffeine are the only chemicals I plan on deliberately using until I die (after I kick vaping finally). I am still conflicted on whether this breaks my “sobriety” even if I plan on using them no more than once a month.
In 2020 I began making DMT myself but most of my experience with it was from a friend’s product that they extracted. All Acacia and all very interesting and insightful experiences. But in my weed stupor and jaded mindset, I have never “done psychedelics correctly” until the past few months. I was always doing them to see how trippy and messed up I could get. I was never trying to learn from them. Nor could I really with the level of addiction I was passively in. And I never really did until looking back and trying to see what they meant and what they showed me. After making my own, I tried it once in 2020 and had a very unique experience. I was in a swirling rainbow paint world and my vision kept zooming up to doors and windows where there were tall, slender humanoids with that same texture swirling over them without faces behind the windows/doors as they opened to greet me. I could tell if it was a mother and daughter, or a man by himself even though no features distinguished them from being any different from one another. After about 7-8 encounters, a barn door where just the top can open was reached. Yet another humanoid, a man who reached out and handed me a notecard. I saw my real untextured hand reach out and take it. Then I chuckled in real life and in the vision since it was just that same swirling rainbow paint pattern again. As if to say “What am I supposed to do with this?” and he shrugged as if to say, “Hmmm, not yet then.” and took it back from me. The trip ended there.
I was afraid of doing it again for a while. What if I wasn’t ready for the information on the notecard? What if it was something I didn’t want to know? Finally this breakup made me realize almost 5 years later, what if it’s time to see the notecard? I sat down after months of sobriety and stated my intention. I was ready to see it but I would understand if not. I meditated, I journaled, and I did psychedelics correctly for the first time ever. As it began I was almost compelled to demand to see the notecard or be taught something. Then I realized, “Who am I to demand anything from this alien chemical? Accept what you are seeing.” This was my 2nd breakthrough ever that was just black and white. Weird alien machines in an infinite grid of 270 degrees. All moving and working. You couldn’t tell if any of them were out of place or messed up. And if they were, it did not matter. Was I just one of these machines, indistinguishable from the rest, as they all just did their thing? Or were these all parts of me, and from afar you could not even see if any of the parts were flawed or messed up? When I came to, I realized I did not see the notecard. But I wrote down on a notecard with a date the lesson I learned. “Things keep moving and working.” Maybe I will never see that notecard on a psychedelic. So now until forever, I will create a new notecard with the lesson I learn from each experience. I also write down a lesson I learn every day regardless of psychedelic usage in a notebook.
Around a month later I took 2 tabs and 2.4g of mushrooms and really accepted things a bit, opened up and cried for 6 hours and learned to love myself and my life more. I wrote 10 pages of journaling during it. More progressed with the breakup after this, things are civil and sad and she doesn’t want to leave because there IS so much good between us but feels compelled to deep down. But I was losing my edge already. My productivity went down. My goals started to fall by the wayside. I would spiral and obsess how I do. And the lessons I was learning were not doing enough. My spirituality rabbit hole led me back to Ayahuasca which I had wanted to do but was so afraid of it since 2020. I knew it was time to try to talk to Mother.
I started ‘La Dieta’ and followed it about 75% of the way. I was given weird signs along the way like sneaking buttery, salty popcorn in a movie theater and feeling bad about it then seeing the main character of the movie pick up an Ayahuasca book randomly with no lead up. Okay I hear you… I’m messing up the cleanse. I did it for a week. I had been reading reports on here and other sites for about 2 weeks and extensively comparing recipes and obtaining a stupid amount of resources for then and the future. I boiled 50g Mimosa Hostilis and 10g Acacia Confusa, both powdered for three 1 hour washes. Then reduced it down to about 10-12 oz. And split that into 5 small jars that I froze, making my dosage 10g Mimosa and 2g Acacia. On the day of the ceremony I brewed 3.1g of Syrian Rue that I smashed in an envelope with a hammer for two 30 minute washes. Strained everything through a cheesecloth. And was ready to begin.
With night time jungle noises on the speakers, my fast of 6 hours going strong and my room closed off from my cats and my roommates notified, I began to drink the Rue slowly over the course of 15 minutes. I had a microphone next to me and my phone’s camera recording me sitting upright on the bed since I wanted to document it and knew journaling would probably be impossible. I state my 4 intentions/goals/purposes of this ceremony out loud without expecting them of course. Quit vaping, Become more productive, Accept losing Z, and Love myself and my life more. The Rue tasted like brewing beer and dead bugs to me with the sharpest bitter after taste that lingered. I finished at 8:27pm. I state that I am scared but open to anything happening out loud. I am monologuing a lot to comfort myself, document it to the recording devices and try to make contact with anything that may be about to guide me. I doubted the psychoactive properties of the Rue, but over the 30 minute period of allowing it to enter my system, I began to full on trip. It felt like acid or mushrooms to me and I was so surprised.
I laid there waiting for it to absorb and had two super clear closed eye visuals as well as some light fractal patterns. The first was a dad with like a short blonde Justin Timberlake style curly haircut in a blue polo tucked into khakis holding a flashlight. He had a black background behind him and was reaching out and shaking me. He said “Are you dead? Oh no are you dead? Wait are you dead? Oh! Good! Okay you aren’t dead! You aren’t dead!” and my eyes shot open in disbelief. As I sat there thinking about drinking the root bark cocktail next, I saw myself sitting among a black background taking a sip and then puking into the jar which scared me pretty good. 30 minutes finally passed after a disoriented walk to use the bathroom quickly. I goofily made some stupid jokes out loud to myself and I began to sip the Mimosa/Acacia blend.
The taste of this was honestly nice. I like the taste and smell of DMT, that sweet rubber like you push some sugar on a new can of tennis balls. I let the sediment settle and was careful not to disturb it, wild how much makes it through the cheesecloth. But the amount that stays suspended in the solution is still insane. Each sip coated my tongue and mouth with powder and dried it out significantly. Slowly over 10 minutes or so I finished it. The last sip made me gag a little. And in my experience and research, there’s no reason to drink the sediment and no way I could have. Then the fear and excitement faded into simply, “This IS happening.” I finish at 9:08pm.
I wonder how many people are drinking a similar tea right now. Are all the entities you see during these experiences all the other people doing it right now in strange avatar costumes? That’s a fun thought. I restate my goals out loud as I read them off the typed piece of paper I printed them on that sits next to me. Sirens go by my house and I say “I guess this is an emergency ceremony!” I begin to doubt my brew, did it get too hot? Is the bark I obtained not the best quality? Did I simmer it long enough? As I think this, I see waves crashing down behind my eyelids and then check the time. It’s been 9 minutes and I tell myself to be patient. I see myself exactly how I look right now in my visuals. I realize in the moment that all my visuals have basically been real HD footage of realistic things. Not the strange soft, metallic, rainbow, 2000s CGI type CEV that DMT has basically always brought me in the past, in fact 98% of my visuals throughout the whole experience were this way. It is hours until Memorial Day starts and I hear a handful of fireworks go off outside in the distance and realize why. As I say fireworks out loud I see them in my visions perfectly and they’re amazing. I realize I have a decent amount of control over the visuals actually. I start seeing a little girl grow up through her life and begin to look like her older sister. Then I see myself as another person, holding a phone, standing in a gas station’s doorway. There’s another guy there laughing and making a joke and we cheers our sodas together. I think “why is this what I am seeing?” and then the video on the phone and background disappear and I am left with just the phone and black screen. I realize hallucinating a phone is telling to me being to materialistic and on screens to much so I try to force it to go away and it does perfectly. It shocked me how easy it was to control that so I try to bring it back into existence. Then think, “How disrespectful to try to hallucinate a phone right now!” and force it away again and apologize out loud to the plants.
My thoughts echo and extend out in a million directions. I see Dubble Bubble packages (I had it nearby for after the purge) on conveyor belts zooming around walls, the logo of my podcast in a frame next to all these other beautiful paintings, a building made of swirling masks growing, shrinking and changing sizes, a came up with an entire educational/interactive kid’s game, I heard both of my grandma’s laughing, saw my dad naked which freaked me out, and so much more. The whole time I am impatient thinking, “this is not a full on normal DMT breakthrough? It’s not weird enough?” and am debating drinking more even though I am nauseous. It’s been an hour and a half since I finished the brew. I then see a movie theater “Turn Your Phones Off” screen as well as see myself getting my phone taken away from me at some sort of security checkpoint and it hits me…Why am I making this a performance? Maybe this is what is holding me back! I announce out loud that I am sorry again, I get up and hastily and dizzily turn off the microphone and camera. “It’s just me and you now. No more recording equipment. Take the reins if you want. I surrender.” I state aloud as I reread my goals again. Then I was forced to submit.
I lose myself. I lose moments of time that feel like hours and I assume are periods of 20 minutes or so. I keep waking up and coming to in different positions. I don’t know if I was thinking or hallucinating things during this time, or if I was actually losing myself completely. Maybe it was stuff so complex and confusing that it was simply incomprehensible to me. Billions of notecards? Or just one. I start panicking at one point thinking that later this week I need to stop omitting my psychedelic usage to my therapist and come clean about it so they can help me integrate and make sense of things. I picture myself more. I picture Z, or at least try to but her face is in fragments. Slats that I see one at a time. Then a montage of her from different angles. Then I feel us drifting apart, followed by reuniting like some weird sitcom surrounded by rainbow decor and the word “HAPPY!” being shouted by lots of people over and over again. Try to shake it before I convince myself it’s a premonition and not just a deep desire. I start crying hysterically and creating nonsensical viral memes in my head. I get too hot and take off my sweatshirt. The cold air shocks me and a montage of people at parties and on balconies puking start to flash before me.
One second is pure agony. The next is pure bliss. The most confused I have ever been. The most frustrated I have ever been. The most euphoric I have ever been. “WHY WOULD I DO THIS TO MYSELF, THIS WAS POISON, HOW COULD ANYONE WANT THIS FEELING, NEVER AGAIN!” Then I purge. As tears fell into my puke bucket, the relief I felt was unreal. I thought the spiritual aspect of the purge and how it’s negativity, etc. leaving you was hyped up to justify the experience so others would not write it off completely. I was wrong. The purge is therapy. The purge is not just puking, it is shedding darkness from inside of you. It felt like death and rebirth. It felt incredible when it was done. Then it got more intense. Mouthwash helped. And Dubble Bubble later on was gross and tasted like chemicals. And I purged again a bit later. And dry heaved a few times while crying. I am not sure when, because this is when time became a joke.
Suddenly I would be up and dancing to the rainforest noises I had playing. Then flopping back onto the bed. Then just standing staring off into space. Then waking up in a new position on the bed. I check the time, get lost in something, then check the time again, 2 minutes. I do it again, 2 minutes. Ever single time I check the time, 2 minutes have passed. At 11:34 I see the time, lay down for what feels like hours then finally convince myself to get back up. I checked the time, 11:34. I start cackling at time itself. This is not real, why are you even looking at it anymore!
I cried some more during this. I stared out the window for probably 2 minutes and it felt like hours. When I do the math, the peak of this experience where most of this time loss happened was probably about 40 minutes. It felt like 2 and a half weeks. I turn on music and start dancing. Lahai by ESTA was played about 100 times and I listen to it multiple times a day now. I text a couple of my friends and roommates to tell them that things are okay. I talk to one of them in person about it for about 40 minutes and try to explain it the best I can as he asks stuff that really makes me think about it. By the 3 hour mark I was able to go downstairs and eat and go on the porch. I then turned all the lights on, put on a green neon sign and danced to that song over and over like a fool. I went for a walk around the nearby park and found a travel book about South America in one of those Little Free Libraries that was not there 48 hours before. Of course I took it, that had to be put there for me! I hear a baby crying from inside a house and think “wow, a little me is in there!”
I get home and record myself dancing, start doing chores while dancing all around my house, play with my cats, text my friends about it some more, eat more and clean the purge bucket out. I vaped during the experience and it grounded me and was comfortable, I guess that’s all it is anyways. It’s been getting grosser to me over the next two days and I plan on not buying another one. Then I begin to type the bullet points for this so I don’t lose any major aspects.
I had a weird dream about Z that night and woke up a little upset. This faded away immediately as I started dancing to Lahai again and setting up for the Memorial Day cookout. I had friends coming over! Ones I do not see all the time and ones I see all the time, and I love them all! And I get to share this experience with them and hear what they have been up to! The day was awesome and I was asked so many questions that helped me process it and think about it differently. Played games and was active and talkative even though I slept 5 hours.
I never saw or felt a presence of Mother Ayahuasca or any sort of real serious being or guide. In fact the closest thing I saw was the dad in the polo who thought I was dead. I wonder if this is because of the mix of the barks. I wonder if the teachers within each of them were kind of fighting to be heard and I lost both somewhat in the process. I have not read about anyone else doing this yet except one post about smoking a combination of them and having very good results. Are people afraid of mixing them? Do they think it could be dangerous? Disrespectful? Do they just want to follow what they read online exactly? Are people just not thinking about doing it? I don’t know, but next time I will do one or the other. Then Chacruna and Chaliponga both on their own as well. But then I plan to make another mixed cocktail. One day I plan on doing a mix of all 4 as well as a mix of red, white, yellow and black caapi. Let’s get a council of these guides together once I have met with them all individually. If you can’t tell, even though at one point I thought, “Why did you do this to yourself?”, in hindsight I think, “Well that wasn’t THAT bad!” It will be a few months before the next time though. And I hope to one day be able to guide people to do it correctly and professionally tripsit their experience and learn enough from resources I have gathered to help integrate it into their lives and ask/say stuff beforehand to help make it as insightful as possible. Plus encouraging them to write/think extensively about it before and after and make their own notecards. And maybe most importantly, choosing the right blend of plants to fine tune what they hope to get out of it since my research shows their effects can be quite different.
Major lessons I learned from this:
-You should have done mushrooms, LSD and DMT SEVERAL times before doing this, and also you will NEVER be ready for how intense it is going to be. (even though I took a lot and a weird blend.)
-If I can make it through this, I can make it through just about anything.
-There is no permanence, even in thoughts and feelings.
-Time is not real, and you have many more of it’s made up units than you think you do.
-Dancing through the pain is vital.
-I am too stuck in the material/digital world, we all are.
-The two visions of Z during it showed me that things are so uncertain, so why am I even upset right now about it all?
-And that if you don’t fully surrender to life and Mother Ayahuasca, it/she will make you submit to it.
-Plus several more that I have already forgotten and keep learning. It just keeps giving!
I am still vaping but it is getting grosser. I have been a bit more productive. I have been less sad about the breakup the past two days than I have the past 127 days and I do not spiral when I think about missing her, it comes and goes. And I can without a shadow of a doubt say that I love myself and my life more.
It’s stereotypical, it’s hippie, but whatever, I get it. This changed my life. And I am forever in this plant’s debt. As of right now my three notecards from these experiences are this:
-Things keep on moving and working.
-WOW! I HAVE A LANGUAGE! I AM ALIVE! WOW!
-If you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.
Take your medicine. Write your notecards.
-X
Some backstory about me. I have been doing drugs since I was 13 and I am now 30. Weed has been the only real constant along the way throughout the entire time. I am a definition drug addict and will take anything too far and in excess and make excuses and justifications to keep doing them to myself and others. I have been to a psych ward once for a week of outpatient and rehab for 58 days, both during high school. Painkillers, Anti-Anxiety medicine, weed, a little alcohol, and stimulants like Adderall are my favorite vices. In the past I have tried any pills I could get my hands on, household highs I would learn about, including foolishly huffing a lot of paint and legal highs like Pep Spice/K2 which I know has limited my max potential at least a bit. Good thing brains are resilient.
Last April I readdressed things when I almost lost my relationship with the girl I love dearly. Let’s call her Z. Things almost ended and I vowed to get my life together, make weed a special occasion thing. Very quickly I started hiding daily weed usage from Z again and over the course of 9 months or so I became a lesser partner than I could have been and fell into the same mindsets as before and stopped working on myself and working with her to support her in countless ways. Eventually I was just not even hiding it anymore and things were basically exactly the same as before the scare. Things were weird and back and forth for 4 months and now they are finally over. Maybe not forever, but maybe so. Hard to not have hope. I love her almost more than myself, which is a problem, and I have realized I kinda hate myself or at least aspects of myself during sobriety. And this breakup has crumbled me and made me afraid that I won’t find anyone who makes me as happy. Everything that went wrong with this is my fault because of the lack of willpower to stop my addiction. Forgiving myself for any mistakes in my life has been grueling to say the least. But in this process of self-help, becoming more spiritual and digging into philosophy I have tried to do some extreme things to shake things up and make myself uncomfortable. I locked myself in an isolated bathroom at the business I own for 72 hours with no technology and only books and notebooks. I went camping in the cold by myself. Two to three therapy sessions a week usually. And walked almost 300 miles in less than a month. They all shook things up, but they didn’t light the fire under me to get my life together as much as I would like and start moving forward with my big list of things I needed to improve on that were infinitely clearer and continuing to present themselves during my sobriety and sadness.
I have experimented with mushrooms, LSD and 4-Aco-DMT collectively about 200 times over the past 12 years. I have broken through on DMT around 10-15 times. And experienced true ego death from DMT once. I considered myself experienced and able to handle this with flying colors, and Ayahuasca made me realize how naive I am. Mushrooms, LSD, DMT, Ayahuasca (and its variants), Mescaline, 4-Aco-DMT, 5-OH-DMT and caffeine are the only chemicals I plan on deliberately using until I die (after I kick vaping finally). I am still conflicted on whether this breaks my “sobriety” even if I plan on using them no more than once a month.
In 2020 I began making DMT myself but most of my experience with it was from a friend’s product that they extracted. All Acacia and all very interesting and insightful experiences. But in my weed stupor and jaded mindset, I have never “done psychedelics correctly” until the past few months. I was always doing them to see how trippy and messed up I could get. I was never trying to learn from them. Nor could I really with the level of addiction I was passively in. And I never really did until looking back and trying to see what they meant and what they showed me. After making my own, I tried it once in 2020 and had a very unique experience. I was in a swirling rainbow paint world and my vision kept zooming up to doors and windows where there were tall, slender humanoids with that same texture swirling over them without faces behind the windows/doors as they opened to greet me. I could tell if it was a mother and daughter, or a man by himself even though no features distinguished them from being any different from one another. After about 7-8 encounters, a barn door where just the top can open was reached. Yet another humanoid, a man who reached out and handed me a notecard. I saw my real untextured hand reach out and take it. Then I chuckled in real life and in the vision since it was just that same swirling rainbow paint pattern again. As if to say “What am I supposed to do with this?” and he shrugged as if to say, “Hmmm, not yet then.” and took it back from me. The trip ended there.
I was afraid of doing it again for a while. What if I wasn’t ready for the information on the notecard? What if it was something I didn’t want to know? Finally this breakup made me realize almost 5 years later, what if it’s time to see the notecard? I sat down after months of sobriety and stated my intention. I was ready to see it but I would understand if not. I meditated, I journaled, and I did psychedelics correctly for the first time ever. As it began I was almost compelled to demand to see the notecard or be taught something. Then I realized, “Who am I to demand anything from this alien chemical? Accept what you are seeing.” This was my 2nd breakthrough ever that was just black and white. Weird alien machines in an infinite grid of 270 degrees. All moving and working. You couldn’t tell if any of them were out of place or messed up. And if they were, it did not matter. Was I just one of these machines, indistinguishable from the rest, as they all just did their thing? Or were these all parts of me, and from afar you could not even see if any of the parts were flawed or messed up? When I came to, I realized I did not see the notecard. But I wrote down on a notecard with a date the lesson I learned. “Things keep moving and working.” Maybe I will never see that notecard on a psychedelic. So now until forever, I will create a new notecard with the lesson I learn from each experience. I also write down a lesson I learn every day regardless of psychedelic usage in a notebook.
Around a month later I took 2 tabs and 2.4g of mushrooms and really accepted things a bit, opened up and cried for 6 hours and learned to love myself and my life more. I wrote 10 pages of journaling during it. More progressed with the breakup after this, things are civil and sad and she doesn’t want to leave because there IS so much good between us but feels compelled to deep down. But I was losing my edge already. My productivity went down. My goals started to fall by the wayside. I would spiral and obsess how I do. And the lessons I was learning were not doing enough. My spirituality rabbit hole led me back to Ayahuasca which I had wanted to do but was so afraid of it since 2020. I knew it was time to try to talk to Mother.
I started ‘La Dieta’ and followed it about 75% of the way. I was given weird signs along the way like sneaking buttery, salty popcorn in a movie theater and feeling bad about it then seeing the main character of the movie pick up an Ayahuasca book randomly with no lead up. Okay I hear you… I’m messing up the cleanse. I did it for a week. I had been reading reports on here and other sites for about 2 weeks and extensively comparing recipes and obtaining a stupid amount of resources for then and the future. I boiled 50g Mimosa Hostilis and 10g Acacia Confusa, both powdered for three 1 hour washes. Then reduced it down to about 10-12 oz. And split that into 5 small jars that I froze, making my dosage 10g Mimosa and 2g Acacia. On the day of the ceremony I brewed 3.1g of Syrian Rue that I smashed in an envelope with a hammer for two 30 minute washes. Strained everything through a cheesecloth. And was ready to begin.
With night time jungle noises on the speakers, my fast of 6 hours going strong and my room closed off from my cats and my roommates notified, I began to drink the Rue slowly over the course of 15 minutes. I had a microphone next to me and my phone’s camera recording me sitting upright on the bed since I wanted to document it and knew journaling would probably be impossible. I state my 4 intentions/goals/purposes of this ceremony out loud without expecting them of course. Quit vaping, Become more productive, Accept losing Z, and Love myself and my life more. The Rue tasted like brewing beer and dead bugs to me with the sharpest bitter after taste that lingered. I finished at 8:27pm. I state that I am scared but open to anything happening out loud. I am monologuing a lot to comfort myself, document it to the recording devices and try to make contact with anything that may be about to guide me. I doubted the psychoactive properties of the Rue, but over the 30 minute period of allowing it to enter my system, I began to full on trip. It felt like acid or mushrooms to me and I was so surprised.
I laid there waiting for it to absorb and had two super clear closed eye visuals as well as some light fractal patterns. The first was a dad with like a short blonde Justin Timberlake style curly haircut in a blue polo tucked into khakis holding a flashlight. He had a black background behind him and was reaching out and shaking me. He said “Are you dead? Oh no are you dead? Wait are you dead? Oh! Good! Okay you aren’t dead! You aren’t dead!” and my eyes shot open in disbelief. As I sat there thinking about drinking the root bark cocktail next, I saw myself sitting among a black background taking a sip and then puking into the jar which scared me pretty good. 30 minutes finally passed after a disoriented walk to use the bathroom quickly. I goofily made some stupid jokes out loud to myself and I began to sip the Mimosa/Acacia blend.
The taste of this was honestly nice. I like the taste and smell of DMT, that sweet rubber like you push some sugar on a new can of tennis balls. I let the sediment settle and was careful not to disturb it, wild how much makes it through the cheesecloth. But the amount that stays suspended in the solution is still insane. Each sip coated my tongue and mouth with powder and dried it out significantly. Slowly over 10 minutes or so I finished it. The last sip made me gag a little. And in my experience and research, there’s no reason to drink the sediment and no way I could have. Then the fear and excitement faded into simply, “This IS happening.” I finish at 9:08pm.
I wonder how many people are drinking a similar tea right now. Are all the entities you see during these experiences all the other people doing it right now in strange avatar costumes? That’s a fun thought. I restate my goals out loud as I read them off the typed piece of paper I printed them on that sits next to me. Sirens go by my house and I say “I guess this is an emergency ceremony!” I begin to doubt my brew, did it get too hot? Is the bark I obtained not the best quality? Did I simmer it long enough? As I think this, I see waves crashing down behind my eyelids and then check the time. It’s been 9 minutes and I tell myself to be patient. I see myself exactly how I look right now in my visuals. I realize in the moment that all my visuals have basically been real HD footage of realistic things. Not the strange soft, metallic, rainbow, 2000s CGI type CEV that DMT has basically always brought me in the past, in fact 98% of my visuals throughout the whole experience were this way. It is hours until Memorial Day starts and I hear a handful of fireworks go off outside in the distance and realize why. As I say fireworks out loud I see them in my visions perfectly and they’re amazing. I realize I have a decent amount of control over the visuals actually. I start seeing a little girl grow up through her life and begin to look like her older sister. Then I see myself as another person, holding a phone, standing in a gas station’s doorway. There’s another guy there laughing and making a joke and we cheers our sodas together. I think “why is this what I am seeing?” and then the video on the phone and background disappear and I am left with just the phone and black screen. I realize hallucinating a phone is telling to me being to materialistic and on screens to much so I try to force it to go away and it does perfectly. It shocked me how easy it was to control that so I try to bring it back into existence. Then think, “How disrespectful to try to hallucinate a phone right now!” and force it away again and apologize out loud to the plants.
My thoughts echo and extend out in a million directions. I see Dubble Bubble packages (I had it nearby for after the purge) on conveyor belts zooming around walls, the logo of my podcast in a frame next to all these other beautiful paintings, a building made of swirling masks growing, shrinking and changing sizes, a came up with an entire educational/interactive kid’s game, I heard both of my grandma’s laughing, saw my dad naked which freaked me out, and so much more. The whole time I am impatient thinking, “this is not a full on normal DMT breakthrough? It’s not weird enough?” and am debating drinking more even though I am nauseous. It’s been an hour and a half since I finished the brew. I then see a movie theater “Turn Your Phones Off” screen as well as see myself getting my phone taken away from me at some sort of security checkpoint and it hits me…Why am I making this a performance? Maybe this is what is holding me back! I announce out loud that I am sorry again, I get up and hastily and dizzily turn off the microphone and camera. “It’s just me and you now. No more recording equipment. Take the reins if you want. I surrender.” I state aloud as I reread my goals again. Then I was forced to submit.
I lose myself. I lose moments of time that feel like hours and I assume are periods of 20 minutes or so. I keep waking up and coming to in different positions. I don’t know if I was thinking or hallucinating things during this time, or if I was actually losing myself completely. Maybe it was stuff so complex and confusing that it was simply incomprehensible to me. Billions of notecards? Or just one. I start panicking at one point thinking that later this week I need to stop omitting my psychedelic usage to my therapist and come clean about it so they can help me integrate and make sense of things. I picture myself more. I picture Z, or at least try to but her face is in fragments. Slats that I see one at a time. Then a montage of her from different angles. Then I feel us drifting apart, followed by reuniting like some weird sitcom surrounded by rainbow decor and the word “HAPPY!” being shouted by lots of people over and over again. Try to shake it before I convince myself it’s a premonition and not just a deep desire. I start crying hysterically and creating nonsensical viral memes in my head. I get too hot and take off my sweatshirt. The cold air shocks me and a montage of people at parties and on balconies puking start to flash before me.
One second is pure agony. The next is pure bliss. The most confused I have ever been. The most frustrated I have ever been. The most euphoric I have ever been. “WHY WOULD I DO THIS TO MYSELF, THIS WAS POISON, HOW COULD ANYONE WANT THIS FEELING, NEVER AGAIN!” Then I purge. As tears fell into my puke bucket, the relief I felt was unreal. I thought the spiritual aspect of the purge and how it’s negativity, etc. leaving you was hyped up to justify the experience so others would not write it off completely. I was wrong. The purge is therapy. The purge is not just puking, it is shedding darkness from inside of you. It felt like death and rebirth. It felt incredible when it was done. Then it got more intense. Mouthwash helped. And Dubble Bubble later on was gross and tasted like chemicals. And I purged again a bit later. And dry heaved a few times while crying. I am not sure when, because this is when time became a joke.
Suddenly I would be up and dancing to the rainforest noises I had playing. Then flopping back onto the bed. Then just standing staring off into space. Then waking up in a new position on the bed. I check the time, get lost in something, then check the time again, 2 minutes. I do it again, 2 minutes. Ever single time I check the time, 2 minutes have passed. At 11:34 I see the time, lay down for what feels like hours then finally convince myself to get back up. I checked the time, 11:34. I start cackling at time itself. This is not real, why are you even looking at it anymore!
I cried some more during this. I stared out the window for probably 2 minutes and it felt like hours. When I do the math, the peak of this experience where most of this time loss happened was probably about 40 minutes. It felt like 2 and a half weeks. I turn on music and start dancing. Lahai by ESTA was played about 100 times and I listen to it multiple times a day now. I text a couple of my friends and roommates to tell them that things are okay. I talk to one of them in person about it for about 40 minutes and try to explain it the best I can as he asks stuff that really makes me think about it. By the 3 hour mark I was able to go downstairs and eat and go on the porch. I then turned all the lights on, put on a green neon sign and danced to that song over and over like a fool. I went for a walk around the nearby park and found a travel book about South America in one of those Little Free Libraries that was not there 48 hours before. Of course I took it, that had to be put there for me! I hear a baby crying from inside a house and think “wow, a little me is in there!”
I get home and record myself dancing, start doing chores while dancing all around my house, play with my cats, text my friends about it some more, eat more and clean the purge bucket out. I vaped during the experience and it grounded me and was comfortable, I guess that’s all it is anyways. It’s been getting grosser to me over the next two days and I plan on not buying another one. Then I begin to type the bullet points for this so I don’t lose any major aspects.
I had a weird dream about Z that night and woke up a little upset. This faded away immediately as I started dancing to Lahai again and setting up for the Memorial Day cookout. I had friends coming over! Ones I do not see all the time and ones I see all the time, and I love them all! And I get to share this experience with them and hear what they have been up to! The day was awesome and I was asked so many questions that helped me process it and think about it differently. Played games and was active and talkative even though I slept 5 hours.
I never saw or felt a presence of Mother Ayahuasca or any sort of real serious being or guide. In fact the closest thing I saw was the dad in the polo who thought I was dead. I wonder if this is because of the mix of the barks. I wonder if the teachers within each of them were kind of fighting to be heard and I lost both somewhat in the process. I have not read about anyone else doing this yet except one post about smoking a combination of them and having very good results. Are people afraid of mixing them? Do they think it could be dangerous? Disrespectful? Do they just want to follow what they read online exactly? Are people just not thinking about doing it? I don’t know, but next time I will do one or the other. Then Chacruna and Chaliponga both on their own as well. But then I plan to make another mixed cocktail. One day I plan on doing a mix of all 4 as well as a mix of red, white, yellow and black caapi. Let’s get a council of these guides together once I have met with them all individually. If you can’t tell, even though at one point I thought, “Why did you do this to yourself?”, in hindsight I think, “Well that wasn’t THAT bad!” It will be a few months before the next time though. And I hope to one day be able to guide people to do it correctly and professionally tripsit their experience and learn enough from resources I have gathered to help integrate it into their lives and ask/say stuff beforehand to help make it as insightful as possible. Plus encouraging them to write/think extensively about it before and after and make their own notecards. And maybe most importantly, choosing the right blend of plants to fine tune what they hope to get out of it since my research shows their effects can be quite different.
Major lessons I learned from this:
-You should have done mushrooms, LSD and DMT SEVERAL times before doing this, and also you will NEVER be ready for how intense it is going to be. (even though I took a lot and a weird blend.)
-If I can make it through this, I can make it through just about anything.
-There is no permanence, even in thoughts and feelings.
-Time is not real, and you have many more of it’s made up units than you think you do.
-Dancing through the pain is vital.
-I am too stuck in the material/digital world, we all are.
-The two visions of Z during it showed me that things are so uncertain, so why am I even upset right now about it all?
-And that if you don’t fully surrender to life and Mother Ayahuasca, it/she will make you submit to it.
-Plus several more that I have already forgotten and keep learning. It just keeps giving!
I am still vaping but it is getting grosser. I have been a bit more productive. I have been less sad about the breakup the past two days than I have the past 127 days and I do not spiral when I think about missing her, it comes and goes. And I can without a shadow of a doubt say that I love myself and my life more.
It’s stereotypical, it’s hippie, but whatever, I get it. This changed my life. And I am forever in this plant’s debt. As of right now my three notecards from these experiences are this:
-Things keep on moving and working.
-WOW! I HAVE A LANGUAGE! I AM ALIVE! WOW!
-If you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.
Take your medicine. Write your notecards.
-X
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