pantaleon
Rising Star
Lately I've been having some really difficult psychedelic journeys. The same experience has been recurring and I don't know how I can push through it or even if I should push through it. It has happened four times now.
Yesterday I took 3.6 grams of dried psilocybin mushrooms (GT) and made tea out of it. The trip had the same outline as the last three: at the beginning it is beautiful, fun and exhilarating. I love everything. I am thankful for everything. Everything is what it is and I accept everything as it is. Everything is perfect. I dance. I move around and feel an immensely loving energy taking over. It is all good.
But after a while I always come to realize that this enjoyment is but a hallucination. It is a trap. A trap made by the mushroom itself. Everything, the whole universe, me and everything else, is just trapped in this illusion that everything is wonderful. But it is not. I always realize that the mushroom has been fooling me all along. It has always been lying to me. I feel as the ant being infested by the zombie fungus and that the sense of calmness, love and enjoyment is but an illusion created to fool the host so that it can't fight back. It is the final checkmate. This "truth" becomes unbearable and I always end up trembling in anxiety and agony, realizing that this truth will ultimately make me want to kill myself.
I wonder if these journeys are triggering a psychosis, but I am not sure. A part of me still wants to go at it again, thinking that this recurring fearful experience may be a manifestation of the fear that I am not being honest with myself. These last journeys include a sense of falsehood: something is false, there is an illusion, it is not what it seems. Maybe I am just realizing that I have been lying to myself. I blame it on the mushroom and externalize it because I don't want to deal with it. But I have to deal with it. I have to be honest with myself. In every situation where I notice the fear of "exposing" myself, I have to let that fear go. I have to ask myself where that fear comes from and how it prevents me from loving myself and from ultimately being free. I have to choose between fear and love. It is my choice. In every moment.
Writing this down is helping me a lot right now.
Yesterday I took 3.6 grams of dried psilocybin mushrooms (GT) and made tea out of it. The trip had the same outline as the last three: at the beginning it is beautiful, fun and exhilarating. I love everything. I am thankful for everything. Everything is what it is and I accept everything as it is. Everything is perfect. I dance. I move around and feel an immensely loving energy taking over. It is all good.
But after a while I always come to realize that this enjoyment is but a hallucination. It is a trap. A trap made by the mushroom itself. Everything, the whole universe, me and everything else, is just trapped in this illusion that everything is wonderful. But it is not. I always realize that the mushroom has been fooling me all along. It has always been lying to me. I feel as the ant being infested by the zombie fungus and that the sense of calmness, love and enjoyment is but an illusion created to fool the host so that it can't fight back. It is the final checkmate. This "truth" becomes unbearable and I always end up trembling in anxiety and agony, realizing that this truth will ultimately make me want to kill myself.
I wonder if these journeys are triggering a psychosis, but I am not sure. A part of me still wants to go at it again, thinking that this recurring fearful experience may be a manifestation of the fear that I am not being honest with myself. These last journeys include a sense of falsehood: something is false, there is an illusion, it is not what it seems. Maybe I am just realizing that I have been lying to myself. I blame it on the mushroom and externalize it because I don't want to deal with it. But I have to deal with it. I have to be honest with myself. In every situation where I notice the fear of "exposing" myself, I have to let that fear go. I have to ask myself where that fear comes from and how it prevents me from loving myself and from ultimately being free. I have to choose between fear and love. It is my choice. In every moment.
Writing this down is helping me a lot right now.