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Breaking Open the (Large & Slightly Misshapen) Head - Chapter #3

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antrocles said:
everything has changed...

forever.
Click to expand...

This post had an ominous tone to it, that I see also in your eyes... You OK, man? Might just be my predilection for the grim and the dramatic, but thought I'd ask. I hope the change, all of it, is for your good.

Concerned,

JBArk
 
Ant

I don't think that it can ever be to late... Indeed the only way to heal ones self is through healing others, it was something that i was shown while i was in India and the realisation of that small and noble truth was life changing... I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world for your journey as a healer.


Much Peace and Understanding
 
RobMarley said:
Thank you so much for sharing! This truely is one of the most interesting stories I have ever read.

antrocles said:
it's challenging for me.....in that i will never find true compassion from others for what i went through and what i now contain. no one can ever understand true madness....in fact, that's part of what true madness is. it is beyond what your mind can ever conceive. once in it, there is nothing you wouldn't do to un-know it...and once you've come back, you can never forget it, nor tell yourself that it is not forever a part of you. the fear that it is always with you is beyond rational mind.
Click to expand...


So if you had a chance to go back in time would you do it again? Or choose not to?
Click to expand...

unfortunately, this is the kind of questioning i can no longer entertain. it will only drive me farther from the sanity i am slowly recreating for my life. in truth, i see that there are two forces at work here: my soul and my mind. what happened in that final ceremony was something my SOUL has wanted and orchestrated for lifetimes. it was a right of passage that millenia of spiritual evolution had lead me up to. it was not an option, it was simply what was meant to happen and my soul had been preparing for it lifetime upon lifetime.

so, your question...in this light...would be an emphatic yes. i would do it all over again.

the other force at work, my mind, is what i struggle with now. and this struggle is the struggle of a lifetime. what i saw, what i went through....i will forever straddle two worlds. i do not have the luxury of 'going back in time'. it is forever a part of me and i have to slowly reconcile that. my mind, more than anything, wants to return to the familiar. to a life i know, even if it is tragically limited in so many ways. my mind doesn't want to take the responsibility for the fact that the old path is gone and that it is now what must create a new one.

i can only trust that my soul knows what is best. that what happened was orchestrated by my soul. that what i went through and where i now stand are GIFTS. that i will one day learn how best to use these gifts to help myself, others and the world.

in short- i am no longer a child. i am now a man and i have to take full responsiblity for all that contains. the good, the difficult, the all.

i have been feeling increasingly aware of something over the past couple days- it has become very clear to me that many of us (my self included) often say that we want to experience a 'life-changing' event. we want something 'profound' to befall us. we take plant medicines, meditate, do yoga....whatever...to bring about this 'life-changing' experience. we watch movies about such events. we romanticize and daydream about radical transformation. we consider things like 2012 and think, " what could be the most transformative thing that could happen?"

i see clearly now how this is really delusion for most. i say this with a compassion that is greater than the span of this planet. in truth, what people want is something 'profound' that they can take back to the life they know, put on a bookcase and admire from the comfort of the familiar. 'life-changing' is best experienced from the vantage of the old, comfortable life.

if there is one gift i can give to each and every one of you from everything that i have gone through (everything), it's this: life-changing means LIFE-CHANGING. as in- your old life is unrecognizable. it's been days now and i walk around my home still looking at things and not recognizing any of it. this life. this former life of mine. my old relationship. my old job. it's all completely lost. i have managed to work over the past two days and it has been unbelievably hard. i am lost. my mind is lost.

but my soul is free and my challenge is now to focus and control my mind and bring it together with this liberated soul.

each day is a challenge. i can no longer have anything but complete honesty and integrity with everyone around me. i haven't lost my sense of humor, i simply cannot entertain the false. how will i pay my bills? what will i do to share my freed soul with this world? how will i keep myself protected from those who cannot see me? my 'life- priorities' have shifted massively and a strange combination of terror and true bliss follow me everwhere, blanketing me in an embrace of alternating womb-warmth and piercing cold.

THIS is 'life-changing'. THIS is the truth. THIS is what my soul has been preparing for for lifetimes, and THIS is what i will carry with me for the balance of my time on this earth.

i am strong. all of those years of developing mental and physical strength for bike racing were never really for bike racing. i understand this now. they were for this. for this shift that my spirit knew was coming in this incarnation. all of the spiritual work, all of my 'training' with DMT....everything i have endured in my life....it has been for this. and now 'this' is here.

would i go back in time and change anything?

no. i am a warrior. this is my final test. it is the test of a soul's evolution. it is the final, most definitive test. i will bravely face this and fight for my transformation as if it were my very life.

because it is.

i love you all so much. your support over the years has given me more than i can ever thank you enough for. i signed my very first post "with love and gratitude' and every post since. it is the love for who you all are and the gratitude for everything you have given me. i meant it with all my mind and heart then and now i add my soul to that list. i will continue to come by the nexus and post as often as i can, but something tells me it won't be as often as before. i have to focus now on what i am to become.

i am honored to be a part of this community.

with the deepest love and gratitude
 
antrocles said:
in truth, what people want is something 'profound' that they can take back to the life they know, put on a bookcase and admire from the comfort of the familiar. 'life-changing' is best experienced from the vantage of the old, comfortable life.
Click to expand...

...this is so true!! This has been crossing my mind daily lately. Do i realy want this? Do i want to change, do i want to know?
I have the impression that the more i love my family, the harder it gets to let it all go...I fear that my change will harm my relationship to the ones i love, the ones i NEED (and the ones that need me).

Antrocles, i can not imagine what you're going through, but your story has become a part of my life now. It is an eye opener to me.

I wish you all the best integrating your experience
 
You’ve taken quite a journey. I know that if anyone can find what they’re looking for, you can. And will.

Here are my thoughts about tests and evolution and transformation: Our “higher selves” – our souls – are eternal. There is no final test, there is no final evolution. Our souls have always existed, have always been transforming and “evolving”, and will continue to do so forever.
 
That's an epic and already legendary trilogy. Deepest love and gratitute for Ant, Saidin and Art and the Secoia!

Wise words about being careful what you wish for: life-changing experience sounds very exciting but it's no fun when it actually happens. The knowledge that this life here is just a section of a much bigger life with all kinds of information channels shut off is more terrifying than any monster.. I wish you all the luck with integrating all this with the burdens of western society. Even here, healers are appreciated. If you are a healer now, heal away!
 
gibran2 said:
Here are my thoughts about tests and evolution and transformation: Our “higher selves” – our souls – are eternal. There is no final test, there is no final evolution. Our souls have always existed, have always been transforming and “evolving”, and will continue to do so forever.
Click to expand...

[YOUTUBE]

;)
 
cellux said:
gibran2 said:
Here are my thoughts about tests and evolution and transformation: Our “higher selves” – our souls – are eternal. There is no final test, there is no final evolution. Our souls have always existed, have always been transforming and “evolving”, and will continue to do so forever.
Click to expand...

[YOUTUBE]

;)
Click to expand...

Wow!!
This is spookey :)
 
With respect... are you considering another visit to the Secoia in the future? It may be that, as they guided you back to yourself in Costa Rica, so might they confirm and guide your integration forward...?
Thank you,
L
 
Are you done with DMT now?
Do you still think DMT transports you to other alien worlds as said in previous posts or is it just mental ?
How has this experience changed your perspective/outlook of your previous experiences?
 
i have been feeling increasingly aware of something over the past couple days- it has become very clear to me that many of us (my self included) often say that we want to experience a 'life-changing' event. we want something 'profound' to befall us. we take plant medicines, meditate, do yoga....whatever...to bring about this 'life-changing' experience. we watch movies about such events. we romanticize and daydream about radical transformation. we consider things like 2012 and think, " what could be the most transformative thing that could happen?"

i see clearly now how this is really delusion for most. i say this with a compassion that is greater than the span of this planet. in truth, what people want is something 'profound' that they can take back to the life they know, put on a bookcase and admire from the comfort of the familiar. 'life-changing' is best experienced from the vantage of the old, comfortable life.
Click to expand...

Wow, really this has been going through my head for years now. I always found it funny when I read or heard people talking about psychedlics as the easy route when comparing to meditation and this dialogue in my head was always there laughing about it being easy. When talking about true change I don't feel it will ever be easy to weather the storm of 'Chapel Perilous' and other metaphors. I have personally been on a long hiatus that has been a huge integration period for myself but I keep getting the calling back. Your story is scary, but inspiring. I really appreciate you sharing what you could.
 
Ljosalfar said:
With respect... are you considering another visit to the Secoia in the future? It may be that, as they guided you back to yourself in Costa Rica, so might they confirm and guide your integration forward...?
Thank you,
L
Click to expand...

yes. when i feel that i have effectively embodied this change that has taken place, i will work with the seicoya again. they made it quite clear that that was what they wanted and it is only my weakening desire to hold on to my old life here (that doesn't really make much sense anymore) that keeps me from going into the ecuadorian amazon to learn more. i will work with them again in costa rica in july (should be ready by then) and then i will plan my first trip to their native land.

BigInhale said:
Are you done with DMT now?
Do you still think DMT transports you to other alien worlds as said in previous posts or is it just mental ?
How has this experience changed your perspective/outlook of your previous experiences?
Click to expand...

i will continue to work with others with DMT. as for myself, it was made quite clear what DMT has been for me. there is a reason i have done it more than anyone i know. DMT, for me, was training. it is the most effective and profoundly uselful training for one's mind imagineable. i could have never come back from where i went had it not been for the deep work with DMT i had been doing for years. only good comes from working with the molecule, i know that even now when i know that my time with it is most likely done.

it's gifts for me have been put to their highest use. i owe DMT a life's worth of gratitude and i truly believe with every cell in my body that anyone choosing to develop one's spiritual 'muscle' can only be done right by regular work with DMT.

on a side note: i have spent the entire day redoing my healing room. it now has a seicoya hammock in the center and several other elements incorporated from what i learned. i have never felt more sure of what i have to offer and how i can help others in this respect. is it my path of healing? not sure. it is certainly something i feel has tremendous value and i am quite confident that i can provide a valuable and righteous environment and support to those whose path leads them to me.

L&G
 
antrocles said:
i am a warrior. this is my final test. it is the test of a soul's evolution. it is the final, most definitive test. i will bravely face this and fight for my transformation as if it were my very life. because it is.
Click to expand...

I think that on this trip with the Seicoya you managed to hook a very real anchor into the other world, and now the task is to draw yourself - and probably the world together with yourself - up to that other world (or pull the other world out from the rabbit hole and thereby help it incarnate in flesh). A unification of heaven and earth - which is also reflected in the unification of your mind and soul.

Don't you have the feeling that with this initiation you are actually DONE? I feel that becoming an adult was the trial, the hard stuff - the mind had to be persuaded and tricked into letting go of itself -, but now that the soul took over, you cannot possibly go wrong. You speak as if the mind were not - and could not be - in control any more, which means there is nothing left that could fuck up the process. Or?
 
O Antrocles,

I feel ecstatic and also sad as I read all this.

You undoubtebly radiate something that is desperatly needed today -how wonderful!-
But today's society is definitely aimed at preventing such life changes -how disgusting!-

In a sane society, you would have been welcomed back with showers of flowers and encouragement!!!
I'm sure many Nexians would get together and rejoice in your company if distance permitted!

:d Sending handfuls of petals your way!:d

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." J. Krishnamurti
 
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