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Changa Musings

My box fetish is aggravated :LOL:
I do agree that a nice storage place is a part of forming a relationship with medicines.
It shows your care and dedication to the process.
You are stocked for a long retreat or a world tour 🌎

I had a dream once to buy a few kg of rue, mimosa, a sack of rice and go live in a cabin for a year.
It never came true, and maybe for the best. Modern day retreat in a cave, haha.

Peace 🙏
 
northape said:
My box fetish is aggravated :LOL:
I do agree that a nice storage place is a part of forming a relationship with medicines.
It shows your care and dedication to the process.
You are stocked for a long retreat or a world tour 🌎

I had a dream once to buy a few kg of rue, mimosa, a sack of rice and go live in a cabin for a year.
It never came true, and maybe for the best. Modern day retreat in a cave, haha.

Peace 🙏
Click to expand...
😳 there are so many things I could say about that first part 😅

I suppose I am dedicated...maybe obsessed...likely both.
And thank you.
There are 14 batches in total, three of which were gifted to me.
Some blends will be expanded on in the future. And I think a new goal will be to simply fill the jars MOAR.

That reminds me of a status I posted where I wished I could live in a cave and people would just bring me food and toilet paper for me to guide them and that somehow I could have internet so I can still be here. Perhaps your cabin is on the hill of my cave 🤣.

One love
 
Hm, we're at an interesting junction...

I love me some Brahms.

I was walking out of the store today and had the thought that I don't know if I really care how deep I go as much anymore, or at least not now. I want to go deep, I want to give myself what I want, but am unable to do so. It seems apt to work on that first. I've also been feeling overwhelmed and a great deal of pressure in life in general for several years, maybe even when this difficulty started, but the pressure applied to entering the space deeper is only adding to my problems and is a deterrent. It's the pressure that's a deterrent, not the medicine.

I find this fascinating because I've had some deeper experiences lately. I've been loosening up and getting myself to where I want to be. I think it shows in recent trip reports as well as in my keeping track of my use on my status. I think that this new position where I'm not as stressed about how deep I go is part of this same process of loosening up that has me where I am now.

Again, some of this is frustrating because of how my psychedelic journey began; extremely deep experiences. And yes, I'd like to get back to that. But it's a whole lot less frustrating in this moment. I'm a bit apathetic to it. I have other needs to fill and there's other work to do in the space. That being said, I've found that there is more work that can be done in experiences and spaces that don't leave one discombobulated. And I'm still touching deep aspects of hyperspace, even in the experiences in which I don't see anything. Not only that, but my experiences have changed and deepened by virtue of the bond; it's like I don't have to rock myself to connect deeply with the space or the entheogen. Also, the space will take me when it wants me. So to some degree, my choice is minimal. They've taken me at some pretty damn low doses.

I'd like to see things more, so will try, but won't make a big deal out of it if I don't. It's about being there in whatever capacity sometimes.

So whenever I go real deep, which may be sooner than later, it'll just happen naturally.

And yes, these experiences can be terrifying and I know that. But I show courage by continuing the bond and doing the work as often as I do (I say that to myself since I feel cowardly often for not going deeper, though that feeling isn't there now), and to anyone that would want to question it, they likely lack depth of understanding or being or bond with the space, and simply they "don't get it," and I don't need to care about that.

If we're being real, I think there is some psychedelic trauma residing in me that I need to search for and uncover. I've been at this a long time and have had some that really kicked my ass, spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically.

It's all good. <3

One love
 
Spice is so elusive, I took 2 weeks off and essentially did a cleanse so I was super ready and I hardly got into the lobby. I just ordered a glass sherlock to see if that helps but its so al over the place. At least with psilocybin I can take 17-20 grams and go somewhere interesting. I love spice its just been so elusive lately Im not sure what else to do.
Y
 
Voidmatrix said:
I was walking out of the store today and had the thought that I don't know if I really care how deep I go as much anymore, or at least not now. I want to go deep, I want to give myself what I want, but am unable to do so. It seems apt to work on that first. I've also been feeling overwhelmed and a great deal of pressure in life in general for several years, maybe even when this difficulty started, but the pressure applied to entering the space deeper is only adding to my problems and is a deterrent. It's the pressure that's a deterrent, not the medicine.
Click to expand...
Continuing on with reflection.

Upon waking up this morning, integrating some things and insights shared, I cam to an understanding that I have been where I ought to be with some of these psychedelic difficulties this whole time. I should be addressing self-loathing and moving closer to myself, and going the distances that I would like to would deter that goal. This is one of those reflections where I could feel entities influencing it from the periphery (it's worth mentioning I've not smoalked since last Sunday).

That said, all these ideas of weakness and lack of stability are only marginally true. There's been an aspect of the space as well as my own subconscious that has been letting me know something that I couldn't hear before.

Another note is that I don't tend to feel very "strong." One of the reasons I lift heavy and push my body in certain ways is to prove to myself there is some strength within. One of the reasons I want to go the distance psychedelically is partly for the same reasons: I tend to forget the strength that's there or think that a successful run was a fluke and thus need to do it again to make sure it's valid... and again... and again.

It's interesting to reflect on this using fitness as I am under the impression that I may have been over-training for the past several years. I'm dialing it back at the gym for a while.

Well, at least I have a little more peace around this now.

Thank you for reading.

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
Another note is that I don't tend to feel very "strong." One of the reasons I lift heavy and push my body in certain ways is to prove to myself there is some strength within. One of the reasons I want to go the distance psychedelically is partly for the same reasons: I tend to forget the strength that's there or think that a successful run was a fluke and thus need to do it again to make sure it's valid... and again... and again.

It's interesting to reflect on this using fitness as I am under the impression that I may have been over-training for the past several years. I'm dialing it back at the gym for a while.
Click to expand...

It resonates a lot. I've been struggling with my training regimen for some time.
Our bodies need exercise, but a bit too much, and it becomes detrimental to life.
It's a balancing act that changes all the time. I try to feel my body more nowadays and see what it wants to do.
Workout, running or yoga should bring joy and return us to the present, imo.

In one ceremony, I asked how to be strong. “Be Strong” was the answer.
It's up to us all the way to live and find this balance. But it's hard, really hard.

I remember one of Krishna Das's kirtans, where someone asked: “Is it all grace or we need to do something?”
His answer was: “It is all grace, but we need to act like it is not”. Somehow it seems relevant.
🙏
 
northape said:
It resonates a lot. I've been struggling with my training regimen for some time.
Our bodies need exercise, but a bit too much, and it becomes detrimental to life.
It's a balancing act that changes all the time. I try to feel my body more nowadays and see what it wants to do.
Workout, running or yoga should bring joy and return us to the present, imo.
Click to expand...
Nothing helps me sublimate intense energy more than heavy deadlifts and squats several times per week as well as continuing to push the envelope with calisthenics. But it's starting to feel destructive. As I get older, I have to find a new balance. Right now in life, I'm barely working, opting to do a whole lot of resting.
I think age plays a role. I enjoy "going hard" in most things, I'm just an intense person, but as we age, there are many things that we don't handle and manage as well as we once did.
For the last part, I agree to an extent. From my experience with training others, there are many instances that simply won't bring you joy, such as many aspects of a weight-loss journey. I've seen people simply struggle and struggle until they get to certain points where they can say allow something into their diet again. Sometimes thinking about the end of something helps you get through it. As another example, my arms are longer than I am tall, and as a result, I am not a fan of benching. I tend to focus on the end of the rep in order to get through what I don't like.

northape said:
In one ceremony, I asked how to be strong. “Be Strong” was the answer.
It's up to us all the way to live and find this balance. But it's hard, really hard.
Click to expand...
A Yoda response :LOL: I understand it, but it broadens the nuances of the road that must be taken for one to come to such a simple understanding themselves. And I think that's what one is really asking about when they ask "how." However, we largely come to find that out for ourselves as you've mentioned.

northape said:
I remember one of Krishna Das's kirtans, where someone asked: “Is it all grace or we need to do something?”
His answer was: “It is all grace, but we need to act like it is not”. Somehow it seems relevant.
Click to expand...
The paradox of effortlessly applying effort.

One love
 
Going to try something new. I recorded this experience on a voice recorder that also has a transcribe feature. While it's cool that it has that ability, it was actually tedious once I had it pasted into a document because I had to reformat it and remove some space codes as well as edit it to what I actually said when it couldn't pick up my voice. Enjoy
It's also a pain in the ass how when I copy/paste it here it screws up the spacing and some of the words and missing a space and I have to go through and add one...

In between spaces, in this powerful experience I am currently immersed in, as a way of inducting in this new medicine pipe. It really is a medicine pipe.

I don't even know to say like, the enough ability is beyond me. I think that's what I needed. I feel pretty good right now. Even with the lot of the hard things that came up. I try to lean into it.

It was such an experience of phantasmagoria. There were just so so many layers and so much going on. There's so much trust that allowed me to get there.

As I try to distill and remember better, currently landing from this experience, it's just hard to isolate one thing.It's also characteristic of these experiences to not be able to see that much [not sure what I meant by this, possibly that with milder intentioned experiences I don't see as much]. But the one thing that does stand out as the the sexual imagery that I was witnessing. And a lot of considerations and philosophical musings therein on the nature of the experience. It's one of those instances where the experience seem to be a mutation and a byproduct of my mind. It was very interesting. But then at the same time there is something alien about it and something other as if something elsewhere took that from my mind and then depicted it for me, of itself.

I also got to notice the immense societal pressures that I feel and isolate them from myself. And I think it's something that can help me to work on my self esteem and my self worth in this world.

I am incisive,but i just became more incisive in a new way. There is some very nuanced and minute crevices we could say, that I need to peer behind.And this experience helped me to do that. I think I neglected to share that, this was a changa and cannabis experience so is my favorite blend of changa to which is, 1:1:0.3 consisting of mullein,passion flower, and blue lotus and the cannabis blend is a psychedelic blend that I created and was excited to try, consisting of three strains that my lady friend was so kind to get for me. The sativa is Super Lemon Cherry Gelato, the hybrid is Mac Burger 12, and the indica is Truffle Cream Cake. And the, the aroma of this blend,just it's, it's very telling to the intuition that there's a lot of power here, so I do look forward to diving deeper with that blend to see where I go in the expanse.

But in this moment I just, I feel good, I feel goodness and I am, I'm just allowing myself to feelgood and I'm proud of myself for how I responded to everything that came up, because while I wasn't expecting anything to be visual, it became visual and not majorly so but, obvious enough and clearly enough.

And while some of the imagery is little bit harder to remember, I know that it's within me and it has affected me in to the choices that I've made as a result of witnessing it have been mine and I have changed as a result of those choices as well.

But.Yeah there's just. I was surprised at one point that i wasn't anxious or worried or freaking out about anything, and I think some of that had to do with the nature of trust as I used into the space, because there is an implicit assumption based on the, 50/50 blend, roughly50/50 blend, probably a little cannabis heavy, that I put into this new medicine pipe, that is a stone pipe by the way,it's beautiful.

When I saw it it resonated greatly with me so that's why I bought it even though I don't need to buy anymore pipes.And I guess I could say that about a lot of the pipes that I have I sat the you know resonate with me not all of them but a lot of them.

Um, so, going to pause and just... Breathe.

[Several deep breaths]

In this experience, a lot of good that came up about myself that I can carry into this world and not need to state but I can just show by my actions, that was some to their came from this as well. And, it's making me explore now a somatic aspect of this experience where I coughed pretty hard and I wasn't sure why, except for it being like a straight pipe in the you know the barrel not being extremely long so the volume, it doesn't lend itself to a cooling the smoke too much before it enters my lungs. But yeah there was a very interesting coughing fit that i experienced, and I think some of it was somatic regarding certain energy blockages that I may have. So something that I think to explore even it was I do have this sensation in the back of my throat. It's worth noting though that this sensation in back of my throat wasn't there [again] until I started mentioning the coughing and the back of my throat in this recording.

It could likely be psychosomatic and an aspect of anxiety that I deal with and a regular basis. Certain inputs elicit certain autonomic outputs.However, I liked that the input of my own input, of reflecting on,you know the coughing and my throat and this somatic aspect that that might represent, that, that was a cue and a trigger for me to drink some water and drinking water is good for us.

Feeling more and more landed.

Letting in a lotta love.

I had this idea earlier of practicing something like radical gratitude were for every little thing that I can do, be thankful that I'm able to do it. And that came from you know being thankful, for some reason in the moment, that I was able to clip my own nails.

So, and further landing in this experience and I'm taking with me this feeling feeling good. I am hungry, so I'm looking forward to finally being back at square one back at base-camp and being able to go eat. I'm glad that I took this experience, in this time and in this journey. I'm glad that I showed myself this love and respect and honor and worth.

Love.

One love
 
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