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Voidmatrix

Voidmatrix

Rearranging the void
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While meditating this evening (after playing my role-playing game over Zoom with some buddies and preppin mushroom tubs before loading them with spawn and substrate, and scraping some lovely deems), I had a few changa ideas that I thought I'd share with you all.

The thought process sorta began around me thinking about there being three jars in my changa box that need fillin! But with what blends? I didn't want to do what I always do (a 1:3:3 of harmalas, DMT and herbs), but I also didn't want to make any "normal" changa with less DMT. The idea behind most of my blends is more in line with interacting with the spirit of DMT augmented by harmalas. But what if we switched it around; make it a harmala-centered experience augmented by DMT? Why not make a blend that has 1g harmalas, 1g herbs, and 300mg DMT? I mean why not, right? I'm into the low dose DMT, high harmala experiences. Could even see how a "half and half" can go, with 500mg harmalas, 500mg DMT and 1.3g of herbs.

I'm thinking about "playing it safe" and using my favorite combination of herbs for some of the options that I have: mullein, blue lotus, and passionflower.

Thoughts?

One love
 
I typically go for harmala rich changa.
Like 1:1:1, and I use mostly caapi leave as plant to spread the dmt and harmalas unto. Like the sedating effect and the easy incoming.

Maybe I will make it the other way around next time and try your dosage.
 
Well, that was pretty awesome.

For my meditation today I tried the batch with 1g herbs, 500mg DMT, and 500mg harmalas. This is one of those instances where I wish these experiences were less fleeting, as a lot happened that I would like to retain.

The first thing that I noticed was that my internal state as I approached the experience was dynamically different. There was less anxiety and pressure, which I immediately realized was due to my connotations and associations with DMT in particular. DMT scares me, and I expect to scare me which makes it scare me more consistently, but this batch has less DMT, so in my subconscious mind, it's "safer." I think that was the only thing that made my approach so easy and the entering into the space so easy. Though the one-to-one correspondence between the DMT and harmalas may have led to a more relaxed entry. I say it this way because in the usual batches of changa I make (1g herbs, 1g DMT, 300mg harmalas) don't really curb the rush all that much for me, which I'm fine with because I desire to have the internal awareness of strength to be able to steel myself against that anyway.

I moved myself into visual range. Not extremely so, but enough to be satisfied with the depth as well as satisfied with still maintaining enough foundation to really observe the experience. I did feel comfortable enough going a little deeper. Granted, I've been feeling more comfortable overall (which makes me want to mention, and I may have mentioned before, but in many ways, I torture myself with some of these low level journeys, as they can be more jarring than just being all the way in hyperspace; finding oneself in multiple places/states at once...)

Anyway, my sense of time was kind of gone. I'm not sure how long I was up, but the come down seemed to take much much longer than it usually does. So much so that I got myself into a little "trouble:" while reflecting on the beneficial nature of the experience, realizing how lucky I am to be able to have such an experience and all the implications that comes with (such as having the security to have a job that allows me to do what I need to obtain it, a safe space, etc), both my negativity bias and part of me that is "beyond myself" decided to pay a visit. I felt like I should have these experiences in many ways, as what if I were in some other "less favorable" life condition? And other such thoughts that are hard to express, but are nevertheless prevalent and powerful. Fortunately I was able to check this as not something I need to carry, but something I can just feel in the moment, and I'll continue to have these experiences because it's what I do.

I am very excited to try the 1:1:1 blend that I will be crafting in the near future.

One love
 
Well... that was weird, but I think I'm on to something.

I smoalked the batch that contains 300mg DMT, 1g harmalas, and 1g herbs.

Crushed it at work today (my team may be a little mad at me because I pushed them today, but they'll get over it; I wasn't rude and we have a schedule to keep). My body is achy and sore, but after a day like today, I thought it would be nice to treat myself by trying out this new batch.

Another one, where the duration seemed like it lasted forever. There was a point where I wasn't really engaged anymore, having been on the come-down for several minutes, and found myself just kneeling at my altar, patiently waiting for enough of a return to close the space and continue my evening.

I think this type of blend is more "medicinal" as it puts one immediately in touch with what's really "important" within oneself. I was expecting an experience more in line with smoalked harmalas; can be challenging, but is generally relaxing and heart opening, despite any sort of challenge. This was more on the challenging side, where one needs to "hold on tight" in some instances. I recall laying on my mat at the altar, arms folded over my chest with my hands on my shoulders. I had a significant energetic discharge where my body shook and convulsed. It was interesting how relieving but also draining that was.

Since it was my first time having an experience with this blend, it's a little hard to recall all that went on. I did think a lot about another current thread that I'm actively having a conversation in. I allowed the process to be what it was.

One love
 
@donfoolio I smoalked the 1:1:1 combo today...

I kept it "light" (because I had sat for a journeyer today that had a rough go, and because I need to work on my relationship with myself and my confidence; knowing is half the battle), at least that was the intent.

I had told myself early in the day "that I would hit the pipe intuitively" this go around. Just hit it until it felt right.

Then I hit it several more times, to my surprise.

What was memorable about this journey was a certain thought train: I started reflecting on "how many times, in these low dose experiences that I have partly as result of not being able to bring myself to go deeper, have I realized that I could've gone deeper?" The answer, "almost every single time."

My sense of time had a great deal of breadth; the experience seemed far longer than it actually was, and the comedown was nice and leisurely.

Progress made, another awesome blend.

Smoalk Moar

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
"how many times, in these low dose experiences that I have partly as result of not being able to bring myself to go deeper, have I realized that I could've gone deeper?" The answer, "almost every single time."
Click to expand...

Very well put. This is a constant struggle for me as well. It usually goes like this:

1.- I think "I'll have a journey"
2.- I'll go for a low dose first, to calm nerves and check if the time/mood is right.
3.- I realize that it is in fact right. I could have gone for a higher dose inmediately.
4.- Start making excuses in order to not go deeper: "It's late already / I'll do X chore first / Maybe tomorrow will be better..." Nonsense.
5.- I fall asleep, and postpone the real journey for another time.
6.- Rinse and repeat.

If I do this often, it will become easier to venture into the journeys. As soon as I stop it for a while (even a short while, like a week or two) It will become more difficult again.
 
Voidmatrix said:
Here's our 1:1:1. 700mg DMT, 700mg harmalas, and 700mg herbs.

One love
Click to expand...

Wow! This is a lot of liquid inside this jar. Is this IPA? Is there a special reason to use that much?

I am happy to hear from your voyage, I haven't prepared your batch recipe yet since I wait for some comrades to join me.

We started our personal psychedelic Hogwarts here, meeting and working in real life.
 
Voidmatrix said:
This is one of those instances where I wish these experiences were less fleeting, as a lot happened that I would like to retain.
Click to expand...
It's lovely to be able to contrast your recent reports like this.
Voidmatrix said:
Another one, where the duration seemed like it lasted forever.
Click to expand...
Of course, fleetingness of visions isn't the same as brevity or longevity of experience, but the sense of wish fulfilment from one to the next still tickled in a satisfying way. How was your experience on this point? It seems bolstered by the most recent one too:
Voidmatrix said:
My sense of time had a great deal of breadth; the experience seemed far longer than it actually was, and the comedown was nice and leisurely
Click to expand...

Looks like having a balanced arsenal of blends is a good and practical way forward, giving the option of finer-tuned experiences. Keep up the good work, it feels to me like you've been releasing some unnecessary pressure on yourself (but I'm hopelessly lazy, so take my observations with a bucket of salt).
 
@pantostao thank you so much for sharing your similar experience. It's such an oddity how we convince ourselves not to go any deeper. Like what's reallt behind that? Something I've been exploring for a while. I've been feeling better and more comfortable as of late which I think is an indicator I'm ready for something more.

@donfoolio it is IPA. I used that much because harmalas don't seem to dissolve as well as DMT and I put a whole gram in there. I also find having that much liquid also aids in even distribution of DMT and harmalas into the infused herbs.

@Transform Thank you. I thought it would make comparing trips easier, as I have a lot and post many.

I'm definitely more satisfied, and focusing on being so, instead of focusing on "what more" can be done, there is, etc. Sometimes the long ones are fleeting because of their length. It can just be too much content.

And thank you. Im really trying, but trying not to try too hard 😅 I think that's been part of my issue for a while.

One love
 
On our struggle, I think that feeling better and comfortable with oneself does help with this. I think too critically about myself as well, and that's probably the reason why.

Voidmatrix said:
@donfoolio it is IPA. I used that much because harmalas don't seem to dissolve as well as DMT and I put a whole gram in there. I also find having that much liquid also aids in even distribution of DMT and harmalas into the infused herbs.
Click to expand...

I've been using WAY less IPA than that, even for high amounts of harmalas. I believe I get a pretty even distribution with low amounts of alcohol, because the solution is evenly distributed at first, and the herbs soak it before it dries out. With high amounts of alcohol, I dont think the herbs can soak it all, and then it evaporates outside the herbs, leaving lots of actives in the bottom and sides of the jar.

I haven't tried your way, though, so I might be wrong. Have you tried using less IPA? I don't think its a solubility issue, my harmalas dissolve pretty easily in low amounts (not as easily as DMT though).
 
All the same, it's not like we don't have reason to think the way we do and that it hasn't served us in the past. It seems to be all about balance.

Interesting. I've always assumed that the molecules just sit on the herbs. I've never thought that they  become part of the herbs they're infused to. I think this partly due to considerations around sspecific amounts of particular herbs. Blue lotus for example is not very absorbent, so the DMT and harmalas sit on and are stuck to the blue lotus.

While mullein is more absorbent, it seems like there's more spaces throughout the fluffy herb for the DMT amd harmalas to sit.

I started using more ipa, when I noticed that harmalas would still be sitting at the bottom on a jar with alcohol herbs and DMT.

One love
 
I'd like to share a reflection of the passed few years and my journey with DMT and psychedelics. I was initially going to smoalk some changa, but this seems more wise and appropriate tonight. This may be a little all over the place.

Since I jumped in the deep end, with extreme and intense journeys early on on my psychedelic path, it was very unpleasant and unwelcome when I found myself unable to push myself to certain desired limits. I couldn't eat the same amount of mushrooms, I couldn't handle DMT, and I just straight avoided LSD. It was tough since psychedelics are so special to me.

But this was a gift.

Throughout my struggles, DMT repeatedly provided positive feedback and encouragement, but I couldn't believe it, similar to how it's hard to let love, compliments, positivity, etc in. This is where the growth point lies.

Where does this come from? Trauma, upbringing, mental health. The spotlight was on so many things, as well as the resultant self-loathing. I've always worked on self-awareness, but in this strange way where I'm aware of certain things while effectively dodging others. Well, dodging them for a time. I had to approach things head on. What I dodge is that which impacts my views of myself and the algorithms that influence certain blocks in thinking. An example, is in my worries, incessant worries, about how I may affect others, especially in discourse. Writing reminders and the sentence "I will practice not talking" thousands of times can be a damning programming activity.

Point is, while I admit, acknowledge and accept my past and trauma, I don't recognize it's magnitude of impact. I'm 35, and so much has bubbled to the surface.

I really should probably be back in therapy, all things considered, unfortunately, I don't have insurance or funds at the moment. Fortunately, I feel there's a lot that I can do for myself, especially now.

I had been so hard on myself, wanting better for myself, unable to "achieve" it, and then influenced by the pressures of the societal millieu; I felt I was failing for a while with respect to how I seem to be seen and what I'm told about myself. I think a lot of this was the fact that I didn't have a lot of positive influence with regard to having a proper view of myself to find a trajectory to move myself forward on; I mean, my mom does say I raised myself. Perhaps that's something to feel good about.

During this time of struggle, which I'm still somewhat in, it's a layer peeling process, I kept things light. I had occasional accidental depth journeys, but otherwise stayed too concerned over what "I could handle." A divide in esteem and confidence. There's also a negativity bias. I can have 10 wonderful journeys in a row, and one hard one, and that hard one will take the place of weight of importance of the first 10. Suddenly, it's that much more dangerous to get into these spaces.

I didn't trust myself. I didn't know how. I had been raised to think and feel that my decision process and decisions were never appropriate or good enough. I was robbed of self in a way that made it hard to be able to realize and recognize myself.

I was robbed of self. That was part of my trauma. I'm trying to retrieve that self.

In these low level journeys, I really had to sit with all of this. Because more autonomy is maintained in a lower dose, it opens up a really special exploratory space for this kind of reflection and inclement growth. It wouldn't have been as productive if I were able to breakthrough whenever I wanted. That would've delivered too much distracting intensity for the type of work I really needed to do on myself.

Again, these hang ups, these blocks, they were gifts. The most frustrating gifts ever. And for that I'm thankful.

I may add to this, but am blanking out on what more I wanted to say. Thank you for reading.

One love
 
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