Valmar
Esteemed member
f I didn't feel so sure of myself right now, I'd say I've truly lost it, haha.
It seems that there's a reason why I need to take a break from Ayahuasca... it would be dangerous for me to drink at the moment. It would obliterate my ego and send my truly insane. I didn't realize what Mother Ayahuasca meant then... but now, I know all too well; the intensity of my current experiences are best understood sober, because the Ayahuasca state also allows my Shadow to take over more easily, and so, ego inflation is a huge risk.
Yesterday, after having recovered fully from my Heart being mostly cleansed of blockages, my spirit guides told me that this afternoon would be an ordeal, of sorts, that I would need to pay close attention to. When I asked what it would be, they told me to be patient. I will now go on a slight tangent.
Since my Heart Chakra was cleansed, I've been working on communicating via pure intention. Because my ego is still feels rather imbalanced in certain ways, my spirit guides, without telling me why it was important at the time, wanted me to learn how to do the above. Gradually, I've understood why it's important. Because my ego interprets their intentions as words I can grasp, it can also distort them more readily. So, to bypass the confusion, working with pure, wordless intention allows me to grasp their meaning without limitation. It would also be working towards this experience, curiously. Whenever their words got jumbled in my mind, they would stop and do it again, via pure intention, which always came clearly and concisely, except when I was mentally worn out enough, which it something that I intuited to be the case.
Today, as I was walking home, I felt the inexplicable urge to focus on my Heart Chakra again, in a different way. I decided to manifest the energy I felt, as a blazing phoenix. Then, it took on a life of its own, now coming from my Solar Plexus Chakra. The phoenix explained itself as a manifestation of my deep personal power, beyond my ego, also being the source of my intuiton. I sensed that it also represented my power to change myself. Long before I had started using Ayahuasca, on 2015 new year's, I was with some friends, and had just finished smoking some Cannabis. I was sitting, quite stoned, when I had the vision of a phoenix flying towards me, striking me in the Solar Plexus region, sensations of warmth blazing from that area for a while. It told me I could access its power when needed, which I haven't used very often at all, and couldn't at all, during my major depression and anxiety. Also, a few weeks ago, when I was at the New Age shop where I buy my crystals, the lady there said she had the sudden feeling that I needed to research the Egyptian gods Ra and Horus. Together, these two gods are called Ra-Horakhty, whose symbol, funnily enough, is the phoenix. Mind-blowing, when I realized it, just now.
Then, I went through a range of realizations, of what the tiger, crow and phoenix could represent: the tiger being the earth, the phoenix being the sun, the crow being the moon... as I was having these realizations, with my chest being wrapped in this warmth from my Solar Plexus, as I walked past the tree that was nearby, I saw a crow, just sitting there quietly. Focusing on the significance of the crow being there, the phoenix then asked me what I thought of the entire string of events since I had my first spiritual experience. I decided to just accept it all as it was, because denying it as imagination was a useless endeavour, I felt. The phoenix told me it was simple; before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. I'm certainly far from enlightened... but, I knew what the phoenix was getting at.
I have had doubts... the experiences kept getting more and more profound, as if challenging my doubts and forcing me to accept the experiences for what they were, my spirit guides for what they were. My spirit guides asked me to meditate again, when I got home.
As I meditated, I underwent some emotional purging again, except this time, I personally took it too far. The effort left me completely bereft of energy and willpower, blank. I was so depleted, I didn't know who I was, seemingly. My spirit guides were concerned that I had gone a bit far. Luckily, they said, I hadn't burnt my Chakras at all. After some investigating of my body, they slowly infused me with energy, which took a while. Then, my Chakra centres and energy meridian points blazed with energy again. The energy meridian point energy felt mildly like pins and needles being stuck everywhere all over my body, and then plunged inwards.
The tiger spirit decided to show me something. I had a strong vision of a huge, iridescently green sun, which the tiger spirit was holding. I stared at it, in blank shock, wondering what exactly it was supposed to represent. The tiger spirit threw it at me, and it hit me squarely in the Heart Chakra. I started to realize what it was... Self-Love, again, but being shown more deeply than last time. As I wondered what to do, it suddenly wrapped around me and fully encased my body. It fully penetrated my being, flooding and overflowing my aura, exploding from my Heart Chakra, with a powerful green radience, with skeins of deep pink and deep purple mixed in. The sensations... were Divine. I have no words for the power of it. I feel mildly tired, but okay. My Crown Chakra has been mildly buzzing since then, pleasantly so.
After briefly wondering about it all, the phoenix appeared again, saying that it was simple, and repeated the phrase: before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. It said that everything had changed, and that nothing had changed. Puzzled, I said that it was a contradiction, and the phoenix replied that I was living one. This gave me quite the chuckle when I realized how true it was, that despite my deeply profound spiritual experiences, despite the fact that it has permanently marked me, my situation in the physical world hasn't changed. If I'm to make change, I must create it with my personal power. It will never be given to me on a silver platter. I've been given tools, but I must choose to use them. The doors are in front of me, but I must choose to unlock them with the keys I have been given, and walk through them. And to do that, I need unwavering courage to never give up, to keep going, no matter how many times I stumble and fall.
And despite it all, there is still the future danger of my ego going power-mad with claridade, with mystical inflation... and that is why Ayahuasca is so dangerous for my ego right now. Mother Ayahuasca knows, too... that's why she told me not to come back for a solid year. I can wait until August next year, despite my ego trying to tempt me to drink again too early already. My spirit guides won't let me do anything dangerous. That is where rigid discipline can actually be useful, for the time it is needed.
The tiger and crow spirits want me to use fully the power they represent and give... but if I am to do so without going insane from ego inflation, their prerequisite to that access is fully taming my ego, integrating my Shadow, and becoming my whole Self. They only let me access their powers that they know will not cause claridade.
I could not be more grateful for everything in my life... including the criticism.
It seems that there's a reason why I need to take a break from Ayahuasca... it would be dangerous for me to drink at the moment. It would obliterate my ego and send my truly insane. I didn't realize what Mother Ayahuasca meant then... but now, I know all too well; the intensity of my current experiences are best understood sober, because the Ayahuasca state also allows my Shadow to take over more easily, and so, ego inflation is a huge risk.
Yesterday, after having recovered fully from my Heart being mostly cleansed of blockages, my spirit guides told me that this afternoon would be an ordeal, of sorts, that I would need to pay close attention to. When I asked what it would be, they told me to be patient. I will now go on a slight tangent.
Since my Heart Chakra was cleansed, I've been working on communicating via pure intention. Because my ego is still feels rather imbalanced in certain ways, my spirit guides, without telling me why it was important at the time, wanted me to learn how to do the above. Gradually, I've understood why it's important. Because my ego interprets their intentions as words I can grasp, it can also distort them more readily. So, to bypass the confusion, working with pure, wordless intention allows me to grasp their meaning without limitation. It would also be working towards this experience, curiously. Whenever their words got jumbled in my mind, they would stop and do it again, via pure intention, which always came clearly and concisely, except when I was mentally worn out enough, which it something that I intuited to be the case.
Today, as I was walking home, I felt the inexplicable urge to focus on my Heart Chakra again, in a different way. I decided to manifest the energy I felt, as a blazing phoenix. Then, it took on a life of its own, now coming from my Solar Plexus Chakra. The phoenix explained itself as a manifestation of my deep personal power, beyond my ego, also being the source of my intuiton. I sensed that it also represented my power to change myself. Long before I had started using Ayahuasca, on 2015 new year's, I was with some friends, and had just finished smoking some Cannabis. I was sitting, quite stoned, when I had the vision of a phoenix flying towards me, striking me in the Solar Plexus region, sensations of warmth blazing from that area for a while. It told me I could access its power when needed, which I haven't used very often at all, and couldn't at all, during my major depression and anxiety. Also, a few weeks ago, when I was at the New Age shop where I buy my crystals, the lady there said she had the sudden feeling that I needed to research the Egyptian gods Ra and Horus. Together, these two gods are called Ra-Horakhty, whose symbol, funnily enough, is the phoenix. Mind-blowing, when I realized it, just now.
Then, I went through a range of realizations, of what the tiger, crow and phoenix could represent: the tiger being the earth, the phoenix being the sun, the crow being the moon... as I was having these realizations, with my chest being wrapped in this warmth from my Solar Plexus, as I walked past the tree that was nearby, I saw a crow, just sitting there quietly. Focusing on the significance of the crow being there, the phoenix then asked me what I thought of the entire string of events since I had my first spiritual experience. I decided to just accept it all as it was, because denying it as imagination was a useless endeavour, I felt. The phoenix told me it was simple; before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. I'm certainly far from enlightened... but, I knew what the phoenix was getting at.
I have had doubts... the experiences kept getting more and more profound, as if challenging my doubts and forcing me to accept the experiences for what they were, my spirit guides for what they were. My spirit guides asked me to meditate again, when I got home.
As I meditated, I underwent some emotional purging again, except this time, I personally took it too far. The effort left me completely bereft of energy and willpower, blank. I was so depleted, I didn't know who I was, seemingly. My spirit guides were concerned that I had gone a bit far. Luckily, they said, I hadn't burnt my Chakras at all. After some investigating of my body, they slowly infused me with energy, which took a while. Then, my Chakra centres and energy meridian points blazed with energy again. The energy meridian point energy felt mildly like pins and needles being stuck everywhere all over my body, and then plunged inwards.
The tiger spirit decided to show me something. I had a strong vision of a huge, iridescently green sun, which the tiger spirit was holding. I stared at it, in blank shock, wondering what exactly it was supposed to represent. The tiger spirit threw it at me, and it hit me squarely in the Heart Chakra. I started to realize what it was... Self-Love, again, but being shown more deeply than last time. As I wondered what to do, it suddenly wrapped around me and fully encased my body. It fully penetrated my being, flooding and overflowing my aura, exploding from my Heart Chakra, with a powerful green radience, with skeins of deep pink and deep purple mixed in. The sensations... were Divine. I have no words for the power of it. I feel mildly tired, but okay. My Crown Chakra has been mildly buzzing since then, pleasantly so.
After briefly wondering about it all, the phoenix appeared again, saying that it was simple, and repeated the phrase: before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water, after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. It said that everything had changed, and that nothing had changed. Puzzled, I said that it was a contradiction, and the phoenix replied that I was living one. This gave me quite the chuckle when I realized how true it was, that despite my deeply profound spiritual experiences, despite the fact that it has permanently marked me, my situation in the physical world hasn't changed. If I'm to make change, I must create it with my personal power. It will never be given to me on a silver platter. I've been given tools, but I must choose to use them. The doors are in front of me, but I must choose to unlock them with the keys I have been given, and walk through them. And to do that, I need unwavering courage to never give up, to keep going, no matter how many times I stumble and fall.
And despite it all, there is still the future danger of my ego going power-mad with claridade, with mystical inflation... and that is why Ayahuasca is so dangerous for my ego right now. Mother Ayahuasca knows, too... that's why she told me not to come back for a solid year. I can wait until August next year, despite my ego trying to tempt me to drink again too early already. My spirit guides won't let me do anything dangerous. That is where rigid discipline can actually be useful, for the time it is needed.
The tiger and crow spirits want me to use fully the power they represent and give... but if I am to do so without going insane from ego inflation, their prerequisite to that access is fully taming my ego, integrating my Shadow, and becoming my whole Self. They only let me access their powers that they know will not cause claridade.
I could not be more grateful for everything in my life... including the criticism.
