Hello. Greetings of peace and love to everyone here. I'm Hingyap, I'm in my early 30's and new to the world of psychedelics. Please bear with me as I fumble for words as English is not my first language.
My interest in Psychedelics, particularly DMT, started two years ago when I met a fellow anxiety-and-depression support group member who has tried DMT. He shared to me how it changed his life and greatly alleviated his anxiety and depression. Since then, I've been doing my research on entheogens, focusing on its potential as an alternative treatment for mental illness.
I have been suffering from Major Depressive Disorder since I was 16. Two years ago, I was also diagnosed with Bipolar II. It has been a very long and arduous battle and I see no hope in sight.
In those 15 years of struggle, I can never remember a year or a period of 6 months that I didn't have a major depressive episode. I've had two suicide attempts, been confined in four mental hospitals, been prescribed different combinations of medications, and had Electroconvulsive Therapy done on me when I was around 20 years old.
Three weeks ago, I had my first LSD trip. I was aware of the risk I took as I am still on medication (lamotrigine, escitalopram, clonazepam); I had only tapered down for one week before the said trip. It was a sublime experience, one of the best experiences of my life. It is, however, on a low dose of 300 micrograms and it's probably the reason I only reached level 3. Not to mention my long history of being on psychiatric medication. Moreover, I was on a depressive state during the time that when it came to the come-down part, around the 5th hour, I felt the current-mood-enhancement effect. The trip wasn't exactly life-changing but I place it up there in my top 3 best experiences of my life. Having said that, I still badly want, albeit not without anxiety, to experience level 4 or 5. I wish for ego death. I wish for rebirth.
And so just last week, I tried smoked DMT changa (no MAOI!). No effects. Only very very mild visuals that faded quickly. My friend smoked from the same batch; he said he had a breakthrough, but no ego death. His conclusion is that it was weaker than expected. As to why I didn't experience any effects, I chalk it up to my 15-years of taking tricyclic antidepressants and ssri's, and in the last two years, mood stabilizer and clonazepam. I was sad and frustrated but still hopeful that the next time I try DMT again, I'll experience what normal people experience.
My dilemma right now is that my current psychiatric medication is not working. I feel that the ssri's and mood stabilizers are of no help anymore. My doctor had started me on Aripripazole, an anti-psychotic, but I've decided to discontinue it because anti-psychotics, based on what I've read, cancel out the effects of psychedelics. Now I'm stuck between giving the anti-psychotics a chance or going the psychedelics path. I would like to know your thoughts on this. I do not know what to do. I do not want to deny myself of the full experience of psychedelics, particularly DMT. At the same time, the atypical anti-psychotics that my doctor has prescribed me might ('might' being the operative word) help somehow. And what complicates the situation more is that it's quite hard to obtain psychedelics here in my country. I probably have to wait 6 months before the source contacts me again.
I'm not counting on it to change my life or cure my illness, but the truth is psychedelics is what's giving me hope right now. I am still on a depressive state at the moment, unable to work, but the thought of my next psychedelic experience is what's keeping me from being suicidal again.
My interest in Psychedelics, particularly DMT, started two years ago when I met a fellow anxiety-and-depression support group member who has tried DMT. He shared to me how it changed his life and greatly alleviated his anxiety and depression. Since then, I've been doing my research on entheogens, focusing on its potential as an alternative treatment for mental illness.
I have been suffering from Major Depressive Disorder since I was 16. Two years ago, I was also diagnosed with Bipolar II. It has been a very long and arduous battle and I see no hope in sight.
In those 15 years of struggle, I can never remember a year or a period of 6 months that I didn't have a major depressive episode. I've had two suicide attempts, been confined in four mental hospitals, been prescribed different combinations of medications, and had Electroconvulsive Therapy done on me when I was around 20 years old.
Three weeks ago, I had my first LSD trip. I was aware of the risk I took as I am still on medication (lamotrigine, escitalopram, clonazepam); I had only tapered down for one week before the said trip. It was a sublime experience, one of the best experiences of my life. It is, however, on a low dose of 300 micrograms and it's probably the reason I only reached level 3. Not to mention my long history of being on psychiatric medication. Moreover, I was on a depressive state during the time that when it came to the come-down part, around the 5th hour, I felt the current-mood-enhancement effect. The trip wasn't exactly life-changing but I place it up there in my top 3 best experiences of my life. Having said that, I still badly want, albeit not without anxiety, to experience level 4 or 5. I wish for ego death. I wish for rebirth.
And so just last week, I tried smoked DMT changa (no MAOI!). No effects. Only very very mild visuals that faded quickly. My friend smoked from the same batch; he said he had a breakthrough, but no ego death. His conclusion is that it was weaker than expected. As to why I didn't experience any effects, I chalk it up to my 15-years of taking tricyclic antidepressants and ssri's, and in the last two years, mood stabilizer and clonazepam. I was sad and frustrated but still hopeful that the next time I try DMT again, I'll experience what normal people experience.
My dilemma right now is that my current psychiatric medication is not working. I feel that the ssri's and mood stabilizers are of no help anymore. My doctor had started me on Aripripazole, an anti-psychotic, but I've decided to discontinue it because anti-psychotics, based on what I've read, cancel out the effects of psychedelics. Now I'm stuck between giving the anti-psychotics a chance or going the psychedelics path. I would like to know your thoughts on this. I do not know what to do. I do not want to deny myself of the full experience of psychedelics, particularly DMT. At the same time, the atypical anti-psychotics that my doctor has prescribed me might ('might' being the operative word) help somehow. And what complicates the situation more is that it's quite hard to obtain psychedelics here in my country. I probably have to wait 6 months before the source contacts me again.
I'm not counting on it to change my life or cure my illness, but the truth is psychedelics is what's giving me hope right now. I am still on a depressive state at the moment, unable to work, but the thought of my next psychedelic experience is what's keeping me from being suicidal again.
