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Cosmic Jury Summons with Bonus Picomelon

R

RivenAyla

Esteemed member
I love that forums still exist. I was a long time lurker, maybe a post here and there, on the old forums. I learned so much. At that time, this whole endeavor seemed unreachable-- accessible only with a chemsitry degree and lab. But I persisted, and had always been good in the kitchen, and before too long, the right TEK knowledge came, and a long and beautiful journey began for me, that healed so much so fast and left me with gifts that I can close my eyes and feel instantly.

It sounds like we all get that "it's time to hang up for now" message and I was no different. A couple years have passed and I was sure this part was "the after" where, now that I'd had the understanding that surpasses all understanding, I'd be good to the end of this life as far as coping, accepting, adjusting perspective, and well, thriving.

That is, until a few months ago, and I began to have familiar sensations and echoes and almost a wave toward the old path. A "see you soon, we'll leave the light on" sensation that came sometimes in dreams, sometimes against the back of my eyelids in strong sunlight, sometimes while loading the dishwasher. I answered internally that no, I was good, all clear here.

But then something awful, something big, something not-take backable happened to my one and only child. Not death, but something with teeth, something that is holding on. I thought I had felt the deepest pains that life had to offer, sweetened and mitagated by the joys mingled throughout as well as the deep new knowledge centers that had opened to me on my solitary kitchen witch sciencing.

So I feel like they are there waiting and welcoming me, and I can feel them reaching out wanting to help. I feel weak not being able to handle this on my own. I feel greedy wanting a second helping of miracle. I guess I feel like the medicine is right here in my hand and I am so unworthy to receive it, that I didn't listen closely enough in the past.

I guess I just wanted to say that, and you know, it feels good--- the helpers in my life right now are doing just that-- helping-- but I can't say to them what I can say to you--it's time to go back and I'm scared, and I don't know how to begin to prepare my set and setting to process through something as big and terrifying as what's in my life right now.

Anybody been there? Thought they learned all there was to know and then gone ass over teakettle?

It feels like a cosmic jury summons, and I've developed a strange affinity for these tiny Mexican candies called Picomelon, which are basically gummy balls covered in chili, lime, and salt. They are spectacular and atrocious all at once. Like many things in life I suppose.
 
RivenAyla,

Welcome to formal membership in the Nexus.

That was a very powerful and moving introduction that you wrote and I want to thank you for sharing so deeply.

I am so sorry that you are being tested so severely right now and I sincerely hope that things resolve in a positive manner with your child.

As an older tripper and member here I have noticed that "the call" can come in waves, at different times in the developmental journey we call life. I thought I was DONE with these medicines in my 20's until a midlife crisis called me back to them in my 40's. That was a long time ago. The trials and the calls continue to come.

I wrote the above just to indicate that I am feeling a modicum of empathy for your current position.

I think calls back to the medicine should be attended to but I also feel set and setting are of utmost importance. If set and setting are not ideal currently I would counsel holding off on the journey.

Also, it is worth saying, you don't need to dive head first into a deep trench of experience. In fact there is nothing wrong with starting with lower doses or different entheogens, such as mushrooms.

And one more thing: if you do get back to tripping and it really has been a years/decades long break, try not to be surprised if things are different from what you recall. You have grown and changed and you bring something more/different to the experience which means there is a good chance it will bring something different to you.

Regardless, a warm welcome to you and wishes for you to find what you seek in this ongoing journey.
 
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RivenAyla said:
I love that forums still exist. I was a long time lurker, maybe a post here and there, on the old forums. I learned so much. At that time, this whole endeavor seemed unreachable-- accessible only with a chemsitry degree and lab. But I persisted, and had always been good in the kitchen, and before too long, the right TEK knowledge came, and a long and beautiful journey began for me, that healed so much so fast and left me with gifts that I can close my eyes and feel instantly.

It sounds like we all get that "it's time to hang up for now" message and I was no different. A couple years have passed and I was sure this part was "the after" where, now that I'd had the understanding that surpasses all understanding, I'd be good to the end of this life as far as coping, accepting, adjusting perspective, and well, thriving.

That is, until a few months ago, and I began to have familiar sensations and echoes and almost a wave toward the old path. A "see you soon, we'll leave the light on" sensation that came sometimes in dreams, sometimes against the back of my eyelids in strong sunlight, sometimes while loading the dishwasher. I answered internally that no, I was good, all clear here.

But then something awful, something big, something not-take backable happened to my one and only child. Not death, but something with teeth, something that is holding on. I thought I had felt the deepest pains that life had to offer, sweetened and mitagated by the joys mingled throughout as well as the deep new knowledge centers that had opened to me on my solitary kitchen witch sciencing.

So I feel like they are there waiting and welcoming me, and I can feel them reaching out wanting to help. I feel weak not being able to handle this on my own. I feel greedy wanting a second helping of miracle. I guess I feel like the medicine is right here in my hand and I am so unworthy to receive it, that I didn't listen closely enough in the past.

I guess I just wanted to say that, and you know, it feels good--- the helpers in my life right now are doing just that-- helping-- but I can't say to them what I can say to you--it's time to go back and I'm scared, and I don't know how to begin to prepare my set and setting to process through something as big and terrifying as what's in my life right now.

Anybody been there? Thought they learned all there was to know and then gone ass over teakettle?

It feels like a cosmic jury summons, and I've developed a strange affinity for these tiny Mexican candies called Picomelon, which are basically gummy balls covered in chili, lime, and salt. They are spectacular and atrocious all at once. Like many things in life I suppose
Click to expand...

Even though we've never met Id like to let you know I'm proud of your story as it pertains to dmt. You've grown, matured, and now you question "should I leave this miracle be?"

Your story is almost word for word my own experience. I lurked for almost a decade, I got involved, did some 20-30 sub break through trips and at some point I realized it was causing a legitimate delamination of my understanding of concensus reality. I was literally losing my mind and questioning every little thing. Questioning if things were real, stuck in this weird cycle of intense nihilism and weird spell of being terrified of death yet equally terrified to live.

I put it down for a while, almost a year I want to say.

I find it interesting you mention the phone ringing. "Coming up" on psychelica I was taught "get the message hangup the phone".

I've started using it again, somewhat sparingly and responsibly and mostly to abort intense otherwise unmanaged headaches. But I can sincerely say I've heard it calling 🤙 and I've also heard it say "put me down" while literally in my hand ready to go.

This last week I said "tonight's time night I try harmalas with dmt for the first time" for 4 nights. The first three nights I was mentally prepared and at the last second I felt this sensation of being told to be patient. The fourth day I actually did try it and while it did infact relieve my pain and reduce my attacks for the last several days I didn't go nearly as deep as I had anticipated. Almost like a lock out. The door was open but there was a chain lock on it so to say.

My recommendation?
Clean house physically and mentally
Practice gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness.
Prepare yourself for the unknown
Practice unconditional surrender.

Do what ever you need to do to feel comfortable with essentially swimming into the wide open ocean totally alone without a plan to come back. Because at the end of the day we never know what's really on the other side of that portal we go through each time we blast off.

Best of luck, thank you so much for sharing. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who experiences this.

I too enjoy. Spicy dulces like picomelon and I find your description incredibly funny and apt. There's duality to everything in life

<3NeitherHere
 
NeitherHere said:
Even though we've never met Id like to let you know I'm proud of your story as it pertains to dmt. You've grown, matured, and now you question "should I leave this miracle be?"

Your story is almost word for word my own experience. I lurked for almost a decade, I got involved, did some 20-30 sub break through trips and at some point I realized it was causing a legitimate delamination of my understanding of concensus reality. I was literally losing my mind and questioning every little thing. Questioning if things were real, stuck in this weird cycle of intense nihilism and weird spell of being terrified of death yet equally terrified to live.

I put it down for a while, almost a year I want to say.

I find it interesting you mention the phone ringing. "Coming up" on psychelica I was taught "get the message hangup the phone".

I've started using it again, somewhat sparingly and responsibly and mostly to abort intense otherwise unmanaged headaches. But I can sincerely say I've heard it calling 🤙 and I've also heard it say "put me down" while literally in my hand ready to go.

This last week I said "tonight's time night I try harmalas with dmt for the first time" for 4 nights. The first three nights I was mentally prepared and at the last second I felt this sensation of being told to be patient. The fourth day I actually did try it and while it did infact relieve my pain and reduce my attacks for the last several days I didn't go nearly as deep as I had anticipated. Almost like a lock out. The door was open but there was a chain lock on it so to say.

My recommendation?
Clean house physically and mentally
Practice gratitude, unconditional love, and forgiveness.
Prepare yourself for the unknown
Practice unconditional surrender.

Do what ever you need to do to feel comfortable with essentially swimming into the wide open ocean totally alone without a plan to come back. Because at the end of the day we never know what's really on the other side of that portal we go through each time we blast off.

Best of luck, thank you so much for sharing. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who experiences this.

I too enjoy. Spicy dulces like picomelon and I find your description incredibly funny and apt. There's duality to everything in life

<3NeitherHere
Click to expand...
Thank you so much for this. Your advice, to clean house in all ways is the direction I’m pulled.

I enjoyed hearing about your own journey. So much.

Not being in any “scene” with peers who also partake in DMT wisdom I often feel isolated. Being in a very remote area doesn’t help.

I tend to be very private and I don’t think I ever did an intro post on the old forum. I’m glad I did here.

I’m really jaded, like many of us are I think of putting time into others on the internet.

Perhaps that’s why I’m so moved that people here think deeply and share.

I could feel your sincere feelings through the screen and that’s so, so rare.

Thank you again for making me feel less alone, and understood, and giving your best advice.
 
There is sincerity and wisdom in these posts. Thank you for sharing. I did not think I would do any psychedelics again, and I had not partake in any since around 2010 sometime.. I was not in a hurry to, either. I'd always been curious about DMT, though. The transcendental immersiveness, combined with the relatively short duration of the experience for both things appeal to me. I once did a whole whack of liquid acid, and I was high for a day and a half, and that was too long. I also quit alcohol- I became an alcoholic- and smoking weed, I had been smoking about five big joints to my head everyday before I quit.

I had been very clean for about three and a half years - I take a dose of THC at night to help me sleep, but it is the last thing I do before I lay down, it really helps, because I used to wake up after a couple hours, but I do not party with substances anymore- until I was at a friend of a friend's place and he said he had a pen with DMT in it. They were partying. I went back there a few days later, after thinking about it.. he offered it, and I tried it. It has been very beneficial to me.

After years of thinking about it, it presented itself, I smoked it, and I am very happy I did.. and very happy that I did not do it sooner! I don't know if I could have handled it without years of relative sobriety and Decades of deep thought and meditation. I have used it seven times so far, have my own Supply now, and have found it to be a very powerful Ally in many ways. The most important way is by helping to increase the depth, speed, and efficacy of my healing Journey.
 


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