I am thankful for a new emdr therapist who is able to work with me weekly. I like her a lot and was impressed by the first full on session using the modality. Like with any modality, starting slow is usually the modus operandi, especially when a client/therapist relationship is first being forged. Accessing such raw complex emotional states requires vulnerability and trust on behalf of the one suffering. As well as sensitivity and projection-free engagement by the therapist. It's unfortunate that people get taken advantage of in these dynamics and my heart goes out to them.
I am too thankful for the therapeutic capacities of entheogenic plant materials when consumed respectfully, mindfully, and intelligently. Integration continues to be the most challenging element to my practice though did experience some new light being thrown in some dark hidden scary murky areas recently. What's under the latter most subject of my post title is an unloved, neglected, shattered, angry, frustrated, fragmented, and confused little boy. On the one hand I can be brutally hard on myself for being a degenerate for much of my life whilst also acknowledging both my guilt and innocence in the matter. Healing is never too late nor too soon and I am lucky to still be breathing.
Grooves that develop neurologically as a result of energy going in a single direction over and over again can no doubt be a real challenge to change. Chemical dependices, potential dopamine/serotonin imbalances, a lack of loving meaningful relationships, eating disorders, screen misuse, and other effects continue to be puzzle pieces in need of refitting. Societally it does appear, not to broach conspiratorial topics as I appreciate this isn't the place for it, that there is a gross neglect of widely available genuine support structures to address the root causes of trauma.
I've been to rehab twice in this life the first time at age sixteen the second at a couple of decades later. Both times tolerable addictions such as tobacco, caffeine, and sugar were not only present but present in great quantities. Many of the individuals in roles of care are often deeply addicted to these substances yet preach sobriety and health. Not to mention poor quality food most always being all that is available. Lots of money can provide levels of care far superior however the reality is not all of us have such a luxury to afford such options. The prescribed fix appeared to be a life long (addiction?) to meetings that in my experience certainly didn't offer aide to the deep underlying causal root structure of my cPTSD.
I've yet to be officially diagnosed with any disorder and to be quite frank have feared it for the past several years. Diagnosis is scary to me as I don't believe in the terminality of any diss-ease in mind/body short of disfigurement. With that said it is screamingly evident that I suffer from serious past traumatic events which generated to this day complex issues in my mind and body. Neurosis is pain unaddressed. Neurosis is caused by trauma. Trauma creates blockages of bio energetic flow somatically. So then logically the solution is integrating the trauma so that the bioenergy can flow which bridges the gap of the fissure of disassociation caused by the pang.
Neurosis is also creativity blocked which brings to my awareness the logic behind Creation generating Creators that are designed to Create. A lack of creativity regardless of the form can appear to cause a stale mating of ones true incarnative creative capacities. Me personally I find myself at a stage wherein I continue to self medicate which is increasingly reaching the absolute end of its rope. As I lay off of x/y/z (let's say caffeine, screen addiction, and kratom) I can find myself in complexly emotional states of frustration, confusion, sadness, pain, irritation, and obviously depression. Afixating on the injustices in the world through the Internet can additionally drive nails in the metaphorical coffin as misery loves company. Activism can certainly be a creative mode of engagement in the world though I'm certain can never be effectually actualized without hammering first ones balance, health, center, faith, will, and stability.
I recall a quote which suggests that nothing great of mortals comes without first a great curse. If one fails to bring forth what is within one might drown but if one succeeds in bringing it forth one will succeed in their lives. No branches may reach into heaven without first having roots deeply rooted in hell. (Sophocles, unknown, and Carl Jung). Also worth mentioning is the Krishnamurti quote of that it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. How right he was. Many today have and would deem me as a worthless failure underachiever worthy of ostracizing or worse. It is to this fakakta I reject however no doubt it is a sort of a curse/burden to be powerless to effectually reconcile/correct.
ADHD wouldn't be the least but surprising to be diagnosed with though I haven't accepted it, researched it sufficiently, nor sought professional help surrounding it. My new emdr therapist, who is fortunately pro entheotherapy, I am confident can help me further explore these symptomatic responses to my past complex trauma. Though ADHD may arise thorough other causes I am sure.
This can be my thread of exploring my ongoing working on myself through all of the modalities that might aide in the manifestion of a transformation of my fragmented self. Thanks for reading and take care
I am too thankful for the therapeutic capacities of entheogenic plant materials when consumed respectfully, mindfully, and intelligently. Integration continues to be the most challenging element to my practice though did experience some new light being thrown in some dark hidden scary murky areas recently. What's under the latter most subject of my post title is an unloved, neglected, shattered, angry, frustrated, fragmented, and confused little boy. On the one hand I can be brutally hard on myself for being a degenerate for much of my life whilst also acknowledging both my guilt and innocence in the matter. Healing is never too late nor too soon and I am lucky to still be breathing.
Grooves that develop neurologically as a result of energy going in a single direction over and over again can no doubt be a real challenge to change. Chemical dependices, potential dopamine/serotonin imbalances, a lack of loving meaningful relationships, eating disorders, screen misuse, and other effects continue to be puzzle pieces in need of refitting. Societally it does appear, not to broach conspiratorial topics as I appreciate this isn't the place for it, that there is a gross neglect of widely available genuine support structures to address the root causes of trauma.
I've been to rehab twice in this life the first time at age sixteen the second at a couple of decades later. Both times tolerable addictions such as tobacco, caffeine, and sugar were not only present but present in great quantities. Many of the individuals in roles of care are often deeply addicted to these substances yet preach sobriety and health. Not to mention poor quality food most always being all that is available. Lots of money can provide levels of care far superior however the reality is not all of us have such a luxury to afford such options. The prescribed fix appeared to be a life long (addiction?) to meetings that in my experience certainly didn't offer aide to the deep underlying causal root structure of my cPTSD.
I've yet to be officially diagnosed with any disorder and to be quite frank have feared it for the past several years. Diagnosis is scary to me as I don't believe in the terminality of any diss-ease in mind/body short of disfigurement. With that said it is screamingly evident that I suffer from serious past traumatic events which generated to this day complex issues in my mind and body. Neurosis is pain unaddressed. Neurosis is caused by trauma. Trauma creates blockages of bio energetic flow somatically. So then logically the solution is integrating the trauma so that the bioenergy can flow which bridges the gap of the fissure of disassociation caused by the pang.
Neurosis is also creativity blocked which brings to my awareness the logic behind Creation generating Creators that are designed to Create. A lack of creativity regardless of the form can appear to cause a stale mating of ones true incarnative creative capacities. Me personally I find myself at a stage wherein I continue to self medicate which is increasingly reaching the absolute end of its rope. As I lay off of x/y/z (let's say caffeine, screen addiction, and kratom) I can find myself in complexly emotional states of frustration, confusion, sadness, pain, irritation, and obviously depression. Afixating on the injustices in the world through the Internet can additionally drive nails in the metaphorical coffin as misery loves company. Activism can certainly be a creative mode of engagement in the world though I'm certain can never be effectually actualized without hammering first ones balance, health, center, faith, will, and stability.
I recall a quote which suggests that nothing great of mortals comes without first a great curse. If one fails to bring forth what is within one might drown but if one succeeds in bringing it forth one will succeed in their lives. No branches may reach into heaven without first having roots deeply rooted in hell. (Sophocles, unknown, and Carl Jung). Also worth mentioning is the Krishnamurti quote of that it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. How right he was. Many today have and would deem me as a worthless failure underachiever worthy of ostracizing or worse. It is to this fakakta I reject however no doubt it is a sort of a curse/burden to be powerless to effectually reconcile/correct.
ADHD wouldn't be the least but surprising to be diagnosed with though I haven't accepted it, researched it sufficiently, nor sought professional help surrounding it. My new emdr therapist, who is fortunately pro entheotherapy, I am confident can help me further explore these symptomatic responses to my past complex trauma. Though ADHD may arise thorough other causes I am sure.
This can be my thread of exploring my ongoing working on myself through all of the modalities that might aide in the manifestion of a transformation of my fragmented self. Thanks for reading and take care
