Exploring PTSD and Potential ADHD

[Voidmatrix]

I'd like to explore PTSD and potential ADHD. Part of me being more compassionate with myself (instead of thinking I'm simply undisciplined, lazy, etc).

I have a diagnosis of PTSD (that may be CPTSD). I was in denial about it for years, thinking that I hadn't been through anything "that bad." That's not very compassionate. I'm flipping the script on that presently. I'm concerned with this as my social experiences seem to be diminishing and/or not going well. One thing in particular is this experience of spectating myself getting hot and bothered in conversation over things that are relatively harmless. I manage this well, but the internal experience and thoughts therein are not what I'd like them to be. I had assumed that this was just because I'm deeply philosophic and passionate about it and so am very particular, but it seems to be more than that, or being a highly sensitive person. There are other things as well, but I'm focusing on this at the moment.

I do not have a diagnosis of ADHD. I would still like to explore it as I feel I may have it. I do plan on seeing a therapist once I have insurance and the funds to do so again. However, there are certain things that seem to be getting worse with age, such as centered focus (without any other external stimuli), easily bored, drained, generally scatter-brained, and "unproductive" and "inconsistent." It got worse when I dropped certain habits like journaling and reading everyday. I still meditate daily. Granted, I've been overwhelmed for a while, don't sleep the best, and do experience depression as well.

This is me just taking some kind of step forward. While this is all on my mind right now, I'm actually doing pretty well today.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I'm not trying to start a collection, but it just seems like new things keep fitting into the mold that makes the entire situation make more sense.

After I quit my fulltime job back in December, I thought I'd start feeling better and doing better in some ways, being able to concentrate more, having a working working memory, motivation, etc.

Nope.

Burnout.

I can't even keep track of my thoughts half the time. And I really feel like it's shown a lot in my posting over the passed several years as I end up more and more entrenched in the throes of whatever I'm experiencing. So many of my posts take me so much longer to write. Organizing my thoughts is simply hard on a regular basis.

The huge gaps in my memory...

I'm writing this on 4 hours of sleep. I'm regularly not sleeping anymore than 5 hours.

And there's so reciprocal action occurring; I already have "doube-depression," PTSD, and very likely ADHD, which can all affect the experience of burnout and burnout can affect the experience of "double-depression," PTSD, and ADHD.

The frustration and rage i feel...

It's an echo chamber, a perpetuating cycle, a catch-22.

Silver lining is, I'm not getting dumber... and I may not even seem as slow as I feel like I do.

Did I mention the constant annoyance of trying to find the right words?

And I think the lesson here, if I can put it into a syntax that aligns with how I really feel, I need to be better about I putting myself first, which will be hard. And reducing stress, which will also be hard (especially in an economy that is only inflating and I'm not making much of money right now).

Not necessarily seeking advice, just needed to get this out.

One love

 

[🌺🔥🫧]

Brotha, I know EXACTLY what you r saying

It’s more painful to stop than to continue, but stopping transforms faster than continuing.

WHAT DOESNT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGAAAA
Or whatever, wait

WHAT KILLS YOU MAKES YOU A LOVAAAAA

This is the pool of sacred tears
*drama music* Laaaaaa!!!!, La La La, LaLaaaaaa….
where ooguay uncovered the elements of harmony, and focuss
*gasp!!!!

 

[Voidmatrix]

A further reflection that relates to how I came to the point of burnout...

One thing I noticed is that the view of myself likely makes me look like an a**hole sometimes. Sometimes people tell me things, and I wonder why they're telling me, and I'm sure it shows because I can only hide so much... They may have no other reason than just wanting to talk to me. People seem to have some admiration for the person I am, but I don't have that admiration, so end up confused. People want to talk to and share things with people they like, trust, appreciate, etc... duh!

Now, I'm all sorts of caught up by what I shared... shows there's work to do. I should be able to admit certain things about myself for crying out loud.

I remember, this one time, at band camp (not really), where a friend and I were talking and he made a comment about how no one is a villain in their own story... oh yeah? There are ways in which I am the villain of my own story. More aptly, I am the villain of my own story by virtue of my mental health issues and how those have impacted my mind and my position with myself.

There's an element of abject cruelty in me that is directed towards me.

So, I'm reflecting on something while pushing an edge by what I want to share...

I think I've mentioned that I tend to be confused by what others see in me... and the universe, or Eshu, or Legba, or Hermes or something seems to be "trying" to communicate with me... or is trying to play games.

Here's what I mean; I think at least three times in the past week and a half someone has made some comment to me about being a "super hero" (to which my head wants to explode with confusion) with the last one being today where a girl driving a large truck wanted impart me with that information among other sentiments, kind of almost hitting another car in the process... I'm not sure what I did or what she saw that precipitated this. I just tried to take in the compliment with gratitude and appreciation and grace, while also looking in the direction she was driving to get her to do a little more of the same. :lol:

Today I helped my friend and tattoo artist move a refrigerator out of his house and a new one in. During some conversation, while talking about my present experience (I wasn't in a very good mood), he made mention of "imagine doing that for 20 years," with regard to working a lot. I felt two things here: 1. Invalidated and 2. That I was inadvertently inconsiderate of his history. Neither of which were true. This is important. This is a reflection point towards change. I made mention and apologized and he asked why, when our situations aren't comparable (though I thought that's what he was doing). As we went on, I made mention of how I just feel like I'm a weak person and maybe I shouldn't be venting about my burnout... maybe I shouldn't have burnout... WHAT?!?!

I also told my mom that I sometimes question if I deserve the love I get...

This kind of thinking is what has led me to this point because if we're being real, I've been experiencing this and watching is grow into a cancerous sore to my soul, since the pandemic. So, it's been snowballing for around 5 years... and now I'm defunct... But let's take a step back. What are my expectations of myself? How do these expectations decouple me from taking care of my needs? Am I even aware of these needs in a specific way? For the first one, too damn high, obviously... For the second and third... I just know they have decoupled me from my needs, and that I am not too aware of what my needs really are. I push and push because I don't feel I've pushed enough when I've probably pushed too far and too hard... but that's not how it feels. Where is the line? And how often do I operate over it? How do I come to be less hard on and with myself when I struggle to identify when it is the case? I think I'm getting there in ways, but sometimes I'm just very confused.

I think compassionately, and repeatedly, understanding and reunderstanding my perception and experience of the gravity of my situation for me can be good...

Silver lining, while also a double-edge, I'm "high functioning" which means things still "get done," but it also entails not being able to tell when I need help or many others when I really need help (though I think people do see this, but also see that I'm intense, and wait for me to ask, though I rarely do).

There were some more examples I was going to add, but now I'm uncomfortable. I've pushed the edge enough :lol:

Round and round we go... :

Thank you for putting up with me (is that perpetuating more of the same?)



One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

I cant resist this one.

So, we have this recognition that you push yourself beyond what its actually healthy for you, partially because there is this blindness from what your needs and limits could be, partially out of cruelty, partially out of feeling that its never enough.
Which does contrast with the knowledge that you do want to be taking care of yourself in some way but it can be hard and confusing to recognize when or even how.
If the sensors to recognize your needs are there, you are at the very least having a hard time getting their signals.

Would you say you respect yourself?
What exactly are you pushing yourself towards to? Whats the goal?

And then we get to the cruel part where I get the sense that there might be some straight up self hatred into the mix, you are your own bully, your own scapegoat.

Is the feeling of villainousness directed to the way you treat yourself?

Finally we have the external universe which goes the completely other way around and showers you with over the top compliments, love and appreciation.
Yo see a villain, the universe sees a hero.
Cant have one without the other.

I felt two things here: 1. Invalidated and 2. That I was inadvertently inconsiderate of his history. Neither of which were true.T his is important. This is a reflection point towards change.

This one is confusing to me. What do you recognize here needs change?

For that last part it almost sounds like the cost of being "high functioning" is precisely not being able to face the true gravity of the situation.

Does all of this sound fair to you?

 

[Voidmatrix]

I cant resist this one.

All good. You and I have danced a lot.

So, we have this recognition that you push yourself beyond what its actually healthy for you, partially because there is this blindness from what your needs and limits could be, partially out of cruelty, partially out of feeling that its never enough.
Which does contrast with the knowledge that you do want to be taking care of yourself in some way but it can be hard and confusing to recognize when or even how.
If the sensors to recognize your needs are there, you are at the very least having a hard time getting their signals.

Seems to be how the party swings within me.

Would you say you respect yourself?
What exactly are you pushing yourself towards to? Whats the goal?

Good question, and I can't readily answer it with a definite answer. I'd would say that it seems like I don't. There are many examples, but one is how it's a guilt ridden process that I have to clear whenever I put myself first.

Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing myself on behalf of others, not me, and so I don't know what I'm moving towards because I'm too busy helping others. I think about my full-time job where I was pretty much the main work horse, partly due to an overbearing boss, and I felt like I had to cover all the bases, especially the bases for those that couldn't work as fast. So some of that was environmental. I'd like to live a life with the stability necessary to be on my own while also being able to still take care of my mom and sister, even if that entails simply providing them financial support.

And then we get to the cruel part where I get the sense that there might be some straight up self hatred into the mix, you are your own bully, your own scapegoat.

Yes, I would agree. Something I got called out on in the forum a few years ago if memory serves me correctly.

Is the feeling of villainousness directed to the way you treat yourself?

I'd say yes in the ways in which I deprive myself. One way I've been pushing back against that is by smoalking moar, because we all know how I am and feel about that.

Finally we have the external universe which goes the completely other way around and showers you with over the top compliments, love and appreciation.
Yo see a villain, the universe sees a hero.
Cant have one without the other.

So then do I keep being the villain to myself in order to be the hero for others? I may be willing to take that hit, for I am just one and the many are many. And who knows maybe it's a way of mitigating the saying "you can die a hero or live long enough to become the villain."

This one is confusing to me. What do you recognize here needs change?

Change the viewing of myself as weak that in turn views certain statements as I initially view the one that this response is about.

For that last part it almost sounds like the cost of being "high functioning" is precisely not being able to face the true gravity of the situation.

I'm not sure about that one. It's hard to avoid or not face something if you can't recognize it. High functioning is similar to functional alcoholism; people see you function and think you're fine when you really need help.

One love

 

[rkba]

"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend."

--Bruce Lee

We think we are the mold, but we are like water. The mold is just a shape draped over us.

It may not be easy, but we can change the mold that holds us. Maybe even become moldless.

 

[ShadedSelf]

I guess a lot could have changed in a week, but here we go if you are up for it:

So you push yourself to benefit others.
Do you derive any sense of joy or purpose out of pushing yourself that way? Like, what do you feel in that process? Do you feel guilty if you dont do it?

Right, others come at the cost of you, and what Im sort of getting here is that you are basically okay with that. Youll gladly take one for the team.
Doesnt that sound weirdly validating? You get to be the villain... and the hero.

I get that helping others is part of who you are, and what Im sorta seeing here is that so is being the villain, somehow this feels like a choice to me, on some level anyways.
That might not make a lot of sense to you.

What internal rule are you breaking when you put yourself first?

Yes, I would agree. Something I got called out on in the forum a few years ago if memory serves me correctly.

So, how do you feel about this? How does it feel to treat yourself and be treated by yourself this way? Are you resentful in some way?

 

[Voidmatrix]

Do you derive any sense of joy or purpose out of pushing yourself that way? Like, what do you feel in that process? Do you feel guilty if you dont do it?

As I read this question the analogy of the addict comes to mind where the addict doesn't keep using to get high but in order to hinder feeling horrible. In my case, It's something that feels "right" to do and so if I don't do what's "right" then I feel guilty. However, I think there are times where it feels good, but is quickly muddied by the curiosity of whether such good feeling is a sign of ego.

Right, others come at the cost of you, and what Im sort of getting here is that you are basically okay with that. Youll gladly take one for the team.
Doesnt that sound weirdly validating? You get to be the villain... and the hero.

It's the cross I bear. I suppose I'd rather suffer alone if I know no one else is suffering...
And I have to explore the potential feelings of validation. Such an amalgam does align with me feeling/being told that I am enigmatic.

I get that helping others is part of who you are, and what Im sorta seeing here is that so is being the villain, somehow this feels like a choice to me, on some level anyways.
That might not make a lot of sense to you.

It's likely subconscious and something that requires some aligning, but I don't think that you're wrong. I'm a "conduit of balance," which means often times what I appeal to in a given moment relies greatly on the context of said moment.

What internal rule are you breaking when you put yourself first?

I suppose a maxim that I should be selfless, to put it simply... so much for that

So, how do you feel about this? How does it feel to treat yourself and be treated by yourself this way? Are you resentful in some way?

It's a perpetuating cycle that I can only break by breaking some of my own rules which can sometimes perpetuate the cycle further. But it feels crappy (and I don't feel like it's all "me"), and yes, there is some resentment and I'm working on forgiveness.

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

As I read this question the analogy of the addict comes to mind where the addict doesn't keep using to get high but in order to hinder feeling horrible. In my case, It's something that feels "right" to do and so if I don't do what's "right" then I feel guilty. However, I think there are times where it feels good, but is quickly muddied by the curiosity of whether such good feeling is a sign of ego.

Right, its addictive, regulatory, it gets you away from that horrible feeling.
Doesnt actually sound like it lines up that much with who you are, its the "right" thing to do, not necessarily the right thing to do.

Is the horrible feeling the guilt or is there something else in there?

I suppose a maxim that I should be selfless, to put it simply... so much for that

Do you agree with that rule?
I get the sense that there are a lot of parts of you that want completely different, and even contradictory, things.

It's a perpetuating cycle that I can only break by breaking some of my own rules which can sometimes perpetuate the cycle further. But it feels crappy (and I don't feel like it's all "me"), and yes, there is some resentment and I'm working on forgiveness.

Beautiful.
Right? Even the very act of trying to stop it is playing into it. Its like trying to accept yourself by rejecting your own rejection of yourself, tricky.
How does the cycle perpetuate itself? How does it work?
And, how do we stop this?

 

[Voidmatrix]

Doesnt actually sound like it lines up that much with who you are, its the "right" thing to do, not necessarily the right thing to do.

Can you elaborate more on what you mean?

I will say that I throw my fair share of monkey wrenches, but there's usually a purpose. There may also a part of me that fights against, doing the "right" thing seeing as my father had a mandate of "do only what you know is right," so there is some animosity towards it.

Is the horrible feeling the guilt or is there something else in there?

I suppose there's also negative feelings related to worth. Likely more as well.

Do you agree with that rule?
I get the sense that there are a lot of parts of you that want completely different, and even contradictory, things.

The degree to which I agree is changing...

I'm a paradox.

How does the cycle perpetuate itself? How does it work?
And, how do we stop this?

It's hard to even put markers out to describe the space that it all happens in. It's all so hidden and subtle. And I'm too spent right now to figure out how I want to put it into words.

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

Can you elaborate more on what you mean?

Well, sounds like whats in control of you pushing yourself beyond your limits are these negative feelings, you are wanting to help other people, at least partially, from feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and whatnot. Sacrificing yourself in the process to get some form of relief.

I think its fair to say that you genuinely want to help others, that and the feelings we have been discussing sound to me like two distinct processes that are feeding off each other.
Does that make sense?
I was assuming that the path you want to take doesnt benefit that much from this sort of trade.

I was also referring to fact that you called it the "right" thing to do, which felt like its not necessarily something one is in full sintony with.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I was also referring to fact that you called it the "right" thing to do, which felt like its not necessarily something one is in full sintony with.

I put the word right in quotes because it can be debatable what is right or not, so I was conceding to the relative and somewhat arbitrary nature of the stance.

Well, sounds like whats in control of you pushing yourself beyond your limits are these negative feelings, you are wanting to help other people, at least partially, from feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and whatnot. Sacrificing yourself in the process to get some form of relief.

This is where I'm going back and forth with this right now: Is it that I am avoiding the guilt and that's why I try to do what's right? Or, am I just aware that if I don't do what I feel is right that I will feel guilt because not only did I do something contrary to what was right, but I likely also progressed contrary to my own scruples?

Though the worthlessness segment seems a very observation. I think that the worth is something worth focusing on more than the guilt. I find my own worth in what I'm able to do for others because I don't find worth in myself by myself.

I was assuming that the path you want to take doesnt benefit that much from this sort of trade.

To some degree, I have to re-evaluate my values.

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

This is where I'm going back and forth with this right now: Is it that I am avoiding the guilt and that's why I try to do what's right? Or, am I just aware that if I don't do what I feel is right that I will feel guilt because not only did I do something contrary to what was right, but I likely also progressed contrary to my own scruples?

I can give you a straight answer and a bit of info on how guilt works, do you think that would be helpful? Realistically you can figure it out on your own so Ill let you decide.
What kind of scruples would you be progressing against?

I find my own worth in what I'm able to do for others because I don't find worth in myself by myself.

Beautiful.

Sounds like you have your answer. Is there something in particular you want to focus on?

 

[Voidmatrix]

Certainly, if you'd like to. I mean, it has to work for me to be an answer for me so we'll see how it goes.

I'd like to provide another example for what I shared above regarding guilt. I don't rob people because I think that's not right to do. It's about that point. However, I also know that if I were to rob someone, I would feel guilty, but the primary reason isn't to avoid guilt.

Scruples that help me dictate my actions.

Hard to decide what to focus on when the value necessary to do so is absent.

One love

 

[🌺🔥🫧]

I was snowboarding this weekend, and I haven't snowboarded since 2 years ago ~ which were my first like 5 days of snowboarding.

I fell so many times on the first day. My knees got sore so for day 2 someone let me borrow their kneepads. I was the slowest of our friends but that wasn't really an issue for any of us. I was still going down the mountain at least half as fast as them.

For lunch some of us went in for drinks and chili, 3 of us stayed out, I was third wheeling them so I decided to do a few runs on my own.
I am going down the run, and it's been rather difficult to snowboard. I've always had to really focus to not fall and even then I might still fall so I'm constantly on edge, emotionally as well as physically.

So now I am just going down this gorgeous run on my own, and suddenly I get this feeling for the groove.
And now I'm grooving, and suddenly my entire mindset shifts and I'm not really afraid anymore, there is something awesome about this. Suddenly my balance is looser and better, and I'm going almost twice as fast down the slope, and I'm feeling really good. I don't know how, but something literally felt like it connected and I don't even know where my problems went, I'm just flowing.
It was really super fun doing the following runs. I really had this new confidence and I didn't even fall. When I meet up with my friends again, I'm still grooving and I feel so much more comfortable and confident.

Idk how but there was like an epiphany moment, and something I really liked about snowboarding just made itself known to me. I don't know where it came from, but it was really wonderful. I also wonder whether being able to just go down the runs alone played a part in it, because I could just snowboard to my own free pace and vibe. I don't know if it's a coincidence that it happened half way down the first run I had alone.

It was an inspiring thing for me since I'm kindof a scaredy cat personality. I had all these fears like "what do I do, what do I do??" and I was constantly falling and falling banging up my knees and such xD. I fell A LOT. I didn't even get a chance to resolve my fears, address them, or reply to them. It felt like the snowboarding just started flowing ME, and I was flowing. I didn't even close the chapter on my fears. I was just in a different world. It almost feels paradoxical

had a great time and when I got home I was very tired

True story ...

 

[ShadedSelf]

Yep, its not that you dont harm other people to not feel guilty, its that the guilt is the signaling that comes with doing or anticipating doing things you think are wrong.

What are your values or scruples in terms of how you have to treat yourself?


Ok, lest give this a shot:

Guilt can go both ways. Three ways actually.

Its a social regulator, its a lot easier to forgive someone that shows guilt, and also motivates the "wrongdoer" to seek restitution. Think evolutionary purpose in a social species.
Its indeed an indicator of an internal rule being broken, a simple and useful signal. Though this has its shortcomings, values can change while guilt might stay the same, values that one doesnt even agree with or know about can stay hidden behind it... its a bit of a mess.

At the end of the day its also an emotion that can lose its initial usefulness and grow into a cyst, especially through trauma.
From this perspective one can feel guilty even for being themselves, being themselves is wrong. It becomes connected to ones worth, to who one is. A roadblock for self-acceptance and a highway for self-aggression, there is this feeling of transgression that the self has to atone for and the desire to turn oneself into a martyr.
This can also go the other way and be projected outwards rather than inwards.

And everything in between.

Its also the antithesis of pride.
Which is the third way guilt goes, here is where there might be potential for growth.

This is where I'm going back and forth with this right now: Is it that I am avoiding the guilt and that's why I try to do what's right? Or, am I just aware that if I don't do what I feel is right that I will feel guilt because not only did I do something contrary to what was right, but I likely also progressed contrary to my own scruples?

Id say both.

You will generally feel guilty if you dont do what you think is right, its the response the mind generates.
And in a way acting on it scratches the itch and reinforces the whole thing, it helps you achieve these "moral structures" like being as selfless as possible. And if you have given everything you have to give and more you at least get to not feel guilty, worthless, that you havent done enough and whatnot.
Not saying its just to avoid those feelings, but it seems like its intertwined with what you want to do and these emotions act as fuel.

Does any of this make sense to you?

Likely more as well.

Im curious, is there shame in there as well?

Also, sounds like this is changing in some way but, why do you want to adhere to that maxim of being selfless?

 

[Voidmatrix]

What are your values or scruples in terms of how you have to treat yourself?

This is something that I'm exploring now. My mandates tend to simply extend to how I treat and what I do for others, not myself. I'm in the back seat. Any benefit to myself needs to also benefit someone else or others. That said, I'm hard on myself. And I don't feel that being "soft" is right for myself when we live in such a "hard" world, that seems to not be very understanding. I try to "suck it up," whatever it might be in a given moment. I need to be "firm," and "tough," and "rigid." This also applies to the psychedelic space and my forays therein.

Its a social regulator, its a lot easier to forgive someone that shows guilt, and also motivates the "wrongdoer" to seek restitution. Think evolutionary purpose in a social species.
Its indeed an indicator of an internal rule being broken, a simple and useful signal.

Yes, I see guilt in this way also, and see shame as a social regulator as well.

Though this has its shortcomings, values can change while guilt might stay the same, values that one doesnt even agree with or know about can stay hidden behind it... its a bit of a mess.

I hadn't thought about it in this way before and this is really helpful. I see that change is constant and that I as an existing thing and everything that comprises me are no exception to that function of change. So maybe I feel guilty at times for values that I no longer hold as firmly, staunchly, or at all.

At the end of the day its also an emotion that can lose its initial usefulness and grow into a cyst, especially through trauma.
From this perspective one can feel guilty even for being themselves, being themselves is wrong. It becomes connected to ones worth, to who one is. A roadblock for self-acceptance and a highway for self-aggression, there is this feeling of transgression that the self has to atone for and the desire to turn oneself into a martyr.
This can also go the other way and be projected outwards rather than inwards.

Aside from working on myself, this is one part of the reason I've been posting less lately. The self-consciousness has grown, especially when alone and I get to analyze and pick apart my responses to say some post or response on the forum, and I've grown to feel guilty about how I pick everything apart, which is alarming because my intent in picking things apart is at its core altruistic. By picking apart I mean highlighting what I may be flaws or holes in an idea, and just critically thinking about everything I can, no matter how small or how nuanced or how subtle. I've just grown tired and built up shame around the anxiety I have in interacting because of the way that I interact and how that can set people off. It's the philosopher in me that sets people off (well, and the jester) and my inner wounded healer that feels bad about it. I'm conflicted. All the time.

Not saying its just to avoid those feelings, but it seems like its intertwined with what you want to do and these emotions act as fuel.

Does any of this make sense to you?

It does make some sense. Can you elaborate more on the intertwining you mention as well as what my emotions are acting as fuel for?

Im curious, is there shame in there as well?

Also, sounds like this is changing in some way but, why do you want to adhere to that maxim of being selfless?

Yes.

At this point, I guess I don't know anymore. I thought it was the enlightened thing to do when I was younger, but otherwise, I'd rather not add to the issues that I see in the world and being selfless seems like a good way to avoid that. But unrealistic at this point.

One love