friken
I have gazed into the eyes of insanity and returne
I often think of DMT experiences as a mix of fractal imagery -- A cosmic kaleidoscope of sorts mixed with an overlay of mental and emotional interpretation which together can be extremely profound. I would like to share with my friends here one recent DMT experience that left me completely emotionally gutted.... while at the same time so insanely appreciative of the meaning of pure and true love.
As the vaped DMT started to take hold I saw fractal imagery that I interpreted as blunt trauma akin blood smacking out of a head being hit hard enough. It is not the first time I had experienced this imagery / feeling on trips. I have been confused by it in prior trips -- what was the purpose of seeing this? This was the breakthrough to show me why I have seen this. Why every accident / pain in my life has had anxiety and emotional response associated which was beyond typical fight/flight response.
As the trip progressed, the imagery was of a familiar form. A red, warping, flowing, fractal flower-like orb. Reaching further and further into my consciousness... until... pop... I was witnessing an accident. I was a father watching his young daughter's head get hit by something. A car perhaps. A father watching the final moments of his child's plea for help, reaching for her parent, shocked, scared, clinging in desperation to life. A father feeling both the purest love and purest despair imaginable until the difference between the two emotions merged into each other. Duality looped in on itself and became one.
There was a moment shared between the mother and father of the child -- of both profound love and profound loss -- Love for the child, love for eachother, and unimaginable loss. There was a choice the father made. A choice that 'I' made. Without a second though he said goodbye to life and followed his daughter through the vale between life and death. There was no consideration of other loved one's shared pain of loss. He died with his daughter in that moment. He chose to follow her to whatever was next and to hold her hand and ensure she was ok, whatever may come next.
On returning from my trip I was gutted. I returned to a soaked pillow and tears flowing faster than I've experienced. The love felt.... so so pure. The despair... so so deep.
My whole life when others talk about a connection to 'source'. Something they describe as a knowing that they are connected to a loving higher power. Comfort that they feel from that connection. I have never understood it. I have somewhat judged it as an imagining of what they wish was real instead of something factual. Maybe even judging their belief while also being envious of the comfort they receive by their belief. Then it clicked.... why I do not feel a connection to source.
I do not claim to understand the full mechanism of consciousness and incarnation, but have always had the distinct feeling I have lived countless lifetimes. Maybe ALL lifetimes of every human who has ever existed from the beginning to end of humanity. It does not feel linear -- more like time is the illusion and all of human existence happened simultaneously and is me. However, any singular human perspective, through the illusion of time feels stronger connections to specific other lives for the purpose of why they are experiencing their current life. This feeling was STRONG with this trip. So strong that I made the following connection...
My current life incarnation's inability to feel connected to source is directly tied to my life as a father having given up his life without a second thought to follow his daughter through death. I did not feel that it was in any way a karmic debt or punishment of suicide, but just as a cause and effect. Water doesn't ripple to punish the rock thrown into it... it just ripples as an effect.
Some trips leave a very deep impression on you. The trip was a week ago and I find it hard to read my screen as I finish typing this.
For anyone who has lost a child -- take at least a little comfort in the pure love you feel for that child and the pure love your child felt for you. The disappear is the polarity of duality being the opposite of that purest of love.
ps.... I should note for the reader. I have not lost a child in this life. I am a father and hope to never have to endure that pain.
As the vaped DMT started to take hold I saw fractal imagery that I interpreted as blunt trauma akin blood smacking out of a head being hit hard enough. It is not the first time I had experienced this imagery / feeling on trips. I have been confused by it in prior trips -- what was the purpose of seeing this? This was the breakthrough to show me why I have seen this. Why every accident / pain in my life has had anxiety and emotional response associated which was beyond typical fight/flight response.
As the trip progressed, the imagery was of a familiar form. A red, warping, flowing, fractal flower-like orb. Reaching further and further into my consciousness... until... pop... I was witnessing an accident. I was a father watching his young daughter's head get hit by something. A car perhaps. A father watching the final moments of his child's plea for help, reaching for her parent, shocked, scared, clinging in desperation to life. A father feeling both the purest love and purest despair imaginable until the difference between the two emotions merged into each other. Duality looped in on itself and became one.
There was a moment shared between the mother and father of the child -- of both profound love and profound loss -- Love for the child, love for eachother, and unimaginable loss. There was a choice the father made. A choice that 'I' made. Without a second though he said goodbye to life and followed his daughter through the vale between life and death. There was no consideration of other loved one's shared pain of loss. He died with his daughter in that moment. He chose to follow her to whatever was next and to hold her hand and ensure she was ok, whatever may come next.
On returning from my trip I was gutted. I returned to a soaked pillow and tears flowing faster than I've experienced. The love felt.... so so pure. The despair... so so deep.
My whole life when others talk about a connection to 'source'. Something they describe as a knowing that they are connected to a loving higher power. Comfort that they feel from that connection. I have never understood it. I have somewhat judged it as an imagining of what they wish was real instead of something factual. Maybe even judging their belief while also being envious of the comfort they receive by their belief. Then it clicked.... why I do not feel a connection to source.
I do not claim to understand the full mechanism of consciousness and incarnation, but have always had the distinct feeling I have lived countless lifetimes. Maybe ALL lifetimes of every human who has ever existed from the beginning to end of humanity. It does not feel linear -- more like time is the illusion and all of human existence happened simultaneously and is me. However, any singular human perspective, through the illusion of time feels stronger connections to specific other lives for the purpose of why they are experiencing their current life. This feeling was STRONG with this trip. So strong that I made the following connection...
My current life incarnation's inability to feel connected to source is directly tied to my life as a father having given up his life without a second thought to follow his daughter through death. I did not feel that it was in any way a karmic debt or punishment of suicide, but just as a cause and effect. Water doesn't ripple to punish the rock thrown into it... it just ripples as an effect.
Some trips leave a very deep impression on you. The trip was a week ago and I find it hard to read my screen as I finish typing this.
For anyone who has lost a child -- take at least a little comfort in the pure love you feel for that child and the pure love your child felt for you. The disappear is the polarity of duality being the opposite of that purest of love.
ps.... I should note for the reader. I have not lost a child in this life. I am a father and hope to never have to endure that pain.