Discoveries from inside a Clinic

[MindNomad]

It was about 5 months ago that I almost died of anorexia at the ripe old age of 19. Luckily enough my family managed to pluck me up at my worst and send me to a clinic to start my recovery journey. I had been suffering from various eating disorders for the past 10 years and had never realized how deadly they could be until I almost came face to face with my own physical death.

Anorexia is a blindingly ego-driven disease caused by simultaneous megalomania & insecurity, and an obsession with perfection. My inner voice told me that everything I was thinking and doing was the reflection of the deep-rooted rejection of my true self and the universe.

Since having been here at the clinic, I’ve had the chance to reconnect with the non-weight/food/exercise obsessed self. This happened through some powerful ego dissolutions at the beginning of my stay (my anorexic identity was forcibly eliminated at this place, I lost everything in one moment - this resulted in days during which my boundaries were blissfully dissolved). For the first time in ages I felt that quintessential oneness with all that is, knowledge seemed to just flow straight into me, I could see geometric grids everywhere, colours without a source were streaming through the air. I managed to access altered planes of consciousness without having taken any drugs or ingested any entheogenic substances.

But I also got to gaze at my darker side. There were times when I watched myself in the mirror and let my face contort itself into anything, my skin acquired hues that amplified the energy of the persona I embodied at each moment. I also faced my existential angst more deeply than ever before, this was absolutely horrifying, I would lie on the floor with my eyes closed, screaming and crying, all of my muscles twitching - I was tumbling through a black hole being stripped entirely of all meaning and abandoned to an eternity of falling.

All of these experiences brought me back to myself with all their wonder and horror, but these intense feelings faded as the human ego clambered its way back into existence. I guess people might call all of this a psychotic break.

Having had a taste of the higher planes, the nature of consciousness and universal love, I am now working hard to integrate all that I have learned into daily life to free myself from the eating disorder and other unhelpful mental blocks that have dug themselves into my being throughout my human years. This has proved to be far more challenging than I thought – rewiring my neural networks takes time and lots of effort. I don’t know how much longer I will be at this clinic, but in the meantime, I’ll be building a database of knowledge with information from neuroscience, transpersonal psychology, psychedelic science and shamanism.

I envision myself becoming an avid & influential researcher of psychedelics and their potential for clinical applications for treating various mental illnesses – particularly eating disorders. So, I have joined this forum to interact with psychonauts and to understand psychedelics as deeply as possible before going out into the world and discovering them for myself when I am ready.

I look forward to learning from you all

 

[Erik]

Do you mind me asking:

What exactly caused the "ego dissolutions"? You wrote that you reached this state "without having taken any drugs or ingested any entheogenic substances". Or did I misinterpret your words?

 

[MindNomad]

Hey Erik! Thank you for taking the time to read my introduction, I really appreciate it.

You interpreted my words correctly. I doubt that the "ego dissolutions" and hallucinations I experienced were anywhere near to those induced by psychedelics, however, they were the most intense experiences I'd had in years. They were essentially caused by the drastic lifestyle and environmental changes that I faced when I moved from Japan to Europe to start the treatment (this in itself is already a huge change). My whole world was flipped, my identity was fully defined by my eating disorder (anorexia was my ego, my mental model of interpreting the universe and my existence), and at the clinic, there was no way for me to engage in any of my previous behaviours. This naturally shocked my system, and my grip on reality ceased for a while. Additionally, my brain went into overdrive once I started eating again - this catapulted me into mania because of all the energy I was finally getting (and previously didn't have).

So, these extreme shocks to my identity and perceived universe caused me to basically lose myself. I literally had no idea who I was for some time, and the notion of being some separate individual defined by some ego and personality made 0 sense to me. These experiences helped me rekindle my long-lost childhood interests in spiritual practices, shamanism, mysticism and psychedelics.

I hope this clarifies things

 

[Erik]

Hello MindNomad!

Wow, did you travel to Europe especially to start treatment?
Are other reasons involved, or are Japanese clinics not well prepared to treat anorexia?

Using DMT I managed to travel back in time before a specific event in my life.
As a result, I realised that certain energies had been cut off by this event and in the aftermath.

Now I am trying to establish a bridge back, to reconnect with these energies.

I can relate to what you are writing.

 

[MindNomad]

Hello there again Erik

Yeah, I did. There's almost no treatment available in Japan, eating disorders aren't taken seriously there, and the help offered is insufficient. I am originally from Europe, so it was much easier for me to find a place and some good insurance here instead of Japan.

What kind of energies were cut off by that event? They must have been rather positive seeing as you are trying to bridge them over into the present.

I feel that as we grow older and spend more time in this part of the universe with our human brains, our habits, actions and environment blind us to our own truth and reality, and we lose many things we used to have as children or younger versions of ourselves. We become distanced from some 'inner core' until we forget about it (which is what happened to me as a result of the eating disorder). But it's possible to reconnect with those initial energies if some event (or psychedelic experience) is able to break our usual vision of reality.

It's all about shaking up our beliefs about what reality really is. When we finally realize that nothing is as fixed as it seems, and we have the power to pour meaning into whatever we wish, we can start living with far more clarity and alignment with ourselves.

 

[Erik]

Hello MindNomad!

What kind of energies were cut off by that event? They must have been rather positive seeing as you are trying to bridge them over into the present.

It could be described as a traumatic event leading to a personality change, which cut off a part of my soul or psyche. I realised that all those years later on, I desperately tried to fill the hole. But even the memory that something had been taken from me did fade away, eventually. And how to find something, when one does not know what exactly to search for in first place ...

One explanation why DMT works is, that it reconnects one to ones subconsciously by utter force. Despite many lofty and interesting things one may experience during a trip, one of ithe very basic functions is a reconnection with the subconsciousness.

When we finally realize that nothing is as fixed as it seems, and we have the power to pour meaning into whatever we wish, we can start living with far more clarity and alignment with ourselves.

Well, the important part is that we do the pouring of meaning. Otherwise the meaning is poured into us and we function blindly as its carrier; this happens when people suffer from schizophrenia for example.

But I get what you are wanting to say, I am just being thorough. ;-)

To lighten this things up a bit, here is some related music:

 

[MindNomad]

Hey Erik ~

It could be described as a traumatic event leading to a personality change, which cut off a part of my soul or psyche. I realised that all those years later on, I desperately tried to fill the hole. But even the memory that something had been taken from me did fade away, eventually. And how to find something, when one does not know what exactly to search for in first place ...

I can relate to this so much! (As I believe many people can - this is rather an archetypal experience) I have also had several events as a teenager that cut me off from my passions, I was forced to adapt extremely quickly and fill up the new vacuums that had been created in my life without necessarily thinking about it. I slowly became depressed, desensitised and depersonalised because I was blocking off all messages from my subconsciousness until I forgot that something was missing in the first place.

I think that people at some point hit a kind of rock bottom or impasse if they allow the world to tell them what to do (which is what happened to me), and then we somehow unconsciously look for a way to "break" our own reality using some "extreme" means of perturbing our universes. I imagine that it could be the subconscious that just breaks through and forces turmoil into your life for you to finally stop and notice.

One explanation why DMT works is, that it reconnects one to ones subconsciously by utter force. Despite many lofty and interesting things one may experience during a trip, one of the very basic functions is a reconnection with the subconsciousness.

The "Alien", the "Unknown" - all that we are but do not always see. It's amazing what you can find in there. You hit the point DMT is an extremely effective way of seeing the "Unseen", but you can also access it through meditation, and it's there when we dream. I've been practising dream recollection ever since coming to the clinic in order to understand my subconsciousness.

But I get what you are wanting to say, I am just being thorough. ;-)

Thank you! I'm glad that you can clarify and deepen what I mean to say

Also, that music... totally did not expect that it would make me feel so - for lack of better words - light & misty. Thank you so much for sharing!