sapphire
Rising Star
Since I first began experimenting with psychedelics, specifically psilocybin, DMT, and Salvia Divonorum, these substances have shown to me a 'damaged energy area' in my chest. That hasn't been their only effect, obviously, but it's been a consistent feature of the experience -- even on very very low doses of psilocybin or Salvia this one part of my chest area gets singled out for strange attention. It seems to be associated with fear, which is something I have a deep, lifelong struggle with and after Yoga and meditation training have become pretty adept at locating in my body. I've 'presented' this area to psychedelics also -- during my last experience with enhanced leaf, for example, I spent part of the experience triggering the fear in my mind and chest and felt my body react in ways obviously influenced by the medicine. Energies or whatever were moving around, coalescing and moving upwards then into the 'bad energy' chest area that I already had been shown and then up into the neck area, but not resolving in any particularly noticeable way.
So anyway, to this trip... after settling my mind into a place of stillness & comfort, with some gentle chakra balancing music playing very low, I vaporized 30mg of DMT in the GVG. I'd worked with this same dose several times before but this time things were different from the outset.
Suddenly I knew I was dying. It wasn't something I 'figured out' or reasoned -- it was just something I knew was happening. Disassociated from my body and memories, ego fading, no memory of the pipe or the DMT or anything really. I just knew, with absolute certainty, it was time to die.
What was left of 'i' remembered my wife and daughter, hoping they'd be OK. I tried to remember how I died -- couldn't remember getting old and sick or any sudden violence like a car accident. I've never had any self-harm tendencies so that didn't make much sense. But that didn't matter; I was searching for a memory of the cause of this death, not questioning that it was happening. There was no questioning that; death was happening. This fact was just ... truth.
Then "I" ceased and there was only something I can't really describe. It was like an infinite, eternal energy field. I say "infinite" and "eternal" but there were no time and no space, so those terms don't really apply. It was it. It just was. It was all there could be. There was no 'i' here, there was just a sort of merging with and into this energetic-everything-unity.
Then, again outside of time, "i" was put back. Some sort of re-individuation occurred.. I don't know how else to put it, really. This universe came back into existence. It just sort of emanated from the pure fundamental energy field. In that moment there was still no 'I' but there was an observer and the observer saw and felt the universe materialize.
Then ego started coming back in pieces and everything was very confusing. My eyes were closed and covered but I could still see the room, albeit in some sort of grey scale. I wasn't sure what I was or where I was or when I was. Didn't have any idea what would be on the other side of the door to the room. Didn't understand much of anything. As I re-entered human consciousness in this dimension, I remember feeling something I took to be unpleasant on re-entry and remember asking the empty room 'am 'i' back? am i back here? why am I back here? does it have to be so hard all the time?' Or something to that effect. Because the first physical sensation the newly individuated 'I' experienced was one of anxiety or longing or spiritual pain or all of the above or, at least.. something along those lines.
I also received some sort of message that the 'bad energy' in my chest, the energy that had been illuminated with psilocybin, salvia, and dmt had been diminished or maybe its root cause somehow diminished in some way, leaving me with further work but a better foundation upon which to do that work.
A couple of weeks later I once again picked up the GVG with the same dose. Three quarters of the way through the first hit my breath became restricted and I knew it was time to put down the pipe -- I knew this was the correct dose. A thought arose 'this was a bad idea'. Again and again the thought arose and with it came fear and the bad energy in my chest was highlighted. I laid back and kept my eyes open, trying not to panic and knowing I was in the presence of something sacred and mysterious which seemed to be tolerating me, possibly showing me something as a lesson, but neither loving nor hostile. The fear came under control and the bad energy in my chest was lifted out as if it existed as a discrete plane and whatever is beyond the DMT veil wanted me to see it was just another tangle of sensations, not self, of course, but also ... removable? Indescribable OEVs and radical shifts of internal mental space occurred. Eventually all subsided back into consensus reality and integration began again.
So anyway, to this trip... after settling my mind into a place of stillness & comfort, with some gentle chakra balancing music playing very low, I vaporized 30mg of DMT in the GVG. I'd worked with this same dose several times before but this time things were different from the outset.
Suddenly I knew I was dying. It wasn't something I 'figured out' or reasoned -- it was just something I knew was happening. Disassociated from my body and memories, ego fading, no memory of the pipe or the DMT or anything really. I just knew, with absolute certainty, it was time to die.
What was left of 'i' remembered my wife and daughter, hoping they'd be OK. I tried to remember how I died -- couldn't remember getting old and sick or any sudden violence like a car accident. I've never had any self-harm tendencies so that didn't make much sense. But that didn't matter; I was searching for a memory of the cause of this death, not questioning that it was happening. There was no questioning that; death was happening. This fact was just ... truth.
Then "I" ceased and there was only something I can't really describe. It was like an infinite, eternal energy field. I say "infinite" and "eternal" but there were no time and no space, so those terms don't really apply. It was it. It just was. It was all there could be. There was no 'i' here, there was just a sort of merging with and into this energetic-everything-unity.
Then, again outside of time, "i" was put back. Some sort of re-individuation occurred.. I don't know how else to put it, really. This universe came back into existence. It just sort of emanated from the pure fundamental energy field. In that moment there was still no 'I' but there was an observer and the observer saw and felt the universe materialize.
Then ego started coming back in pieces and everything was very confusing. My eyes were closed and covered but I could still see the room, albeit in some sort of grey scale. I wasn't sure what I was or where I was or when I was. Didn't have any idea what would be on the other side of the door to the room. Didn't understand much of anything. As I re-entered human consciousness in this dimension, I remember feeling something I took to be unpleasant on re-entry and remember asking the empty room 'am 'i' back? am i back here? why am I back here? does it have to be so hard all the time?' Or something to that effect. Because the first physical sensation the newly individuated 'I' experienced was one of anxiety or longing or spiritual pain or all of the above or, at least.. something along those lines.
I also received some sort of message that the 'bad energy' in my chest, the energy that had been illuminated with psilocybin, salvia, and dmt had been diminished or maybe its root cause somehow diminished in some way, leaving me with further work but a better foundation upon which to do that work.
A couple of weeks later I once again picked up the GVG with the same dose. Three quarters of the way through the first hit my breath became restricted and I knew it was time to put down the pipe -- I knew this was the correct dose. A thought arose 'this was a bad idea'. Again and again the thought arose and with it came fear and the bad energy in my chest was highlighted. I laid back and kept my eyes open, trying not to panic and knowing I was in the presence of something sacred and mysterious which seemed to be tolerating me, possibly showing me something as a lesson, but neither loving nor hostile. The fear came under control and the bad energy in my chest was lifted out as if it existed as a discrete plane and whatever is beyond the DMT veil wanted me to see it was just another tangle of sensations, not self, of course, but also ... removable? Indescribable OEVs and radical shifts of internal mental space occurred. Eventually all subsided back into consensus reality and integration began again.
