ending a toxic relationship

[null24]

This is not a dmt related post, but that issue is something that stands in the way of my process of healing. I've been involved in a relationship with someone that has shown itself over and over to be "toxic", but which I find myself having a hard time pulling away from. Loneliness kills, I think that is something e all know, and I don't have many people on my life I care about. I care an immense amount for this person, so much that ice put aside my well being in favor of hers. But she doesn't care about me. I don't want to go down the laundry list of things she's done to prove that, it would be petty to do so, but suffice to say, she has made me miserable. But I miss her when she isn't here, and come when she calls. She is using me, and is using me up.

Her actions indicate no empathy,a high level of jealousy, distrust and downright animosity. Her last lover actually committed suicide, and she was the person who discovered his body. She suffers nightmares, anxiety attacks and other symptoms of PTSD, and I've been the person whose been there for her. I was the person who had to stop HER from jumping off a parking garage on xmas eve. Noone should be put in that position, ever. That she would do so, and then just never discuss it illustrates the lack of empathy this person has.

I thought I could help her, but I can't. I thought love could overcome her sorrow, but it won't. I thought I was strong and wise enough to do that, I'm not. I was genuinely happy when I met her, now I'm crying at 2:00 am again after she stood me up again. Now, she has stolen from me, and I'm in such due straights financially it really hurts, I suspect she is using the money for drugs. Another one of her ploys is to place guilt onto me when she does something horrible, she cannot face her own shortcomings and makes me feel like a bad person. I constantly have to prove I'm not, but no matter what I do, it's not enough and it's never good enough.

All I want is to be loved, and this is as close as I have now. Otherwise, in utterly alone. Maybe I should be. O feel empty inside, but the worst thing is is that I'd only been filled with a lie.

Has anyone else endured a relationship like this? What do I do? Just walk away and block her number? Help!

I need to make this change and get her out of my life. She is going to

 

[xantho]

I'm sorry to hear of your turmoil and suffering brother. I can't say I've been in a relationship that reached that level of toxicity but I've certainly been in an entirely unhealthy co-dependent relationship and I understand how difficult they can be to remove yourself from, especially when you feel you have no other source of love in your life and you feel the other person needs you. It sounds as if you know in your heart that you can't continue with this relationship. I think you're right when you say that you can't help her. You can be an example for others, a source of support and strength, but when others are deeply afflicted their dis-ease can disrupt and even undo your own healing processes.

It's extremely difficult to learn to be alone and to love yourself despite your solitude, especially when there is a human being on-hand who you know loves you (even if it's expressed in a toxic way). I think it's normal to reach out to that familiarity and comfort when you feel unloved. But I think solitude is the path you must travel to continue your healing. The feelings of loneliness, despair, and not being loved will rise but the breakthrough comes eventually with dedication, meditation, compassion and practice. Terence used to talk about rockets launching into space and how the turbulence and vibration would build and build until 'q' was reached and all of a sudden, just when things seemed worst, peace...calm, serene flight. With time you will learn to love yourself more and more, and you can use the energy that you were pouring into a toxic relationship and unhealthy partner and devote it to new activities, new friendships and sources of life. Those healthy connections will return love, fulfillment and self-worth to your life and you'll continue to grow in health and joy. You are not alone my friend, you never have been.

On a practical note, I'd suggest continuing to strengthen your relationships with plants and animals - they are fantastic allies (and not just on hyperspatial journeys). Grow with them, share your love with them and they will return untold gifts and affection. Find a place in your area to volunteer. Be of service to others and feel the love it brings to your life. I'd also suggest looking into adaptogens. They can be wonderfully helpful in dealing with stress, bringing calm to your mind, and supporting your healthy functioning as a human being.

Much love brother! Nothing lasts. Listen to your heart and integrate the lessons and insights it offers you. You're doing amazingly well

 

[3rdI]

morning null24,

im sorry to hear about your predicament, it sounds awful and im sure you know its not going to be easy to sort it out.

I think its a good thing to want to help someone but I don't think you can continue to do it if it is going to destroy you. I imagine that this person knows the hold they have on you and are well aware they are manipulating you, this is not exceptable.

I think you have to do what you know you have to do, there is no point delaying the inevitable as it is only making your situation worse. It sounds like this person is using your kind hearted desire to help to fuel there free ride.

I understand that you don't want anything bad to happen to this person but it sounds like something terrible is happening to you when there is apparently no change in there attitude or behaviour. I could manage to take someones pain if it freed them from it, but if they are simply inflicting there pain on you in order to spread there misery I think you need to get out quickly.

With the greatest of respect, this person is a vampire (bless you Duncan Trussel) and you don't need people like this in your life. From reading your posts over the last year or so it is obvious you have had a rough ride but it seems like you are coming out the otherside with a distinctly rosy smell, you must make sure this continues, you are important. You have done your best to help so I think it may be time to concede that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

I understand loneliness all to well and its not the best of things, but it certainly isn't the worst of things. I look around and I see a lot of people who are terrified of being alone, they go from 1 person to the next in a state of near permanent attachment because they are just terrified of being alone. I think a lot of people would have a much better life if they could get to a place where they could except being alone and realise that being alone isn't the same as loneliness.

I think you need to rid your life of all the vampires and focus on yourself, I know it clichéd but its time for walks in nature, reading, socialising with strangers and all that good stuff instead of having your good nature sucked away by a toxic relationship.
Im not sure if any of that's any good to you but I hope it is, and I hope you can get to a better place soon.

 

[endlessness]

Hey bro, sorry for what you`re going through! From the looks of it, you definitely need to end this relationship.

Until you have accepted NOT being with her and can be strong enough to say ´no´ while she´s around, I do think it might be a good strategy to just completely block her for a while. This can definitely generate some reaction in her, which might be to obsessively go after you, to get really angry and try to get back at you (careful having drugs laying around the house), or even she might hurt herself.. But this is her own karma, I think, you cannot be blamed for it if you really tried helping her and even saved her life already and she didn´t value it like she should have.

I`d at least write her a letter explaining why you are taking the decision, what you think she has done wrong and most specially, what she could do to get better (so at least you give her a constructive outlook).

That being said, this is all theoretical, just my opinion, I dont know you nor her, it´s a decision you have to make for yourself..

I´ve never been in a relationship with the same issues, but definitely went through some difficulties and had to say no to a girl I really cared about because it was just not balanced, it was not good for either of us. I can assure you that it can get painful and lots of doubts creep up at first, but you gotta keep in mind your objective, which is to find your own path and balance, and that she finds her own. Sometimes serving or helping others is only making the problem worse, some people might just need a slap from life to wake up.

Good luck, all the best!

 

[jbark]

List your reasons for staying. Do any of them involve you or your needs (beyond the simple need for companionship)? I suspect not, given your description.

Based on what you have written I think your only course of action is to extricate yourself from this toxic situation. Based on the fact that you wrote it, I think you know this already.

I am sure it is going to be very, very difficult, but it sounds to me like you will be far better off for it. Loneliness is terrifying, I know, but you have to stop focusing on loneliness being the only outcome of doing what is clearly best for you. I tend to do this also, but I realize objectively that my focusing on potential negative aspects of hard decisions paralyzes me and are rationalizations for not changing. A year from now you may be in another, healthier, more loving and nurturing relationship. Or you may be perfectly comfortable - or even happy - being alone. Strange that our brains tend to latch on to the negative instead of the positive, often entertaining worst case scenarios as inevitable. Fear is very powerful evolutionary necessity but often, ironically, clouds good judgment.

A lot of good advice here in other posts...

Good luck and stay strong!

JBArk

 

[Mr.Peabody]

Damn.

I don't have any advice to give, but just wanna say keep your head up. There's a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere. Things will be good once more, and this hardship will serve to make the good things that much sweeter.

 

[null24]

Thank you folks, that's all extremely good advice. I've been a co dependent person for most of my life,.perhaps due to my addictive personality. I didn't even recognize or really even know what that meant until a couple years ago, when I embarked in earnest upon a path of self discovery and improvement. I had hopes that this relationship would be different. I told her at the outset that I'd do anything for her, but I won't do everything. She has made sure that has not come to be, and in fact I do do everything for her. She has an immense amount of work to do, to heal from the traumas inflicted upon her by others and her circumstance.

When we met and she told me her story, I felt very sympathetic towards her and wanted to show her easy, kind love. Her life makes mine look like a cake-walk; her family, whom she lives with just got evicted from their house because her father is going to prison for selling non-working hearing aids while his license was suspended (really? Yes.); her lover before me hung himself after a fight with her, making her make the gruesome discovery of his body; the one before that-5 years ago, the father of her four year old-left her when she was 6 months pregnant. Her sister and mother, whom she lives with, are prescription drug addicts, but of course don't recognize that because their d.o.c.comes in amber vials from a doctor-nevermind the fact it's not their doctor, it's just a horrible situation, and my heart broke for her.

When we found each other, she was attracted to my happiness, I was beginning to love myself, and was pursuing a path that had a future. It's only because the last year has been filled with her that I find that happiness so far away, so alien to my current situation. I've fallen far off that path, I'm taking next term off school to re-assess, I have failed classes this term due to absences I incurred responding to some crisis or another of hers. I need some time to rediscover that happiness. To write, mediate, continue on my path, and this spring I'd really like to find the resources to travel, perhaps visit some psychonaut friends around the Northwest, and explore parts of my region I've yet to see.

Despite being co-dependent, I have been a loner most of my life. I can be happy alone. A partner should be just that, someone who supports you through love, someone who cares, someone who KNOWS and understands you. That's not what this is. I'm not trying to make myself sound like a victim who tried to do everything right, far from it. I put myself here,.and made many mistakes and bad moves.

I thank all of you, again, without this community, I'd feel alone in a cruel universe. I espouse love and healing, but I'm trapped in dis-ease and a negative emotional state.

The other night, my tripping buddy and I had a night of salvia exploration (see thread on being mind raped by the stuff). He pointed out to me that I've been approaching the world, especially the people in it in a hostile manner. I've become angry, and probably use the term "I hate" far more often than "I love". I yeast strangers with un kindness. I'm bort happy. This relationship and it's consequences in my life are the cause. This is the last stestraw. She was supposed to meet me this morning to pay me the money she took, but isn't here and doesn't answer the phone. I'd be sorely taken to task were that situation the opposite. I've been disrespected enough by this girl. It's going to be hard, I'm going too miss her next to me at night, I'm going to remember her smile when she is being sweet. I have to hold onto some anger, I suppose, remember that she is next to me to use me for sex, remember that she is only sweet when she wants something.

I love y'all, and an extremely grateful for your advice. I am sure I will need the continued support of this community, thank you for being there when noone else is.

 

[FloorFan]

I don't have the time now to make a proper reply, but I've been in your shoes! Quickly a few points and then I'll come back later if elaborating is required.

1. Is she or has she been screened for bipolar? Sounds exactly like a rapid cycler.

2. Love yourself! SERIOUSLY! Wrap your arms around yourself, love it. Your hobbies, compassion, interests, thoughts, jokes, everything that makes you you, love it! You'll never be alone.

3. (This is wisdom my best friend gave me and it's 100% true) The very moment you get away from crazy, your life will be 100% better and continue to get better.

4. Don't block her number or change yours. When, WHEN you get away, she'll be enraged and jealous and want her controllable you back, and she'll honestly be afraid of losing the best thing in her life. You might need a record of harassment. Just DON'T answer! Record her voice mails and save them. They can come in handy and are legal as she knows she's being recorded. Had a false injunction thrown out by this very tactic.

5. You can do it. It'll hurt, you'll have mixed emotions. Talk to someone AS it's happening for support (if you have to pack and leave, or vise versa, or you just had the/a conversation breaking it off). Even if it's us on this forum. There are those who understand. You are worth being happy. Don't settle for less. Her problems are HER'S! Only she can fix them.

 

[null24]

This person has me so turned around and torn up! I come here for this because this place is a huge part of my support network. I know people everywhere endure the same struggles, but few approach life and try to sort it out like we do. I thank all of you, and especially those who've extended virtual hands to me.

last night she texted me (I never talk on the phone and have long text conversations) and I was able to tell her some of how I feel. I told her that she has to embark on a path to self healing, as I do as well, and that I would support her in that but that it has to be reciprocal. I won't put out energy without it being returned somehow, even if that is accomplished merely by her getting better.

Somehow, to make a long story short, she began threatening suicide when it became clear that I was on a very thin thread, and that she held the scissors. I felt it was disingenuous, and s ploy, but just to be safe, told her I'd accompany her to the hospital today. I met her downtown, and she delayed going as she smoked all my cigarettes and let loose a continuous stream off negativity. While there,i I found out that age used my money to buy drugs. Why was i not FURIOUS? That was supposed to pay for my room this week,. I'm terrified of the suicide threat, if she did it, after I fought with her,I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I'd rather sleep outside than risk it, although she would never do it I really don't think.

Eventually, we left for Hospital, but she wanted to stop by her room and get her belongings so her sister wouldn't steal then. Half an hour later I get a call yelling me she's going to take a nap. She cut the thread.

I feel so f-ing weak. I wish I hadn't listened to her, I an afraid that when she calls, I'll answer, she's like a drug, I miss her when she's not here, hate her when she is. I want to be free. I have a feeling kicking heroin may have been easier than kicking her.. I can handle alot, bit I'm crushing under this. If it were a possibility for me, I'd be considering any way out myself right now. I posted today abort starting my appointments to have eye surgery soon, and if I didn't have that to look forward to...i don't know, I really don't.

I need to take the next step on the path to wholeness I'm trying to stay on, but I'm stuck. I need guidance. I've gotten good advice from people here so far, encouragement and words of wisdom and experience. Both here and in my in box. Thank you again.

I gotta go try and let some tears out now.

 

[FloorFan]

Let if flow out man! No shame in the eyes pouring! Some more advice I'd been given once is, "Look where she puts you in her life."

As in, she asks for money, buys drugs (dishonest and no care for your bill's, rent, lifestyle or wellness). Asks to go to hospital by a threat of suicide, that's to get you around so she can use her magic over you to get money, cigs, a ride to where ever. It's also incredibly horrible abuse (again, I've been through the exact same abuse).

Her sister would steal her things? Is that a family you want to be involved with? Wow, I'd say you need to get out of this entire situation! You should not nor need to be around these types of people. You kicked habits, you are getting eyesight back, things are going good. Continue this treand. If you stay around that energy it'll pull you in.

Use this last even as an eye opening lesson. Think of this situation coming from a close friend, what you advise them?

You are a step ahead as it sounds like you live separately. Make sure she doesn't have a key. Text her, "I'm done, I'm moving on with my life. Please get the help you need. Have a good life." Then, never answer to her again. It will not get better, it will get worse! TRUST ME on this!!! I've dealt with a junkie before, and a bipolar cheater/suicide threatening, hot pan with oil waving, craziness. It WILL get worse. When you start getting stronger and want them to get help, they just see it as they need to ramp it up to control you.

Seriously, it's hard, it hurts, you just want what's good for them, but they don't. They want what feels good to only themselves, and the easiest way to get that too.

It's you time! Time to be selfish. Time to better yourself. Time to be single and do all the things you wanted! Open your heart to change.


You can start doing mental exercises of thinking of how great it'll be without her in your life. You aren't having good moments anymore. IF she had a sing on her the moment you met her and it said everything she was going to do to you in the future, you'd laugh and run the other way. Pretend it's then, RUN, and start anew as if that's what you did from the beginning!

Good times are ahead! But you have to get rid of the bad time generator. She'll get help, but on her own time.

You are being ABUSED! Manipulated! Controlled! Use this to grow your backbone!

Law of attraction... how dose your current situation apply? You are thinking about how she hurts you and that you miss her. Universe see that as, you miss her hurting you. So that's what you attract.

Now, start thinking of what you want in life, in a partner, in monetary situations. You have to think of what you WANT, not DON'T WANT! Universe is absolute, it doesn't know "don't" or "no". Only the absolute thought. If you think, I don't want to be abuse. It just hear abuse. If you think, I want to be happy with a hot little thang and have more money than I need doing what I, we, makes me, us, happy. That's what you'll attract. Make sense?


Start attracting what you WANT! Not what you DON'T want! Change is good. Change is necessary. But you have to start it.

The Nexus is here for you!

 

[Mz.Gypzy]

Rough situation you have yourself in. All great advice so far.

Null, man... I think you already know what needs to be done, it's just about getting it done with the least amount of backlash.


You can not make people change. They will not get help until they are ready. I myself am a recovering addict just like you.
Its like the rule that people won't change for others, it happens when they are ready.

I understand you love her, but it sounds like your enabling her behavior by continuing to let her walk all over you.
She will not change into the person that you want her to be.
Not now. Not cause you want her to.

The suicide threats are ploys to manipulate you, and it seems to be working. When you back out of her life, she will find someone else. Misery loves company.

Can you just back away? No argument, no threats no fights.
Just delete her number, stop talking to her friends etc.
Move on.


It seems you have really put in some of the hard work of healing and recovery in your own life. And that is amazing.
You should continue on that path by yourself. Start cutting the people out of your life that don't resonate with where you are going or want you want.

After you remove some of the toxic people from your life, since your on a new path people that resonate with the new you will start to come into your life.
You have to "out with the old, in with the new". Harder than it sounds. I know.


Love is replaceable. It really is. Cut ties with this women and spend some more time focusing on who you want to be, and the type of person you want and deserve to be with.
Being alone is not as bad as it seems, and great lessons to be learned from it.


Keep moving toward, keep making those hard decisions.
It can be hard in the present when it happening, put it will pass and things will change.
Imagine your self 2 years in the future looking back at this situation. What will you want to see?

Good luck to you!

 

[Mr.Peabody]

Focus on the end of all of this. Keep your mind set to the light somewhere off in the future, the place where you both have moved on, and things are better. Remember, ending this thing will be better for both of you. She obviously cannot see that yet, and of course you have your doubts, but just hold on to that fact, and you can get through this.

 

[Archmage]

Null,

I have walked in your shoes.

I spent 3 years on and off with someone who's ex mate had abused her.

When I first met her - Light radiated from this person.
Then her mate of like 7 years abused her and she feel from grace.

I spent the next 2.5-3 years trying to help her find happiness again, only to have some of the things occurring that you have suggested in your original post.

One night, after an excessive dose of mescaline, I had a breakthrough and a life changing vision where I had to chose between 2 different paths. Path 1, stay with her, and possibly never be able to help her be better - utilizing my entire life to try to assist a singular soul, or move forwards without her and be able to help many other souls, possibly all souls.

I cried because I knew which path I would choose, despite the love I had for her - which was all encompassing.

Needless to say, as soon as I chose this path - I met my soul mate within days. We've been together for 10 years this summer, married and have 4 children. We like to trip together and all sorts of things.

You need to choose to move forwards, and accept that despite being a selfless person, it is not contradictory to have to every now and then, choose what is best for you.
This is your life as well.

Good luck, my friend, with whatever path you choose.

Remember, it is your life too - choosing to do what's right for yourself is not being selfish.

That was my revelation.

 

[null24]

Archmage, more good advice, thank you. What you said about spending my resources on one soul, probably to no effect, as opposed to many-that turned another light on in my head. These things I'm being told all seen so obvious-several friends have outright called me stupid for bring in this position, but when your in the middle of something, well its hard to see the forest. I'm gaining a little altitude and things are getting clearer.

Wasn't sure how I'd wake up today, went to bed pretty down, but I had a good meditation-actually a very deep and powerful one showing me what I must do (lots of self care) and today isn't do bad. Doesn't hurt that the sun is out, which we haven't seen up here but rarely lately. Thank you all for the strength and how you are imparting.

 

[Archmage]

Archmage, more good advice, thank you. What you said about spending my resources on one soul, probably to no effect, as opposed to many-that turned another light on in my head. These things I'm being told all seen so obvious-several friends have outright called me stupid for bring in this position, but when your in the middle of something, well its hard to see the forest. I'm gaining a little altitude and things are getting clearer.

Wasn't sure how I'd wake up today, went to bed pretty down, but I had a good meditation-actually a very deep and powerful one showing me what I must do (lots of self care) and today isn't do bad. Doesn't hurt that the sun is out, which we haven't seen up here but rarely lately. Thank you all for the strength and how you are imparting.

Null,
Glad I could share some thoughts that provide direction and/or guidance in whatever way you need them to work.

I have for many years, considered myself a shaman. It just seems natural. I am walking some path that has a grander plan that I am unaware of, but I walk said path faithfully. That being said, providing guidance with no expectation that anyone or anything will listen or not has always been something that I have done. That being said, when I started to fall from my path as a result of one particular individual, I felt I needed to be selfless and choose everyone else but her. I felt that choosing her was the selfish maneuver - because it had to do with what I wanted - not necessarily with what was right for the rest of everything and existence.

These are my humble thoughts.

 

[User1911]

She sounds like she has a serious case of poor me. Keep your dignity and walk off the set from this girl. Its easier said then done. But she's not the only girl in the world, distance slowly then cut the string. Sure it will hurt , but in the end your dignity will be maintained. She's obviously using you don't worry about her needs I'm sure a girl with this personality type will find some other guy to traumatize.

Good luck, do yourself a favor and run for your life for your Sanity's sake. Being alone really isn't that bad and try not to fall in love with every girl who shows you attention. You'll be OK.