Friends,
I am bumping this post that I originally made over 6 months ago to briefly say "what I have learned," and that deep and meaningful integration is possible from very rough rides, even if it takes longer than I want or suspect it should.
I am leaving the original posts I made 100% intact below and noting that the original hypenated title of this report was No Need for Apology, by way of indicating just how despairing and raw my feelings were back then after getting firmly raked over the DMT coals.
Something huge has changed inside of my head. I will be hard pressed to accurately describe it.
At first after this trip I felt horrible. I was in a very dark place. Crying a lot, angry a lot, very fearful that any day, I'd get the call or the police visit at the door or . . . . just like has happened before and will happen again. Fearful that someone I loved would die, worried about my own inevitable demise.
But, I've lived half a life. I know about cycles and that humans are beings of contrast and that no extreme state can last. So I waited. I tried to meditate but my head was a chaotic mess. I read some and talked to some folks. I was horrible off and on in chat. Sometimes I was inspired.
As time passed a kind of acceptance descended upon me. Yet it didn't feel 100% right. I was sad. I did what I needed to do but my frown lines were deepening visibly. It's like I had found a kind of resigned mental state. Very, very low energy.
I would smoalk DMT with zero fear. It was strange. I felt I had lost my fear and I wanted it back. Yet fascinating because I realized how much of my personal "body load" was caused by my own hype rather than the molecule. Very educational.
More time and more trips including some key ones like the LSD/Hash oil breakthrough and a big integrative journey with low dose MXE and mid-dose DMT. As well as thinking, meditating, dreaming and living my everyday life.
As more time passed, I felt better. A LOT better. I felt quieter. I felt calmer. I could meditate better. I was still passionate but my anger/irritation/sadness/whatever had it's brief moment then moved on. Nothing could defeat my seeming permanent low-grade good mood for more than an hour. I had a lot of hash oil and that didn't hurt because my physical pain was down, but this is more than just getting high. This is a long term integration and feels incredibly deep.
DMT so often gives me what I need rather than what I want. This effect on my mind, this calming, this deep acceptance, this readiness for anything, this sense of being a sentient mote has instilled me with . . . . a quiet zest for life. Every breath is so sweet. Every moment is so exquisite. I know what's coming in the future. We all do. Oh man, this is So DAMNED SWEET!
At this point, I'm not sure I would have it any other way. What an amazing, breathless BLESSING. I am finding the most personal meaning in service to others, as always, but instead of feeling like a servant or martyr, I feel like a student who is being shown new perspectives when I take on these roles.
Family are starting to notice.
My husband said what I am doing is helping him. This makes me so happy, I couldn't begin to describe it. I hate to burden him with my suffering. What I am doing is helping HIM. I'm doing something so right here.
My father and step-mother - I told them I'm drinking b. caapi ayahuasca and that it cured my depression and IBD. Then we spent some time together. They were amazed. They said, "You've matured radically," and "We used to think you would die and be reborn a feral cat. Now we think you'll come back as a happy housecat."
I haven't lost my fight or passion. But acceptance and calm is behind it all. Fear exists but it is so minor that it does not touch my vital signs (heart rate, etc.). I love to breath. I love all of you. I love this life. To live in this time of easy DMT extraction, internet connection.
My brother and sister in law who know I do a lot of psychedelics and have heard my DMT rants and earlier told me they'd love me to do less of these things said to me recently in regards to my actions, "Amazing," and "Keep it going!"
This is not a bizarre kind of bragging but a way of letting me/you know that I'm getting positive external feedback from sources I love and trust.
Something big has happened and I suspect it might stick. I seem to be feeling a bit better each week. Meditation is now easy. I'm talking A LOT less in my regular/reality life. Time will tell and I am aware of cycles. Love and acceptance and a calm understanding that the Universe plays dice inform my days from wake to end with an inner (& frequently outer) smile, thankfulness and acceptance of the blessing and miracle.
Thank you for taking the time to read if you did.
Peace & Love
