Two days ago i took ayahuasca made of chacruna, caapi, a few mushrooms and an admixture that i have never used before that greatly amplified the psychedelic effects of the brew, but that also caused a side-effect that was so severe that i will not mention what the admixture was, since i think it is dangerous to use and if you say somewhere on a website "don't try this" there is a good chance someone WILL try it.
I didn't think this admixture would be dangerous in the first place, but in combination with the other ingredients it had the unforseen effect of making it very hard to breathe. At times i had to sit up straight because the weight of my chest was just too much. For hours i was breathing heavily like i had just ran a marathon while i was hardly moving at all.
The experience i had was very disturbing but also somewhat of a relief at the same time.
In my teen-age and adolescent years i had always been atracted to women, but a few years ago i started for the fist time in my life to have a relationship with a man.
For the past few years this relatioship just went like on and off all the time. It had put quite a strain on me but for some reason it just went on and on. Until i recently decided that i've had enough of it and that i'm not gonna do it anymore.
This has triggered many processes inside my head.
But the most disturbing one was, this: For all my life, even way before puberty, i've been having flashes of memories and during my puberty i went through a period of extreme anxietys and depression. I always had the suspicion that maybe in my very early childhood i was sexualy abused by somebody, but it was a subject that i always in a sense ignored. I realy didn't want to think of it. But during this ayahuasca journey i started to realise that this suspicion was actualy justified and that it probably realy happened, although i was so young then that my memories are not very sharp and accurate.
I later on talked about this with my mother and she confirmed that when i was two years old, there was a moment when i abrubtly changed from a quite happy and playfull little boy, into an extremely depressive, frightened and withdrawn child, and that i firmly refused to say anything about what had happened. This was after she had hired a baby-sitter for a day, that she didn't hire anymore after i had changed this much. She said that she had always been afraid that this baby-sitter had done something to me, but that she never dared to talk about this.
In my teen-age years there where periods that i had extreme fears that where related to sexuality and i had nightmares as well. I knew a girl who had been sexually abused as a child and i often had dreams where she told me: "i know why you are the way you are, and that is because you're like me, and this is our million years old secret".
At this moment i think i can say that i'm doing fine. I've overcome the difficulty's that have plagued me in my younger years. They've not taken over me, i have beaten them.
I am generally a happy person and i love this life.
I don't know what to think of it all, i guess i'm just a strong person that i'm still here and doing the way i'm doing.
I didn't think this admixture would be dangerous in the first place, but in combination with the other ingredients it had the unforseen effect of making it very hard to breathe. At times i had to sit up straight because the weight of my chest was just too much. For hours i was breathing heavily like i had just ran a marathon while i was hardly moving at all.
The experience i had was very disturbing but also somewhat of a relief at the same time.
In my teen-age and adolescent years i had always been atracted to women, but a few years ago i started for the fist time in my life to have a relationship with a man.
For the past few years this relatioship just went like on and off all the time. It had put quite a strain on me but for some reason it just went on and on. Until i recently decided that i've had enough of it and that i'm not gonna do it anymore.
This has triggered many processes inside my head.
But the most disturbing one was, this: For all my life, even way before puberty, i've been having flashes of memories and during my puberty i went through a period of extreme anxietys and depression. I always had the suspicion that maybe in my very early childhood i was sexualy abused by somebody, but it was a subject that i always in a sense ignored. I realy didn't want to think of it. But during this ayahuasca journey i started to realise that this suspicion was actualy justified and that it probably realy happened, although i was so young then that my memories are not very sharp and accurate.
I later on talked about this with my mother and she confirmed that when i was two years old, there was a moment when i abrubtly changed from a quite happy and playfull little boy, into an extremely depressive, frightened and withdrawn child, and that i firmly refused to say anything about what had happened. This was after she had hired a baby-sitter for a day, that she didn't hire anymore after i had changed this much. She said that she had always been afraid that this baby-sitter had done something to me, but that she never dared to talk about this.
In my teen-age years there where periods that i had extreme fears that where related to sexuality and i had nightmares as well. I knew a girl who had been sexually abused as a child and i often had dreams where she told me: "i know why you are the way you are, and that is because you're like me, and this is our million years old secret".
At this moment i think i can say that i'm doing fine. I've overcome the difficulty's that have plagued me in my younger years. They've not taken over me, i have beaten them.
I am generally a happy person and i love this life.
I don't know what to think of it all, i guess i'm just a strong person that i'm still here and doing the way i'm doing.
