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Forever Changed? Malfunctioning Pineal . . .?

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Old & Jaded

Old & Jaded

Spice Momma
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Hello,

Things have been very interesting for SWIM ever since the breakthrough experience. She knows that she just needs to give things more time (Either that or have another session with the spice asap . . . it actually seems to be calling to her :? ) . . . she's too old for this kind of melodramatic stuff . . .

SWIM is wondering if she may have left a bit of herself back in hyperspace . . .SWIM is getting indications that this may not be a bad thing if it is true . . .

SWIM keeps having things that she doesn't "believe in" happening to her . . .including what could only be described as a flashback. But, SWIM doesn't believe in flashbacks, so let's just say that there are some rather extreme HPPD sypmtoms and her tendency to trip under the influence of sleep deprivation has been radically potentiated . . .

SWIM is having experiences that are hard to describe. She will be in a seemingly mundane, even boring scenario with her brother's family, or walking on the street or whatever and all of a sudden for a minute or two everything will start to appear rather profoundly beautiful and archetypal. This is especially true in scenes where the kids kind of naturally pose around her brother and sister-in-law. All of a sudden there is a tremendous kind of rainbow glistening light coming off of them and they appear almost frozen in time. Everything in the room is lit up as with an inner light. The beauty factor is overwhelming, takes SWIM's breath away and literlly brings a tear or two to her eyes. SWIM is used to being heavily defended, armored and incapable of much penetrating feeling . . .

Part of this is kind of wonderful, but part of it makes SWIM feel very vulnerable.

SWIM has been having minor incidences of what appear to be telepathy. She does not believe in telepathy and knows that she is probably just not taking count of all the incidences where her alleged telepathy does not work at all . . .

SWIM does not believe in the occult but has agreed to take on a Tarot reading tonight. Her brother and sister-in-law claim that her "aura" is radically changed. That it went from "staticky" to "sparkly." . . .

Any insights or advice (especially from experienced spice travelers) would be appreciated . . .

Well, that's about it. Thanks.

Peace & Love,
 
well im no horder of knowledge. The freemasons are occult. do not believe they aren't. interestingly enough they funded strassmans research. go figure it out. eye in pyramid is a good place to start. the all seeing I. get it!?
 
Sounds great, sounds like you had a ++++ experience. You do realize enlightenment doesn't go away right? Thats the whole idea.

I do know what you mean about feeling vulnerable in the face such radiance. You feel succeptible, like a child experiencing the awe of the world. You just have to remember that you are no more fragile than before. If anything you are stronger because of it.
 
mattritt said:
Sounds great, sounds like you had a ++++ experience. You do realize enlightenment doesn't go away right? Thats the whole idea.

I do know what you mean about feeling vulnerable in the face such radiance. You feel succeptible, like a child experiencing the awe of the world. You just have to remember that you are no more fragile than before. If anything you are stronger because of it.
Click to expand...


Why be a child when you can be a warrior?
 
I personally feel so small when i smoke spice in the grander scheme of things, just exactly like a kid indeed beautifully said mattritt. By the way that picture below your post resonates with me so greatly it seems so similar to the electric strings that were shaped like a tunnel which i saw during my last and most intense experience where i reached the bridge of ego loss, its quite freaky how close it is.


Much Peace and Compassion
 
This sounds like a wonderful thing Pandora.

While these after effects might not last all that long, simply experiencing them is a good thing, I believe.

Maybe the spice is trying to help you tear down some walls you have built up over the years. They may have been necessary at one point in your life but maybe they are no longer as useful as they used to be. Spice can show you what is wrong with your body or mind.

My friend was having horrible spice adventures at one point. 1 side of his face was just going crazy, his eye would stop working, there would be no visuals on that side of his face, he would come back holding that side of his face and rocking back and forth..something was clearly wrong. One experience he was sure that he was going to die. He finally went to the dr...who told him to get to the dentist ASAP. It turned out that he had abcesses in his teeth that were so bad it could have easily contaminated his blood and possibly died. It was bad, and he didn't even know it. he has an amazingly high threshold for pain, and really just didn't know anything was amiss. While this example is not quite the same, I hope that it illustrates that Spice has been known to help diagnose issues.

Psycadelics can do strange things. There have been numerous reports of telepathy on mid-high doses of mushrooms (during the experience usually)...although I have never experienced it myself.

One thing that I have learned is that Spice can really change your beliefs. Knowing that there is something else....something wonderful and scary all at the same time, it's changed me. I feel both insignificant, but at the same time part of something wonderful and powerful.

I've not known DMT to cause HPPD, esp after only 1-2 uses, thought I don't doubt your issues. I know that I am a lot more open to things for a week or two after a spice adventure...maybe the spice has opened up your mind a bit. I can't say for sure.

I'm sorry I'm not quite as eleoquent as many of our members...so this may just sound like rubbish.
 
acolon_5 said:
This sounds like a wonderful thing Pandora.

While these after effects might not last all that long, simply experiencing them is a good thing, I believe.

Maybe the spice is trying to help you tear down some walls you have built up over the years. They may have been necessary at one point in your life but maybe they are no longer as useful as they used to be. Spice can show you what is wrong with your body or mind.

My friend was having horrible spice adventures at one point. 1 side of his face was just going crazy, his eye would stop working, there would be no visuals on that side of his face, he would come back holding that side of his face and rocking back and forth..something was clearly wrong. One experience he was sure that he was going to die. He finally went to the dr...who told him to get to the dentist ASAP. It turned out that he had abcesses in his teeth that were so bad it could have easily contaminated his blood and possibly died. It was bad, and he didn't even know it. he has an amazingly high threshold for pain, and really just didn't know anything was amiss. While this example is not quite the same, I hope that it illustrates that Spice has been known to help diagnose issues.

Psycadelics can do strange things. There have been numerous reports of telepathy on mid-high doses of mushrooms (during the experience usually)...although I have never experienced it myself.

One thing that I have learned is that Spice can really change your beliefs. Knowing that there is something else....something wonderful and scary all at the same time, it's changed me. I feel both insignificant, but at the same time part of something wonderful and powerful.

I've not known DMT to cause HPPD, esp after only 1-2 uses, thought I don't doubt your issues. I know that I am a lot more open to things for a week or two after a spice adventure...maybe the spice has opened up your mind a bit. I can't say for sure.

I'm sorry I'm not quite as eleoquent as many of our members...so this may just sound like rubbish.
Click to expand...

acolon_5,

Thanks and thanks to everyone else too . . .

SWIM and I are very aware of how weird things can get on psychedelics, but those memories are 20 years old.

SWIM informs me that she has had HPPD (so has her husband) since the late 1980's. They simply "ignore the inputs" and after awhile the flareups or whatever fade back. SWIM has always had fleeting peripheral animal images and her husband has always had trails . . .

SWIM does not blame the spice for the current weirdness. It is probably cumulative exposure, starting with her Salvia experiments, weekly mushroom trips and a couple of spice experiences. She has no other explanation. But part of her feels that the spice blasted her door open so wide that although the blinding light isn't coming out anymore there is still an opening, a crack and some stuff is continuing to come through . . . Difficult to explain.

Thanks again all. SWIM is going to meditate on two extremes: Stop the experiments or push ahead aggressively. She is not sure she can take the ambiguity of anything else . . .Of course, pushing ahead aggressively means weekly experiments. SWIM doesn't think she could begin to mentally digest anything else more frequenst . . .

Peace & Love,
Pandora
 
۩ said:
mattritt said:
Sounds great, sounds like you had a ++++ experience. You do realize enlightenment doesn't go away right? Thats the whole idea.

I do know what you mean about feeling vulnerable in the face such radiance. You feel succeptible, like a child experiencing the awe of the world. You just have to remember that you are no more fragile than before. If anything you are stronger because of it.
Click to expand...


Why be a child when you can be a warrior?
Click to expand...

I never said to be the child, only that I understand the feeling she is having. Sometimes the warrior needs to take the back seat to the child who's wonder and curiosity can find and see things the warrior could not. There is a time and place for everything.
 
I have hppd since I took LSD a couple of years ago. I see what could be described as white noise, longer afterimages and things tend to float around at times more so when I'm tired or smoke cannabis. But I dont know if the LSD made it or if it just pointed it out to me cause I know to some extent that I saw things float around when I was younger. Also has tinnitus but am used to both since I've had them for quite some time. After a while they just blend in with everyday life. I kinda like the floating part tough=)
 
Pandora said:
Of course, pushing ahead aggressively means weekly experiments. SWIM doesn't think she could begin to mentally digest anything else more frequenst
Click to expand...

Why would that be the next logical step??

What is the point of forcing yourself to do "weekly experiments" if you don't feel ready?
There are no rules, no necessities of any kind...unless you are creating them. So don't do that.

How about just experimenting when you feel the need? When you feel you are ready?

Personally, I only use DMT when the stars are in perfect alignment!:lol: Everything has to be just right.
I've learned over time, that if I want to experience DMT, but it just isn't the "right time, or right place", I don't get the type of fully immersed, breakthrough experience I'm going for anyway.
Because of this, I'll sometimes go months without even taking the storage container out of the freezer!
Other times I might do it 2-3 times in a week.

I also tend to give more away to friends than I do myself. Usually without doing any myself...I love turning people on to DMT, just as much as I love going to that place myself!

There is really no need to force yourself to go with either of those extremes you stated above...why not just think on that last heavy experience for a while...until you feel that calling to go there again?
It is always a 100% different experience every time, sometimes it's really heavy & life effecting, other times it's just a beautiful ride through the nexus of the dimensions.
But the real ones...the times you are touching god...those take some time to integrate into your brain!!
It can be a while before you feel the need to go in there again.
No shame in that...no issue at all!


WS
 
Pandora said:
Hello,

Things have been very interesting for SWIM ever since the breakthrough experience. She knows that she just needs to give things more time (Either that or have another session with the spice asap . . . it actually seems to be calling to her :? ) . . . she's too old for this kind of melodramatic stuff . . .

SWIM is wondering if she may have left a bit of herself back in hyperspace . . .SWIM is getting indications that this may not be a bad thing if it is true . . .

SWIM keeps having things that she doesn't "believe in" happening to her . . .including what could only be described as a flashback. But, SWIM doesn't believe in flashbacks, so let's just say that there are some rather extreme HPPD sypmtoms and her tendency to trip under the influence of sleep deprivation has been radically potentiated . . .

SWIM is having experiences that are hard to describe. She will be in a seemingly mundane, even boring scenario with her brother's family, or walking on the street or whatever and all of a sudden for a minute or two everything will start to appear rather profoundly beautiful and archetypal. This is especially true in scenes where the kids kind of naturally pose around her brother and sister-in-law. All of a sudden there is a tremendous kind of rainbow glistening light coming off of them and they appear almost frozen in time. Everything in the room is lit up as with an inner light. The beauty factor is overwhelming, takes SWIM's breath away and literlly brings a tear or two to her eyes. SWIM is used to being heavily defended, armored and incapable of much penetrating feeling . . .

Part of this is kind of wonderful, but part of it makes SWIM feel very vulnerable.

SWIM has been having minor incidences of what appear to be telepathy. She does not believe in telepathy and knows that she is probably just not taking count of all the incidences where her alleged telepathy does not work at all . . .

SWIM does not believe in the occult but has agreed to take on a Tarot reading tonight. Her brother and sister-in-law claim that her "aura" is radically changed. That it went from "staticky" to "sparkly." . . .

Any insights or advice (especially from experienced spice travelers) would be appreciated . . .

Well, that's about it. Thanks.

Peace & Love,
Click to expand...

Be welcomed to spice world.
 
Thanks again all. SWIM is going to meditate on two extremes: Stop the experiments or push ahead aggressively.
Click to expand...

personally..i feel that just going for it is the next best step...once you really immerse yourself in the spice...things will continue to get weirder...and weirder...and weirder...and then...everything comes to a point...and you may feel like you really want to take a break...then when you go back to see your spice land...instead of everything being all weird...its all familiar and comfortable...its like an old friend that you havent seen in awhile...getting to this point is very enjoyable...but whats next? you wont know unless you go for it...just remember that you need to make sure that you continue to ground yourself

that little crack that has opened is probably with all of us...its just you hadnt noticed it before...the key is to keep yourself powerful..and to not be taken by delusions and whatnot...remember to believe but question..a paradox...in and out...up and down...not just one but both...or all..smoking weed right after journeys really helps ground yourself...get yourself a crystal to focus on when you feel yourself lifting off when you dont want to...program the crystal to ground you...and to do that...just agree with yourself that when you think, look, or hold that rock or crystal..that you will be grounded and any excess energy from these other realms is balanced with you and everything else...

good luck Pandora...its a strange rabbit hole
 
also you kept talking about not believing in telepathy or flashbacks or whatever....what proof do you have that there isnt something like that...how have you come to your absolute decision that its impossible?

the reason i say this is because the spice will show you things inside and outside of hyperspace that you at one point thought was impossible...what the spice is trying to show you that ANYTHING is possible...not just stuff that you believe or dont believe...the only reason you are having problems inside yourself with these experiences is because you are almost fighting them...you are lying to yourself when you say you dont believe in them..but experience it anyways...this is why you are having the battle in your mind...its like something deep inside yourself is trying to wake up..and your 40 year old you is trying to squash it because that thing trying to come out will blow you out of the water...which is kinda scary..but also...the thing trying to get out has been something that you have been taught to bury...our society doesnt want that part of you out...

because that part is beautiful and powerful and exciting...and that can lead to chaos in our society...and 'they' dont want that
 
Hello Again,

Thank you everyone. The thoughts generated here are fascinating and have got SWIM thinking . . .Jorkest in particular has given her rich food for thought chewing . . .You are obviously a very dangerous free thinker . . .

SWIM is much more grounded on Earth today. She has given it time and things are normalizing. She is a believer in empirical and experiential phenomenon. Otherwise she is skeptical of most claims . . . and she believes (in) very little. Her spice experiences are too few to even count. N basically equals 2. This is a too small sample size from which to draw lasting conclusions. She is tabelling some of her skepticism for now and trying to maintain an "open" mind, saying things like "Anything is possible, but we have to be realistic about what is probable . . ."

She has rationalized her way back to normality. Her bizarre symptoms are dying back. These sypmtoms seemed more indicative of mental malfunction than "Enlightenment" to SWIM. She believes her experience was so profoundly out-of-the-ordinary that it took her many days to begin to fully process even her feelings on the matter and to force her filters back into place. Here is an excerpt from her journal:

Woke up to find that today is mundane! Not that I'll be borrowing my brother's car again anytime soon!!! COV's have finally faded. Pot tolerance is back to normal and no longer yielding a state that felt comparable to a mid-level dose of LSD. Have slept enough to get rid of the crazy sleep deprivation manifestations. The strange tableaux scenes radiating inner (typtamine) light and love started dying back yesterday and are gone today. I was a bit weirded out by the unusual symptoms (including how long they lasted) and the fact everyone in reality and cyberspace were telling me I forever changed. One wonderful thing remains though! An enhanced/labile emotionality - I am very quick to laugh or cry at seemingly minor stimuli! Wow! I have felt dead inside for so many years. This feels alive - I feel alive, and not in a drug-intoxication or addiction type of way! People ignore my barks of laughter over seemingly minor issues and are very tolerant of my dissolving into tears over the smallest stimulus or memory.

I need to reread The Doors of Perception. This has been a filter issue. The filters are firmly back in place. It's strange, I can almost feel the filters in my mind! They feel blocky, bulky, limiting, constraining, etc.

This is different from the walls and doors issue. Completely different. This pertains to my conscsious perception of the world being inherently synesthetic. There are no colors, sounds, tastes, smells, pain or pleasure. There are waves and particles. Waves impact on my seeing/hearing sensory apparatus. My nerves/brain/mind transforms this raw input into the subjective experience of sight and sound. Particles impact (or are ripped from) my smelling, tasting and feeling sensory apparatus and are similarly transformed into the delightful and hellish smells, tastes and feelings in my consensual reality perceptual frame of reference.


The Tarot reading was weird. 1st card was The Magician. Other cards seemed to indicate an internal dichotomy between victory and great loss, triumph and despair, humbleness and out of control ego issues. I have requested a second reading . . .

My ego is running scared and acting more humble . . .I had a dream thick with ominous symbolism. It is not so sure it likes being shattered (quickly or slowly) and rebuilt. It already takes large mushroom doses (compared to my friends and family) or super-psychedelics to dissolve it.

My conscious mind feels an incredible pull to move forward, shatter the ego in multiple ways and explore the fantastic inner realms.

I mentioned to Nemo (my husband) this apparent conflict between the subconscious (dream content) and conscious and he suggested not dosing until they're in agreement. Sounds good on the surface but given what's happening, this may not be possible. Actually considering another divination attempt with Salvia (weird how well that worked last time).

Also, after all this thinking, talking, meditating and sleeping I have come to realize that this IS what I hoped for and was looking for, at least for now. This is novelty, adventure, challenge, beauty, love, insight, fantastic and bizarre realms/experiences and more! Why am I angsting?!?

It's the barely (consciously) acknowledged fear!! Fear of ego dissolution (while simultaneously craving it), fear of seeing something no one is meant to see, fear of a "freakout" or "psychotic break." Perhaps even fear of the adventures and change I am seeking! 41 years of being stuck in my ways . . . this creates the walls, thickens the filters and potentiates the fear!!!

-Journal entry ends.


SWIM now sees that the statement about stopping or continuing the experiments aggressively (once a week) is very rigid :). She should have stated outright that she has an extremely addictive personality, especially for anything new, fascinating or even dangerous (does not have to be psychedelics or other substances). She becomes obsessesed and the new stimulus calls to her, inviting abusive or capricous behavior. Her conscious mind has to reign this in, "Woah! Slow down there! I need 6-7 days to integrate the last experience of this type!" If she followed her base impulses, she would have smoked the spice last night!

But, now that normality has returned, she is firmly mentally committed to exploring the worlds of the spice further. She can definately handle the semi-conscious fear, . . . actually finds it rather exciting and stimulating in and of itself. She will definately try to watch her scheduling and not indulge too frequently. The spice has already earned her great and unabiding respect. She is interested in the idea of multiple trips in one session, but is very concerned her memory would not be able to keep enough for it to be digested on any level . . . one thing she still searches for is meaning . . .


Thanks again.

Peace & Love,
Pandora
 
warrensaged said:
Pandora said:
Of course, pushing ahead aggressively means weekly experiments. SWIM doesn't think she could begin to mentally digest anything else more frequenst
Click to expand...

Why would that be the next logical step??

What is the point of forcing yourself to do "weekly experiments" if you don't feel ready?
There are no rules, no necessities of any kind...unless you are creating them. So don't do that.

How about just experimenting when you feel the need? When you feel you are ready.

Personally, I only use DMT when the stars are in perfect alignment!:lol: Everything has to be just right.
Click to expand...

Very true. Pushing boudaries is ok, but only if that's what you feel you need. I don't do Spice very often any more. As warrensaged said, everything needs to be just right for me to get something meaningful out of the experience. Many times when I did it just because I had the time I would have a very nice experience, but it was rather shallow and meaningless (other than the typical "reset" that happens)


I also tend to give more away to friends than I do myself. Usually without doing any myself...I love turning people on to DMT, just as much as I love going to that place myself!
Click to expand...

You know, I do the same thing. I give away more spice than I smoke. I love to see people's first few times. Their expressions, giant smiles, and "WOW"s all make it a fun experience to watch.


Pandora said:
It is probably cumulative exposure, starting with her Salvia experiments, weekly mushroom trips and a couple of spice experiences. She has no other explanation. But part of her feels that the spice blasted her door open so wide that although the blinding light isn't coming out anymore there is still an opening, a crack and some stuff is continuing to come through . . . Difficult to explain.
Click to expand...

Salvia is a weird one. The after effects can last up to a month. People who have had strong bad experiences with Salvia say they don't feel right for a long time afterwards. Please tread carefully with Ska Pastora...she can be one hardcore plant teacher. I imagine that your salvia useage, in combination with the tryptamines brought back your HPPD. I myself used to have very bad HPPD, due to my overuse of a phen similar to mescaline. Strong doses of mj can bring this back full force...though the sparklies are gone most of the time now-a-days. The day after a strong mushroom experience can also bring the HPPD back full force, but it is usually gone the next day.

I've also found that when I close my eyes I can bring back the images of hyperspace. It seems that I can reach the visuals and visions without the Spice. Granted it's not the same as a spice voyage, but more like looking through a window that's far away. Hard to describe.
 
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