Forgiveness

[Tripolation]

Forgiveness is something that I struggle with immensely. Holding grudges is not healthy and I know it. Resentment and anger remain even after I attempt forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require proximity as some of those I seek to forgive are no longer living, no longer in my life or a long distance away. I say the words, I forgive, and yet memories remain unable to forget. It remains an unresolved issue in my life that I struggle with deeply. I have silently distanced myself from some of my family members who lack boundaries, create chaos and drama, manipulate and drain my energy. I feel like I have all the tools and knowledge in my mind and know the answer to forgiveness yet I still struggle with it. Perhaps I am just stubborn. I need to get it through my thick skull somehow. Perhaps I somehow became so accustomed to carry around these burdens that I simply just continue down the road used to carrying the extra load.

I seek advice for forgiving and examples or anecdotes of forgiveness. I have done a lot of reading on this topic lately and some of the stories I have read touch my being in a profound way. Many of the stories I have read, these people have been through far worse than me and yet find the strength to forgive and I find it absolutely amazing and beautiful. I become teary eyed hearing stories of forgiveness and long for true forgiveness in my heart. Why is it so hard for me I wonder? I know I need to let it go yet keep it close. Like holding onto a hot coal and allowing it to burn me. I could give advice to others regarding this topic yet struggle to do it myself.

I meditate on this topic. I wish to hear your story of forgiveness. How and why did you forgive? What to do with the memory of pain caused by another? How did your life change after you forgave?

Thanks ahead of time for your contributions to the thread. I think that this could not only help me, but other people as well who may be struggling with forgiving.

 

[DancinDog]

Are you able to forgive yourself? If so, perhaps you can learn that others also have weaknesses too. That may help you forgive some of the folks on your list. However, some things don't really deserve forgiveness. The best I can do is try to forget, or ignore them.

Live for today & the future, making the best of what you can control. You can't change the past, so cherish the good and let the bad fade away.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I think you're being too hard on yourself based on what you've shared.

I say the words, I forgive, and yet memories remain unable to forget.

You can't unring a bell. Forgiveness doesn't entail forgetting. If there's still pain from which you have forgiven the person for, then there's healing for you to do. At the same time, forgiveness is for you. I've forgiven people and still refuse to talk to them. I just carry less of the animosity, but I remember how much I may not be able to say trust that person, so no point in connection. As @DancinDog said, somethings probably should not be forgiven.

I have silently distanced myself from some of my family members who lack boundaries, create chaos and drama, manipulate and drain my energy.

This is healthy boundary setting. And if they still behave in these ways, what's the point in forgiveness in the first place?

Many of the stories I have read, these people have been through far worse than me and yet find the strength to forgive and I find it absolutely amazing and beautiful.

Careful, your experience is yours, their experience is theirs, there's so many variables beneath the surface, that this comparison of them having gone through more than you doesn't do you any good. Don't marginalize your own pain. However, seek to understand if you feel your reasoning for this pain is just to you.

Forgiveness is a road. Depending on what and who we're forgiving, it can be a long road.

Forgive yourself for what you feel is your lack of forgiveness.

One love

 

[🌺🔥🫧]

Can you stop f****** posting b******* on this forum???


...


Wow how beautifully you have written, thank you.

And those are such divine questions, how beautiful of you, to ask them ~


My only wish for you is that, you give these questions the space, silence, and time to be. I have faith that the answers will come to you because deep inside, you Know.


This was a meditation for me, so thank you for that xD ...

 

[Tripolation]

Thanks for your kind responses. I really do appreciate the time you guys took. I have never really asked for help before so it mean the world to me!

Fire... not sure why the harshness and it is certainly not appreciated. Please do not interact with me further.

 

[Transform]

Thanks for your kind responses. I really do appreciate the time you guys took. I have never really asked for help before so it mean the world to me!

Fire... not sure why the harshness and it is certainly not appreciated. Please do not interact with me further.

Sorry not to have responded sooner to the post that fails to meet our community standards. It seems as though it was intended to be provocative in some ultimately positive way, but clearly fell wide of the mark.

@🌺🔥🫧 - please amend your post in line with our attitude rules, or it will be deleted.

Respectful communication

Watch your language. Communication is comprised of not only the explicit but also the implicit messages, which are transmitted through choice of words and general tone of speech. We do not want curse words and immature slang in the Nexus! Please use language in a dignified manner.

 

[CosmicRiver]

I think that you can forgive when you develop compassion (it doesn't mean justifying or denying what they did) for the people who hurt you. You can imagine yourself being in their situation and find out the factors that brought them to do what they did. That won't change the wrongness of what they did, but you will see their behavior as a consequence of something else and so it will be easier for you to understand their behavior.

I don't think you can forgive by forcing yourself to do it. And I don't know if strength is what makes people forgive. Because being constantly angry or resentful at someone is draining at doesn't make you feel good. So I'd say you've been strong to withstand this anger. Now you can let go and feel better.

Accept your anger as well. It has a cause too (their behavior). To forgive you don't have to think that you're wrong to feel angry. You're right to feel angry. I think that accepting you anger is part of the forgiving process.
You "just" have to see the causes of their behavior, be it their own suffering or ignorance or even sadistic behavior for whatever reason. This is to see that their behavior had nothing to do with you, but with them. You were the victim but not the cause of their behavior.
Then see the cause of your anger, see that you were right to be angry, but now that the cause for your anger is not here anymore, the anger can cease. You can let go of anger because you simply don't need it anymore.

 

[🌺🔥🫧]

Fire... not sure why the harshness and it is certainly not appreciated. Please do not interact with me further.

Fine! I don't want to talk to you either ANYWAYS! Let's agree to mutually mute each other and never see each other again, forever. Stay away from me. I don't want anything to do with you. I'm blocking you. Don't ever come to me if you need anything. I won't be here anyways. And no, I don't care about you, and I sure as heck don't forgive you for being perfectly imperfectly you. I need to surround myself with good people, who understand me and are willing to listen, and I can't find them so I'm sorry, I just don't have time for you. Swipe!



A community message: This message is a sincere ACT and attempt at engaging said seeker.


The only thing you reacted to was the beginning part of my message @Tripolation, and your reaction is to simply extinguish said issue. You can put out these fires in your life, but they will not disappear. Eventually you must learn to be with people, and phenomena, as the are, with all their imperfections. In the universe what you avoid doesn't disappear. You can try to avoid as long as you like and it will work until it just doesn't anymore. Reality is graceful to us that way. The choice is in part yours, should you feel ready to make it. You are BIGGER than these things which afflict you. You can literally make space for them, within yourself, to exist as they are.

You can forgive, by letting those you'd like to forgive, exist as they are, with all their imperfections. Even if part of them might always be hurtful, you can forgive them by accepting that part of them. That part of them is a hurting hurter, that hurts you, and they ARE HURTFUL. So I invite you not to cast your gaze away from me, to mute me, or otherwise make me disappear. I am a part of the universe and I will not ultimately disappear, but I can disappear for now until you are ready, if you should like it to be so.

Your spiritual voice matters, that is the truth, and that truth will manifest whether the world sees that, or doesn't. These things you cannot forgive right now, I believe you will forgive, because your heart is more immense than you know. I find your questions to be so beautiful, thank you for asking them, and thank you for caring about them. They are very divine! If I am not muted, I hope this message receives you well.


Hopefully more luv than before,

 

[Tripolation]

I immediately have the opportunity to forgive here. I do. Go in peace.

 

[Tripolation]

You all have made some very good points that I think that I was blinded by my own thinking. Someone told me recently that you can't do everything by yourself and I see that now. Sometimes it takes and outside perspective to allow for a better understanding of the bigger picture. I am on my way to healing truly, this has been a long journey for me. I will let go of the anger and resentment. I hope my forgiveness ripples and finds those who needed forgiveness. I know some people may not deserve forgiveness but in my case I have to let it all go. I have to move on and find the happiness that I have been looking for my entire life. I needed this place at this moment in time.

I forgave myself first some time ago and for some reason just could not see that this could translate to others. They made mistakes as I have in my life, those who still live deserve to live in peace and I do not wish ill on anyone who has hurt me in the past. I hope they find happiness as well. I hope they are well right now. This feels like a final obstacle for getting over something that has haunted me since childhood. I think that I can really heal now, I can be a little more positive, a little more social and a little bit better of a person. I still have personal work and healing to accomplish and the advice here is well received. You made a difference in my life today!

From the bottom of my heart thank you so much guys. I needed to hear these things. You guys are absolutely amazing people!

 

[Transform]

Hm, we may well have pulled the habit out of the rat with this one, if you'll pardon the Spoonerism.

 

[northape]

One of my old friendships needed to be cut loose, because of constant gaslighting from said friend.
It took me more than one year and a few dozen sessions with the medicine to forgive him.

Buddhists have this method called tonglen: you take into yourself all the hurt and darkness on the in breath and
send love and compassion on the out breath. I was quite skeptical of it, but this practice created a little opening in my inner
dialog. It's not an easy method, but it tends to let one see from the other perspective. People who hurt us are themselves hurt.

Another one was gratitude. Be grateful for all the good that came from your interactions, even if it was a lesson in patience and
forgiveness. Medicine showed me this time after time. I've tried to send love and happiness to this person.

Everyone deserves forgiveness, but there is no need to let them know. Forgiveness happens inside ourselves.
It's a shift in relationship with this projection of a person we have inside us.
Just like anger and resentment hurt us foremost, letting go of them frees us.
Basically, we're working with our own mind all the time.

Sometimes I still become angry, but I know that no one is at fault. I try to only send blessings to others.
This type of healing takes time. Be kind to yourself. Walks in nature help a lot too.
Peace

Edit: Oh and Prayer! Prayer helps, whether you believe in a higher power or not. You can pray to Cosmos

 

[Tripolation]

It's funny you added that last edit northape. I have been asking for guidance and help from the universe through prayer quite a but lately. I really have been struggling. I ask please show me the way, please help me find a better course, please allow me to find peace and happiness. I asked these things so I can be a better man. The answers come in slowly. I see that the universe responds to me. I just had to look, which I had not for a long time because I was stuck in a negative loop, mostly because of my anger and resentment. I asked for help and put it out there. I did that here, I did it in prayer, I have been trying to be more open, vulnerable, honest and sincere.

I agree with gratitude. Every night before I go to sleep I concentrate on the things in my life that are beautiful. Hate goggles suck. The world seems mean and nasty. The world seems to reflect what we put out into it. This is me trying to change, be better for myself and the world. I do this the most for my daughter. I need to be the example. I always have put on a smiling face when I am with her, not letting her see the pain. Kids are pretty smart and my kiddo would ask "are you ok dad?!", she knew something was off. I cannot put on a charade, now I will show her what a good man looks like, what a good man behaves like. I am very lucky to have her in my life! She is my angel!

We affect those around us. They can feel it. I want people to feel calm and peaceful around me. That is my goal. I had to get past some things first and I will read and re-read the advice given here and reflect. Terence Mckenna said Nature rewards courage. I am trying to be courageous as best I can and wait for that to ripple back with time.

 

[yatyas314]

Forgiveness is something that I struggle with immensely. Holding grudges is not healthy and I know it. Resentment and anger remain even after I attempt forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require proximity as some of those I seek to forgive are no longer living, no longer in my life or a long distance away. I say the words, I forgive, and yet memories remain unable to forget. It remains an unresolved issue in my life that I struggle with deeply. I have silently distanced myself from some of my family members who lack boundaries, create chaos and drama, manipulate and drain my energy. I feel like I have all the tools and knowledge in my mind and know the answer to forgiveness yet I still struggle with it. Perhaps I am just stubborn. I need to get it through my thick skull somehow. Perhaps I somehow became so accustomed to carry around these burdens that I simply just continue down the road used to carrying the extra load.

I seek advice for forgiving and examples or anecdotes of forgiveness. I have done a lot of reading on this topic lately and some of the stories I have read touch my being in a profound way. Many of the stories I have read, these people have been through far worse than me and yet find the strength to forgive and I find it absolutely amazing and beautiful. I become teary eyed hearing stories of forgiveness and long for true forgiveness in my heart. Why is it so hard for me I wonder? I know I need to let it go yet keep it close. Like holding onto a hot coal and allowing it to burn me. I could give advice to others regarding this topic yet struggle to do it myself.

I meditate on this topic. I wish to hear your story of forgiveness. How and why did you forgive? What to do with the memory of pain caused by another? How did your life change after you forgave?

Thanks ahead of time for your contributions to the thread. I think that this could not only help me, but other people as well who may be struggling with forgiving.

Reading the initial post a lot of members have already nailed my intuitive answer, Who exactly needs forgiveness in your life? Probably you.
As far as dealing with souls that are no longer with us, I can use my father for an example. I just let it go, I recognized him as another person who was flawed like I am, just in different ways. When that sunk in I let it all go, no longer needed to forgive him. People are complex beautiful things and I am sure that if you treat yourself as such you will find a lot of the answers that you are looking for now.
Y

 

[CommonConduit]

Wouldn’t try to forgive others honestly.

Focus on forgiving yourself, for blaming others?

 

[Varallo]

I don’t agree with the train of thought here, I think that while self-forgiveness can be beneficial for personal peace, it is not a necessary condition for forgiving others. Forgiveness, whether self-directed or directed toward others, is a distinct and personal process, and I strongly believe that each can occur independently of the other. To be precise I think that placing the burden of self-forgiveness as a prerequisite for forgiving others can limit emotional growth and healing and might do more harm than good.

Before continuing first I like to define what forgiveness is, to me I would describe forgiveness as releasing resentment toward someone. With the goal of being able to ment relationships and or move forward. Forgiving others stems from understanding their motives, vulnerabilities, or humanity. In a way it’s what @yatyas314 is describing, it’s an emphatic process.

This act of empathy does not require you to feel good about yourself. You can empathize with others struggles and mistakes even if you are critical of your own. So therefore there is no need to forgive yourself first. Forgiving others is an internal outward facing process, self-forgiveness, by contrast, is an inward-facing process and doesn’t have to precede acts of interpersonal reconciliation.

In short, forgiveness is not necessary contingent upon any internal state. It is an intentional decision to let go of resentment or desire for revenge. This choice can be made independently of whether you’ve reconciled with your own mistakes or guilt.

To the OP If you’re up for it we could dig a little deeper into your experience, starting with the first question we could maybe make an effort to solve the first step in your journey to finding out what is stopping you.

The question would be, why do you want to forgive these people? Not saying that I don’t understand the burden that you feel isn’t a good enough reason, but separating these things is important for healing. So why would you forgive these people other than to unburden yourself?

I believe that when you have an answer to this question you can start to move forward, because it’s the start of the emphatic process that is also focused upon the outside world rather then on your internal world.

Finally forgiveness is a journey, not a one-time act. Be patient with yourself as you work through it. It’s okay to feel stuck or unsure at times, but every step you take toward forgiveness brings you closer.

Much love

 

[CommonConduit]

Mmm, yes, such a difference matters as long as you make a distinction between inside of yourself and the outside.

I’m no psychoanalyst, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re for - resolving your inner world with the supposed other.

I’m open to the idea that you can ‘simply’ choose to reconcile/forgive parts within your ‘self’.

Takes courage!

“I'm afraid and I don't know what I am
And I don't know where to turn
But I'll learn”

TesseracT - Burden

 

[Varallo]

Mmm, yes, such a difference matters as long as you make a distinction between inside of yourself and the outside.

I’m no psychoanalyst, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re for - resolving your inner world with the supposed other.

I’m open to the idea that you can ‘simply’ choose to reconcile/forgive parts within your ‘self’.

Takes courage!

“I'm afraid and I don't know what I am
And I don't know where to turn
But I'll learn”

TesseracT - Burden

I think it’s good to make explicit that I don’t think that it’s not a good idea to forgive oneself I just think it’s not prerequisite for forgiving others. Also reading my own post I realized that I state some of my thoughts as if they are the truth and looking back it may have been better to write them as an alternative point of view. What I am trying to say is I really appreciate your input and I hope that I don’t close the discussion with my style of writing.

 

[CommonConduit]

No biggie!
I’d just be mindful of the way we frame the .. conflict.
You find your way.

 

[Tripolation]

I want even those that hurt me most to find peace. I want to truly say 'I forgive you' and forget about it, never to drum it up again. The tension resolved for myself, but also for anyone who has troubled me. Getting pain and yet somehow returning love. To stop the cycle of pain. To make the ending beautiful. With resentment and anger unresolved it felt like there was no end. The tension remains in place, frozen in time. I seek to forget about it entirely and allow both parties to feel peaceful when they sleep. Not to brush it under the carpet but to sweep all of it out. Completely clean. Tension resolved. Beauty returned. Lessons learned and everyone can feel at ease once more.

I simply could not understand why these terrible things happened to me at such a young age. It is just mind boggling and I will never figure that out, it just simply is not in my nature to ever cause harm to a child. I cannot and will never understand it. I went back into my mind and found my kid self and soothed him. Telling him it's ok. They don't know what they are doing kid. They are not thinking straight and it is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. I hug him.

For a very long time I hated that kid with the same rage and anger that he had received. I was doing myself wrong for years because that is what I was conditioned to believe about myself. I grew up thinking I was no good, stupid, moronic, and every other bad name you can think of. Every times I would make a mistake I would beat myself up and call myself all the things I had when I was a child. I felt thrown away, abandoned, neglected and unloved as a child. As an adult I would throw myself away, abandon myself, neglect myself and certainly never loved myself. I hated myself since I was a kid. That kid was a worthless piece of shit not deserving of love for even one instant. Oh my god, what a horrible way to live. I feel so bad for that kid now.

Tears well up as I now find that kid and tell him it's ok. You are so beautiful. You are worthy of love. I will never abandon you. I will always be here for you. You are the most important. I found this by loving my daughter with absolute unconditional love. I wanted to be a good father so bad because I know how much it hurts to have parents that don't give a shit about you. I will always protect her with everything I have. I would do anything for her. It is love that is never ending. It has no bounds and it is very powerful. You can love another without loving yourself. You can also forgive without forgiving yourself. Something will remain unresolved. I did find that kid and now love him as much as I love my daughter. He deserves to be happy and loved unconditionally.

Those that hurt me and abandoned me were once children themselves. I imagine finding them as a child and soothing them as well. Exactly the same love given to them as I give my daughter. Love is not something that has bounds. I see that something happened to them in their life where they got lost and somehow took it out on a weak child. They were lost because their kid self was not loved or abused in some way. It is a vicious cycle. It ends with me. I forgive them because everyone deserves peace. I forgive them because I found something beautiful and now seek to release it into the world. My god what a powerful thought soothing the child self of someone who has hurt you. It blew up in my mind and I cried. Hugging a child you love with all your heart is the most beautiful, wonderful and powerful thing I have ever experience while on this planet. If every parent did this and experienced this the world would be a much better place.

Thank you for allowing me to get this out there. I truly was struggling like you wouldn't believe because I don't have any friends or family to talk to. I isolated myself for years now. This was something that was so much in my way there was no way forward until this was resolved. Please do keep posting on this thread any advise you have about forgiveness. It is something the whole world needs. I truly know talking about it is setting me on my way towards a more forgiving way of being. It's a process and I do still have much healing to do. This was a one step. Anyhow.. that is where I am at in this at this moment. I certainly hope it help others.