Forgiveness

[Tripolation]

Forgiveness is something that I struggle with immensely. Holding grudges is not healthy and I know it. Resentment and anger remain even after I attempt forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require proximity as some of those I seek to forgive are no longer living, no longer in my life or a long distance away. I say the words, I forgive, and yet memories remain unable to forget. It remains an unresolved issue in my life that I struggle with deeply. I have silently distanced myself from some of my family members who lack boundaries, create chaos and drama, manipulate and drain my energy. I feel like I have all the tools and knowledge in my mind and know the answer to forgiveness yet I still struggle with it. Perhaps I am just stubborn. I need to get it through my thick skull somehow. Perhaps I somehow became so accustomed to carry around these burdens that I simply just continue down the road used to carrying the extra load.

I seek advice for forgiving and examples or anecdotes of forgiveness. I have done a lot of reading on this topic lately and some of the stories I have read touch my being in a profound way. Many of the stories I have read, these people have been through far worse than me and yet find the strength to forgive and I find it absolutely amazing and beautiful. I become teary eyed hearing stories of forgiveness and long for true forgiveness in my heart. Why is it so hard for me I wonder? I know I need to let it go yet keep it close. Like holding onto a hot coal and allowing it to burn me. I could give advice to others regarding this topic yet struggle to do it myself.

I meditate on this topic. I wish to hear your story of forgiveness. How and why did you forgive? What to do with the memory of pain caused by another? How did your life change after you forgave?

Thanks ahead of time for your contributions to the thread. I think that this could not only help me, but other people as well who may be struggling with forgiving.

 

[CommonConduit]

Thanks for letting it out @Tripolation

Cycle-breakers, unite

 

[Varallo]

I want even those that hurt me most to find peace. I want to truly say 'I forgive you' and forget about it, never to drum it up again. The tension resolved for myself, but also for anyone who has troubled me. Getting pain and yet somehow returning love. To stop the cycle of pain. To make the ending beautiful. With resentment and anger unresolved it felt like there was no end. The tension remains in place, frozen in time. I seek to forget about it entirely and allow both parties to feel peaceful when they sleep. Not to brush it under the carpet but to sweep all of it out. Completely clean. Tension resolved. Beauty returned. Lessons learned and everyone can feel at ease once more.

I simply could not understand why these terrible things happened to me at such a young age. It is just mind boggling and I will never figure that out, it just simply is not in my nature to ever cause harm to a child. I cannot and will never understand it. I went back into my mind and found my kid self and soothed him. Telling him it's ok. They don't know what they are doing kid. They are not thinking straight and it is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. I hug him.

For a very long time I hated that kid with the same rage and anger that he had received. I was doing myself wrong for years because that is what I was conditioned to believe about myself. I grew up thinking I was no good, stupid, moronic, and every other bad name you can think of. Every times I would make a mistake I would beat myself up and call myself all the things I had when I was a child. I felt thrown away, abandoned, neglected and unloved as a child. As an adult I would throw myself away, abandon myself, neglect myself and certainly never loved myself. I hated myself since I was a kid. That kid was a worthless piece of shit not deserving of love for even one instant. Oh my god, what a horrible way to live. I feel so bad for that kid now.

Tears well up as I now find that kid and tell him it's ok. You are so beautiful. You are worthy of love. I will never abandon you. I will always be here for you. You are the most important. I found this by loving my daughter with absolute unconditional love. I wanted to be a good father so bad because I know how much it hurts to have parents that don't give a shit about you. I will always protect her with everything I have. I would do anything for her. It is love that is never ending. It has no bounds and it is very powerful. You can love another without loving yourself. You can also forgive without forgiving yourself. Something will remain unresolved. I did find that kid and now love him as much as I love my daughter. He deserves to be happy and loved unconditionally.

Those that hurt me and abandoned me were once children themselves. I imagine finding them as a child and soothing them as well. Exactly the same love given to them as I give my daughter. Love is not something that has bounds. I see that something happened to them in their life where they got lost and somehow took it out on a weak child. They were lost because their kid self was not loved or abused in some way. It is a vicious cycle. It ends with me. I forgive them because everyone deserves peace. I forgive them because I found something beautiful and now seek to release it into the world. My god what a powerful thought soothing the child self of someone who has hurt you. It blew up in my mind and I cried. Hugging a child you love with all your heart is the most beautiful, wonderful and powerful thing I have ever experience while on this planet. If every parent did this and experienced this the world would be a much better place.

Thank you for allowing me to get this out there. I truly was struggling like you wouldn't believe because I don't have any friends or family to talk to. I isolated myself for years now. This was something that was so much in my way there was no way forward until this was resolved. Please do keep posting on this thread any advise you have about forgiveness. It is something the whole world needs. I truly know talking about it is setting me on my way towards a more forgiving way of being. It's a process and I do still have much healing to do. This was a one step. Anyhow.. that is where I am at in this at this moment. I certainly hope it help others.

Wow that is an difficult one, I need some time to think on this, my first thoughts are how to differentiate between trauma and forgiving the ones that put that on you, in other words is this a case of forgiving or is the forgiving a method of dealing with the trauma, I think it’s possible that it’s the latter especially because you’re already so far in the process of forgiving, I mean in a way I think you have done that already. The difficulty now is how to proceed without risking further harm to yourself and how to slowly recover and heal yourself. I also think there’s a risk that the resolution you’re looking for might not be obtainable, or is at least beyond your control.

I am going to think a bit and wait and see what others have to say, hopefully I will then be able to help you out a bit.

Finally thanks for sharing, and being a kind father the world needs those.

 

[Tripolation]

Wow that is an difficult one, I need some time to think on this, my first thoughts are how to differentiate between trauma and forgiving the ones that put that on you, in other words is this a case of forgiving or is the forgiving a method of dealing with the trauma, I think it’s possible that it’s the latter especially because you’re already so far in the process of forgiving, I mean in a way I think you have done that already. The difficulty now is how to proceed without risking further harm to yourself and how to slowly recover and heal yourself. I also think there’s a risk that the resolution you’re looking for might not be obtainable, or is at least beyond your control.

I am going to think a bit and wait and see what others have to say, hopefully I will then be able to help you out a bit.

Finally thanks for sharing, and being a kind father the world needs those.

I understand what you are saying. There will be no reconciliation when it comes to repairing the relationships. There is no way to fix that. I have scars as a reminder of what happened to me. I have the pain, anguish, years of being angry and resentful and terrible memories that haunted me. Some of which I cannot remember fully, bits and pieces, as if my brain somehow shut down at the moment of the trauma. I have that pain, anger and memories, yes, but I have sat with those things long enough now. I don't require an apology or a heart felt talk from them. I don't even need them in my life at all. The anger needed to be felt, the tears needed to fall from my eyes. Forgiveness could not happen for many years because I had to feel those things and now I feel it can forgive. I don't forgive what they have done. I forgive the pain and anger and all the emotions they caused and I think that is an important distinction. The acts were not ok and never will be. But I can forgive the pain that I experienced after.

For years blaming them for my pain was easier. I am this way because of what they did. There was nothing wrong with that either, I mean it is a process and no one can say ok today you can forgive, ok now you can move on. Now I want to change the story, I want to tell it the way I want to. They no longer are responsible for my pain as I forgive. I take over the narrative and change the story to one of healing. I think I have the wisdom now to forgive and not fall back into their traps, manipulations, negativity and pain. Ending the loop of pain. Ending the horrible story and creating something new for myself. Creating a life I can be proud of without them in it. Taking responsibility for my own emotional, mental and spiritual development because I finally see that I am worth the effort of healing myself.

Healing is a long road, maybe even a lifetime and that is fine. It just takes the right amount of effort. Get up and start anew.

EDIT: Oh god please tell me I didn't overshare. lol

 

[Tripolation]

Fine! I don't want to talk to you either ANYWAYS! Let's agree to mutually mute each other and never see each other again, forever. Stay away from me. I don't want anything to do with you. I'm blocking you. Don't ever come to me if you need anything. I won't be here anyways. And no, I don't care about you, and I sure as heck don't forgive you for being perfectly imperfectly you. I need to surround myself with good people, who understand me and are willing to listen, and I can't find them so I'm sorry, I just don't have time for you. Swipe!



A community message: This message is a sincere ACT and attempt at engaging said seeker.


The only thing you reacted to was the beginning part of my message @Tripolation, and your reaction is to simply extinguish said issue. You can put out these fires in your life, but they will not disappear. Eventually you must learn to be with people, and phenomena, as the are, with all their imperfections. In the universe what you avoid doesn't disappear. You can try to avoid as long as you like and it will work until it just doesn't anymore. Reality is graceful to us that way. The choice is in part yours, should you feel ready to make it. You are BIGGER than these things which afflict you. You can literally make space for them, within yourself, to exist as they are.

You can forgive, by letting those you'd like to forgive, exist as they are, with all their imperfections. Even if part of them might always be hurtful, you can forgive them by accepting that part of them. That part of them is a hurting hurter, that hurts you, and they ARE HURTFUL. So I invite you not to cast your gaze away from me, to mute me, or otherwise make me disappear. I am a part of the universe and I will not ultimately disappear, but I can disappear for now until you are ready, if you should like it to be so.

Your spiritual voice matters, that is the truth, and that truth will manifest whether the world sees that, or doesn't. These things you cannot forgive right now, I believe you will forgive, because your heart is more immense than you know. I find your questions to be so beautiful, thank you for asking them, and thank you for caring about them. They are very divine! If I am not muted, I hope this message receives you well.


Hopefully more luv than before,

It is all good. Perhaps I misunderstood. I didn't understand why you wrote that and still don't. I was completely shocked. It is still kind of back and forth even within the same message here leaving me confused. I am one of those guys who says what he means and means what he says. I am socially awkward and misunderstand some things often with people. I don't get out much or talk to very many people.

Thank you for the advice.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Forgiveness is something that I struggle with immensely. Holding grudges is not healthy and I know it. Resentment and anger remain even after I attempt forgiveness. Forgiveness does not require proximity as some of those I seek to forgive are no longer living, no longer in my life or a long distance away. I say the words, I forgive, and yet memories remain unable to forget. It remains an unresolved issue in my life that I struggle with deeply. I have silently distanced myself from some of my family members who lack boundaries, create chaos and drama, manipulate and drain my energy. I feel like I have all the tools and knowledge in my mind and know the answer to forgiveness yet I still struggle with it. Perhaps I am just stubborn. I need to get it through my thick skull somehow. Perhaps I somehow became so accustomed to carry around these burdens that I simply just continue down the road used to carrying the extra load.

I seek advice for forgiving and examples or anecdotes of forgiveness. I have done a lot of reading on this topic lately and some of the stories I have read touch my being in a profound way. Many of the stories I have read, these people have been through far worse than me and yet find the strength to forgive and I find it absolutely amazing and beautiful. I become teary eyed hearing stories of forgiveness and long for true forgiveness in my heart. Why is it so hard for me I wonder? I know I need to let it go yet keep it close. Like holding onto a hot coal and allowing it to burn me. I could give advice to others regarding this topic yet struggle to do it myself.

I meditate on this topic. I wish to hear your story of forgiveness. How and why did you forgive? What to do with the memory of pain caused by another? How did your life change after you forgave?

Thanks ahead of time for your contributions to the thread. I think that this could not only help me, but other people as well who may be struggling with forgiving.

Compassionate shadow work at its finest.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I'd like to concede that this process can be repetitive and ongoing. There are people in my daily life that I have to forgive for childhood things over and over. I've shared that I'm not a fan of my dad. But he's pissed off so many people and burned so many bridges that I'm the only one that responds to him (and most people that know him are shocked). So why am I doing it. Part of it is compassion. He was deprived love as a child in many ways. Now while he translated that to me, I'm trying to change the trend now by giving him what he didn't get as a child. Another reason is because it just seems right. He drove me nuts then, he drives me nuts now, but everyone needs someone...

We're proud of you @Tripolation

One love

 

[Tripolation]

I'd like to concede that this process can be repetitive and ongoing. There are people in my daily life that I have to forgive for childhood things over and over. I've shared that I'm not a fan of my dad. But he's pissed off so many people and burned so many bridges that I'm the only one that responds to him (and most people that know him are shocked). So why am I doing it. Part of it is compassion. He was deprived love as a child in many ways. Now while he translated that to me, I'm trying to change the trend now by giving him what he didn't get as a child. Another reason is because it just seems right. He drove me nuts then, he drives me nuts now, but everyone needs someone...

We're proud of you @Tripolation

One love

Thank you for talking about your dad.

That is first time I have ever had anyone say they are proud of me in my life. Hearing that was very touching for me!

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you for talking about your dad.

That is first time I have ever had anyone say they are proud of me in my life. Hearing that was very touching for me!

I'm oddly candid (I say that because a member actually tried to weaponize things that I've said about my father against me, and I thought about that but still shared.

Well I am. And I'm not the only one. And I'm sorry that you haven't heard that up until now. But you did some big work on this page. I hope that you revisit what you wrote to reinforce your new stance.

And while I may be proud of you, as well as others, the most important thing is being proud of yourself. Easier said than done, especially if we didn't learn how to be proud of ourselves from others at an early age.

One love

 

[Tripolation]

Soooo.... every since I started this thread I felt like sticking my head in the sand. Why post on the nexus and share all this? Well... I have always been a hard and callous individual. A few years ago I would said this sort of thinking is being a p*&sy and acting like a b*7ch. I couldn't be farther from the truth in thinking that. No need to stick my head in the sand. It takes courage to be vulnerable and share things that are personal in nature. It takes courage to cry. I didn't do these things for my entire life and it just is not good for you. I chose to share here because why not? I have received better advice and more caring here than anyplace I can think of.

Years of reading self-help books, watching videos on self-help and what not and largely just kind of tried to forget rather than confront what was bothering me. I dealt with all the emotions one at a time but anger remained. I was this hard, callous asshole that could do it all by myself all the time. I just didn't want to be that guy anymore. Soo... yes.. I shared what I feel could be TMI but it is already done and I feel better for it even if I am little embarrassed. I do feel like I am slowly letting things go and I do feel less angry day by day, little by little. Shadow work is a great way to put it voidmatrix. I have read some Jung and he stressed the importance of integrating the subconscious dark side of ourselves enable to become whole. That is exactly what I have been trying to do.

I wanted to take a moment to thank anyone who responded to this thread. I VERY MUCH APPRECIATE IT! THANK YOU! I screamed that see... it's in all CAPS. I imagine a meeting taking place where people are discussing... hey... I think this dude is losing here.. watch him... lol No worries.. I lost it a long time ago if I ever had it. I will always be a little crazy, nuts, weird or whatever. So be it... Normal people are boring anyway. I think you guys are a little weird too from time to time so we are even. Psychedelic souls are the best weirdos on the planet and as far as I am concerned I picked the best place to talk about this stuff.

Again.. thank you for listening and being patient with this crazy guy here. I'll be fine. I just want to reduce the suffering in the world and that starts with me changing to do my best to be a more positive, peaceful, compassionate and loving human being.

Y'all take care.

 

[Kobranek]

Forgiveness is meant to release resentment and anger which is a hard thing for me to do a well. I don't think it is meant to come easy because of the tendency to protect ourselves as a survival mechanism. We're not going to keep putting ourselves in harms way or in an environment that continues to do so. I see forgiveness as one of the most powerful acts that we can experience but yet one of the hardest to accomplish. It takes real world experience to understand and practice what our values are that we truly honor.

Reconciliation is another powerful act that can only be rewarded by those who are truly forgiving of one another. If one is not ready to forgive reconciliation cannot be obtained.

I admit I struggle to forgive myself at times and project that onto others which fuels the cycle. It takes practice and is always a work in practice.

 

[🌺🔥🫧]

Soooo.... every since I started this thread I felt like sticking my head in the sand. Why post on the nexus and share all this? Well... I have always been a hard and callous individual. A few years ago I would said this sort of thinking is being a p*&sy and acting like a b*7ch. I couldn't be farther from the truth in thinking that. No need to stick my head in the sand. It takes courage to be vulnerable and share things that are personal in nature. It takes courage to cry. I didn't do these things for my entire life and it just is not good for you. I chose to share here because why not? I have received better advice and more caring here than anyplace I can think of.

Years of reading self-help books, watching videos on self-help and what not and largely just kind of tried to forget rather than confront what was bothering me. I dealt with all the emotions one at a time but anger remained. I was this hard, callous asshole that could do it all by myself all the time. I just didn't want to be that guy anymore. Soo... yes.. I shared what I feel could be TMI but it is already done and I feel better for it even if I am little embarrassed. I do feel like I am slowly letting things go and I do feel less angry day by day, little by little. Shadow work is a great way to put it voidmatrix. I have read some Jung and he stressed the importance of integrating the subconscious dark side of ourselves enable to become whole. That is exactly what I have been trying to do.

I wanted to take a moment to thank anyone who responded to this thread. I VERY MUCH APPRECIATE IT! THANK YOU! I screamed that see... it's in all CAPS. I imagine a meeting taking place where people are discussing... hey... I think this dude is losing here.. watch him... lol No worries.. I lost it a long time ago if I ever had it. I will always be a little crazy, nuts, weird or whatever. So be it... Normal people are boring anyway. I think you guys are a little weird too from time to time so we are even. Psychedelic souls are the best weirdos on the planet and as far as I am concerned I picked the best place to talk about this stuff.

Again.. thank you for listening and being patient with this crazy guy here. I'll be fine. I just want to reduce the suffering in the world and that starts with me changing to do my best to be a more positive, peaceful, compassionate and loving human being.

Y'all take care.

This feels so honest, very real, and very inspiring! wohoo so awesome omg wow. We all really appreciate this epic journey you are crafting for all of us

 

[Tripolation]

This feels so honest, very real, and very inspiring! wohoo so awesome omg wow. We all really appreciate this epic journey you are crafting for all of us

It is very real and honest. Nothing is crafted my friend. To me a craft is made up or deceptive. I get the feeling you're trying to get my goat. You won't get a rise out of me because I am not biting.

 

[🌺🔥🫧]

Darnit!! The fish are getting smarter in this pond! I need better bait…

 

[Tripolation]

Darnit!! The fish are getting smarter in this pond! I need better bait…

I attempted a live and let live attitude to no avail. I ask a second time now, please do not interact with me further.

 

[CommonConduit]

Fire's whimsicality doesn't land well all the time, it seems.
She bears no ill will, I believe. Up to you, of course!

 

[MAGMA17]

I attempted a live and let live attitude to no avail. I ask a second time now, please do not interact with me further.

You need to understand that others may have different ways of communicating. We are all different.

And it seems to me that all this connects really well to the discussion made up to now.

I say this: you are (as far as your thoughts and actions are concerned) in many ways the result of things that you had no control over in your life and that you did not really choose. If you had walked the same path as the people who hurt you, there's a good chance you would have done the same thing. If you had the life of the person who seems so different to you now in this forum, there is a good chance that you would have had the same way of communicating.

Try to put yourself more in other people's shoes and not think things like "aaaah, but that's not an excuse, my grandfather had x happen to him and he never did this". This is bullshit talk.

 

[🌺🔥🫧]

please do not interact with me further.

As you wish luv, I will go!

and if you ever should like to find me, I am here ~

peace out!

 

[Tripolation]

I understand what yall are saying and appreciate the feedback. I aint mad. It’s all good.The fault in misunderstanding may certainly land in my court and i will think about that. i have no ill will towards anyone. Whimsical obviously isnt my strong suit. I certainly do have social misunderstandings from time to time with people. I admit to being socially awkward.

Fire, you are more than welcome to PM me and we can work out any misunderstanding that has occurred.

 

[Transform]

You need to understand that others may have different ways of communicating. We are all different.

And it seems to me that all this connects really well to the discussion made up to now.

I say this: you are (as far as your thoughts and actions are concerned) in many ways the result of things that you had no control over in your life and that you did not really choose. If you had walked the same path as the people who hurt you, there's a good chance you would have done the same thing. If you had the life of the person who seems so different to you now in this forum, there is a good chance that you would have had the same way of communicating.

Try to put yourself more in other people's shoes and not think things like "aaaah, but that's not an excuse, my grandfather had x happen to him and he never did this". This is bullshit talk.

Exactly - this is what can be termed a 'semantic mapping' issue, if you ask me.

Furthermore, the Nexus is too small for needless drama. I'm sure we - collectively - can agree to disagree where necessary, and build bridges where possible. On the other hand, I've been able to coin the term "theatripeutics" to describe what happens when such a situation plays out in a positive way, and a new word is always good in my book.

On a related tangent, researching the (sacred) role of the clown in society may prove to be of value in this context, and remember - traditionally, the clown wears a red nose which they'll typically never be seen removing or replacing while in character. It's possible to envisage the utility of a therapy subsection where this 'clown nose rule' might apply, although how we might manage that to prevent abuse would appear to be a tricky question.

Being awarded an official clown badge on the forum seems like a dubious accolade, perhaps, but I may have started a shortlist

 

[🌺🔥🫧]

I understand what yall are saying and appreciate the feedback. I aint mad. It’s all good.The fault in misunderstanding may certainly land in my court and i will think about that. i have no ill will towards anyone. Whimsical obviously isnt my strong suit. I certainly do have social misunderstandings from time to time with people. I admit to being socially awkward.

Fire, you are more than welcome to PM me and we can work out any misunderstanding that has occurred.

I've been diagnosed with exhibitionism, so is it okay to do it here? We can still take it anywhere you like though