Warning: contains heavy stuff
I have noticed ive gone through cycles my whole life. Most notably, with dangerous substances. But what this post is about is moreso spiritual in nature.
I found and or was turned onto Buddhism around 22'-23' , while in a rehab. I had nothing else to do, so i immediately fell into meditation for long periods of time while there. It was great, i felt like i had found a new escape. I then moved to a recovery house, where i continued to practice daily for long periods of time. Getting alot out of it, but the new awareness ontop of being sober deeply troubled me. To say i hated it would be the biggest understatement of my existence. Meditation was certainly a double edged sword that gave me comfort, yet on the other edge was the painful awareness of everything around me. I had just spent the last 14 years with my head in the sand. I had thought i took a REAL good look when i was 12 and decided naw, not doin this life thing.
So i proceeded to get BLASTED, pretty much ignoring everything else. There were the few times when i would wisen up for a week or two after a big trip, but other than that, i was hopelessly ignorant in that regard. Then here we are, it is felt like i am whipped out of my body by becoming sober and learning alittle Buddhism via meditation. Im at this sober house, working, being mostly sober...
And i just couldent do it. I genuinely wanted to die, and it was an intense feeling that meditation only more clearly defined, while making me more comfortable and curious whether i could be reincarnated and start over. I figured i had totaled this vessel, and it was time to abandon ship when things got hard. I was not thinking clearly and went back home to parents.
I decided to smoke abunch of dmt in probably the worst headspace possible, decided i wanted to check out, and overdosed on that disgusting tranquilizing fentanyl in major cities.
It was the single worst mistake i have ever made in my existence. Let me tell you, from the bottom of my heart, nothing hurts more than waking up that badly damaged. Not only the physical pain of my body dying and reviving, but the mental pain in coming to terms what i had done to myself. It took a very long time for me to begin to forgive myself for that.
I came back to my spiritual journey on very different footing since i had to relearn how to walk. It puts it into perspective that things could always be worse, if i make it so. Meditation was very different after that. I felt like i had travelled somewhere, with no recollection from where i had been, but a very deep feeling that i had been somewhere and was now altered. This gave me a deep peace, once i came to terms with reality. I had been fighting against the current my whole life. When i stopped fighting life, i was not constantly so beat up i would resort to the strongest substances on the planet to catch a nap, the addiction almost completely fell away. Suicide was not the answer I had thought it was.
The answer was to go with the flow. Always has been...always will be. Thanks for reading, and this is how i discovered i was a taoist. Ive always been nervous to share this here, but since I've been here for a little while I felt like it was time to get it off my chest, and hopefully help other troubled wanderers in the process.
LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP!
I have noticed ive gone through cycles my whole life. Most notably, with dangerous substances. But what this post is about is moreso spiritual in nature.
I found and or was turned onto Buddhism around 22'-23' , while in a rehab. I had nothing else to do, so i immediately fell into meditation for long periods of time while there. It was great, i felt like i had found a new escape. I then moved to a recovery house, where i continued to practice daily for long periods of time. Getting alot out of it, but the new awareness ontop of being sober deeply troubled me. To say i hated it would be the biggest understatement of my existence. Meditation was certainly a double edged sword that gave me comfort, yet on the other edge was the painful awareness of everything around me. I had just spent the last 14 years with my head in the sand. I had thought i took a REAL good look when i was 12 and decided naw, not doin this life thing.
So i proceeded to get BLASTED, pretty much ignoring everything else. There were the few times when i would wisen up for a week or two after a big trip, but other than that, i was hopelessly ignorant in that regard. Then here we are, it is felt like i am whipped out of my body by becoming sober and learning alittle Buddhism via meditation. Im at this sober house, working, being mostly sober...
And i just couldent do it. I genuinely wanted to die, and it was an intense feeling that meditation only more clearly defined, while making me more comfortable and curious whether i could be reincarnated and start over. I figured i had totaled this vessel, and it was time to abandon ship when things got hard. I was not thinking clearly and went back home to parents.
I decided to smoke abunch of dmt in probably the worst headspace possible, decided i wanted to check out, and overdosed on that disgusting tranquilizing fentanyl in major cities.
It was the single worst mistake i have ever made in my existence. Let me tell you, from the bottom of my heart, nothing hurts more than waking up that badly damaged. Not only the physical pain of my body dying and reviving, but the mental pain in coming to terms what i had done to myself. It took a very long time for me to begin to forgive myself for that.
I came back to my spiritual journey on very different footing since i had to relearn how to walk. It puts it into perspective that things could always be worse, if i make it so. Meditation was very different after that. I felt like i had travelled somewhere, with no recollection from where i had been, but a very deep feeling that i had been somewhere and was now altered. This gave me a deep peace, once i came to terms with reality. I had been fighting against the current my whole life. When i stopped fighting life, i was not constantly so beat up i would resort to the strongest substances on the planet to catch a nap, the addiction almost completely fell away. Suicide was not the answer I had thought it was.
The answer was to go with the flow. Always has been...always will be. Thanks for reading, and this is how i discovered i was a taoist. Ive always been nervous to share this here, but since I've been here for a little while I felt like it was time to get it off my chest, and hopefully help other troubled wanderers in the process.
LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP!
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