Hello. New here and new to DMT. I am a highly educated middle aged professional, single. I have a job with a lot of responsibility and stress and a fairly poor social life, but I dont have to really worry about money. I generally feel like I have wasted my life, and it is now too late to change. On paper I am respectable enough, and I am good at what I do, but I have no wife or kids, few friends, and I am at an age where I dont feel much will change at this point.
I have smoked 3 times, always alone, and have had negative experiences each time. The first time, after smoking, I opened my eyes and my apartment was immediately cartoonish. Everything was still there, but it looked slick, plastic, and fake. It felt uncomfortable and ominous. I was struck with the fact that I opened my eyes and the apartment was totally different in a way I didnt expect. No complex geometry or fractals as described by many, and no flowing visuals as typical with other psychedelics. I just opened my eyes and everything was switched to a plastic, stylized version of my usual reality. Hard to believe that my mind created the change, as it was instant, and not something I was expecting, and the way the apartment became stylized had nothing to do with how I usually think or perceive things. Like some other entity was messing with me.
The second trip was a lot more intense, and took place in a different location, a new place I bought and will be moving to. It was sort of like being in an archaic video game, although I dont remember much in the way of visuals, more just feel. I remember speed. It was as if unseen entities were showing how effortlessly they could rip me apart, with each movement occurring instantly, hitting me from one side and then another, the way blocks move instantly in Tetris, by jumping from space to space in frames, as opposed to continuous movement. Sort of how an untrained boxer might feel, getting pummeled from all sides by a professional fighter, not knowing where the blows were even coming from, only instead of my body being pulverized by punches I couldn’t even see, it was my mind. I was being killed and crushed, playfully and effortlessly, with a soundtrack/ambiance reminiscent of a high tech pac man/Tetris game. Blindingly fast, but also methodical in a way. There were extremely strong negative emotions, associated with it. Sort of like, “ok, you dont like life and want to escape with drugs? You will die now like a junkie, and we will break you into pieces as cleanly and easily as if you were a glass pipe or video game character. We will break you apart like we dismantle computer code, and we will do it with a smile.” My death as a druggie loser would be accompanied by a cute little jingle, something like what you might hear when the ghosts catch up to pac man. It seemed like an intelligent other was doing this to me, but I didnt see them. On the comedown things appeared visually with eyes open like a strong mushroom trip. The third time was similar to the second, but not quite as strong.
All these experiences seemed very intense, the second most of all, and involved none of the typical elements I have read about in breakthrough experiences. I did not see fractalized geometry, the chrysanthemum, geometric temples, elves, source, or ego death. I just felt like something wanted to show me how easily I could be ripped apart, and I got the feeling that to “them” it was just a sadistic joke.
I have been under a lot of stress lately, and I did not prepare for these experiences in any way, like I have done with mushrooms in the past. Perhaps I am being shown that if I come to this without the proper respect and prep, I wont be let in, and that I am offending the entities by approaching them in such a casual manner, or perhaps they just dont like me and are telling me that if I try to proceed I will be destroyed. Of course it could just be my subconscious, but it feels alien.
Has anyone had similar experiences? I will likely try again after some prep, in a better mental state, but if I manage to fully achieve breakthrough level doses, I am worried about what might happen. I would love to experience the positive, life changing aspects so many talk about, see the beautiful visuals of hyperspace, and meet healing entities, aquire knowledge, and learn about how to improve my life, but so far I have just felt like a tortured lab rat, for which the entities have nothing but bemused contempt.
I have smoked 3 times, always alone, and have had negative experiences each time. The first time, after smoking, I opened my eyes and my apartment was immediately cartoonish. Everything was still there, but it looked slick, plastic, and fake. It felt uncomfortable and ominous. I was struck with the fact that I opened my eyes and the apartment was totally different in a way I didnt expect. No complex geometry or fractals as described by many, and no flowing visuals as typical with other psychedelics. I just opened my eyes and everything was switched to a plastic, stylized version of my usual reality. Hard to believe that my mind created the change, as it was instant, and not something I was expecting, and the way the apartment became stylized had nothing to do with how I usually think or perceive things. Like some other entity was messing with me.
The second trip was a lot more intense, and took place in a different location, a new place I bought and will be moving to. It was sort of like being in an archaic video game, although I dont remember much in the way of visuals, more just feel. I remember speed. It was as if unseen entities were showing how effortlessly they could rip me apart, with each movement occurring instantly, hitting me from one side and then another, the way blocks move instantly in Tetris, by jumping from space to space in frames, as opposed to continuous movement. Sort of how an untrained boxer might feel, getting pummeled from all sides by a professional fighter, not knowing where the blows were even coming from, only instead of my body being pulverized by punches I couldn’t even see, it was my mind. I was being killed and crushed, playfully and effortlessly, with a soundtrack/ambiance reminiscent of a high tech pac man/Tetris game. Blindingly fast, but also methodical in a way. There were extremely strong negative emotions, associated with it. Sort of like, “ok, you dont like life and want to escape with drugs? You will die now like a junkie, and we will break you into pieces as cleanly and easily as if you were a glass pipe or video game character. We will break you apart like we dismantle computer code, and we will do it with a smile.” My death as a druggie loser would be accompanied by a cute little jingle, something like what you might hear when the ghosts catch up to pac man. It seemed like an intelligent other was doing this to me, but I didnt see them. On the comedown things appeared visually with eyes open like a strong mushroom trip. The third time was similar to the second, but not quite as strong.
All these experiences seemed very intense, the second most of all, and involved none of the typical elements I have read about in breakthrough experiences. I did not see fractalized geometry, the chrysanthemum, geometric temples, elves, source, or ego death. I just felt like something wanted to show me how easily I could be ripped apart, and I got the feeling that to “them” it was just a sadistic joke.
I have been under a lot of stress lately, and I did not prepare for these experiences in any way, like I have done with mushrooms in the past. Perhaps I am being shown that if I come to this without the proper respect and prep, I wont be let in, and that I am offending the entities by approaching them in such a casual manner, or perhaps they just dont like me and are telling me that if I try to proceed I will be destroyed. Of course it could just be my subconscious, but it feels alien.
Has anyone had similar experiences? I will likely try again after some prep, in a better mental state, but if I manage to fully achieve breakthrough level doses, I am worried about what might happen. I would love to experience the positive, life changing aspects so many talk about, see the beautiful visuals of hyperspace, and meet healing entities, aquire knowledge, and learn about how to improve my life, but so far I have just felt like a tortured lab rat, for which the entities have nothing but bemused contempt.
