hateful feelings

[threeleggedlion]

Most of my experiences are filled with negative thoughts and hateful feelings toward myself, and others if I'm sharing... I don't bring the spice out often because of this. Every time I think I've grounded myself the same thought patterns come back. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on.

 

[KwisatzHaderach]

The saying that "our minds create our own reality" holds the same truth in hyperspace. I've often found in my work with spice that the spice returns to me the energy I bring it. Perhaps there is a source of this negative energy in your everyday life that is being magnified by the Spice's vision? Or perhaps the spice is showing you what you often create inside yourself due to insecurities and feelings of abandonment. Do not let these things trouble you brother!

Remember that at the end of the journey YOU were always good enough. No matter how much money you made, or how successful you were or how whatever you did outside of yourself. Because at the end, you will only have yourself. So LOVE everything you do! Love the spice! Love the friends which you share the spice with! Love the life you have and the opportunities presented to you daily. I believe that your troubles are a matter of perspective. Turn your mind around and turn onto Love.

Every time you inhale: smile and allow Love into your heart.

peace and love~

 

[mad_banshee]

Most of my experiences are filled with negative thoughts and hateful feelings toward myself, and others if I'm sharing... I don't bring the spice out often because of this. Every time I think I've grounded myself the same thought patterns come back. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on.

This is just the sort of thing that draws me TOWARD spice...the ability to self introspect. The molecule simply opens you up to see your own reflections and see yourself more clearly. It shows you things that you may need to work through. Things do get amplified though. The negative feelings could be something as simple as repressed angst that you and the others are doing something that could be harmful and so some inner fears are taking over rejecting what you are doing, or it could be something much deeper, or it could just be some mixed emotions that you are coming to terms with that you don't understand.
At any rate, psychedelics are not for everyone, and sometimes are not suited for people at certain stages in their lives. This is powerful medicine and should only be used when the set and setting are right and the spirit feels strong and secure, otherwise it can mix up your emotional state in a way that you can't grasp. Approach slowly and wisely.

 

[SKA]

I have smoked DMT, broke through and saw myself as rediculous, deluded, vendictive, naive, doubtfull, undisciplined..etc
I saw all these horribly bad and destructive properties I had from the Viewpoint DMT placed me in.

This doesn't mean I am Rediculous, Vendictive, Naive...etc They are merely parts of me. They are as much parts of me as Forgivefulness,
Mercy, Empathy, Devotion and Clearity. Off course they are properties of mine, but not the only ones. Just the bad, weak and troubled half.
These bad proporties are PART of what I can be and what I, at that moment in time, am.
They aren't at all who or what I am by defenition. They can change through determination and devoted practice.

All these properties are morphing all the time.
There are times in all our lives in which we have been vendictive, jealous, dishonoust, undisciplined..etc
Now Entheogens, such as DMT, give us a vantage point from which we can see the bigger, more complete picture.
Of both our selves and of the world around us. This may lead us to see bad qualities, about ourselves and about the world around us,
which we were previously blinded to due to the subjective experience of our Egos.

Now the Ego's typical response to seeing bad properties about the Self is to feel attacked and go in defence.
I think your feelings of disgust are your Ego's response to seeing it's own weaknesses: The Ego seems to be obsessed with unattainable perfection and sees any weakness as unacceptable. This feeling of shame and guilt is how our Egos once again block us up and stop us from solving our problems.

Don't buy into this automated response of the Ego. Be critical of yourself, don't condemn yourself. The only way to improve oneself is to first diagnose one's weaknesses, then work on strengthening them with discipline and positivity.

Try to see it as a challenge to overcome these Weaknesses, not as Accusations and Condemnations.
I know it can be horribly difficult, but looking at it from said perspective really helps me to keep trying and keep growing.
May it help you too.

 

[threeleggedlion]

Thanks guys for the suggestions. I'm treading lightly because of my first experience. It was me and a close friend with others watching. I think that's what made me feel so weird. I hated everything that was going on and the trip had my mind racing thoughts in all directions and I couldn't make anything of it so it was like a negative feedback loop that I couldn't stop. I get excited to work with it, but once effects come on strong I have recurring thoughts like "why did I do this? what is the point of life?" Then I try to actually answer the questions rather than observe them.


I started yoga/meditation to help relax my mind and body and once I start realizing the effects I'll pull the dust out of the drawer again.

 

[pau]

3LL, there's not only some wonderful - and experienced - heartfelt Nexian commiseration here in these responses to your post, but it appears you've already moved on and taken some big steps to confront these personal issues the spice has brought up.

For that, and the mature way you've dealt with it - identifying the issues, taking a break, and starting to meditate - you have reason to be grateful for these journeys the spice has taken you on. They've shown you something about yourself. They may seem mysterious and even annoying, but you're treating it very ... may I say "professionally".

Most of us here are not spicing around simply to have "fun". This site exists because we believe in the power of spice and its entheogenic cousins to enable powerful introspection, healing and growth.

Something extremely similar happened to me - "negative feedback loops" - and the like. Inwardly I knew this meant I needed to grow into something that psychadelics were not going help me do at all. So I stopped taking psychadelics (and at that time I was taking them pretty much for fun) and started meditating seriously. Most likely I would never have begun meditating unless psychonauting had led me there. After a number of years (a few nexians know what that number is), I woke up one day and wanted start again. But this time it was all about learning about myself. Interesting, there have even been a few times in the last year and a half I've even been able to calmly watch the rise and fall of a negative feedback loop like a ... to borrow an eastern metaphor....wave on the ocean of consciousness. It was there, but I knew it didn't have teeth.

One day you'll be meditating, or be re-engaged with working with entheogens, or both!, and you'll be plugged into the ocean rather than the wave and it will all be worth it. Best!

 

[Ayawasqero]

The DMT projects You.

 

[Enoon]

Nice way of looking at it pau!

threelegged, I've gone through this with myself several times, recently too. Sometimes it's the setting that does it to me, or my life's situation, sometimes it's some kind of projection of societies morals and laws, but to be more general I think it's when I'm not in accordance with myself that there is this tension that leads to negative feelings.
Questions like 'why am I doing this' come to mind a lot during this, or accusals like 'look what you are doing to yourself'.
So I ask myself, why is it I do psychedelics? But I have no easy answer, and that's ok. I know there are reasons. I also know that not every time I do them it's the right choice, so I have to accept a rebuke from time to time. The times that it is the right choice, or it has brought me somewhere progressive are totally worth it though.
If it doesn't feel right for you at the moment take a break. Sometimes it helps just to work with yourself in the sober state - which it seems you are doing
negative feelings are a part of the human experience and going through them can be very cathartic too. Cleansing. So you have many things to consider when it comes to this. I hope you find your optimum trajectory

cheers
Enoon

 

[xibalbaNOW]

Now the Ego's typical response to seeing bad properties about the Self is to feel attacked and go in defence.
I think your feelings of disgust are your Ego's response to seeing it's own weaknesses: The Ego seems to be obsessed with unattainable perfection and sees any weakness as unacceptable. This feeling of shame and guilt is how our Egos once again block us up and stop us from solving our problems.

I so needed to hear this right now! Seems like an obvious point to my rational mind but in the challenging psychological kaleidoscope of the DMT experience its sometimes difficult to remind yourself of a few inalterable truths.

I find that as the DMT landscape takes hold and my self-made reality dissolves into nothing my ego clutches for normality, thus leading to a powerful psychological discomfort. I feel unsure, unconfident, unworthy. I attempt to rationalise this as symptoms of a very weird place where i should abandon my ego, but since DMT does not seem to affect my judgemental machinery (unlike other psychedelics), i'm not entirely sure how i do this.

I can only hope that with further research i can learn to fully let go and embrace the experience. For now, thank you SKA for the very humbling reminder that the ego is flawed and that ultimately we must all learn to transcend its fickle and selfish nature.

Peace to all.

 

[Virola78]

...Perhaps there is a source of this negative energy in your everyday life that is being magnified by the Spice's vision? Or perhaps the spice is showing you what you often create inside yourself due to insecurities and feelings of abandonment...

When i read the original post and look at that avatar... then i think KwisatzHaderach is right. Why not start by changing your avatar? Dont let the trip be a negative selffulfilling prophecy. First have a good (=honest, sincere and humble) outlook on yourself and life in general, then start tripping..

I like to trip after or during some turning point in my life. This way i can enforce, cut, grind and polish the experience into some sort of mental mile-stone. Usually i will have 'the call' shortly after such a dramatic change in life. Those trips are usually very impressive and resolving, because of the momentum that is already there. Tripping is much about creating such momentum. It is in the art of set and setting.

Setting is not so difficult, set is. Because one cant really predict how and what the mind is going to change and see when the psychedelic kicks in hard. It is something you need to get a feeling for. It is sort of intuition. When not jumping into all whims, incentives, bursts (i dont know the word in english) to trip, then one will see more clearly on what occasions (set, setting) one should or shouldnt.

At least to me, tripping is as much about learning when not to trip.
Chin up my friend

Edit: you still here dude?