now they are saying that they need proceed gently and not destabilize me because of my honesty in describing my mental history. That probably means that they will only give me mild doses and I will have partial, incomplete ceremonies with no actual profound lasting healing. That sucks because why would I spend all this money and time and energy and effort going all the way there to not be able to fully participate in the ceremonies as intended?

:?:

If this is what's going to happen then I am going to ask for a refund, because I could just drink these plants by myself where I live at whatever potency I would like, and at whatever time during the day and with whatever frequency, without having to travel anywhere and spend a lot of money and energy. But the plane ticket has already been purchased, so if I did that then I would have still wasted almost two thousand dollars.

I'm really disappointed.

Another thing I wanted to mention was that I strongly believe that I deserve complete healing on all levels, and also spiritual development, evolution, and enligthenment. If I don't receive these things while I am down there, then I will have to do it by myself where I am. And there is only one shaman that works there, and he is "borrowed" from another shamanic center where he usually works, which I did not know before, which is kind of disappointing, because I do not think very highly of the other center where he works at. That center has very many shamans working there and they are frankly a large corporation.

To add to all of that, the person who founded and operates this retreat that I plan on going to, after exchaning many emails and speaking with her on facetime for over thirty minutes, told me that she won't even be there during the retreat! I'm starting to not feel so good about this place. And if I was to get a refund now, I wouldn't be able to go to another place anytime in the future unless I saved up lots of money by myself which is incredibly difficult for me to do.

I don't know what to do anymore.