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Having a hard time letting go

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GuruD

Rising Star
Hi,

Gurud here and I have only had around ten smoked/vaped dmt experiences total, over the course of two years. My question was regarding letting go to the experience during a dmt journey. I have been too scared to fully let go every time that I have tried this. I felt my soul/astral body purifying and developing during my latest smoked dmt journey, but after just one small hit which I did not hold in I decided not to take any more. This has happened several times, the part about me not being able to take big inhalations and holding them in and submitting fully to the experience. On the one hand it seems very clean, pure, and spiritual, but on the other hand it feels terrifying and unpredictable. Is one supposed to just take a breakthrough dose and just give in to the experience fully, trusting the entire process, and be willing to experience whatever transpires? I have not thus far been able to smoke a large dose of dmt-infused peppermint, hold in the inhalations, and experience a breakthrough, because fear is preventing me from doing so. The dried peppermint leaf is 50% dmt by weight, so it is a very potent smoking blend. I really like and appreciate it, but at the same time it has just been sitting on my shelf for quite a while. I love and respect it, but I am fearful of it as well. I do not know what a full-on dmt breakthrough is like, and am rather reluctant to find out, because my emotions are in turmoil. Also I have a problem of being mocked by beings while totally sober, and I don't think it is a mental illness, no not at all. If anyone has any advice or suggestions as to how I can proceed with this it would be greatly appreciated. I have a very nice one-foot tall glass bong in which I could pack 100mg of leaf blend into. That could be smoked in one large inhalation, which would equal 50mg of dmt. It's basically a one-puff breakthrough blend when smoking it in a bong. I'm just too hesitant to explore further. Thanks for reading this and have a great day,

Gurud
 
I don't think you should be taking any psychedelics right now.
"Hearing voices" and having your "emotions in turmoil" is the very definition of an improper set for tripping.

Concentrate on real life and getting your affairs in order, you can always go back to psyches when things are more stable.
The experience will still be there, it isn't going to disappear.
The spice is intense and is not for everyone, the time needs to be right, don't just take it because you have some.

The spice is not a magic solution to our problems.
It can greatly exacerbate these issues and should only be taken when your set and setting are optimal.
Have you talked to a professional about these voices and other issues you are having?
That would be a good place to start.
Take care
 
GuruD said:
I do not know what a full-on dmt breakthrough is like, and am rather reluctant to find out, because my emotions are in turmoil. Also I have a problem of being mocked by beings while totally sober, and I don't think it is a mental illness, no not at all.

Over the course of two years? Perhaps you do indeed some time away, who knows? Or dosing differently? Build up some new novelty for a little while. And what do you mean beings mocking you while totally sober? Even before this, your fear that's with you is possibly excreting adrenaline in.. only naturally, it seems. Maybe some relaxation is required. Emotions need their time for clarity.
 
Hi Acidshard,

while I appreciate your concern, I never mentioned anything about "hearing voices" as you say. I said that I am being mocked by entities while totally sober.

Cognitive,

I also appreciate your concern and thanks for replying as well. But I am sad to notice that you also seemed to isolate a single sentence from my entire post and comment excusively on that, rather than focusing on the rest of what was written.

And yes, I have lots of negativity stuck inside of myself including fear, but who doesn't? That should not be a reason to discourage one from proceeding on the dmt path.
 
Hi,
You're right, you didn't say "hearing voices" - my mistake, sorry. I guess I filled in the blanks from "being mocked by entities" and took it to mean that you were hearing them. My apologies.

The Nexus is first and foremost about harm reduction, and I don't know if you will get the answer you're looking for on this post.
Everyone has to deal with the pre-flight fear to some degree at least, and I could tell you how I deal with it, but I strongly feel that you need a break from psychedelics at the moment.

Why is there such an urgency to breakthrough?
If there are issues in this reality, there will be big issues in that one.
The negativity you are feeling will likely be magnified exponentially by taking DMT.
That is a definite reason to not go down the DMT path - for right now.

Sometimes it's just not the right time for a deep journey.
Give it some time, and come back when it feels right.
 
GuruD said:
I never mentioned anything about "hearing voices" as you say. I said that I am being mocked by entities while totally sober.
That part is hard to ignore though. I don't want to pry but if you're not hearing voices, how are these entities mocking you? Was it happening before you ever did dmt? How do they react to your smaller doses of dmt? Could it be your subconscious expressing its fear or disapproval of your desire to breakthrough? I hope you find a way past or through this in any case.
 
Hello again Guru!

Sorry to hear you're still having issues or are being tormented, I just re-read through the last post
you started (syrian rue + acacia confusa tea - Welcome discussion - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus) Syrian rue + acacia tea

Hope you don't mind but last time you said:

"I literally feel as if these entities and spirits have made my body and mind into their home."

Have you since then consumed the tea? If so did it impact you in any way?

I don't much like picking from peoples stuff and throwing it back but you also said:

"Society throws their trash at me. I am not trash though, I was born standing on a lotus flower."

Beyond poetic shit man you should trying putting your mind towards more positive stuff like literature or poetry and once you find your niche I feel like you will excel, maybe try reading?

I personally like Stephen King novels (they are over rated but still a funky fresh read) at least give something a try that you think sounds palatable if you aren't into reading maybe audio books, I enjoyed "IT" and "The dark tower" 1-3 just as something in the background while I'm doing stuff.

The reason I ask so much is I am yet to try DMT and look forward to it greatly but as I said last time suffer from insomnia which just recently I have managed to take control of...noticed in a fair few places that after taking Syrian rue it can cause great irritability for 1-3 days after and honestly don't wanna risk getting back into the cycle of not sleeping for 2 days at a time.

Sorry for the rant :lol: can't help myself!

Look forward to hearing back, Sore.
 
Copied and pasted from Erowid:

Contraindications #

• The effects of smoked N,N-DMT are dramatically increased if used by individuals currently taking MAOIs. MAOI drugs include the prescription antidepressants Nardil (phenelzine), Parnate (tranylcypromine), Marplan (isocarboxazid), Eldepryl (l-deprenyl), and Aurorex or Manerix (moclobemide), as well as the harmala alkaloids present in Banisteriopsis caapi (ayahuasca) and Peganum harmala (Syrian rue). Check with your doctor if you are not sure whether your medication is a MAOI.
• Do not stand up. Do not operate heavy machinery. Do Not Drive.
• Individuals currently in the midst of emotional or psychological upheaval in their everyday lives should be careful about choosing to use psychedelics such as N,N-DMT as they can trigger even more difficulty.
• Individuals with a family history of schizophrenia or early onset mental illness should be extremely careful because psychedelics have been known to trigger latent psychological and mental problems.

I believe point three should definitely be taken into account here. If your aren't doing well going in, I can personally only see it getting exponentially worsened.
Probably would be best to give it a break and get things in order so to speak and maybe then, if it feels right, try again.
Maybe the fear you are having on taking and holding the hit is it's way of nicely letting you know that now is not the best time.

I'm currently giving it a break myself due to some stress that I definitely do not want to go into it with. As an outlet, I am slowly nurturing a garden into existence.
 
GuruD said:
I also appreciate your concern and thanks for replying as well. But I am sad to notice that you also seemed to isolate a single sentence from my entire post and comment excusively on that, rather than focusing on the rest of what was written. And yes, I have lots of negativity stuck inside of myself including fear, but who doesn't? That should not be a reason to discourage one from proceeding on the dmt path.

I did in fact read your whole written paragraph and only saw it necessary to reply to the possible root of the thread. Please also respond to the question at hand regarding 'entities mocking you while sober.' What do you actually mean?

This is not about discouraging anyone but simply taking a break. A lot of things in life are on the other side of fear. But life isn't all about one, single substance. Whatever it is. Even if those implications are life-long and profound like DMT. It is of concern to not only myself but others reading this thread. Indicting that more than one user sees a clear issue in your approach to DMT. There's nothing wrong with considering the possibility that what you're doing is no longer really working. Sometimes others know what's right for you regardless of what you may think, whoever they may be. Building something new in order to see past your old operating system onto novel experiences - not too far fetched! That's what I encourage.
 
What I have found that works for me is to let go of the spiritual/metaphysical aspects. Let go of intentions and expectations. Treat it as if you are preparing to board a roller coaster. This doesn't mean that you won't have a spiritual experience or have insights or lessons. When I prepare in this manner, lower doses are so much more blissful and entertaining, but larger doses are much easier to ingest and have the same level of insight and the feeling of connectedness but with a much lower level of fear and anxiety.
 
thanks for your replies,

but I think I am no longer going to smoke dmt because I have serious problems with demons harassing me while I am sober, and I think that smoking dmt a few times over the course of two years has definitely exaccerbated this problem.

It's too bad that I probably shouldn't be smoking dmt, especially considering that I've wanted to for a very long time now, and because I still have like two grams of a strong enhanced leaf blend. But maybe I will visit an ayahuasca retreat in the future sometime to heal on all levels and also experience spiritual awakening.

I am certain that I am worthy of both healing and also of love and happiness and respect. So I am going to go on a retreat and hopefully I find physical, emotional, and mental healing, and also psychic purifcation and spiritual development.

Thanks again for the replies.
 
GuruD said:
I am certain that I am worthy of both healing and also of love and happiness and respect. So I am going to go on a retreat and hopefully I find physical, emotional, and mental healing, and also psychic purifcation and spiritual development.

Thanks again for the replies.

Glad to hear you've come to a conclusion.
 
Yes and I've come to another conclusion as well. That is, I will go to the ayahuasca retreat and heal completely of my physical problems, my mental condition, and purify my emotional self fully as well. After that I will also evolve spiritually to the state of complete enlightenment. Then no need to smoke dmt ever again.
 
I think an Ayahuasca retreat would have much greater potential for healing, as
opposed to smoking dmt. Hopefully you will find an experienced shaman/facilitator to
work with you and receive the healing that you are after.

Awesome that you are keeping such a positive attitude on things, that is crucial.
I hope you have a great healing ceremony and I wish you the best.
Take care
 
Now I'm stressing because I felt as if I had to be completely honest on the questionnaire for the retreat which I just received by email today (even though I have already paid the full amount of the retreat cost), and one of the questions was if I had ever been hospitalized for a mental illness. So I told them that I have, several times over the course of twelve years, for severe depression. They already knew that I had been taking medication for depression and that I had slowly stopped taking it also. I hope this does not disqualify me from the retreat or from particpating in all of the powerful healing ceremonies. This is what I have been patiently waiting for for many years. I want to receive complete healing on all levels, mental, emotional, and physical. I also want to evolve spiritually. I can't be deined this because I know that I am worthy and deserving of these things. I really hope that I can still attend this retreat and also heal on all levels and experience transcendence and enlightenment. I am not interested in phony heirarchies or artifical paradises.
 
I think if you contact them and express this to them, that might allow them to figure something out for you.
You may just have to sign a waiver saying you accept the risks, etc.
Or they may be asking so they know how experienced of a shaman they need for the ceremony.
I'm sure they will refund your money if you are unhappy with the level of experience they are willing to provide you.

I hope it works out for you.
 
now they are saying that they need proceed gently and not destabilize me because of my honesty in describing my mental history. That probably means that they will only give me mild doses and I will have partial, incomplete ceremonies with no actual profound lasting healing. That sucks because why would I spend all this money and time and energy and effort going all the way there to not be able to fully participate in the ceremonies as intended?
:?:

If this is what's going to happen then I am going to ask for a refund, because I could just drink these plants by myself where I live at whatever potency I would like, and at whatever time during the day and with whatever frequency, without having to travel anywhere and spend a lot of money and energy. But the plane ticket has already been purchased, so if I did that then I would have still wasted almost two thousand dollars.

I'm really disappointed.

Another thing I wanted to mention was that I strongly believe that I deserve complete healing on all levels, and also spiritual development, evolution, and enligthenment. If I don't receive these things while I am down there, then I will have to do it by myself where I am. And there is only one shaman that works there, and he is "borrowed" from another shamanic center where he usually works, which I did not know before, which is kind of disappointing, because I do not think very highly of the other center where he works at. That center has very many shamans working there and they are frankly a large corporation.

To add to all of that, the person who founded and operates this retreat that I plan on going to, after exchaning many emails and speaking with her on facetime for over thirty minutes, told me that she won't even be there during the retreat! I'm starting to not feel so good about this place. And if I was to get a refund now, I wouldn't be able to go to another place anytime in the future unless I saved up lots of money by myself which is incredibly difficult for me to do.

I don't know what to do anymore.
 
now they said that im not accepted to the july retreat which was already fully paid for, along with the plane fare, and the plane fare cannot be refunded, which will piss off my dad who paid for it. But that i might be accepted to the september retreat. This is quite dissapointing and also inconsiderate as my father has now just lost nearly $2,000 in plane in unrefundable plane fare. I think I might just ask for a refund and NOT go to the september retreat like she is hoping that I will go to.

Lame. :thumb_dow
 
Just from my personal experience I would probably chime in in saying, be careful about the expectation aspect of how you're approaching this. If I could compare it to something it would be like when someone builds up a joke or funny story, if they keep saying "this is a great joke, this is going to have you laughing your face off" or something similar, once you finally hear the joke it's almost doomed to being a cricket call. It's better just to fire it off, you know what I mean?

Or a movie, if you talk about this great movie and how good it's going to be for a month, once you finally show it a reaction of "yeah, that was alright" is usually about as good a reaction as you're going to get. It's better just to let it happen lest your expectations let you down.

If you had just randomly heard the joke or seen the movie, it might exceed your expectationless mind and be pretty enjoyable. I can't think of a better way to pass along what I'm trying to say here so I hope this is coming out semi clear.

Also, considering you're looking for direction from these people you chose, if they want to tone down the dosage a little due to your answers to their questions then maybe that is for a reason. If you genuinely want their input, consider listening to it and putting solid thought into why they would suggest what they suggested.

Mescaline for instance, I read reports about people trying to explode their faces with 2+ feet etc. While I suppose there can be a reason to do that, I've found that often times less is more. It is completely possible, and at times preferred to go for smaller doses of these things. Just because you didnt get to "buck the fifth of whiskey" doesnt mean you wont get a positive, even preferred experience from drinking 3-4 fingers.

You dont have to go for broke, there is no "end" you're going to get to. You're going to wake up sober again, be you again, return to your life and have to clock in at work again, stub your toe again etc. You know what Im saying?

This stuff is a "spice", it's not a main ingredient. It just adds a touch of flavor to the main course that you have going on in your head already.

I hope this post makes sense and isnt completely off topic. One last thought, you may find that simple meditation and self reflection type exercises benefit you even more than aya etc. Every now and then to sit back and close your eyes, maybe play some calming music and just really invest focus into you, your percieved surroundings, what you observe etc. Just thinking, or not thinking sometimes... but "let it happen", for lack of a better term.

Sometimes the answer doesnt involve moving and running and accomplishing etc. Sometimes it's just being still and "becoming invisible" while you observe everything. Something I have to remind myself day after day :)
 
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