"Hell"-experience from a couple years ago

[HolySmoke]

Hello folks. A week ago or something in chat, I mentioned one particularly hellish DMT experience. By chance, yesterday, I stumbled upon my old reddit account (which I used for a little while at r/Psychonaut before discovering the nexus, never looked back since ). In the posting history of my old account, I recovered a trip report of that exact night.

I sometimes have a notebook beside me while tripping, as an easy way to take notes. I obviously take notes in my native language, but have here directly translated to English the contents of the notes from that night. I found it a bit amusing now that so much time has passed, enjoy

Because there is a significant amount of text, I highlighted the actual trip-reports in the text by making the text bold.

"Breakthrough. This was actually hell. I was in Hell. I was Hell. I have always been There. I will always Be. I am unsure whether I should destroy all my remaining DMT.[then-present me note: I will not do that].

It may be completely immoral to give this to others [then-present me note: Two friends that are psychedelically experienced, but have never broken through on DMT, will try this in about one month, and I was mainly thinking of them here] The others must read this, and willingly still want to do this.

I am quivering, I am shaking. It lasted forever [5 underlines under forever, forever is here meant in the most literal sense possible].

It was forever. It was forever. It was forever. It was forever. It was forever. It was forever.

I. was. dead. I. was. in. Hell. FOREVER. It was absolute Truth. I cannot comprehend being back. What. The. Fuck. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.

His power is infinite, eternal and ALL CONSUMING.

Maybe this was a punishment for wanting to see the Godhead. DMT demands respect. Fear God, for you are part of Him.

I am afraid this was how being dead is actually like. It was eternal and never-ending, and I was conscious of this fact. Consumed, trapped in a forced existence forever. [HolySmoke] is a hallucination which exists to avoid me being aware.

When I came back all objects in the room, and the very air itself, had a red-black pointy and sharp nature to it, with a techno-gothic style. Reverberations from a diabolical reality.

Thank God that I am alive. Thank God for my human existence.

For next time: Accept more that you are in Hell forever. Do not accept it in order to make it pass, for that is false acceptance. Give yourself over fully and wholly, knowing that you actually have taken a drug, and that after eternity ends, time begins."

And now, about an hour after coming back, I feel mostly normal, a bit tired, and pretty satisfied with experiencing a coherent reality that has directional time.

I am beginning to feel like DMT is sentient in some way. Last week I had a very confusing and chaotic breakthrough. Remembering last time, I was very anxious and nervous going into a new attempted breakthrough many hours ago (before the experience of this trip report).

In that first DMT blastoff today, it was is as if a trick was played upon me, and the whole trip was extremely light and fluffy, with the personality of a happy 8 year old girl skipping along in a meadow, picking flowers, grinning and laughing at insects. It was so innocent, loving and light. And then, maybe 6 hours later, the main trip of this post happens.

This molecule is interesting.

The next day, I made a few more notes about my thoughts on this trip:

"(the day after) Maybe I took too much, maybe I took too little. The next time I have to pay more attention. And avoid soda beforehand. The caffeine may have contributed to the chaotic nature of the trip.

If a breakthrough is becoming fully conscious of your own subconscious, what does this trip [the trip the day before, in which there was all-consuming chaos forever] tell me of my own subconscious? It does fit in some manner with a feeling I've had often for the past months. That it is difficult to think, that reality is a soup, and God is running the mix master on turbo.

Nonetheless I have the past few months been more productive than usual on my academic project, and I haven't made a bad effort in other domains of my life either. Maybe that chaos was a reflection of me trying to do too much at once, and that I am in/am moving towards an especially hectic period of my life.

I am grateful for having experienced this form of hell. I will make an effort to better understand my own limits in life, so that I can get the things done that I want to get done, without it negatively affecting my mental health.

To have a plan, and to not constantly think about all the problems, not trying to solve everything at once can be good. Allow yourself to think about the problems only when you are actually intending to solve them. Don't carry the problems constantly, then you will only manifest the hell of the trip, which was a negative form of information overflow."

And a few days after that I decided to go for another blast-off:

"I will not be able to clearly explain the following, since the "questioning" I am talking about is not with actual words. I am making no claims on what reality is. Since the previous breakthrough I have been toying with the feeling of that chaotic DMT-realm being a virus-like "entity" whose only goal and defining trait is: To spread itself, to incorporate all other realities into itself, to conquer everything. A bit like the Horde in WoW, the Combine in Half-Life, or the Hell-realm in Doom. Except this being on a much more metaphysical level.

So I intended to "ask" the DMT-essence/God if this was true, if this was the intention of the DMT-realm. Or rather, I was thinking of asking this, but found out that if the answer was yes I couldn't trust the answer I got anyways, so the question was meaningless.

Instead, I came to think of a version of the A-B-A* structure that Jordan Peterson has been mentioning. This being that the first mindset is naively believing that reality is Good (A), then meeting evidence of the contrary, meeting evil, pain and suffering will destroy this naive belief (B). Then, a new step towards still behaving as if the truth about reality is a Good one. That reality can move towards a heaven of sorts, and that finding the truth of the nature of reality will bring us there, that we are not necessarily doomed to be consumed by hell (A*).

A* requires courage/a leap of faith in the Good nature of reality, even though one has personally seen evidence of its Evil side (with sets it apart from the naivety of A). A good argument for A* over B is that B will be nihilistic and cynical, and all in all contribute to the world taking a few more steps in the direction of hell. A* contains a sort of careful optimism, and a feeling of trusting the fabric of reality/God.

And it was this trust I wordlessly stated with my heart/Being before and during the come-up of today's DMT-trip. "I trust that whatever happens is for the best. Trap me in infinite chaos without time again, and I will pay more attention than last time, I will surrender. Trap me again, and I will trust that there is a reason for this, that it is a step in the right direction. I trust you, that you know what you are doing, that your reality is Good, that the truth about your reality is Good."

During the breakthrough of today's trip I shiftingly saw one and two entities, one of them was constant. We were in a glowing room that was covered in gold, bright yellow and orange. The constant entity was feminine, and she had a royal glow, a royal nature. But in this realm she was not royalty, there was a sense of this royal nature being commonplace. She lay sideways on a sort of morphing egyptian-roman chaise longue. She knew I was there, but paid me no special attention. There was sometimes a masculine entity there, and when he was there, the two of them was involved in some sort of dance-like activity. It was erotic, but not sexual.

When I came back, everything had a golden glow, especially the skin on my hands, but also the air, my mindset and the feeling of my body."

What was different between the set/setting of today's trip and the "eternally trapped"-trip of a few days ago?

-Today I tripped while daylight was streaming in through the window, while it was during evening last time.

-Today I had listened to Nothing Lasts by Sphongle before and during the trip. During breakthrough the song "Invocation" was on. Last time I only had ambient sounds that I could no longer hear during the breakthrough.

-This time I had not had any caffeine beforehand, while I had had some last time.

-This time the room was warmer, and I was wearing a warm jacket in addition. Last time I had less clothes on, and the room was slightly colder. I didn't freeze last time, but was maybe slightly cold.

-The dose was approximately the same, but today I cleared it in 3 tokes, while last time it was in 4 tokes.

-Maybe most importantly, my mindset was much different today, as my respect for the molecule was renewed, and I had examined myself on basis of the last trip. I felt the last trip had taught me a lesson, or at least I could learn a lesson by thinking about what had happened.

-On basis of what I wrote in this post about not trying to carry all problems around constantly, I have forced myself to not check my work email at all today, on the basis of it being Sunday. During the last months I have come to habitually check it almost all the time, and have been very bad at differentiating between work-time and non-work-time.

Thinking back on this, I remember that even though I had a second "redeemable" trip as a followup, the feeling that DMT is of the devil and that it is tricking us into being locked and captures in His death-realm persisted with me for months. Bordering on overly paranoid thoughts and behaviour, over-analysing many things in life as to be related to this.

Now, a couple years later, I don't feel the same. I have not really had many more DMT experiences since, maybe 3 or 4, but those are stories for another day. Those were not all that pleasant either, but they were in no way hell-experiences like this first one.


-HS

 

[potnoble]

Thank you very much for sharing this.

I never experienced hell like you did but one bad trip made me change alot in my life over
the past few months.
I also think twice now before smoking DMT.
All those adult years i never felt the feeling of fear to the point that i almost forgot about it.
Sure when a loved one is in the hospital or sth of that nature puts fear in your heart.
But DMT can make you fear for your life. Like getting chased by sth. deadly.

I still love it but i often don´t feel worthy of hyperspace.
One more thing i remember was that i demanded a good trip afterwards. Kinda like getting revenge
on the bad trip if that makes sense.

Thanks again

Have a good one

 

[goddard]

I have been to that place 2, there was a time where every time i smoked i whent there,
Its the reason i only do changa nowadays with a pretty small dmt ratio.

One time the lord of the underworld told me why the f i would smoke the dmt and kill myself and come back there.

He told me that my life was createx to escape that place..

 

[HolySmoke]

He told me that my life was createx to escape that place..

Yeah, completely understand that. This was one of the realizations that hit me when I was halfway back and desperately tried to take notes before I would forget.

I wonder if it means something more specific when this arises. I sometimes think of DMT as an almost-100% direct experience of our subconcious (which does not make any assumptions about what the subconcious actually is). If that is the case, I wonder what this says about the subconcious of people that have this type of experience, and what our life is in this analogy. Maybe the life your talk about is your identity, or ego maybe, and it was created to protect (itself?) against the chaos of the feeling-world (which is chaotic and hell-like at times).

Don't know if this makes sense, just some sleepdeprived-derived ramblings

 

[goddard]

Ah yes i thought about it 2,

For me its a coinflip between, either really being a omnipotent allknowinh onenessbeing godlike creature that hates knowing amd being it all because thats like hell and in its mibd creates us to escape.. Lol..

But for me subconscioulsy psychologically i thought it might had something to do with me living like a hermit, always in my house, almost always alone, disconnected.. By choice tho but it made me wonder if i somehow felt trapped in my own life..

Sorry if this is incoherent, typing this quickly before my girl comes back for more yoga

 

[HolySmoke]

being a omnipotent allknowinh onenessbeing godlike creature that hates knowing amd being it all because thats like hell and in its mibd creates us to escape.. Lol..

yeah that resonates and may as well be the case :surprised

but when we/i accept being that being, maybe maybe it turns out to not be hellish in itself. i have difficulty understanding that the being in itself has not already accepted it. maybe just the last crumbles of our humanity were there, not willing to see that we are it and that that is okay.

 

[goddard]

Idk, i have heard many people talk about the "dark truth" u can discover on dmt and its always described as this God Being being lonely as fuk.

Sometimes when i dive to deep "they" tell me, bro we have shown u the truth u didnt like it, thats why you forgot it..why you keep coming back.


U don't want to know..

Still for me i treat everything as a coinflip

Is it real is it just my mind
Is life after death like this or is there nothing
Does my mind create reality or is everything hopelessly random

I treat all these things as true and untrue, i like to think about both sides of the coin
But never fully accept one as true.

When im in daily normal life i use the side that is normal as my guidestone
If im tripping or meditating or philosophizing i choice the other..

Who knows, i dont or i do
Its a coinflip

 

[AstraLex]

Sometimes when i dive to deep "they" tell me, bro we have shown u the truth u didnt like it, thats why you forgot it..why you keep coming back.

This :thumb_up:

 

[Jees]

...I treat all these things as true and untrue, i like to think about both sides of the coin
But never fully accept one as true...

This is one of my personal greatest discoveries so far, to embrace the contradictions as equally valid, throughout most things in life. It neutralizes so many this-or-that stalemates, there's so many energy spent over taking sides in absolutes terms, energy that can be spent otherwise.
Only, this style can lead to taking no-action at all, sometimes I need to kick myself to act on a side anyway. Which side then? For that my intuitions has not led me down, I think.

 

[goddard]

Use the side that fits to your goal.

In magick they talk about depolarisation, the same idea not picking a side
One of the reason is that when u are polarised u are easily influenced.
Look at todays news and politics..
All aimed at polarising and the manipulating.

So figure out what u want, and then use the sides of the coin to get u there.

If that makes sense..

I also get that the more depolarised u become the more u just dont wanna do anything, but he maybe we dont have to do anything