hello. am I in the right place?

[hadoq]

Hi, the reason why I'm here is quite complex, however, I feel the need to present it to you, or at least try.

First things first, I'm 36, happy father, happy person in general.
I never experienced any chemicals or psychedelics except for the fairly light j every now and again, it keeps me relaxed and creative, but I don't use it enough to burn too much motivation.

I believe I am fairly objective about myself, I've already fought some demons in my life, fear, anger, jealousy and some more. however, I feel that I always had a hard time balancing out my ego.

I have been very spiritual since my early 20s, I have faith, religious faith, but personal faith. I believe that good things happen to good people, that happiness comes out of being a good person so I try my best to be a good person in life.
I still have some demons, I identified most of them but I'm having a hard time fighting, for example, my lazyness, I do get some results sometimes, but it always has been a struggle. I also have irrational fears, elevators, airplanes etc... I have the feeling that those demons and fear prevent me from living my life to its fullest and give it the most meaning.

Music has also been a very important thing in my whole life, I'm a musician and I enjoy just as much classical/romantic music than I can enjoy electronica, jazz, hip hop or sacred music. Through both listening or playing music, I've had very introspective trips, most of the times after taking cannabis, but it also can happen when completely clear minded.
I let the music's energy and intentions go right through me and carry me in its given universe.
Also once, and it was before I started cannabis, and I never drank, I was at a dance party in the late 90s, the DJ was really good. I always was careful not to let anyone put anything in my drinks.
I often noted that if the music and DJ were good, I could "lose myself" to the music and my body will react to it without me taking much part in it, it was very intense sometimes. One time, without realizing, I could swear I was floating right between saturn and jupiter, I can not explain it in anyway. I had total control and I could get out of it whenever I wanted but I decided to stay a little longer.

I can also be very contemplative in a spiritual way, for example, I enjoy going out in the fields and watch thunderstorms forms during thunderstorm season. I just stay there in awe of the beauty of the Creation.

About God, as I said I was spiritual in a fairly religious way. I believe that God is all there is. Science and Religion go hand in hand, maybe research and science are the truest forms of religions.
I believe that despite all bad things that can and do happen everyday, The "force" behind all there is, is love. I believe we do not have the means to understand life, god or bad experiences, but that life is something over all positive. I believe the key of happiness resides within ourselves and is linked to how we behave, how we treat others and also ourselves.

I believe in forgiveness, of others and also of oneself

I believe that art is the only thing we can experience that give us a glimpse of what god is, by art we create universes, characters, worlds, we can create everything through art.


I'm fairly comfortable with myself in general.
and I believe in fate, everything happens for a reason, it is all a part of some Great Machine that we take part of.

Anyway, I could go on, but maybe with this, you have a fairly good idea, if not of who I am, but at least how I see life and myself in it.

The reason why I'm here, I'm contemplating DMT/Ayahuasca, I've heard of it for the first time, maybe it was a year or two ago, and never stopped looking into it ever since, but this is my first "public" message about it online.

I am determined to live this experience. I am also aware that it will be out of this world. I believe I know myself enough to be able to handle it. I don't know if I'm ready or if I'll ever be, and I intend to go progressively, not shooting for some huge dose and try and "force" a breakthrough.

I'm afraid, but also I'm eager. I know there's some stuff inside me that prevents me to move forward, I want to get to grips with it, deal with it and be done with it. I've tried and battled, had some results, but now, it's just that I'm 36, I need to go somewhere in life and those demons are holding me back.

Also, I'm basically curious, I want to experience it for what people say it is.

I definitely don't want to go through the hassle of "building up" to it with other material.

So basically, what I intend to do, is go easy for the first times, small dose, maybe within a j (I've read that it "softens" the experience and breakthrougs were rare) first, the build up as I feel more "comfortable" (I expect to never truly feel comfortable with it tho, it's just vocabulary).

There seems to be a world of knowledge around here so I was hoping you'd let me pick your brains before the big jump.
Sounded like a good idea

Thanks for taking the time to read

 

[GoldenEye]

Hi!

I'd say drink in a ceremonial setting. Set and setting are hugely important and you'll have preparations and aftercare with people that have loads of experience. Not to mention guidance during. You'll be fine to just dive in that way.

Best of luck to you! I hope you find some useful preparatory info at the nexus.

 

[AcaciaConfusedYah]

Hello and welcome! Yes, you are in right place.

Smoking it in a joint would be a fine way to try it. I happen to like "giggle sticks" quite a lot.

To be ready : you were born ready. Your body was born with the receptors that dmt interacts with. The mind may tell you that you'll never be ready. "over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind."

 

[hadoq]

The mind may tell you that you'll never be ready. "over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind."

is that a good or a bad thing?

I always try to analyze things about myself, try and somewhat rationalize, so I can take action and work on correcting what's bad in my life.

Went through some "traumatic" experiences

 

[fungalfanatic]

Yes you are in the right place!

The mind may tell you that you'll never be ready. "over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind."

is that a good or a bad thing?

I always try to analyze things about myself, try and somewhat rationalize, so I can take action and work on correcting what's bad in my life.

Went through some "traumatic" experiences

I would say that the doubt and feeling of unreadiness stem from an animal instinct within us all - fear of the unknown. In the animal world this is of course a lifesaving force. In the human world it can be a lifesaving force too, but all to often it is a constraining force that denies people from having valuable experiences. If you mean whether overthinking/overanalyzing are good or bad, by definition they are bad things - your conscious mind trying to rationalize its primal fear. Just as everything in life, analysis and rationalization are best in moderation

If and when you do feel that you are 'ready' and you take the leap with aya I am sure that you will ultimately find it to be the opposite of your past traumatic experiences. Equally long lasting but positive rather than negative. Safe journeys friend.

 

[AcaciaConfusedYah]

Trauma is common in today's weird world. Many of our anxieties and fears are of our own creations and deluded expectations.

For me, dmt gave me the option to let go of some of the baggage that I'd been carrying. I was finally able to realize that dwelling on the trauma of my past was inhibiting my ability to live in the present and embrace parts of life that I had been overlooking.

 

[darklordsson]

Your moving the right direction with the way you perceive things and wanting to overcome them. The uneasiness of the unknown is a very powerful thing, kept me from doing stupid things, and shows respect in that way as well.

Your in the right place my friend! As for analytically thinking goes sometimes, its best just not to ask questions, it is what it is, digging a lil deeper into something that just is can drive you nuts, believe me i know lol. Its like you said science only explains a part of it, spirituality covers the rest. Its like husband and wife, science being the brawn and spirituality being the delicate wife. you need both to make a family...

Welcome home friend!

---dls---

 

[ghettohmbrglr]

Seems to me like the DMT is calling for you. So yes, this is the place to be.

 

[hadoq]

First and foremost, thanks to your kind and welcoming messages.
I just wanted to share a piece of my mind with you.

Since I first heard from it, I kinda feel that too. I never was in psychedelics, really, I enjoy my J, it gets me "trippin" in my own very way, especially through music, but also in sheer contemplation of nature (thunderstorm clouds, sceneries)

Like for example, each time I drive -I am clear headed most times when I drive-, when I get to see a beautifully lit scenery, I feel that I am blessed spiritually, like God (I really don't like that word, but for lack of a better one, I'll use it, take it with a grain of salt, I'm not talking bout a bearded old man living above the clouds) is directly talking to me, giving me love, unconditionnal, absolute love. I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but I usually even go as far as signing myself when it happens, as a sign of gratitude of being shown the beauty of life, love and the universe.

when I first heard of DMT, I thought that I HAVE TO have this experience, there was no question about it, and there still isn't.

Yesterday I found a sitter in a very close friend who I didn't know (yet suspected) had psychedelic experiences. However he used them more in a party/fun setting. I trust him and he will be around with another one of my best friends (I have very few friends, however all of them are closer than my family even, I trust them, we don't judge each other, I mean true friendship)

It seems like overkill, probably, but I want them to be there at each step that I'll be taking forward, from the very small dose rolled in a J up to, hopefully, the big day.


I can't stop reading reports, good and bad, I notice, no matter how bad the experience seem to be, everyone seem to end relatively fine as regard to long term mental health issues.

Because this is what concerns me the most, have an horrible experience and being unable to ever shake it. That rather than confront me with my fears, expand them.

I sometimes force myself to face my fears, I've taken the plane (however the last time was very traumatic, over 10 years ago), I kinda force myself into elevators sometimes and I'm becoming more casual about taking high speed trains (the first ride in there was stressful).

I also know that all those fears are related to my lack of trust in other humans, maintenance folks not doing their jobs properly, or pilot and flight crew who would tell everything's fine even tho the plane'd be about to crash. The train driver falling asleep etc...

it's always related to human flaws and probably overthinking.

that's a part of my psyche that I have a hard time dealing with sometimes and I fear this part to want to take over during my trip, not enabling me to let go and rendering my experience rather unpleasant, leaving me with deep scars that'll impair my ability to live my life.

And this is also the main reason why I believe I want this trip to happen. I just hope I can handle it, I believe I can, I truly believe I can.

But how much of that part of myself, the part that believes, will be there with me. Because that's my ego talking, what if I experience the death of my ego? what if I am unable to tell myself that everything's gonna be fine, that I may never see my son again, that, as I could read, cops will discover my corpse next to a crack pipe, if what I experience is convincing me that that is what's gonna happen next, how to let go? can I do it? now that I'm clear headed (well, not quite...) I can imagine myself in that situation and I can imagine myself being able to let go.

But isn't DMT something that one can not imagine?



There is an experience I have, of me letting go of a deep fear


So I like cars and racing, I happen to live fairly close to the nurburgring racetrack, so I used to spend some time there, taking photos, enjoying both an astonishing scenery as well as full on race cars, supercars giving their best on the most dangerous and beautiful racetrack in the world.

I can not ride as a passenger in a car driven by a person that I don't know, see human trust issues stated above. But there was this nice guy who was a driving instructor there, and we became friends, but I never drove with him and certainly never was a passenger on a track lap.

To those who don't know about it, it's a very dangerous track in that it is lacking a lot of modern safety features, on most of the track, the guardrail is maybe 1 or 2 meters from the track itself, so if you get off track, you're almost guaranteed to hit something hard.

This track is no joke, and it can be driven by anyone on tourist sections, motorbikes and cars together, beginners and full on pro race drivers, tourist busses etc...

The main dangers are, blind corners, the grip of the track can change depending on where you are, what time of the day it is, weather etc...

it's a very fast track


death actually happen there often (mostly motorcyclist), and serious accidents are a daily thing there.


So this guy offers me a ride as a passenger, I was afraid, but I didn't want to miss on the unique experience to be with an actual professional racing driver on the most beautiful track on earth. it was the end of the day so the track would be mostly empty also.

I was shaking as I entered the car, we passed the barriers and here we went.

at the first corner, it was so fast, I was absolutely convinced that we went overspeed and we were about to hit the rail HARD

but then we went on to the second one, same feeling, I was gonna die

after a few more corners, I wasn't relaxed by any means, but even as impressed and fearful as I was, I told to myself, alright, so first, the guy's a pro, his job is to drive this track very fast, he probably knows what he's doing...

the fear didn't really went away, but at each corner, I found reasons and tried to just let go and enjoy as much as I could

like "well, now I can't get out til the end, can I?"

and we were coming up to that point that you could actually get off the track, there is one point on the track, used mostly for emergencies, but anyone can just drive off there and be in public streets, driving normally an instant later.

so the guy asked me "do you want to get out there? are you ok?" he was a little worried.

so I took a split second, I wanted out, I had enough, but I told him, no, keep going.

I went that far and were alright, so I wanted to take the whole thing in and be done with it once and for all.

And the next corner I was still afraid I'd die, but I started to let go.

up until the end of the ride, I never was truly comfortable, but I pushed myself to enjoy it as much as I could, and I did, it was a really unique experience, and probably because of that experience, amongst many other things in my life, I can build the confidence that I probably will end up being alright doing DMT.

Respect it as something that I know nothing about, and will surely blow my mind, billions miles over my little racetrack experience, but still, maybe I'm as ready as I'll ever be, which probably means I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to put myself into, but I think I have the mindset to say "bring it on!" or at least, build up to it.

Like facing death with a grin on my face, uncomfortable as fuck inside, but smiling, because I believe even when you face your worst problem, positivity will always make it easier to deal with. Negativity is not the key, fear is not the key, I know that in every fiber of my being, I know deep inside that the day should come, I'll do my best to go out with a smile on my face. I owe it to myself and I owe it to life. it's already the hell of a ride in some weird way. I always say, life is a bitch, but she's beautiful.



PS: I still have a feeling that I'll get my ass kicked BIG TIME, I'll get through it, but I'm trying to be prepared to be scared shitless, litterally. it's just I don't want to hurt anyone around or cause too much worry to my friends who'll be there (I already told my GF that I don't want her there and that I won't tell her when I'll be doing it, and only tell her when it's done and over with, I'm not gonna tell my son, obviously, he's very mature, funny and spiritual in his way, but I'm probably not tell him about stuff like that before he's in his 20s or so, he's 12 now and the most amazing person on this planet, trust me on that one)

 

[darklordsson]

my friend took me for a ride in his new subaru, ooo man, I was laughing the whole way going through 25 mile an hour turns on the back roads going 75 lol. I know that feeling of not slowing down, and being uncertain. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. but if you respectfully give trust and ask for what you want out of life, the possibilities are endless. Glad you asked him for one more, how else are we gonna get used to conquering our fears? How much is too much? You will know when you get there.:thumb_up:

Namaste brother,
---dls---

 

[AcaciaConfusedYah]

I think you'll do just fine. Starting in low amounts really seems to make for an easier transition to a break through dose.

 

[obliguhl]

Hadoq, you appear to think a lot.
You want to do everything right, just that there is no "right".
I hear a lot of fear speaking, not just caution. Perhaps that is a general thing with you.
I would not let that dictate your relationship with DMT. It is not needed.
With small doses, getting traumatized with repressed emotions and stuff does not happen.
Or: I'd be really surprised. With longer lasting psychedelics...LSD, mushrooms, ayahuasca - sure why not. But smoked DMT? A hawk will pick you up, fly you around the rainbow mountains and then drop you off before you can even catch your breath.

But then, anything can happen - bliss or pain.

I've got a feeling, you'll do just fine.

 

[hadoq]

Thanks for all the love

yes, there is fear that I'm struggling with. I believe I can handle my fear. it's just that I'm in a place right now where I have not much to do beside thinking. I'm making my company, my own shop, and I'm waiting for all the paperwork to come through. Of course I got stuff to do but still, I got plenty of time to think.

I talk a lot with friends too

Finding this forum was a blessing

 

[beacon]

you sound like you know yourself and know what you're doing. try to accept that you're gonna be powerless for 10 minutes and you'll be fine. gute reise.