Hello there, fellow Beings.

[Maxtraxx]

As many here, I have been reading and learning about your experiences and thoughts in these pages, before creating a profile and actively participating. Thank you for your courage and honesty. I feel the time has come to give back as well, by introducing myself and sharing some of my thoughts with you.

I traveled wide and far in my late teens, and partied under the full moon in my twenties. But since then, only booze. I am 50+ now. The following is not a trip report, but a moment of reflection that I wrote, almost 20 years ago, at a sidewalk cafe, long before I even heard about DMT. Perhaps you find it as intriguing as I.

***Again and again, I seem to see beyond the veil of 'reality' and imagine discovering the delicate fabric underlying our everyday lives. On the surface, we believe ourselves to be independent, self-directed individuals that have claimed a position and place in this world that we call our self, our person, our work and our experience. Attributes that help us identify ourselves in a world that we try to qualify and quantify but lack the capacity to understand.

In fleeting moments I seem to see beyond the material and find myself in vertigo, suspended and diffused within an absence of time. A moment of emptiness beyond the physical and the emotional, empty of the concept of the everyday reality that exists only within the restrictions of our human mind. The emptiness is vast, beyond grasp, but filled with a meaning that surrounds and bonds all that is. I feel like a trespasser in this space, not wholly a stranger but without purpose and direction. The crossing is easy to maneuver but the terrain beyond is an endless abyss.

I remain for a moment to look around. The streets, the cars, the people, everything looks the same. But the purpose and the meaning, the direction and the goal have disappeared and no longer exist. Like machines we people seem, set on course to complete a task that is no longer remembered. Instead, we are blinded and caught in a perpetual routine, learned at birth and performed till death. I Suddenly feel anxious about being separated from my other 'self' and my life that has a past,a present, and a future. I am afraid to remain, in fear to discover the true nature of existence.

I step back across the threshold to become myself again. A moment later, the confusion dissipates and the routine re-assemble itself. The bus driver behind his wheel, the mother with her stroller, the merchant in his shop; we all do have a purpose that generates our actions. We all have a directive that brings us closer to our goal. Which is our very survival. And the comfort in which we want to live out our lives. Nothing more, nothing less.***

I have been working up my courage to a break through for a few months now with FB, by increasing dosage and refining my smoking technique. And I have already stood on the surface of the sun, with a beckoning portal just a few steps in front of me. Perhaps I will get thought the next time?

 

[brainbutter]

Wow! Beautiful description of what has constantly been running through my mind. As many, many people have said before, "the psychedelic experience is impossible to describe", but I think you have a vocabulary that can grasp a good part of it. As for breaking through and then trying to articulate/re-create the visions experienced after falling unconscious, phew, i wish you the best of luck, i couldn't remember much, but a few screenshots along the way.

I'm a relatively new member here as well, but wanted to welcome you.
Thanks for sharing and I look forward to your post-breakthrough report.
Much Love

 

[Maxtraxx]

Hi Brainbutter.
Thanks for your kind words.

When it comes to describing experiences, we often rely on comparisons that most everyone can relate to, like "hot as fire", or "cold as ice". These comparisons are called "similes" and are one of the most important devices, or tools, of language, to convey meaning.

But the experiences that we can access through psychedelics, are so new and unusual, that there are no "like" experiences that we can compare them to. No similes that can describe the actual nature and qualia of the experience. For me, most of the words I do know cannot do justice to the detail and the power of the DMT experience.

And perhaps, we have to come up with some new words and concepts, and name some of the common elements of our individual experiences. Like when an astronomer discovers a new celestial body and gets to give it a name. Or like the sub-atomic particle, the Higg's Boson, that was named after physicist Peter Higgs, who imagined it.

By sharing our individual experiences in our own words, we can discover similarities, and perhaps begin to name some of them.

 

[Maxtraxx]

Or in the words of Joe Rogan:

"The words that we are using were all invented for a world that doesn’t exist in the DMT dimension."

(Joe Rogan Experience #1121 - Michael Pollan. 05/24/2018)

 

[Maxtraxx]

Here is a report on an LSD trip some weeks ago:

PRE-CONDITIONS
(mind)Set: calm, anticipating
(physical condition) Set: healthy
Setting (location): outdoors at the coast, 700 feet above and 800 feet away from the Pacific, remote, safe
time of day: afternoon
recent drug use: none
last meal: lunch sandwich

PARTICIPANT
Gender: m
body weight: 171 lb
known sensitivities: None
history of use: extensive long time ago

BIOASSAY
Substance(s): LSD Blotter
Dose(s): appx. 200ug
Method of administration: oral


EFFECTS
Administration time: T=3:00
Duration: 9 hours
First effects: 4:00 p.m.
Peak: 6:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m.
Come down: 9:00 p.m.-12:00 a.m.
Baseline: 8:00 a.m.

Intensity (overall): 10/10
Evaluation / notes: heavy stuff - real physical pain without injury

OPTIONAL
Pleasantness: -
Unpleasantness: -
Visual Intensity: -


AFTER-EFFECTS
Hangover: 0
Afterglow: 0


REPORT


I had made a fire in the fire ring at the bluff above the ocean and sat on a wooden bench, the fire between me and the ocean. I had previously compiled a playlist of minimalist psytrance on my phone and was playing it on a single Bose SoundLink portable 360 speaker. The sound is truly amazing for a small unit like that, and as the come-up proceeded, it sounded like the music was everywhere and had no source at all.

The sun was approaching the horizon and its light painted the entire sky and the ocean in hyper-intense colors of pinks, blues, oranges, whites and yellows, all rolling and flowing into each other across my entire field of view. The clouds were stretched out thin across the horizon, with the slate blue ocean below and a crystalline blue sky above. The Sun was touching the horizon and casting a blade of reflecting fire across the rippling surface of the ocean waters. The clouds were rolling into themselves, rolling and pulling strands of color into themselves and spreading them our across the horizon. The entire sky was breathing in and out and the clouds rolling and rolling, seared from below by the darkening red fire of the sinking sun. It was almost too beautiful to bear.

The moment the sun slipped behind the horizon, the light across the bluff faltered. Within a few minutes, the first stars of the night appeared like sparkling diamonds against the deepening blue of the darkening sky. The temperature seemed to have dropped just as quickly as the sun had set, so I zipped up my jacket and threw a couple of logs on the fire. In only a short while, the day had turned to night, and the only light to see by were the stars above and the flames of the campfire in front of me.

My vision was so acute though, that I could see the edge of our atmosphere and more stars beyond than I had ever seen on any night before. And all the stars were vibrating, in unison, as though they were struck like a crystal, or a bell, and they were ringing in a frequency that was too high to hear, but clearly visible. Each of the stars had a small sonic circle around them, like a ripple, or a wave of sound and light that was hovering around it, like a sphere of visible energy. And their light was streaming away from them in beams of blues and violets, as though it was diffracted by a prism.

The beauty of it all was overwhelming and my only thought was:
“All this beauty, just for us? That cannot be! There is no way we are alone!”

I was looking up high into the night sky, trying to see all the firmament and all the stars at once. This is where the peak started.
“I know we are not alone!” I said out loud. “I’m ready to connect!”

I was thinking how terrifying it would be, if the entire universe, the entirety of creation, could only be seen and admired by us humans. How terrifying it would be, if indeed, humanity was the only conscious life form in the universe, and if we messed up, no one would be left to experience its beauty. So, I was praying, begging:
“Ready to connect!”

I was thinking that if I opened my mind just wide enough, with love and peace in my heart, perhaps someone would take up my invitation and send me a sign, or a signal, to let me know we were not alone.
“Ready to connect!”

And a moment later, there was not one ‘other’ in my mind, but several. I almost exploded with happiness and gratitude and a sense of completion and relief. I felt as if I awoke from a bad dream, from a dark and lonely place, and found myself again in the light and the warmth of my tribe, exhausted, but safe and relieved. I did not hear voices, but several ‘representatives’ were ‘talking’ to me, welcoming me, reaching out for me, even ‘touching’ me, in a different dimension.

I had a million questions and they gave me a million answers, and their numbers were increasing and increasing, that I soon understood that there were millions and billions of ‘others’ out there, in ever-growing bigger and more complex civilizations and structures of organized networks of civilizations, that were in the billions and trillions, and themselves were only one faction in an even higher hierarchy of networks of networks and networks…stretching into infinity, simultaneously into the future and into the past.

I staggered at the unrelenting revelations of infinities upon infinities and could no longer stand under the weight of the vastness. I almost fell onto the bench and held on for balance. But the next moment, I became angry as never before! I rose and shook my fist at the stars:
“And you have been watching us for all this time and let us rot on this chunk of dirt, for eons and eons, and let us crawl our way out of the mud across the millennia? I am FURIOUS!” I yelled into the night sky.

I was in such a state of outrage and anger that I stomped the ground and spat words of rage into the sky above me. In my mind, I was battling countless millions of ‘others’ with the power of my mind, wave after wave of countless millions, until I was overwhelmed by their numbers. My rage was suffocated by their power, and I found myself back on the bench, holding on for life. I suddenly felt a pain that was more intense than anything I had ever experienced before. It felt like I had been shot with a canon ball into the middle of my stomach and the ball had turned into a giant fist and was squeezing and twisting the core of my being. I had never felt anything that painful and was groaning in agony. I was begging them to make it stop, begging them:
“I give up! I give up! Please just stop…stop”

The pain was so great, that when it ended, I felt like I had given birth to a star!
When I could talk again, I apologized;
“I had no idea how many of you there are…no idea how powerful!”

I was ready to call a truce, but someone started it again by saying that we are just not ready and may not ever be ready to join the other civilizations. And my rage inflamed again, and I rose to my feet and I fought them again, the endless waves of innumerable entities.

Within moments, I was back on my knees, subdued again with the most intense and indescribable pain...

“I give up! I capitulate!” I begged them to stop hurting me.

And so they did.
I felt like I had birthed a second star, a twin.

When I was able to talk again, I just pleaded for no more pain and accepted any and all of their conditions, and bowed to their command. It was the most painful and humiliating and liberating experience of my life.

When they gave me the choice to stay with them, after I had capitulated and accepted their rule, the price was my life on Earth. “Is there no other way?” I asked…
But there wasn’t. And as tempted as I was, I was not ready to make that choice at that time.

And I understood then, why humanity had been deemed “not ready” for contact with the rest of ‘civilization’. A moment later, I was alone in my head again. I was staggering from the exhaustion and the memory of the excruciating pain and I sat down on the bench again. The fire was still burning. I looked around for my phone and when I found it, the time read 9PM.

 

[Maxtraxx]

I already posted this as a response to @Yeuph's Intro thread, but since I can't post in the DMT Experiences thread, I'll collect here until then.

REPORT

I've taken my time to work up to a 'breakthrough' dose, and this was the one before the real one. At least that's what I thought at the time:

On a late January weekend, my oldest and closest friend came to visit and spend a night. It was around 8pm and we were sitting by a camp fire on a bluff, some 800 feet above and 1200 feet away from the Pacific Ocean. I had taken 30ug Lucy around noon that day and was coasting on a very light acid wave.

My friend went first, with about 20mg FB in the pipe. After the first go, he reported "cartoonish jokers making faces at him." After the second, he said he had gone "somewhere" but didn't remember anything. He said his brain had "rebooted and reset."

When I went, the dose was about the same, 25mg. I closed my eyes and held my breath for about 25-30 seconds. At that point, my limbs became super heavy and every fiber in my body relaxed completely. I sank into the chair and into myself and felt like I kept sinking further and further until my body lost all tension and cohesion and dissolved.

For a moment, I opened my eyes and saw my friend stand in front of me, illuminated by the flames of the fire. His appearance was as though he were drawn in water colors, and when he moved, he seemed like a cloud of colorful particles. He took a step to the side, and his body left a smudge of itself in the space he just left, kind of like a body tracer, but more persistent and defined. The features of this smudge slowly dissolved, like when watercolors run into each other, and only disappeared after several seconds. I looked at my arms and hands lying next to me, and I wanted to move them from the side of my body to rest on my legs. But I could not move them. That was a little strange, but it didn't worry me. I looked back up at my friend, and then my arms moved. But I only saw them move, and did not feel them move. Because my 'real' arms felt like they hadn't moved at all. So, I accepted that my awareness and my body had disconnected, at least in time. And I closed my eyes again.

At first, the CEV geometry was like an Imax screen in front of me and around me. Countless sub-inch sized closed patterns in bright blue-green-yellow-orange segments arranged in ever increasing orbits around me on a backdrop of utter blackness, slowly rotating around me, and me clearly at the center of rotation. The moment my body fell through itself and disconnected from my control, the geometry penetrated me, went trough me, and my subjective perspective disappeared. I was no longer in the center of the spectacle, but instead, I was part of the spectacle, drenched and suffused by the geometry, without anchor and orientation.

Suddenly, I was panicking. I shot up from my chair with my eyes open. Although it was a dark and moonless night, I could see everything: the trees, the fields, the fire ring, the flames, the buildings half a mile away. I saw everything, even the very air, the very molecules of everything, and the spaces between. My mind was crystal clear, hyper aware and hyper awake. And I was panicking!

Although the feeling I had was of utter well-being, of strength and health and inner peace and meaning, and divine purity, I thought that I had blown a fuse, ruptured my sanity, irreparably and forever. I panicked because I thought I would never be able to sleep again, never be able to eat again, and never be able to lead a normal life again. I paced back and forth and brought my hands down on a table behind the fire ring. My hands looked like molten, flowing lava, igniting the very air around them. I took deep breaths, one, two, and...remembered what I had researched, what I had read, that DMT is short-acting and will be metabolized in a few minutes.

That broke my panic. I immediately felt like tons of weight had fallen off of me and I could breathe again and straighten my head again. I was so relieved and grateful that all I could do was sit back down and ride it out. From the moment I got up, to the moment I sat back down, maybe half a minute had passed. Then I just sat there, breathing deeply, holding on, waiting for the ride to end.

It was powerful.
To me, that was definitely a 'breakthrough'! It may not have been a 'breakthrough' that everyone else is talking about, but "WOW!"
That trip was a truckload on its own.
And I was thinking...

"what does a 45mg 'breakthrough' feel and look like?
I am not sure if I could take that!"

 

[Maxtraxx]

I also wanted to share, that after my second 'discovery' dose of about 15mg FB, I decided that I was done with smoking cigarettes.

I started smoking at 15 and was a 1 pack a day smoker for most of the years since then. I had quit before, twice. Once for about a year, in my 30's, and the other time, for 3.5 years, with the help of hypnotherapy. BTW, that really worked for me.
$250 and 45 minutes later, I was done with the habit.
I started again when my ex asked for a divorce.

Anyway, just wanted to share that.
It was really just as easy to quit this time, in the afterglow of 15mg.
I just made up my mind that I was done with it.
And not a single thought about having a smoke since then.

Good luck to you, if you are out there and hoping to kick the habit!
I think, if you really want to quit, make that a goal of one of your journeys.
Worked for me...two months and (not) counting.