help with recovery & following a better path

[concombres]

Let me start by saying that i've come a very long way with the help of the nexus & grown quite a bit since i first came here in 2012.

I was a mess from the age of 14 all the way up to 20. I abused heavily a large array of substances & went through several very rough periods of addiction. Everything from opiates & benzos to dissociatives & amphetamines.
The last 2 or 3 years i have been using psychedellics more often & more responsibly & it quickly produced something that was very new to me.
The constant desire to be in an altered state dissapeared. I've pretty much given up all substances except the occasional mescaline, mdma, or dmt trip, but the psychological & physical damage from nearly a decade of abuse seem to be taking their toll at a very young age.

I'm in the midst of changing a very toxic mindset & way of thinking & living that has plagued me for so many years.

As of recent i've been working towards holding a steady job, getting health insurance, going back to school & improving my life in general.

The problem i've run into is remaining focused. My quality of work, long term goals, etc. seem to quickly take the back seat to research, extraction, & anxiety.

I know alot of others here have been through some rough periods of abuse as well.
My question for those who have been thru this before is, how do you keep focused & stay on a positive path? Any tricks & tips are welcome.

I'm hoping with the help of all the good people here at the nexus i can work my way through the fog & become a productive member of society & have a job (preferrably in chemistry) that i actually enjoy.

 

[Koornut]

Two container ships, captained by brothers find themselves along the same route in the Southern Ocean. There has been dense fog for days and navigation has become almost impossible.
One brother, the oldest decides to impress his father who heads the company by charging full steam through the fog, in complete faith of his own personal sense of direction and make the scheduled dock in time.
The other, seeing his brother acting is such a way becomes very jealous and resentful of his apparent success.

When they finally arrive, he asks his brother.

"Why did you do that?"

His brother replies.

"If I had not shown you the way, you might have hit the rocks. If we had both stayed the course together, we might have both hit the rocks. If you were not there behind me, I might not have had the confidence to navigate the way for both of us. We still might have hit the rocks."


Imagine these brothers are the duality within your mind, one half is ready to race ahead with confidence, but without the other to ground him sometimes and pull him down off his pedestal there will always be the feeling of being lost in the fog.
There is no answer to this parable. The rocks will always be there, waiting to bring down the greatest of ships.

 

[concombres]

Thank you for that sporange.
I'm not sure whether or not you meant to do this, but my mind is blown :lol:

I've analyzed that several times, yeilding multiple interpretations, no matter how i interpret it it leads back to duality & the fact that each perspective is part of my psyche, together they have strengths that cannot be accomplished alone. Each part plays an important role in avoiding a shipwreck.

 

[Koornut]

You are most welcome, I have to admit though that was a very impromptu analogy. Spurred on by the final sentence in your OP.
You are right, it is a fog.

The antidote I have found most effective for wading through the foggy patches is the pursuit of knowledge, of which I'm sure you are well versed. Knowledge that encourages plasticity and challenges calcified thought nodes.
Take your mind into the octagon, and bare fisted too. Wrestle it into a submissive paradigm that stems from a strong foundation. Open your heart and eyes wide with the naive, inquisitive nature of an 11 year old child, and nurture the new man you become like a loving mother.
Cling to the anchors of your history, one by one feeling their strength. Observe how they support you, if they are doing you no good then cast them into the eternal mirror so that they might gaze upon themselves and realise their destructive albeit innocent nature.
You will know the transformation when it is complete, through hindsights perspective. But during the process you will feel the fleeting sensations of fog and melancholy that cloud your being.

I believe you are further up the path than you might think.
For myself, delving deep into the oceans of mathematics has changed my life profoundly.
A little bit every day helps, I don't set goals that will disappoint. I under-charge myself all the time and am delightfully surprised by a commonly occurring "exceeds expectations" sticker set firmly between my eyes before I brush my teeth at night.

 

[Chan]

Great posts gentlemen.

All I'll add, having flirted with some of the issues mentioned, and retaining the navigation analogy: Concombres, you're moving rapidly in the right direction, by virtue of the self-awareness indicated by your post. Awareness is a very long safety-line.

Like masturbation, when you first discover extraction...well, every day needs to be an extraction day! But chill, it takes far longer to use up than it does to make. IMO, the experience thrives on what you bring to it. If you just "turn up" cuz you just made some, that doesn't usually work out too well. Earn the release, if that doesn't sound too...puritan.

College is expensive, books are cheap. You sound like you're at the point where your mind is starting to branch every which way. Go with that, see what sticks, and buy books about it. Personally, I found Stephan Harrod-Buhner very inspirational, as he ties orthodox science into the much bigger picture growing around us; it was a wisdom I had never encountered before.

And as another great writer, Dale Pendell said, you will become different, you will lose people (paraphrasing)

Good luck!

 

[concombres]

You are most welcome, I have to admit though that was a very impromptu analogy. Spurred on by the final sentence in your OP.
You are right, it is a fog.

The antidote I have found most effective for wading through the foggy patches is the pursuit of knowledge, of which I'm sure you are well versed. Knowledge that encourages plasticity and challenges calcified thought nodes.
Take your mind into the octagon, and bare fisted too. Wrestle it into a submissive paradigm that stems from a strong foundation. Open your heart and eyes wide with the naive, inquisitive nature of an 11 year old child, and nurture the new man you become like a loving mother.
Cling to the anchors of your history, one by one feeling their strength. Observe how they support you, if they are doing you no good then cast them into the eternal mirror so that they might gaze upon themselves and realise their destructive albeit innocent nature.
You will know the transformation when it is complete, through hindsights perspective. But during the process you will feel the fleeting sensations of fog and melancholy that cloud your being.

I believe you are further up the path than you might think.
For myself, delving deep into the oceans of mathematics has changed my life profoundly.
A little bit every day helps, I don't set goals that will disappoint. I under-charge myself all the time and am delightfully surprised by a commonly occurring "exceeds expectations" sticker set firmly between my eyes before I brush my teeth at night.

Wow you posess some strong writing skills there sphorange :thumb_up:

I did manage to thru all thats happened over the years find i very enjoy practicing chemistry thru dmt.
The hardest part for me is going to be the process of molding that love of chemistry into a career.
My financial situation has always been rough & i'll have to work very hard to pay for college classes & hold a job working the graveyard shift.
But the goals i've set for myself do seem to be within reach while also being challenging

Hopefully i'm able to get the ball rolling in the next year or so.
I've got alot to re-build health wise both physically & socially, but i've got a good plan laid out in small steps building responsibilties & strengthening my weak areas in an organized fashion.
Being patient & remaining focused is the key to it all working correctly.
That & researching everything in depth before proceeding to the next step

 

[concombres]

Great posts gentlemen.

All I'll add, having flirted with some of the issues mentioned, and retaining the navigation analogy: Concombres, you're moving rapidly in the right direction, by virtue of the self-awareness indicated by your post. Awareness is a very long safety-line.

Like masturbation, when you first discover extraction...well, every day needs to be an extraction day! But chill, it takes far longer to use up than it does to make. IMO, the experience thrives on what you bring to it. If you just "turn up" cuz you just made some, that doesn't usually work out too well. Earn the release, if that doesn't sound too...puritan.

College is expensive, books are cheap. You sound like you're at the point where your mind is starting to branch every which way. Go with that, see what sticks, and buy books about it. Personally, I found Stephan Harrod-Buhner very inspirational, as he ties orthodox science into the much bigger picture growing around us; it was a wisdom I had never encountered before.

And as another great writer, Dale Pendell said, you will become different, you will lose people (paraphrasing)

Good luck!

Thank you for the kind & wise words & book ideas chan chan
Very much appreciated.
I have moved past the honeymoon phase though. I rarely extract now. But when i do it's become very involved & is worked through in steps. I rarelt smoke because i feel i need to use spice in a very controlled, productive way. I don't find it particularly recreational. It's mindblowing stuff though!
I tend to get so wrapped up in the chemistry behind it & thinking about how the process is moving along while i'm at work when i do extract (crystal formations, drying solvents,.etc.) & that combined with the fact the job i have now is not particularly something i enjoy, my mind wanders into chemsitry easily & i find myself daydreaming about lab work, lab gear i'd like to get, how my spice is doing, etc. simply because i enjoy the extraction process so much & i'd much rather be practicing chemistry than working the graveyard shift in a monotonous, repetitive, boring stamping factory :lol:

 

[Koornut]

Wow you posess some strong writing skills there sphorange :thumb_up:

It has possessed me today. :thumb_up:
But tomorrow will be completely different. :lol:

The hardest part for me is going to be the process of molding that love of chemistry into a career.
My financial situation has always been rough & i'll have to work very hard to pay for college classes & hold a job working the graveyard shift.

Your training starts in two weeks. :thumb_up: Introduction to Chemistry: Reactions and Ratios

I know the place well man, the graveyard is unforgiving and the breeze lays waste to the dreams of men.