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Helping people change

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innerrave

Rising Star
I understand that if I want to change the world, the best thing I can do is work on myself. But I really want to help out some of my friends. Some of my really good friends do things that make me so sad. Im not trying to boost my ego, I have a whole world of problems I am working on also, but I feel like I do certain things better than them. They always litter, one of my friends drinks way too much, one of my friends is an asshole to me and gets pleasure out of my awkwardness, etc.

Even though I have a lot of problems myself such as procrastination, not sticking to my word sometimes, etc. I feel like I have learned so much from psychedelics and raving especially. Raving changed my life, it opened up my heart, made me feel at home and I feel as if I have a huge family now(no disrespect to my own of course, I love my blood family).

How do I help my friends with these issues mostly based on compassion for other people and the Earth? Im good at making music and my friends love hearing my music so maybe I could add some spoken word parts of issues I care about? Anyone else have any ideas?
 
On what grounds do you feel you have the moral authority to decide what is good or bad for others?
Throwing stones in a glass house is foolish.
Focus on yourself.
 
Simplicity works wonders.
Be the compassion you speak of, radiate it.
What more can you ever do?
 
I agree with Jees, the best way is not to preach but lead a good life, radiate happiness. You cannot force others to change, it must come from within my friend.
:)
 
I get what you're saying. You see people you care about suffering or in pain somehow and you want to help. And sometimes, it works. They listen or they see you leading as an example and things change for the good.

Other times, not. You end up making things worse by trying to force something to change. Eventually, it might be time to find some new friends. Throwing stones isn't my thing; I just walk away.
 
Metanoia said:
Other times, not. You end up making things worse by trying to force something to change.
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Yep, just learnt this the hard way a few weeks back. I really wanted to help someone because I believed their situation could be changed relatively easily. I thought all they need was a different perspective and to learn a bit of self control but it turns out I was very wrong. The person was doggedly stubborn and unwilling to change even though they talk so optimistically about wanting to change. The whole thing just went in the gutters after a holiday of 3 or 4 full days of verbal exchanges that utterly went no were and placed itself on to anger from both parties.

Definately focus only on yourself, non-selfishly, unless someone asks for your help directly and even then be very aware you don't cross the line.

The problem is though, if life has left someone completely alone then they have not adequate means of changing themselves because most people's free will just isn't that strong.

After 4 years of smoking cigarettes I only gave up once the environment I was in and the people changed (went to college and did project on anti-smoking compaign) and I could see a bigger picture. It may have worked also if someone just strapped me to a chair for a week lol. The important thing here is that people are more inclined to change if it is by there own free-will... the trouble is changing people's free-will from the stubborn b*tch it usually is.
 
innerrave said:
They always litter, one of my friends drinks way too much
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And you do drugs. :p :D Helping others starts with humility. ;)

innerrave said:
one of my friends is an asshole to me and gets pleasure out of my awkwardness
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That's called a "bully", not a "friend". Help yourself, and cut ties if it bothers you... or man up and bully him back in good nature, and see where it takes your relationship.

innerrave said:
How do I help my friends with these issues mostly based on compassion for other people and the Earth? Im good at making music and my friends love hearing my music so maybe I could add some spoken word parts of issues I care about? Anyone else have any ideas?
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You can try to show them the same cultural context that helped you. It's a bad idea to preach, it only makes others dislike you.
 
PsyDuckmonkey said:
You can try to show them the same cultural context that helped you. It's a bad idea to preach, it only makes others dislike you.
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I'll second that. It sounds like your friends may not be like minded people. You can't pick and choose your friends, I fully appreciate that. But surrounding yourself with like minded people can do nothing but help you to be yourself and to appreciate that people, generally, aren't so bad.

We all have different views on what makes us a 'good person'. Ask each of your friends and they'll all think that they're a good person. You think that littering is bad, yet your friend may use public transport and may look at you polluting the environment with your car and also feel that you're doing it all wrong, that's how he will justify himself being a good person.

I have been there myself after entering the realms of psychedelics. I felt enlightened, like it was my responsibility to spread the word of this magical substance and what it can do for the soul. But, ultimately, it isn't for everybody. One particular friends response was "It's just chemicals, mate". Pushing your perfect world view upon others will do nothing but alienate you further from your friends.

If I've learnt anything from the above experiences, it's that people need to come to decisions/conclusions of their own accord. Pushing your opinions in their faces won't do anything for either of you; it'll frustrate you and push your friends away.
 
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;)
 
Lovely thread. ;)

Be the change. What you are within reflects the outer. The universe shall unfold alongside in every way it can to help, manifest, and guide you. Even in the deepest moments of despair. For those experiences are elemental to growth and to see the light, once again. That you are the light.

Shine your authenticity. 😉
 
Be yourself and lead by example.

If your friends want to change they will, and if they dont want to change then there is nothing you can do to make them change. They will start searching for support when they want to change and not a second sooner....
 
Innerrave, you had so many responses and have not shown again here since starting post, what do you think about all this?

Hopefully none of it was in vain, and this thread-link might ring some bells, about people who want to help others but the others do not co-operate very well:
Aversion to Internal Work
 
I can definitely tell how "preaching" just makes people dislike you and my friends would think that I think I am better than them, therefore they would not want to be my friend.

I have definitely noticed my "forced change" attempts have ended up with a bad situation for both me and my friends, so it isn't working like I thought it would for sure.

And to the person who said the person who is sort of an asshole to me is a bully not a friend. I agree somewhat and have told him this before. He has anger problems that really do seem out of his control and when he's not saying something rude to me, he actually is a good friend.

Thanks for the replies everyone, another perspective is always helpful!
 
Jaffster said:
You can't pick and choose your friends...
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Much more applicable to family rather than friends, so I beg to differ :D

If you lose the fear of being alone you begin to realize many people you've considered friends weren't much more than someone to spend time with, to keep you company. We are certainly social creatures, no denying that. But when does it become unhealthy to continue socializing with certain people? I think a lot of people put up with behavior they consider deplorable just so they won't be alone. How many of us bite our tongues when what we really want to say catches in our throat for fear of being a 'loser' with no friends?
 
Try talking to your friends about these things, and also ask them about what it is about you which they also dislike (but put up with)
 
Basically regurgitating what some have already said here.

If your life, both inner and outer is in good standing, then lead by personal example. Don't push anything in their direction. Just go about your way without worrying about how your friends might turn out, because that's none of your concern. Focus on you, live your life to the best of your ability. Doing just that will spread to your friends if it's meant to. :)
 
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